HS
by EEevee
Summary: AU Talk about traumatic. Tetsu has issues, which lands him in a new school. This place is different, much different. Suddenly the hunter becomes the hunted and he learns that violence solves some things. For everything else there's Freud, fish, and sugar
1. Default Chapter

Author: Eeevee  
  
Title: Hellschool  
  
Genre: humor/parody  
  
Rating: R for implications, drugs, language, situations, yaoi (more s-ai actually because I'm a chicken ^^)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't have to tell you I don't owe any of this. You're a smart crowd. I bet you even know who does own it. See? Have a cookie!  
  
Prologue: Orientation  
  
Tetsu stared at the big arches rather stupidly. Of course, they were meant to look impressive and expensive, but the high barbwire fence spoiled the effect.   
  
Those fences almost wanted to make him run over and see if they were electric. But then that Tatsu-voice popped up, 'What are you thinking Tetsu! That's a dangerous no-no! Are you trying to kill me!'  
  
"Heh, the voltage isn't that high." The white haired kid said from beside him looking at the sky longingly. His gaze swung around towards Tetsu and he pointed to the danger sign just on the other side of the pillar. "They just want to torment us, not kill us. Lawsuits."  
  
Great, that was just great. Why was Tetsu here again? Just because he look at that girl in the mall and made a little, innocent comment Tatsu didn't have to send him to an all boys prep school!  
  
Talk about cruel and unusual punishment.  
  
Tetsu turned towards the other boy only to find him gone amidst the crowd of other freshmen waiting for their guide.  
  
Tetsu never understood the point of orientation. How stupid were you not to figure out a map? Then again, there was that time… but it was a crappy map!  
  
"Good morning!" A voice chirped gaining instant, dumbfounded silence as heads turned.  
  
"Hey, I thought this was an all boys school!" Someone shouted and several others whistled.  
  
The figure gave a friendly smile, "Yes, it is."  
  
"So—you're a guy." The white haired punk ventured since no one else seemed to be inclined to.  
  
Tetsu ran an untrained eye. Nope, nothing up top.  
  
"I would hope so!" The older boy continued, un-offended. He shoved back his butt-length purple hair back into a loose ponytail and tucked it against his back. "Otherwise I'd be breaking the rules. My name is Souji Okita and I'm here to give you your orientation to our lovely school! The upperclassmen should not be on campus yet, but if you see them please tell me."  
  
"Why?" Would that kid ever shut up? Who cares why? Tetsu thought grumpily to himself.  
  
"Because that would be breaking the rules, right? Follow me!"  
  
He led them to the gym. Tetsu had to admit it was a nice spread. Almost fanatically clean and sparkly with everything looking like new. Lots better than his trash school from before.  
  
He trailed his fingers across the wall idly as the rest of the boys found seats on the risers. The wall ended at a door labeled 'Supplies.' Being curious he found it unlocked. By then Okita was talking about the fliers he was going to hand out and how wonderful the school was and what a great opportunity they were getting. Blech. You weren't supposed to be enthusiastic about anything school related. There must be something wrong with the young man.  
  
He slipped into the near-dark room and felt around for a light switch. Instead something grabbed his hand.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" He screamed finding himself aloft by a good two inches.  
  
Hot breath was on his face and a dark voice growled, "What are you doing in here? You brats have no manners, sneaking in here. If I find so much as one softball out of place you will be in my personal detention for a month. I don't take trespasses lightly!"  
  
"Y-es, yes sir!" Tetsu yelped as he was liberated. He landed on his butt with a hefty thump.  
  
The light flipped on and he bit back a scream. The guy only had half a face!  
  
The man stared down at him with concentration. Tetsu wondered how good his vision was with only one eye, but he was too terrified to ask.  
  
"Get out."  
  
"Y-es!" Tetsu yipped and scrambled on all fours to obey. Foot met rump to hasten his flight when he hesitated.  
  
It was an embarrassing scramble across the sparkly floors towards the others.  
  
"Ah, I see you've met the gym teacher and sports coach!" Okita chirped as he watched Tetsu scramble back to the risers with the dark man making sure he was going. "These are the new freshman!"  
  
"I see." His dark gaze flickered over them then landed on the white haired dude Tetsu had sat next to. A smile curled on his mouth before he turned to Okita, "I was searching for you. I require your help for a few minutes."  
  
Okita cast a worried look over his silent, wide-eyed charges, "But I can't leave them here by themselves."  
  
"Never fear, the trio is here!" A loud voice boomed, echoing off the walls.  
  
The three newcomers came in with Okita giving them a dubious look. The middle sized one stepped forward with a slick smile. His brown hair was pinned up on the top of his head and his uniform was just short of being unacceptable, by any standards.  
  
"Okita! We're here to help the freshmeat out." He said with a grin. "So you just run along and we'll make it all better, right Shinpattsan?" The little one nodded with crafty eyes fixed on the nervous students, "Sano?" The giant was more interested in that half sub sandwich he was devouring, but he nodded obligingly anyway.  
  
Okita looked at them, "I don't know. I don't think Hijikata would be very pleased to find you three on campus." Okita frowned and looked at the scary gym teacher, then he sighed.  
  
"Don't worry about it. We've all been freshman. Anyway, who better to show them the ropes that us? Sano's been here six years already!" The runt soothed running a quick hand through his wiry, red hair.  
  
The giant stopped in mid-bite, "Only five Shinpachi."  
  
"This will be your sixth year." The short one pointed out teasingly, "You just couldn't bear to leave our dear teacher Yoshida, could you?"  
  
Sano shoved him with a flat palm and sent the small boy stumbling, "That's gross."  
  
"We promise to be on our best behavior. Besides, I think he's getting a bit impatient. The sooner you help him the sooner you can save your precious freshmeat from the big, mean seniors!"  
  
Okita nodded and flashed everyone a smile, "I'll be right back!"  
  
The ringleader of the three waited patiently for the purple haired orienter to disappear from sight before he pulled out a hidden stack of fliers from under the table.  
  
He handed out a stack to his companions and the papers were quickly passed among the student populace of freshmen.  
  
"What!" That same kid. Tetsu hoped he wasn't in any of his classes. The boy was annoyingly loud. "I'm not wearing that!"  
  
"It's a requirement." The short one said with a grin, "Call it a rite of passage. It's only for the first week of course."  
  
Tetsu peered down at his and choked. What the heck? There was no way he would ever wear something like that. And he really didn't want to see that much leg on any other guy either!  
  
"But a skirt? This looks to be only four inches." The white haired kid pointed out calmly. "And it's plaited. You can't be serious."  
  
"Hey Heisuke, I thought you said it was only three and a half." The big one, Sano, protested.  
  
"Right you are. That's right kiddos, only three and a half inches. Better shave your legs if you don't want to tear your pantyhose." Heisuke advised with a straight face. He continued in the same informative tone, "Our school colors are turquoise and white so make sure you have a white ribbon or bow in your hair as per the dress code."  
  
"I'm not wearing that." Tetsu's seatmate announced flatly with his crimson eyes narrowed stubbornly. "I'll see the dean before I wear that."  
  
This didn't seem to bother Heisuke or the other two very much. Maybe they'd heard that sort of talk before.  
  
"Be our guest. Kondou is a very nice dean. You'll like him. He's rather picky about how his students dress however. Would you like to see him now? Shinpattsan would be happy to guide you to his office."   
  
"Yes, I think that would be a good idea."  
  
Tetsu didn't like the nod/wink combination that passed between the trio.  
  
"Would anyone else like to go with him? We'd sorely miss you, but the orientation must go on!"  
  
"I would. No way you jerks are making me wear a skirt!" Tetsu shouted leaping up. His heroic moment was ruined as he tripped on the up-step and tumbled down face-first.  
  
"Oh dear, so cute! He's just like a little, clumsy puppy. Hey Puppy, I think you need to grow into your feet a bit!" Heisuke gushed.  
  
Tetsu went from a twitching mass to a terrified, twitch mass. He wasn't sure why, but that tone of voice made him want to wet his pants. It said so much that he wasn't sure he wanted to understand.  
  
"Little Puppy, would you let me be your master?"  
  
"Heisuke," Shinpachi growled.  
  
"Fine, ruin my fun. I see the green-eyed monster didn't leave over the summer!"  
  
It might have come to blows if the big one did step between them. He shoved Shinpachi towards Tetsu and the white haired kid. Heisuke was pushed in the opposite direct towards the rest of the freaked freshman. They retreated before him.  
  
"Take our dear Puppy then." Heisuke said with mock sorrow. His slanted eyes slid over the other boy, "And the little Kitty too."  
  
"Did you just call me a kitty?"  
  
"Indeed I did!"  
  
Shinpachi interposed himself, "Don't mind him. He's rude to everyone. He was born like that and doesn't realize that normal people don't have sexual innuendos coming out of their mouth in every sentence."  
  
"Hey! I can talk nice too." Heisuke protested innocently.  
  
"Sure. When you're not hitting on people you're insulting them. Just keep going; I'll be back after I drop off these two."  
  
The short senior walked ahead of them only to look over his shoulder in the most bizarre fashion. Tetsu noticed that under the bandage across the bridge of his nose he had a liberal spread of freckled.  
  
Once his visual inspection was complete he gave a feral grin and stopped.  
  
"I'm Shinpachi Nagakura. I'm in charge of the second class."  
  
"We're not going to make it to the dean's office, are we?" Tetsu's companion asked and Tetsu blinked.  
  
"Not a chance."  
  
"I'm Suzu Kitamura."  
  
"Tetsunosuke Ichimura."  
  
"So what are you going to do with us?" Tetsu asked apprehensively.  
  
Shinpachi shrugged, "Torture you to gain your silence and undying obedience."  
  
Tetsu's eyes went wide and he yelped, "You can do that!"  
  
"Of course he can't." Suzu snorted contemptuously. "He can't do anything to us."  
  
"Wanna bet?" Shinpachi asked in mock friendliness. He was only a bit taller than Tetsu. He bet between him and that Suzu kid they could take him. As if he read minds he shook a finger, "Tsk, no fighting in the halls. Not unless you want to see Hijikata. He's a real demon. The only one he really likes is Okita."  
  
Who happened to show up. Saved.  
  
"Shinpachi!"   
  
The two cornered freshmen turned with relief to see Okita coming back with the big, scary guy Yoshida. He gave a wide smile and waved cheerfully.  
  
Once they reached the three Okita asked, "Why aren't you guys with the group. I don't think leaving Heisuke alone with the new students is a very good thing." He gave a bird-like cock of his head and put an index finger to his bottom lip.  
  
"Sano was there." Shinpachi said dismissively, "These two haven't been here even an hour and they're already causing trouble. I was just taking them down to Kondou's office."  
  
"You, come with me."  
  
Tetsu's heart froze in terror until he realized that Yoshida wasn't pointing at him. Then he was torn between cruel laughter and feeling sorry for poor Suzu. It wasn't like the jerk was his friend or anything.  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
"Master."  
  
"Yes Master!"  
  
Okita, Shinpachi, and Tetsu watched until they were around the corner before moving again. This time back towards the gym.  
  
Shinpachi scoffed in sympathy, "I thought that guy said he didn't want a student aid. Hypocrite. This day has been surprising. Yoshida doesn't usually crawl out of his dark hole- er, office."  
  
"Yes, this day is full of surprises." Okita agreed with a twinkle of mischief in his purple eyes, "Hijikata is also getting a student aid."  
  
"You're shitting me." Shinpachi yelped and tripped into a locker.  
  
"Do I look like a kidder?" Okita teased.  
  
Shinpachi choked and Okita patted him gently on the back until he subsided.  
  
"So…" Deep breath, "Who's…" Pant, "The lucky bastard?"  
  
"Tetsu, could you come with me please?" Okita chirped, ignoring the question. Or at least Tetsu thought he was ignoring the question until Shinpachi let out a gasp of horror then dissolved into laughter.   
  
"Won't Heisuke be so disappointed to lose his new pet?" The short senior snickered, "The Puppy certainly has a new master now!"  
  
Tetsu trailed after the bright senior, who was all but skipping down the hall and humming. It must be a chemical imbalance in the brain or something serious like that. No one could truly be that happy. Well, maybe with drugs, but Tatsu never let him touch those so he wouldn't really know.  
  
"You're not on drugs are you?" He blurted out then clapped his hands over his mouth. Stupid!  
  
Okita stopped and looked at him with a serious face, "Drugs are very bad for you." His voice dropped, "Not only that, but being caught with them is grounds for immediate expulsion from school."  
  
Tetsu's eye widened, "Seriously?"  
  
Okita blinked and gave a curious face, he was very expressive Tetsu noticed, "You didn't actually believe me did you? Ah, sorry! No, no, if that were the case Saito would have been kicked out awhile back."  
  
"What was that Okita?"  
  
Tetsu nearly jumped out of his skin when he found himself face-to-face with another guy. The guy's hair was swept to the side in long bangs and pulled into a ponytail in the back. He certainly looked like a stoner if you went by his expression.  
  
"Hehe, nothing. I was just commenting on your addiction." Okita chirped.  
  
The guy, Saito Tetsu assumed, blinked slowly and a bland smile spread across his face, "Coke is hardly the worst thing in the world to be addicted to."  
  
"It's not good for you!" Tetsu blurted out. Geez, talk about no filter. Yet there was no turning back now. "I mean, you don't sell it, do you?"  
  
The taller guy looked down with a hooded expression, but raised an eyebrow in a silent question.  
  
Okita pressed his knuckled against his lips to hold back giggles, "Tetsu, I think you've made a mistake. Saito was talking about coca-cola!"  
  
"S-soda?"  
  
Saito nodded, "Yes. It is a good source of caffeine."  
  
Tetsu wasn't usually particularly quick on the uptake, but this suspicion was lurking in the back of his mind that he was being laughed at.  
  
"Don't forget about your other one!"  
  
Saito blinked, "Soba has been added to the menu as I requested."  
  
"I think that people might skip dinner if that's the case." Okita laughed lightly, "So what's going on? You don't usually pop up unless you have something to say."  
  
"Your freshmen are in the basement."  
  
"What? Oh boy." Tetsu said then paused, "This place has a basement?"  
  
"Thank you. Hijikata told me to keep an eye on Heisuke, but I was distracted. I hope he doesn't scare any of them too badly." Okita half-apologized.  
  
"Heisuke was not present."  
  
Okita's face paled. Tetsu was beginning to understand there was one thing worse than a Heisuke loosed on the 'freshmeat' population, and that was a Heisuke missing in action.  
  
"Excuse us Saito!" Okita said grabbing Tetsu's wrist and dragging him along.  
  
The younger boy was dragged down several unfamiliar hallways and by the time he gathered his wits enough to pay attention he was sure that if he ever got separated from Okita he would wander around until he starved to death.  
  
Picturing a wasting death made him tighten his grip on Okita's wrist. That slowed the older boy.  
  
He looked back, "Are you okay? I didn't mean to hurt you!"  
  
Tetsu could tell he would have a bruise but he shoved back the discomfort and brushed it off, "I'm okay. We just have to save my fellows from your pervert."  
  
"Yes!" Okita said enthusiastically as he unconsciously picked up the pace. Tetsu wondered what he did to be so athletic. He didn't look like he could move so fast, let along drag a kid along behind him. "You and I can be the heroes of the freshmen class. They'll love you forever for it!"  
  
Tetsu blushed. He hadn't thought about that. It would be a way to make new friends maybe. But then Tatsu would have been right, telling him that saying he wouldn't make any new friend was a load of bullcrap. Man, he hated when his geek brother was right!  
  
Any hopes of glory were dashed when they arrived in the basement. The freshmen were there alright. Huddled together in a nervous group and obeying their sheep instincts while Sano gleefully pointed out the best features of their new "dorm."  
  
"—Don't mind the rats. If you leave them alone they'll leave you alone." Sano finished with a roguish grin towards Okita.  
  
"Where is Heisuke?" Okita asked in a low voice. There was an aura around him that screamed danger. Suddenly he didn't seem all that slender and frail. Sano seemed to think so too because he took a slight step back.  
  
"I don't know. He said he was going to look for Shinpachi awhile ago." Sano gulped.  
  
"Please take the freshman to their real dorms and help them find their roommates." Okita instructed, "Tetsu and I are going to see Hijikata."  
  
Tetsu heard ominous whispers about a 'demon' behind them as they left at much more dignified, if not sedate pace.  
  
"Is this Hijikata guy mean?" Tetsu asked hesitantly, the whispers running through his head. He trusted Okita, right? Okita was a good guy. He saved him from Shinpachi and Yoshida. He wanted to trust Okita.  
  
Okita slowed to a stop and the corners of his mouth twitched, "He's very strict."  
  
"Hey! What the heck is that supposed to mean?"  
  
Strict. How well Tetsu knew that word. But was Hijikata like Tatsu strict or something else entirely? He knew his big brother found him tiresome sometimes, but he was usually fair, if overdramatic.  
  
Okita didn't answer and Tetsu made a face at his back.  
  
The walk was held in an odd sort of silence. As if Tetsu had defiled some sort of sacred Okita monument or something. His happy, accommodating nature had been replaced by a serious, sharp one. Tetsu found himself wishing he hadn't opened his mouth.  
  
Which didn't do anything to help his temper.  
  
He hated being sorry for anything. It was a horribly mulish notion, or so Tatsu told him constantly, but frick that. He could feel the way he wanted to.  
  
Tetsu started counting lockers. What an ugly color, turquoise. It was a girly color. Why couldn't they have crimson or black or gold. Something bold and striking! At least their mascot was cool. It was all because of the kendo team really. Samurai just seemed like a fitting one for the national champions.  
  
When the lockers got too tiresome he counted door. Identical little door with wooden panels and glass windows. Geez, this place really was a prison.  
  
He was so busy counting doors that he ran right into Okita.  
  
"Oops, sorry."  
  
"That's okay." Okita reassured pleasantly. He knocked, frowned slightly, and knocked again. "That's odd. He's usually here."  
  
Heisuke came around the corner humming what sounded to Tetsu what Tatsu called 'a nasty, sick song that you will never hear or repeat.' He stopped at the sight of them and swallowed nervously.  
  
"Okita, fancy seeing you here."  
  
"Indeed. Mind telling me where you've been for the last twenty minutes?"  
  
Heisuke gave a cocky smirk, "Helping Sannan. Why, what did Sano do that you're going to blame on me?"  
  
Tetsu felt like a baby do it, but he tugged on Okita's sleeve and asked, "Who's Sannan?"  
  
"Just the nicest guy in school." Heisuke sniggered, "He'd like you Puppy."  
  
"Like who?" The man joining them looked harmless, nice even. A scary contrast to all the crazies Tetsu had met so far. There was a gentle look and feel about him. "Oh, a new freshman, or just a visiting child?"  
  
"Child!" Tetsu yelped indignantly, "I'm fifteen!"  
  
"Apologizes. You're a freshman then."  
  
Okita gave a genuine grin of pride and announced, "This is Hijikata's new aid." Then his eyes narrowed slightly, "If I could find the man."  
  
There was a loud crash from outside.  
  
"How much do you want to bet that Susumu is out there." Heisuke grinned and Sannan shook his head muttering, "I wish those two could settle their differences."  
  
"Where's the fun in that?"  
  
"You are a sadist, truly."  
  
Heisuke shook off the comment saying at least he was never bored.  
  
Okita didn't reply, but shot off in the direction of the noise. Tetsu gaped after him. Was the guy on sugar pills or something?  
  
"Heh," Heisuke said with his hands behind his head, "Come with us little Puppy. We'll lead you to the action so you can see them go."  
  
Sannan excused himself.  
  
"Spoil sport. I bet Shinpattsan and Sano are already out there with some popcorn."  
  
The once pristine lawn had turned into a battlefield.  
  
The two combatants stood facing off in the middle of it with weapons drawn. The weapons happened to be metal rods that looked like they were ripped from the ground. Heisuke pointed to a drooping sapling and mentioned something about another dead Bradford Pear. Good, those things stunk.  
  
"You cannot propose to tell me what to do." The big, scary one growled in a low voice. His long, thick, black hair was pulled into a loose, flowing ponytail that reached down his back. What was it with long hair around here?  
  
The other one was lean and wiry with an almost-rattail. His narrow, dark eyes were locked on his opponent and his fists were wrapped around the metal.  
  
"You aren't welcome. Get that through your stubborn head!"  
  
"I believe I am. If I were not then I would not have to put up with you." The big one retorted harshly, "You are trespassing on private property."  
  
"Oh good one! I'll remember that when you come knocking at my door next time." The wiry one spat back.  
  
"We shall see."  
  
"You're such a stiff prick. I bet you're no good in bed and your conversational skills suck."  
  
"Opinions."  
  
"Hmm, I wonder what he would be like in bed." Heisuke mused out loud. Tetsu edged away from him right into a wall of muscle. Sano shoved him forward to stand by his perverse friend and watched with a huge grin.  
  
"I think he's got him this time."  
  
"Ridiculous." Shinpachi snorted. Where did these guys come from? "Hijikata wouldn't let that punk push him around if he didn't feel like he had to. I say just whap the whelp a few times. Fix that issue right up."  
  
"Dear Shinpattsan, not everything is about violence."  
  
"Not everything is about sex." Shinpachi retorted with distaste.  
  
"Yeah, there's food." Sano imputed and looked around, "Does anyone have some?"  
  
Tetsu gripped his half melted candy bar protectively and kept his mouth shut for once. Okita, however, had other ideas. He was working his way through a packet of starburst jellybeans that seemed to be left over from Easter. No wonder the guy was on Cloud Nine. There was enough sugar in those to kill a diabetic.  
  
"Aren't you worried in the slightest Okita? Susumu looks really mad this time." Shinpachi asked.  
  
Okita waved a handful of jellybeans in his direction and answered, "Nosh at wall."  
  
Tetsu stared between them. He was really confused. Not a new sensation, one he was well acquainted with actually, but one he didn't particularly like either. He was guessing the big one was Hijikata, or at least it seemed like a fitting name for such a hulk. You know, buzz the hair and add green skin and he could star in some cheap B film. The other one, Susumu, could be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.  
  
"Hey Donatello, do something already!" Tetsu shouted.  
  
The slender man stiffened and turned, incredulous, "What did you just call me?"  
  
"Uh-oh." The 'oh crap' bells were ringing frantically now.  
  
Heisuke put fingers to chin and mused out loud, "You're right, he does look like the red one."  
  
"Was Donatello the red one? I thought that was the purple one." Sano argued.  
  
Heisuke shook his head, "Purple and rainbow are gay colors. He's not gay. Then again, I'm not sure if he likes women. Or maybe he does and they don't like him. You know, if he'd just get himself some action he'd be all fixed up."  
  
"Colors can't be gay Heisuke!" Shinpachi groaned.  
  
"But they can be associated with being gay." Heisuke pointed out patiently, "Don't you know that society plays by its own rules?"  
  
"Oh no, don't you even start. You'll poison the Puppy with your Freudian-talk!" The short senior moaned covering his ears.  
  
"Ah, chalk it up to a learning experience for the boy. Freud was a great man."  
  
If possible, the reverent tone that was given to the name Freud was even more terrifying than the gushy 'you're so cute and I want to screw you senseless' tone. None of the other boys seemed to even notice. Tetsu made his knees stop shaking with effort.  
  
"Ah, Susumu gave up." Okita remarked popping in the last handful of jellybeans. He chewed thoughtfully, totally ignoring the drooling Sano, and swallowed. "Hijikata will be pleased."  
  
"Nah, he'll be grouchy."  
  
Tetsu stared as Hijikata stabbed the metal tree support back into the ground. Hard. He couldn't help gulping.   
  
"Souji," He snapped and Okita did a mock salute, instantly in good cheer. Maybe the jellybeans had hit his system. "I thought you were keeping an eye on things."  
  
"Yes, I was, but Yoshida needed my help." Okita explained happily. Definitely the jellybeans. No sane person would so happily run towards slaughter. "Heisuke was with Sannan," Hijikata didn't look too impressed, "So he had a legitimate reason for being here."  
  
"What about those two."  
  
Okita looked over with an impish grin, "What sort of trio would they be with only one person?"  
  
"So they were making mischief." The big man's ebony eyes slid over Tetsu, "With the freshman."  
  
"The freshmea- ah, freshmen are safely putting things away in their dorms sir!" Heisuke said without a hint of taunt in his voice, or sexual implication.  
  
"Hijikata?" Okita continued boldly. He gently tugged Tetsu out front where the boy narrowed his eyes and took on a defensive stance. No wonder they called this guy a demon. "Here's your new aid."  
  
Those harsh eyes stared down and Tetsu felt two reactions. The first one, not sensible at all, was to attack, attack, attack. If anyone had dared to look down on him that way at his old school they would be hamburger. That one teacher deserved it too. His second, much safer, instinct was to hide. Instead he compromised and glared back up with a stiff back and face.  
  
"Souji…" He warned in a big dog tone. The kind that said mess with me and lose a limb. You didn't need that arm now did you?  
  
Okita underwent an amazing transformation. Chipper to downtrodden and abuse in less than a second. It was truly a work of art, a talent of limitless potential.  
  
"You did say you needed one."  
  
"Anyone but that one."  
  
"Hey, what, I'm not good enough for you? Mister Hulk is so big 'n' bad!" Tetsu spat wishing he were a dog. At least then he could bite the guy's ankle or lift his leg or something. "Well, I don't want your stupid aid job anyway."  
  
"Hijikata… you promised! You said I could pick because you were too busy." Okita pouted. "You aren't going to be an Indian giver are you?"  
  
Hijikata stared down for a full moment before sighing. He shook his head slowly and trooped back inside. Over his shoulder he conceded, "Fine, have it your way Souji. He better work hard."  
  
"Yes sir!" Tetsu shouted after him. Just to piss him off a bit. This was going to be a risky job, he could tell.  
  
A/N: Well, you knew this was coming. A high school pmk fic (well, sort of... heh, a warped version). Blame the LJ RP community of Kyuuri High for showing me that it could be done. I'm sure I'll be ridiculed, flamed, etc. I invite you to do so. This isn't meant to be taken seriously. High school were four years of pure hell for me (and most people I know). I have two solid years of repressed memory thank you very much. There is some Bush-bashing and Freud-bashing up coming, but nothing too much. Um, other warnings? My caustic sense of humor. I'll update when I can. I'd really, REALLY appreciate any ideas or suggestions: tigertrainer_1999@yahoo.com 


	2. Chapter One

Chapter One: Monday, Freshmeat Week  
  
"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Tetsu screamed a fearsome war cry as he lunged forward fully intending to spear his victim on the tip of his sword. Instead he tripped over his momentum. There was a swift retaliation and a stinging on his back where the dummy had lashed out at him. Tears formed in the corner of his eyes and he squeaked something along the lines of ouch.  
  
Staring resentfully at the cat-boy as a perfect run was executed he rubbed his spiky head. Stupid dummy. Hijikata probably rigged it so that it would kick his ass no matter what he did. There was no other explanation!  
  
"Tetsu, you're holding it too high. If you hold it that high then you won't get the right kind of leverage. Because you're so small you need every advantage you can get." Okita chided. He had his long hair in a high ponytail for practice.  
  
Tetsu's pride was at war. He didn't want to admit that he didn't have a clue what he was doing; that wasn't his nature. Instead he was mulishly doing what he always did. B.S.ing it.  
  
One the other hand, Okita was taking the time to explain things. The cheery senior had better things to do than teach an ignorant little runt with an attitude.  
  
So he bit back the scathing response to the criticism and the implied diss on his size.  
  
"Like this?" Tetsu asked correcting his grip.  
  
"No, no. That's not quite right." Okita said shaking his head. He moved up behind Tetsu and leaned again his back pulling him in where he could place his longer arms over Tetsu's arms. His fingers curled gently correcting and readjusting. Then they were on hips, readjusting the balance and stance. They lingered slowly before trailing down his calves.  
  
Tetsu shied away, breaking the contact with his face burning.  
  
Okita gave him a curious look, "Do you understand now, or should I show you?" Seeing that Tetsu couldn't formulate a proper answer he invited, "Just attack me."  
  
"But—you don't have any protection! I don't want to hurt you."  
  
This seemed to amuse the senior, and he showed his amusement with a smile.   
  
"Don't worry. Just make sure you're properly protected."  
  
Tetsu didn't bother. There was no way he would lose. Not if he wanted to be on the school's kendo team. Getting Tatsu to agree to it was hard enough! This should be a piece of cake in comparison.   
  
He glanced around to notice he had amassed a small audience. Sano and Shinpachi were staring wide-eyed in a strange mixture of horror and surprise while Suzu frowned. Not that it mattered. If he whooped their best competitor then even that evil demon couldn't keep him from the team.  
  
With a whirlwind of energy he dashed forward swinging away. Okita dodged each swing lazily and laughed teasingly, "You couldn't hit a turtle like that."  
  
"Grrr."  
  
They danced on with Okita swirling out of reach or bending back or prancing the side at each attack. It was like he could anticipate every move. It was pissing Tetsu off.  
  
He snarled and jumped forward feinting left. Okita blinked innocently as he avoided the ploy and skirted a wall. This wasn't a game of tag!   
  
Okita darted forward and tapped him on the head just hard enough to hurt.  
  
"Jerk!" Tetsu hissed and lunged again. This time he was scored on his right shoulder, then his left.  
  
"Give it up kid; you can't win!" Sano urged while Shinpachi blurted at the same time, "Hey Okita go easy on the kid. Remember the last time…"  
  
Tetsu wasn't the brightest crayon at times but even he knew when he was outmatched. Which just made him that much more determined to dish out some butt kicking. Okita couldn't possibly be untouchable.  
  
Time to let blind luck and stupidity play a major role in the battle. Spin the dice and see what Fate has to say or some such rot like that.  
  
It was more accident than design, but Tetsu kicked up the edge of the mat. It caused two reactions. He fell forward and instinctively, after years of playing in forbidden areas, tucked into a smooth roll. When the body performs without the mind the results can be amazing. In this case they were down right miracle-like. The second was that Okita's center of gravity was disrupted. It wasn't enough to throw it off that much. Just enough to blow things to the top of Mount Everest.  
  
The result of those two mishaps was Tetsu doing the impossible: landing one solid hit on Okita with his weapon.  
  
And according to the laws of Cause and Effect Tetsu figured he was going to get it.  
  
What he didn't expect was for Okita to suddenly turn rabid on him.  
  
The whole demeanor shifted to a darker, more violent side of Okita. This was the side that Tetsu had only glimpsed before when the senior was threatening Sano. Now he had it up his face and pissed as heck.  
  
Tatsu must be right. He'd be better off as a hermit on some God forsaken mountain in the Himalayas. At least then he couldn't mess up so badly.  
  
SLAM.  
  
He barely managed to raise a decent block. His wrists vibrated from the shock of the blow and his wooden sword had a crack running down it. When the next swing came he wasn't any better prepared. This one sent him stumbling back with a numb shoulder. The third hit was true charmer. The point slammed into his protective armor over his chest and propelled him backwards… into a warm body.  
  
Dazed and not just a little confused Tetsu tried to shoo the little puppies that were frisking around his head. They growled at him. Insolent things. Geez, even his dizzy fabrications disrespected him. What did a guy have to do to not get taunted at every turn?  
  
Okita didn't seem to even notice that he was down. The senior stalked forward with all the careful precision of a wolf on the hunt. His eyes were hidden behind a veil of bangs and his mouth was set in a deep frown. He raised the sword to execute a downward stroke and finish Tetsu off.  
  
Tetsu was terrified to the point where he wanted to tear out his eyes so he wouldn't have to watch himself be mutilated. He hoped his death would be swift.  
  
Another bokken interposed between the hapless freshman and his doom. There was a loud crack as the wood smacked together.  
  
"Okita, I believe you are not allowed to spar without approval from Yoshida." The voice said and Okita blinked losing his scary edge almost immediately. He looked around and stared at Tetsu.  
  
"Thank you Saito." The senior remarked walking towards the prone freshman.  
  
Tetsu wanted to scramble back or yell or something. Instead he felt like a rabbit watching a hawk swoop down. The flight part of his nervous system wasn't responding and the fight had the daylights beaten out of it.  
  
The hand descended and Tetsu flinched.  
  
"Here. You should let me help you to the nurse's room. I believe I caused some damage to your shoulder." Okita said softly with apology seeping out with the words.  
  
Tetsu stared up to see regret mingling with a stiffness and sorrow.  
  
He firmly grabbed the hand, all thoughts of being hurt being shoved aside until his shoulder was jolted. With a hiss of pain coupled with a few choice words he staggered to his feet.  
  
Once he was up he'd be damn if he let someone help him. He wasn't a baby after all! Okita tried to help making Tetsu bat the other boy's hand away. Instant guilt trip when he made the mistake of looking at the senior.  
  
Maybe leaning on his shoulder wouldn't be such a bad idea. For Okita's sake anyway. He was trying to make it up and Tetsu decided he should stop being a selfish brat. Well, he didn't really think of it that way. It was more like he couldn't stand to see Okita look at him that way and subconsciously decided his new friend's happiness was more important than his pride. Only by a little bit though.  
  
The trip down to the nurse's office was uneventful.  
  
Unfortunately that was the only thing that was uneventful.  
  
Hijikata was standing outside the door waiting for them. He stared down at Tetsu coldly, but moved aside to let him pass. When Okita tried to follow he blocked the way and demanded, "Souji, talk with me for a moment."  
  
"Yes Hijikata." Okita replied and stood off to the side giving Tetsu an encouraging smile, "Go ahead, I'll be fine, honest! And Ayunee is quite nice."  
  
Tetsu reluctantly shuffled through the door and cracked it.  
  
"—Souji, that was irresponsible, I thought you have more sense than that." Hijikata growled.  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
"I know, I guess I got carried away!" Okita replied, "He doesn't know what he's doing yet but I can change that."  
  
Hijikata grunted, "I'm sure you could. You have a bad habit of changing people to the way you want them."  
  
"Yes, and you fell for it, admit it! You'd do anything if I asked the right way…"  
  
"Souji, get your hands off there. That is not appropriate for a public hallway. Especially between a student and an administrator. Besides, that's a private area for me."  
  
The freshman leaned closer. He couldn't have possibly heard that right.  
  
"Can I help you?" A distinctly feminine voice asked from behind him.  
  
He whirled, slammed the door shut, and smashed his head all in three seconds. A new record.  
  
"I…uh, um, I… Okita told me to, uh, come in here. Are you Ayunee?" Tetsu stuttered.  
  
The woman smiled and nodded, "I am. Oh dear, Souji did it again, didn't he? I told Toshi to keep things out of reach."  
  
Tetsu nodded dumbly. What was this 'again' stuff?  
  
"The last freshman he took a liking to, last year when he was a junior, ended up transferring. I'm rather surprised he picked you up." Ayunee chatted as she gathered up stuff from various drawers.  
  
"You're a girl." Tetsu observed.  
  
"So I am."  
  
"I thought girls weren't allowed on campus unless they were like someone's mother or something." His face screwed up at that thought.  
  
She smiled warmly and rolled up his uniform sleeve. The skin was turning black. She rotated the blade slowly and he gritted his teeth. A little pain wasn't going to get to him. She then handed him some aspirin and water.  
  
He gratefully gulped down the pills.  
  
"Well, you're quite the tough guy. Nothing is fractured or even sprained. I bet Souji hit you with a full attack too. You'll be quite a contender on the team if you keep this up."  
  
He ducked his head shyly.  
  
"Would you like some brownies while I call your caretaker? I'm afraid I can't give you anything stronger until I get approval and those little bitty Tylenol aren't going to do much."  
  
He was reaching for one of the chocolate sugar bombs when Okita and Hijikata entered. Okita looked properly chastened, except for the fact that he kept slipping small smiles when the other man wasn't looking, in Tetsu's direction.   
  
"Ooo, brownies!" He said suddenly. Tetsu thought he was moving before, but that was nothing in comparison to the human bullet surging towards him. In the time it took him to blink Okita had broke the sound barrier and downed half a brownie.  
  
"Company." Ayunee remarked, "Your brother is on his way."  
  
"You should not leave those out." Hijikata accused with a dark glower. It made Tetsu want to leap to her defense. "Souji does not need another sugar boost."  
  
Ayunee glanced over and shook her head.  
  
"It won't hurt him."  
  
"I was not worried about him. It is the rest of us who have to deal with him on a sugar high and somehow manage to live through it." Hijikata rumbled darkly.  
  
Okita gave a chocolate-covered smile and licked his fingers one by one.   
  
By then the ration of Tetsu's consumption to Okita's was 1:5.   
  
"But don't you like me when I'm sweet?" Okita asked saucily.  
  
"No."  
  
"Yet you insist on teasing me." Okita purred sliding closer. Hijikata stood his ground with a disapproving frown. When the senior drew closer he defensively moved into a protected position.  
  
"Do not."  
  
"Don't what?"   
  
"Touch my hair again like you did out in the hall just now. I am warning you."  
  
"Or what will happen?" Okita asked silkily inching closer.  
  
Tetsu watched with avid fascination. How was he doing it? Getting the better of such an evil devil. Okita was a rare person, very rare. Tetsu bet he could make a pack of hyenas nervous and stand down a raging buffalo.  
  
Then he pounced.  
  
Hijikata reeled back from the sudden weight attached to him. Okita's hands were anywhere and everywhere, frisking and patting available body parts.   
  
"Ah ha!" Okita crowed and jumped off the violated man. He twirled a Sees Candy chocolate pop between his fingers before giving a victory sign, "I win again!"  
  
"Now who's encouraging him Toshi?" Ayunee asked with a shake of her head. "One might think you do it just to get felt up."  
  
"How did you know I had that. I forgot I put it there when I bought my tobacco this morning." Hijikata glared as the purple haired boy peeled off the wrapper and popped the sucker in his mouth. It bulged out of his cheek as he mumbled, "Joos smeels like choocoolott."  
  
Tetsu was now really confused, but before he could process and categorize the door bust open.  
  
"Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetssssssssssssssssssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!"  
  
Then the embarrassing part. The sobbing and the shaking and the wailing and the crying and the moaning…  
  
How did Tatsu get there so far anyhow? The apartment was a good twenty minutes away in the poorer side of the city. A slum really.  
  
"I told you, told you, that it was dangerous and life threatening! Yet you had to go and try it despite my advice. See where that got you? You're maimed for life. You'll never do another math problem again! Your career as an accountant is ruined. You'll have to switch majors and all that money will be wasted!"  
  
"Ow, that hurts. And I don't want to be an accountant."  
  
"What about father's dreams?" Tatsu wailed in misery.  
  
Tetsu scratched his head, "Dad wanted me to be a politician. You want to be an accountant, remember?"  
  
"He's a tough guy." Ayunee soothed, "But he'll have to not use that arm for about a week or two to let it rest. Mostly it's just bruised. He'll be up and going like new soon enough."  
  
"Oh thank Heaven!" Tatsu keened.   
  
"I apologize. I was a bit too enthusiastic. Please don't make him quit because I made a mistake." Okita piped up with a serious, and surprisingly sincere, look. "He could be really good if you let him. I promise to watch out for him from now on."  
  
"Really?"  
  
Tatsu's eyes practically shone with the possibility that he didn't have to be his brother's keeper twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, four weeks a month, twelve months a year, year after year. It was a thrilling prospect. Then maybe his ulcer could heal up properly…  
  
His eyes narrowed slightly. There had to be a catch. No one WANTED to watch Tetsu. That was like WANTING to bring a killer albino hamster to your chest and let it slowly gnaw through you.  
  
"I don't think you realize what you are saying." Tatsu said carefully.   
  
"I think I do." Okita replied without sounding the slightest bit insulted or insulting. "At least give it a chance. Tetsu will be in the senior dorm anyway because he's Hijikata's aid."  
  
Yes. It was proven time and time again that there truly were crazies in the world. Wait, did he want to leave Tetsu with a crazy?  
  
Duty and selfishness battled. Duty died a bloody, cruel death.  
  
"If you think you can handle him."  
  
Tetsu looked between them thinking this was far too good to be true. He would bet Okita was much less constraining that his stuffy brother.  
  
The purple haired boy popped the sucker out of his mouth with a loud smack and gave a joyful smile, "Tetsu and I will get along great!"  
  
Tatsu was still reluctant. Then again, his new job in the office ensured that he would be on campus...  
  
"Okay, we'll give it a try."  
  
"Yes!" Tetsu whooped and jumped in the air, which aggravated his arm, "Shi- I mean ouch!"  
  
Tatsu groaned and Okita giggled. Hijikata remained frowning. His eyes flickered between Okita and Tetsu. Even if everyone else seemed sold on such a "wonderful" idea he wasn't so sure.   
  
Souji was somewhat of the baby of the group. He, Hijikata, Harada, Heisuke, Yamanami, and Kondo lived in the same neighborhood. Even though Hijikata and the other two were ten years his senior the nine year old had quickly won them over at the local dojo when he showed up wanting to learn. Now look what a brat he was. Did they really need another one?  
  
Souji was going to graduate and leave the school in peace from his happy-go-lucky reign of terror. The boy was incorrigible.   
  
Then again, there were worse things that could happen to Ichimura. Like Toudou Heisuke, Okita's alter ego on the social scene. The boy loved to torment anyone and everyone, just short of hazing. He also had a knack for dragging people down with him.  
  
"Souji."  
  
"Yes Hijikata?"  
  
What to say? He loved the young man, but really. Another one?!! Plus Ichimura was already obnoxious and unmanageably loud.  
  
"I hope you keep a better eye on him then you do Heisuke." Hijikata said dryly.  
  
"Heisuke is a very wily fox. I'm afraid he out flanked me with Shinpachi and Sano." Okita replied earnestly.   
  
"Hn."  
  
"Toshi, you expect too much."  
  
"No, it's okay! I'll do better next time." Okita reassured bolting down another half dozen brownies with the sucker stashed in his cheek. He peered at Hijikata expectantly.  
  
"You better. Heisuke should never be allowed near such a situation again." Hijikata growled then added under his breath, "Thank God he's graduating this year. I pity the college he goes to."  
  
Tetsu flinched when Ayunee administered a shot, but rather than look the baby in front of Okita he didn't complain.   
  
"You should take this guy home for today. Okita can get someone to put his stuff in his dorm."  
  
"I'll do it personally Tetsu!" Okita promised.  
  
Tatsu must have said something overly stuffy and polite because Okita was nodding, but Tetsu was in the bliss of painkillers. It was all just noise. He didn't resist when Tatsu steered him out the door and into the piece of junk they called a car.  
  
Reviews:  
  
MissBehavin: *starts laughing* You have no idea. I have most of the year planned out and new ideas keep coming. Yes, poor Hijikata falls in the same catagory as Aoshi: Respectfully tormented. Tranqs, must be. Well, I'm pretty mellow most of the time, so *maybe* it is natural... but that's no fun! Saitoh (RK) would... *snorts with laughter* he'd probably have the same reaction as my brother: What?!! He got sissier! Not in those words of course. This is how this is affecting me, but I was offered some starburst jellybeans the other day and Okita automatically popped up in my brain. Piggy piggy piggy, what sort of critter did you have to dissect in biology? I guess this will be once a week too for as long as I can (the chapters keep getting longer *whimper* the last one was 20 pages).  
  
Fyyrrose: I think I scared everyone, what do you think? Chickens! Besides, it's not a "normal" hs ficcy. It might be because it's rated R, or because PMK is a small catagory still. If you turn into a Heisuke-fangirl I will disown and shoot you. I love Sano, what are you talking about? Yes, Shin is cute =3 The Turtle ref. was a stroke of genius and I still don't know where the heck it came from X__X Of course I'm making fun of the Teletubbies... really, I make fun of so many things in here, you just have to find them. Tie-dye? I thought that was 60s (hippies). Acid ^__^ Yes, glue, more sl. SL-original hasn't been talking to me. We both have a job now, too busy to talk much.  
  
Eris: I did win! And I told you, I'd play dirty to keep little Souji alive. I have plans for him. You can have him when I'm done during the summer. Worm food? Nope, cremation. I refuse to be buried in the ground.  
  
J: start editing *starts laughing* I've added another, what, 20 pages since I sent the last draft? 


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter Two: Friday, Freshmeat Week  
  
"Keep your junk on your side of the room." Suzu growled holding something that look suspiciously like the crumpled up ball of consent forms that Tatsu was suppose to sign that he had thrown about ten minutes earlier. Damn, he would get stuck with an anal-retentive.  
  
Tetsu snatched it from the other boy's fingers and uncrumpled. Yup, he was right. He should see how long it took for the boy to find that pink gel pen he had chucked the day before.  
  
There was a knock. The two freshmen alternated between looking at the door then each other then back at the door before Suzu tentatively went to answer.  
  
It was an early lesson that as freshmen they were the lowest on the totem pole. So far he had done ten coffee runs, washed three loads of clothing, and all sorts of other chores. As teacher aids he and Suzu were worse off. They lived in the senior dorms and were easy to find. A problem Tetsu was going to remedy.  
  
"Puppy, Kitty, how are you boys doing today?" Heisuke grinned. Instinct and experience worked in sync for once. Run, run while you can. Who knows what sort of favor he'd demand! Sacrifice your roommate. Fight for your survival!  
  
Instead he stood there stupidly. He really needed to stop that.  
  
It was an early lesson that Toudou Heisuke pretty much ruled socially. He deferred to his partners in crime, Okita, and various administrators. Everyone else was considered a slave and treated as such. Oh yes, there was a good reason Okita had been worried that first day.  
  
"I was actually looking for Kitty, but you can come too Puppy, if you feel left out."  
  
Suzu glared, "What do you want me for?"  
  
"Tsk, nothing much. You're so defensive!" Heisuke clucked his tongue for emphasis, "I just wanted to invite you to talk… and visit our dorm. You know, it's not every day that someone is allowed in the Trio's dorm."  
  
"A novel experience, I'm sure." Suzu shrugged, but Tetsu was interested. Who knew what sort of tortures lurked in the bowels of the their dorm. He shoved his roommate forward, "We'd love to go!"  
  
Suzu dug in his heels, "No."  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Absolutely not."  
  
"Pansy! How bad can it be?"  
  
"I have a few guesses."  
  
"All wrong, I assure you." Heisuke cut in. "We aren't barbarians or cannibals."  
  
"Or pedophiles?" Suzu growled under his breath.  
  
Heisuke shrugged, "Maybe that last one."  
  
Suzu's eyes widened and he backpedaled running Tetsu over in the process. Tetsu stared at him in confusion. Whatever a pedophile was, and he wasn't quite sure, it must be a very scary thing.  
  
"What--." He started to ask. Suzu, being his astute, annoying self, cut in before he could finish, "You remember how we discussed "that" voice."  
  
"Yeah, sort of." Tetsu said scratching his head. What did that have to do with anything?  
  
"Take it to the next level." Suzu said. Why was he being so damn vague? What the hell was the "next level?"  
  
"You're making Puppy's head hurt." Heisuke reproved, "Here, I'll make it easy for you. I like boys. Specifically little boys."  
  
Tetsu gaped then did a fair imitation of a fish struggling for air with his mouth flapping open and shut. When he brain finally came out of status, worked it through, and came to a conclusion he blinked.  
  
"Well, most people like kids." He replied, "Okita likes little kids. Does that make him a peptofile?"  
  
Heisuke choked then snickered, "You never know. But I get the feeling he likes older men."  
  
"Could we please stop talking about this?" Suzu requested.  
  
"Sure, if you'll please come with me."  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"I knew you'd see it my way. Why I'm as harmless as a bunny." Heisuke assured with a grin no bunny rabbit would ever wear.  
  
True to his word the room was nothing like Tetsu had expected. Well, he couldn't speak for Suzu but he had been picturing a dim room with suggestive posters, food wrappers, and various other junk so deep on the floor that you would be wading.  
  
Instead it was fairly clean with a few scattered uniforms and schoolbooks littering unmade beds. The few posters up on the walls seemed to be of Elvis. The only one that wasn't Elvis was a cheery, bright poster that listed several psychological illnesses, treatment, and symptoms. In the corner was a good-sized fish tank with half a dozen animals chilling lazily.   
  
"Have a seat?" Heisuke offered, pointing at three chairs that had obviously seen better days. "Sano's somewhat of a neat freak so it's fairly clean. If not, it was Shinpattsan."  
  
Sano… a neat freak? That was so… unexpected.  
  
"I'll get straight to the point Kitty. You need a role model."  
  
"What?"  
  
"A proper role model to teach you how to unlock your potential." Heisuke continued steepling his fingers. "You are simply oblivious to how you really could be. Now, admittedly, Yoshida will keep you on a short leash at the beginning. Smart man really. He could see your potential too. Yet he wants to use and abuse it. Something I cannot allow. You see, this is our last year… Sano, Shinpattsan, Okita, Saito, myself. We want to get out, oh yes, but we'd also like to ensure that the next generation is stable first. That is why Okita has chosen Puppy."  
  
"I am not following." Suzu said flatly and made to get up from the tentative seat he had taken.  
  
"Now hear me out, will you?" Heisuke pleaded making soothing gestures, "It's not what you're thinking. You don't know this, but there is a war going on here."  
  
"Ridiculous." Suzu snorted while Tetsu leaned forward and blurted, "Really?"  
  
"Yes, really. Don't scoff." Heisuke remarked mildly, "It's a war that has been fought for generations of high schoolers. The war against teacherism."  
  
"Uh huh. And you want to use me to get to Yoshida."  
  
"Precisely!"  
  
"No."  
  
"You don't understand how important this is I see. I knew I should have gotten you that first day. Shinpattsan was going to when Yoshida interrupted. Well, at least Okita got Tetsu." Heisuke sighed heavily and shook his head, "I don't know how to make you understand this. Teachers stand for oppression. They have the ultimate power over us."  
  
"They're here to teach us." Suzu protested.  
  
"A common misconception." Heisuke remarked dismissively.  
  
"That's what they're paid for!"  
  
"No, no, he's making sense." Tetsu said furrowing his brow.  
  
"No he's not!" Suzu protested.  
  
"I'm making perfect sense. You are simply using the defense mechanism of denial. It is a very common issue. The thought that I might be right stresses you and causes anxiety so you say it's not true."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Freud is rarely wrong. I merely try to apply his greatness." This was a new tone to be disturbed by. It took a moment to realize that it was admiration. Tetsu would have to meet this "Freud" guy.  
  
"I'm going." Suzu said abruptly, "And you're sick."  
  
"Fine, but if you leave now you'll be considered siding with the enemy!"  
  
Heisuke waited until Suzu left before sinking down into the chair with some sort of book. He didn't even look up, "You can go Puppy."  
  
"Hey! Aren't you going to ask me?" Tetsu snapped. No way that little cat-boy was going to get an invite. Wasn't he good enough? He hated teachers. Hell, he hated (and fearfully respected) Hijikata and he'd only known him a week.  
  
Heisuke peered over the top of his book, "You sold your soul the moment you allowed Okita's custody. Not that he would be my first choice to train you properly, too close with Hijikata in my opinion, but you're a bright kid in all the right areas. Don't worry too much about it. You'll get some action."  
  
Tetsu wasn't sure what that meant exactly, but if it was a chance to get back at that cold bastard who was never satisfied with what he did then he was so in.  
  
"You can just chill I guess since you don't seem to want to leave." Heisuke mumbled, "Heh, penis envy makes so much sense. Shinpattsan will be back in about fifteen minutes, some stupid project in the art room, and Sano wanders in and out."  
  
"Okay." Tetsu said, still not getting why he was getting such a non-offensive amount of treatment. He hadn't even gotten that 'I want to screw your brains out' tone since orientation. It was really weird since Heisuke tended to direct it at everyone else, especially poor Shinpachi. "But why are you ignoring me. Do you normally let freshmen in your room to just 'chill?'"  
  
"Hardly, they come in here for other… activities." Heisuke snorted then added, "Besides, I know better than to encroach on another wolf's territory. I like my limbs; I need my limbs."  
  
Tetsu didn't get that either so he let it drop.   
  
He wandered over to stare at the posters, determined to make the most of this unexpected privilege. Staring at the long-dead man got boring after a few moments. He wandered over and peered at a bookcase disappointed to see it was all on psychology. Several open books lay on the bed spine up. He almost picked one up when there was a 'no-no' noise behind him. It had more of a warning edge to it rather than the panicked on Tatsu usually used. Tetsu withdrew his hands and wandered over to the other wall… the one with the fish tank.  
  
Idly, he considered skimming his fingertips on the water's surface and did.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggh!" He screamed and jumped back waving his hand wildly. "It attacked it. The fucking piranha attacked me!"  
  
"Cichlids are related to piranhas, although Fish-Ka-Bob, Bob for short, comes from Africa, not South America. He's an Albino Tiger Oscar. Still a baby really."  
  
"Baby?!! The fucker almost took off my finger!" Tetsu said trying to calm his hammering heart. "What, you sound like you know what you're talking about…"  
  
"He works off campus at a fish store; he does know what he's talking about. Since he will being going into the big, wide world soon our wonderful school wants him to be adjusted to work life. Since they don't think he'll make it through college."  
  
"Hey. I like fish." Sano protested.  
  
"Fish are boring. And will you feed that thing Sano? It creeps me out when it watches me." Heisuke said putting down his book.  
  
"There's food right here." Sano protested.  
  
Heisuke snorted, "I prefer my fingers. You never should have taught that monster to jump like that."  
  
"Oscars are very smart. They need stimulation. I got tired of buying a new filter every time he destroyed the last one." Sano explained patiently digging a can of fish food out from beneath the iron stand. He placed it on the rim of the tank and bent down to retrieve something else. He straightened holding three little, orange fish in a green net. "It's not hard."  
  
Heisuke clapped a hand over his eyes, "Do you have to feed them NOW?"  
  
"Heisuke's a big sissy. He doesn't like to watch the feeder fish get torn apart. Do you want to see? It's interesting."  
  
"I'm not a sissy; I just have something called compassion. That's a shitty way to die. Being torn apart by monster fish. I had a dream like that and according to Freud…"  
  
"Please no, we don't want to hear 'according to Freud' anymore than we have to." Shinpachi moaned as he threw himself on the bed under the Elvis pictures. "That man is an evil spawn of the Devil."  
  
"Heh, I told you not to take wielding…" Heisuke mumbled picking up his book again.  
  
Shinpachi moaned again. "You're just jealous because you aren't allowed near a blowtorch."  
  
"There is a very good reason for that. Freud…"  
  
"Just stop! Okay? The man is dead and gone and obsolete. Fuck Freud."  
  
"He might have liked that actually." Heisuke replied.  
  
"Sick! You bastard. Can't you read in the library or something?" Shinpachi snarled and put the pillow over his head.  
  
Heisuke and Sano paused to look over.  
  
"What's wrong Shinpattsan? You know I'm just jerking your chain…"  
  
"And I'm sick of it! Go torture some poor freshman." Shinpachi's howl was a bit muffled by the pillow. "Just get out of my fucking face, okay?"  
  
"Heisuke, I don't think Shinpachi wants to talk." Sano remarked as he dropped what looked like rabbit poop in with the dozen frenzied fish.  
  
Tetsu looked at them with avid fashion. It was hard to think of the Trio as having the same sort of problems everyone else did. Or that they could have fights. They were always there, together. They backed each other up no matter what.  
  
"You're right Sano, I don't want to talk. Just drop it. I need a nap."  
  
"Well too bad. You're going to have to talk. To me. You can't just bite my head off without giving a reason!" Heisuke growled tossing his book and standing up to walk over to the prone teenager. He grabbed the comforter the smaller boy was laying on and jerked. The carrot top fell to the ground with a painful thump, but made no move to get up, "That's rude, inconsiderate, and annoying. I don't like people biting my head off unless it was deserved."  
  
When he wasn't answered he toed the boy with his foot. Nothing. Harder. Nothing.   
  
"I'm going to really deck you if you don't answer me." Heisuke warned drawing back his foot.  
  
Shinpachi rolled under the bed.  
  
"Get out here!"  
  
"Go away."  
  
"I really think…" Sano trailed off and pretended to be interested in his killer fish.  
  
"And I think he needs to talk. Now." Heisuke insisted getting on his knees and peering under the bed. For his trouble he nearly was punched in the nose.  
  
"And I think I don't want to." Shinpachi snapped.  
  
Heisuke dove under dragging the struggling teen out by the back of his uniform. Dust bunnies flew everywhere and Shinpachi made a few painful sounding hits.  
  
"Dang, I'm bleeding." Heisuke said leaning back. His final jerk had dragged Shinpachi out from under the bed and practically into his lap. He dabbed at his forehead gently and stared at his stained fingers.  
  
Shinpachi extracted himself and pulled out a first aid kit.  
  
"Don't touch me." Heisuke snapped in good imitation of Shinpachi's voice.  
  
"Quit being an ass." Sano growled. He capped the fish food and stomped out calling over his shoulder, "When you two figure it out let me know. I'll be getting some food."  
  
Tetsu felt free suddenly to stare all he wanted. It wasn't like they even knew he was there anyway.  
  
Shinpachi jerked away looking hurt.  
  
"I'm sorry." They both blurted out.  
  
"It was my fault. I shouldn't have taken my bad mood out on you guys. You know I don't really mind your Freud stuff, usually. My bastard art teacher made me scrap my project. The one I've been working on for a month now. Said it took up too much room and served no purpose." Shinpachi explained in a low voice moving to doctor the puncture wound.  
  
"No, that's okay. I should have known better than to mess with you." Heisuke admitted then grinned cheekily, "You're so cute I forget how vicious you can be when you're angry."  
  
Shinpachi groaned, "Don't start on the animal-reference."  
  
"Okay Shinpattsan. But you are a--."  
  
"Gah! I'm not! Do I look like an oversized rodent? No. They're just like fluffy rats on steroids."  
  
Tetsu decided that it was a good time to just go ahead and sneak on out. Just in case.  
  
"Tetsu."  
  
Oh shit. What'd he do now?  
  
"I had the most interesting conversation with Heisuke this morning in the office."  
  
Not good.  
  
"I'd like to know what you've been up to this week."  
  
Run away.  
  
"And don't you take off. I know where you live."  
  
Shit.  
  
"I… umm…"  
  
"Well?"  
  
"I've been going to class? And making friends, yeah, making friends. Um… I haven't done my homework, but I'm going to! This weekend. Really!" Tetsu blathered.  
  
Tatsu stared at his younger brother. He never was any good at catching him in a lie, yet he seemed sincerely confused.  
  
He thought back to that office conversation to clarify things…  
  
Tatsu looked up to see a teary eyed freshmen holding up a slip and crying, 'But I didn't break the dress code! I was told to wear this skirt!' Ten minutes later, another, more stoic freshman, who claimed to have been locked in his locker for two hours before a janitor released him. Not five minutes later another came in claiming all his pants had been stolen from the wash. This was becoming a pattern.  
  
When Heisuke sauntered in Tatsu had confronted him.  
  
'Why me? You should check up on your beloved little brother before you start pointing fingers.'  
  
And it was those words that had led him here: Right outside the Trio's dorm.  
  
"It sounds like you're adjusting well." A little too well, Tatsu thought to himself. His little brother was well known for fighting and generally being disagreeable, yet he seemed fine. "I'm glad you like it here." Especially since you've been expelled from four other schools in the district already.  
  
"I am! Okita promised to show me some stuff and I'm part of the freedom movement against teacherism!" Tetsu shouted enthusiastically.  
  
"Explain." "Teacherism" didn't sound like a term Tetsu should be acquainted with.  
  
"Um… I… it's secret."  
  
"I'm sure it is." Tatsu twitched. He could feel it dogging him. It being that nasty migraine that seemed to appear when they hit a difficult subject. It seemed to trade off with his ulcer when physically butt-saving was involved.  
  
"Uh, I've got to go! I told Okita I would meet him before the assembly!" Tetsu yelped. He wished he could lie with a straight, blank face, but no, he had to flame up like a fucking sunrise. Before his older brother could call him back he bolted.  
  
He ran for a good couple of minutes before he realized he had no clue where Okita's dorm was exactly.  
  
The purple haired boy surely knew where Tetsu's was and he frequented with a few cheery words or a comment before flitting off to do something else.  
  
Tetsu! Are you looking for something?" Okita asked coming from the opposite direction. Tucked under one arm was a pink blob and the other held a neon orange Frisbee with teeth marks.  
  
"Uh, yeah, I was looking for you actually!" Tetsu stumbled. "What's that thing?"  
  
Okita cocked his head then looked down. He smiled and patted the thing on the head earning a strange noise from the creature.  
  
"This is Saizou. Saizou Tetsu, Tetsu Saizou." Okay, Okita was introducing the food item like it was a person. "He's my pet pig."  
  
Tetsu leaned in closer to get a better look.  
  
"Damn it! Why is everything biting me today!" He howled and stumbled back simultaneously glaring and clutching his dishonored nose.  
  
"You must have met Bob." Okita giggled, "Unless you're having trouble with Heisuke? I think everyone else keeps their mouth to themselves here."  
  
There was this dull ringing in Tetsu's head. Something about a not taking a wolf's property and not wanting to be torn apart and no touching. Did that mean anything to the conversation they were having now? Oh well, that train of thought was gone. And it had lasted quite a while compared to the normal flow!  
  
"No… Yes, I mean, I met Bob. Heisuke didn't bite me either. Um, he and Shinpachi had a fight though. That was weird. I'm so used to them and Sano raising hell together."  
  
Okita ran a gently teased the pig with the Frisbee and shrugged, "They're people too. No one gets along all the time."  
  
"I guess. It's still weird and all to think about." Tetsu said scratching his head. Then the question that had been lurking since he entered the Trio's dorm surfaced, "I thought there's no pets allowed."  
  
Okita considered that then nodded.  
  
"But both you and Sano have pets."  
  
"True. We're special!" Okita chirped.  
  
"Don't give me that crap. I can't see the dem- I mean, Hijikata letting you guys break the rules like that." Tetsu snorted.  
  
"So skeptical at such a young age!" Okita exclaimed with a mock gesture of shock and surprise. "You'd be surprised at what goes on that Hijikata allows."  
  
Tetsu made a face and muttered a quick, I guess if you say so.  
  
"Come with me. I have to put Saizou in my dorm then we can go to the assembly. It is always fun."  
  
Tetsu was beginning to have doubts about Okita's definition of fun, but he dutifully followed. At least now he would know where the senior was roomed.  
  
They were walking past the nurse's office when a tall young man stumbled out. He made a rude gesture, which Tetsu had be instructed to never, on penalty of revoked TV privileges, ever make. A finger didn't seem too insulting to him so it wasn't a big deal not to use it.  
  
The youth turned around right into Tetsu.  
  
Talk about reflexes of a pissed guy.  
  
Before Tetsu could blink he'd been slammed into a locker. The wind was knocked out of him and rough hands clutched the loose cloth on his uniform, which made him instinctively lash out. Not that it seemed to help any.  
  
"Susumu, you should release Tetsu. Now." There was a cold edge to the not-quite polite request.  
  
Tetsu crumpled as he was dropped and sat gasping for air.  
  
"Fag." The intruder snarled in a dangerous tone. One Tetsu didn't care for. Well, they say old habits diehard. Beating the shit out of someone obviously was immortal because within seconds he was all over the taller, older boy.  
  
"Get the fuck off you little brat!"   
  
Tetsu didn't reply. He was too busy trying to sink his teeth into the wiry bicep that was waving in front of him.  
  
"What is going on here!" A deep, threatening voice bellowed. It was the classic frozen-in-time scenario where the two were locked in ridiculous poses intending some serious damage.  
  
"Susumu." Ayumu said disapproving. "You promised no more fights."  
  
"He jumped me." Susumu snarled giving Tetsu a cuff to the head and stumbling back nursing his bitten arm, "Now I need a rabies shot."  
  
Tetsu wiped away some blood and sneered, "If you weren't such a bastard…"  
  
"Enough." Hijikata rumbled, his voice radiating displeasure at the display of immaturity, "Get out Susumu."  
  
The teen's lip twitched in a sneer before he stalked off muttering under his breath.  
  
"Ichimura."  
  
"Yeah?" Tetsu shot back. He didn't care how he was punished; it was worth it. Worth every punch and bite and scratch mark he laid on the jerk.  
  
"Don't. It was my fault." Okita said bravely looking worried, "Tetsu was just trying to defend me."  
  
"You can look after yourself." Hijikata said crisply and Tetsu was torn between relief that Okita wasn't going to get in trouble and apprehension that he was going to be in some trouble. "You do not need a child to defend you."  
  
Okita looked between Hijikata and Tetsu. He bowed his head in understanding. It must have been a rare thing for Hijikata to call the senior down like that.  
  
"Let it go Toshi. Please?" Ayumu suggested. She looked Tetsu over and made a disapproving noise, "Twice in one week. I get the feeling I'll be seeing you a lot this year."  
  
Tetsu squirmed uncomfortably throughout the whole doctoring experience. Usually Tatsu would tend his battle wounds-- complete with the running stream commentary about what in God's name Tatsu had done in his previous life and why he deserved a troublesome brother and how in the world would the bloodstains come out?  
  
"There you go. Your shoulder looks just about healed now too. That's a good thing." Ayumu nodded and let him escape.  
  
He liked the woman a lot, but with Hijikata sitting right there and Okita digging through the cabinets like a squirrel looking for its nut was slightly uncomfortable. Especially the way Hijikata kept looking at him.  
  
Geez, it was just a fight.  
  
"Uh,"  
  
"Ah, all done?" Okita asked turning around. It seemed whatever he was searching for remained elusive.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Okay. Thank you Ayunee!" Okita chirped grabbing Tetsu's lower arm and dragging him out. He paused at the door and said over his shoulder, "See you at the Freshmen Assembly Hijikata."  
  
Once they were out in the hall they started to follow the trickle of students going towards the gym. Oh wouldn't Yoshida love this? He hated noise and mess. No, scratch that, he hated kids. And he hated them even more when they were in large masses in his gym messing it up.  
  
"What about Saizou?" Tetsu asked glancing over his shoulder.  
  
"He'll be okay." Okita said waving his hand, "I'm sure Ayunee will put him back in my room. Or he can stay in the nurse's office for now. He's a very smart, clean pig you know."  
  
"Hey, Okita, Puppy." Well, that's what Tetsu assumed Heisuke was saying. Apparently his nose made his normally smooth tone rather nasal. "This ought to be a blast."  
  
"You aren't going to start the 'raw raw raw' cheer again?" Shinpachi groaned and on the other side of him Sano chuckled.   
  
"You just don't understand. They're tender!"  
  
"Please don't say it in that tone." Shinpachi requested, "It makes you sound like you're planning to…"  
  
"Eat them. I wondered what human tastes like." Sano butted in.  
  
"Yeah, um, eat them. That's exactly what I was going to say."   
  
"We need some cheerleaders. You know, like a pep squad or something." Heisuke said suddenly with a gleam in his eyes.  
  
"I don't think you'd be able to get anyone in a skirt." Okita remarked around a dum dum pop.  
  
"Damn, I know. Maybe if I modeled…"  
  
"Eww, that's sick." Tetsu gasped and stumbled. There were quite a few things he didn't want to see in his life. It had never occurred to him before, but that was one of them.  
  
"If it doesn't involve a skirt I'd be happy to volunteer though." Okita said cheerily, "I'd think it could be quite fun."  
  
"Give me an H!" Sano bellowed making Shinpachi wince and plug his ears. "Give me an E. Give me an… wait, what comes next?"  
  
"L." Shinpachi sneered, "Two Ls."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"You were trying to spell HELL right? So two Ls." Shinpachi affirmed.  
  
"Oh, okay. L!"  
  
"Well said Shinpattsan and Sano. School is just a form of Hell in Purgatory." Heisuke said making a small clapping sound. He shrugged, "Does that make Hijikata the devil? The chief tormentor and oppressor of youthful entrepreneurs?"  
  
"You're just mad that he doesn't let you walk around doing what you please. Not all of your ideas would make everyone feel comfortable. Especially not the fact that you proposed that the bathrooms should have containers of oil."   
  
"And condoms, don't forget! Safe sexual activity was promoted too!" Heisuke said shaking his head, "Really. The two weren't connected at all."  
  
"Sure they weren't Heisuke...like peanut butter doesn't go with jam."  
  
"Oh boy, look who showed up. I thought you were banned from school grounds? Finally decide to crawl out from under that rock I see."  
  
"Finally decided to get off yours."  
  
"At least I don't have to mark territory." Heisuke snorted.  
  
"You don't have anything to mark."  
  
"Now Susumu, you could try being polite." Okita reminded, unperturbed by the vicious banter. He played with the end of his hair as he walked.   
  
"I could, if I didn't think the lot of you were worth it."  
  
"Hey, you need to back off jerk!" Tetsu sputtered fiercely. Susumu looked down at him with disinterest and remarked, "Assimilation suits you well. Soon you'll be just like them. Mindless slaves of the system."  
  
"You want to fight me again?" Tetsu growled balling up his fist. Maybe he would end up in the nurse's office a third time.  
  
"Hey now, none of that." Sano said pushing between them. He gave a broad grin before hammering both of them in the chest to shove them to opposite sides of the hall. Rather than the usual large crowd of gawkers and rubberneckers the crowd tried to pretend they really wanted to get to the assembly.  
  
"Typical." Susumu snorted cynically, "Getting your big dog to protect you. Hey Rover, how about you go tree someone else? I don't feel like playing."  
  
"I suggest you leave." Okita continued peaceably, "Before someone decides your mouth needs to be sealed."  
  
"I feel like staying here."  
  
"Heisuke, we have to go set up the speakers."  
  
"Yeah yeah. I see why Sano has to help me, but why do you have to come Shinpattsan?" Heisuke asked his short companion then grinned, "Not that I mind overly much. What sort of trio would we be with two members?"  
  
Shinpachi rolled his eyes. "I'd imagine that I'm there to make sure something like Rollout or Pony doesn't "accidentally" get switched with the sports music. You know how that happened last year and all."  
  
"Hey, how are those any different from Elvis' Burning Love?"  
  
"Class." Shinpachi replied.  
  
"He's a dead man!"  
  
"So is Freud." Shinpachi shot back.  
  
"But his ideals live on and are taught to willing pupils all over the world. Who listens to Elvis anymore? The man died of an overdose. End of story. His music is old, nasty, and obsolete. It is simply that I love you that much, that I endure listening to it day after day."  
  
"And I might buy that line if you didn't manage to pervert it." Shinpachi protested as the Trio branched off to set things up.  
  
Okita was looking around and waving to various people or shouting out across the hall. Tetsu was amazed how he seemed to know everyone's name. It didn't seem to matter what class they were in, he'd still say a few words or gave a wave.  
  
Susumu, on the other hand, was glaring and generally looking unhappy about the situation he was in. He would occasionally bump into someone. Most of those unfortunates were smart enough to scramble away. One wasn't so lucky. The boy was stuffed in a locker.  
  
Okita paused, but didn't say anything to Susumu. Instead he walked over to the locker and asked if the kid was alright. The shaky reply was lost to Tetsu in the crowd's talk, but Okita nodded.  
  
"Tetsu, you stay right here okay?"  
  
Ten minutes later Okita was back with the scariest person yet.  
  
"Maro will fix this."  
  
Tetsu's eyes darted between Okita and the creature he seemed to have dragged from some dark basement. His wide eyes lingered longest on the wicked nails that seemed to be more like bear claws.  
  
"Is he…"  
  
"Yes." Susumu answered.  
  
"And…"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"But…"  
  
"Also, yes."  
  
"Hey! How do you know what I was going to say?"  
  
"I don't, but everyone asks the same thing." Susumu replied darkly.  
  
The poor student was freed, much to his personal terror. With a bleat he tore off to hide among his classmates.  
  
"Thank you. Susumu didn't mean to shove him in, I'm sure."  
  
"Sure I didn't. I tripped."  
  
"See?"  
  
"Ah, you boys should be more careful in the future!"  
  
Tetsu wanted to crawl inside the locker to hide. Then again, considering who would have to rescue him…  
  
"Tetsu are you coming?"  
  
Did he ever stop? Okita was like a purple energizer bunny. He kept going and going and going. It must be the sugar consumption.  
  
"Yeah!" Tetsu yelled and ran to catch up. Thankfully Susumu seemed to have gone off in another direction.  
  
"Freshmen are over in those stands." Okita pointed to the milling mass of harassed-looking students.  
  
Tetsu wandered off towards the indicated area. He really didn't know any freshmen besides Suzu. Maybe he should try to make friends or some shit. Yeah. He had decided that, but looking at the mass of sheep he couldn't help looking longingly towards the senior's stands.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Ahh!" Tetsu jumped and glared at Suzu.  
  
"Scare much?" The white haired boy said in a blunt tone, "This is stupid."  
  
"It should be fun." Tetsu protested.  
  
"As fun as having an aneurysm in your brain."  
  
"You did?" Tetsu asked wide-eyed. He wasn't sure what that was but it sounded horrible.  
  
"If I had one I would probably be dead." Suzu groaned and rolled his head back, "I might wish one on me just to get out of here."  
  
Tetsu pondered over that.  
  
"Rallies are fun."  
  
"They're loud."  
  
"Fun."  
  
"And obnoxious."  
  
"Fun."  
  
"Hot and smelly."  
  
"Eww, no they're not!"  
  
"When is the last time you had a shower?"  
  
"I don't have to answer that!"  
  
"See?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You're hopeless."  
  
They lapsed into silence as the music, thankfully clean music, blared up filling the gym. The lights flashed and someone screamed. It seemed from that point on Tetsu was having a nice out of body experience. Suzu didn't seem to be enjoying it quite so much. He looked kind of ill actually.  
  
Then suddenly there was a chant.  
  
"Fresh-man, fresh-man, fresh-man. Rah-rah-rah!" The rest of the school chanted with accompanying arm movements.  
  
Suddenly the chant seemed to morph and splice.  
  
"Fresh-meat fresh-meat fresh-meat. Raw raw raw!"  
  
It started out with one booming voice down by the speakers, but then the juniors picked it up with mindless glee. Soon it had spread to the sophomores, then even the seniors.  
  
"Are they saying we're food?" Tetsu whispered suddenly seeing the reason why the freshmen population felt like mice.  
  
Suzu sunk into a crouch and sighed heavily. "This is going to be a long year."  
  
Fyyrrose: snickers I'm allowed to take pride in warping characters. Yes, Shin. and Inu. Glad you liked the tapes! And of course PSoH. Yes I do. You need to catch those typos/misspellings. It should be a breeze. Hehe, it's up to 87 pages, just like Strays. Implications are all they are stern face Okita was just helping Tetsu with his stance. Me? I'm not nice. Saito is. Don't worry about the pixie stick, I'll work that in. HxO is fun! Tatsu's fun too :) I'll give him a little more time later. SL has been blissfully silent. Vamp's been silent too? OO wow.  
  
MissBehavin: I think Saito was working under his theory that he only has to move when he's absolutely needed. After all, no one else would step in (that was there anyway) for fear of being smacked to pieces. Broken skulls aren't fun. I haven't decided on the ghosts bit entirely, but there are some things. As for the HxO "distrubing moment," think #15 with the words "Run Tetsu-kun. Run to the ends of the Earth!" Heisuke's not creepy per se OO He just has too many hormones and an unhealthy interest in Psychology. Hehe, I'm writing the pig chapter now. 


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter Three: Monday, Labor Day  
  
Tetsu was glad that school was off for the day. Day after day after day of school was grating. Being Hijikata's student aid was even worse. Fetch this, do that. What was he a dog? Well, at least Suzu seemed to have the same problem.  
  
"Suzu, please lock up the balls when you and your," The gym teacher's eyes flickered over to the four standing in the doorway waiting patiently, "Friends are done."  
  
"Yes Master."  
  
"Maybe not the kind of balls he wants there." Heisuke snickered, "The guys in dorm 5A owe me $20. Yoshida IS gay."  
  
"You're sick. Betting on other people's preferences." Shinpachi accused narrowing his eyes.  
  
"Hey, easy cash. My Gaydar has yet to fail me." Heisuke shrugged. He looked at Suzu and requested, "Give me your balls."  
  
Shinpachi choked and Suzu paled.  
  
"Heh," Heisuke rubbed the back of his head slowly, "Freudian slip?"  
  
Sano ignored them as usual and snatched the basketball from Suzu's grip. He bounced it hard, making the orange ball slam up and hit the doorway. It shot down nearly smashing Heisuke on the head.  
  
Then shorter boy caught it and frowned, "Be a bit more careful will you? Is that anyway to treat a beautiful young man? You could have scarred me."  
  
"And you'd lose all your sex appeal because your skull was cracked." Shinpachi remarked rolling his eyes in a lazy fashion.  
  
"So you think I'm sexy?"  
  
Shinpachi's eyes widened as he realized his word choice and he flamed bright red, "What? I didn't say that!"  
  
Heisuke purred and smirked, "You can't take it back now."  
  
Shinpachi grabbed the ball out of his hands. He bounced it forcefully and started to walk off. "Let's just go play. I'm sure Okita will be waiting for us."  
  
Tetsu started at the short senior's back before asking in confusion, "What was that about?"  
  
"He wants me." Heisuke replied and smirked.  
  
Sano shook his big head, "I don't know about that."  
  
Suzu sighed. "Not everyone wants you Heisuke. In fact, you scare me on occasion with that… that tone you use."  
  
"Let's go play some basketball!" Sano whooped and jetted ahead suddenly running over the poor carrot top and snatching the ball. He slammed down the hall and out the back doors towards the outside court.  
  
Tetsu stared after him then turned to Suzu, "Why are we playing against that monster again?"  
  
"I was going to ask you. It hardly seems fair for them to have Sano." Suzu sighed. He seemed to do that a lot. And all the sighs had different meanings as far as Tetsu could tell.  
  
Okita was already at the court. His pet pig was sleeping in the grass at his feet and his long hair was pulled into a working ponytail. He smiled lazily as they approached and rose gracefully.  
  
"Ready to lose to the unbeatable Trio?" Shinpachi bragged.  
  
Okita bobbed his head and gave a pout, "I don't know. It doesn't seem too fair."  
  
"Aww, suck it up pig-boy." Sano grinned bouncing the ball and shooting from the free throw line. The ball slammed off the rim with a metallic bang and shot back into his hands.  
  
"All right, but go easy on me. I only have the two freshmen on my team." Okita replied still pouting.  
  
Tetsu wasn't even listening. He gave a particularly nasty shark-grin showing all his teeth. He was short; that was true. Yet it never stopped him from whaling the crap out of any opponent who was stupid enough to get in his way. Now, the rules might be a little nicer, but if he chose to guard Sano…  
  
The game started off with easy banter and a lazy intensity. The keyword was started. Soon it gathered an edge to it. A comment there, a shove here. Someone made an excellent shot that brought forth hisses of annoyances and rowdy shouts of glee.  
  
"Nice shot Shinpachi." Okita complimented with his usual carefree demeanor. He easily caught the ball and passed it to Suzu.   
  
"Hey, you're not on my team!" Shinpachi protested trying to guard the lithe, white haired freshmen, who as it turned out, was quite apt at playing.  
  
"So?" Okita asked then remarked, "I can still comment, can't I? It was a good shot."  
  
"Stop talking with the enemy!" Tetsu ordered trying to block Sano the Juggernut.   
  
Okita paused to give on of his best cute, puzzled faces and asked in a meek tone, "Are they the enemy? I thought this was a friendly game."  
  
Tetsu growled and made a dive for the big shin in front of him. He hissed and jumped back in front of the biggest boy. Sano batted him aside intent on one thing.  
  
"It was until I was trampled and we started getting our asses kicked!" The redhead howled.  
  
"Such language." Heisuke smirked loosing a shot over Okita's head.  
  
Okita twisted around to intercept the shot. He tossed the ball to Tetsu. The purple haired senior had an amazing knack for snatching the ball out of midair or from peoples' hands, but he was terrible at shooting even the easiest of shots. Suzu had an incredibly accuracy, which he blamed on his childhood, for making objects go where he wanted them to go. All Tetsu had going for him was aggression.  
  
Unfortunately, the Trio had their reputation for good reason. They worked as a smooth team. Heisuke generally made most of the lay-ups and passes while Sano blocked and Shinpachi went for free throws. This was giving them the win by a landslide.  
  
SWOOSH.  
  
"Ha, eat that!" Sano crowed. Heisuke and Shinpachi gave leers of victory.  
  
Tetsu slammed the ball down, "Rematch."  
  
"Now now, some of us are tired!" Okita laughed. "Besides, it's only noon. We should eat and do something else with our day off."  
  
"You just want dessert." Heisuke accused, "Blood sugar getting a bit low? I'm sure Sano would love to play with the Puppy one-on-one."  
  
"Yes, when the blood sugar drops I tend to get testy." Okita agreed.  
  
Heisuke smirked, "I'm sure there are more than one way to fix that. But I suppose you want food."  
  
"Ice cream."  
  
Shinpachi shrugged, "We could go to that Italian place down the way and get some pizza."  
  
"I do not know. We are not supposed to go off school grounds." Suzu cautioned as he gathered up the ball to put it back like he promised.  
  
Heisuke made a dismissive noise, "Seniors are allowed off campus."  
  
"We're not seniors however."  
  
"He's got a point." Okita said thoughtfully with an index finger pressed gently against his lower lip. A smile curved on his face and he gave a small laugh, "I'll be right back okay?"  
  
"Man is he ever a little brat." Shinpachi sighed and fell back in the grass looking up at the sky. Sano thumped down beside him with grunt. Heisuke carefully sunk down on the cement. "Hijikata would give him just about anything I think."  
  
"Okita is a very smart man." Heisuke shrugged, "Never got detention once."  
  
"Unlike us." Sano scoffed.  
  
"I'm confused." Tetsu said blinking. He wished Suzu hadn't left to put that stupid ball away. He was always good at figuring out what the Trio wouldn't say.  
  
"Aw, is the Puppy worried?" Heisuke asked squinting up at him from where he sat cross-legged. He plucked a blade of grass and stuck it in his mouth. "That's sweet."  
  
"Wha-what are you talking about?" Tetsu demanded turning bright red under the lackadaisical scrutiny. He turned his back to them to hide it.  
  
"I'm saying you don't have to worry about Hijikata." Heisuke repeated. "He's quite straight. A pity really, but you know."  
  
"Straight?"  
  
"Likes women." Sano clarified, "I had a girlfriend once."  
  
"Your ex is a real winner." Shinpachi scoffed and rolled over on his side with his head propped up on his elbow.   
  
"What happened?" Tetsu asked. He had just started to consider the opposite sex as something worthwhile. That's what landed him in this stupid school in the first place!  
  
"She didn't like his piranhas." Heisuke murmured, enjoying the sun.  
  
"I love Fish-Ka-Bob like a son. She expected me to give him up." Sano sniffed. "He was just a baby then too. How cruel."  
  
"Classic 'it's him or me' women shit." Shinpachi agreed.  
  
"I chose Bob." Sano added. "How could I not?"  
  
"As you should. I wonder if 'wandering womb' affects brains as well as limbs." Heisuke snorted. "Don't get mixed up with women if you don't feel like you have to."  
  
"But why does that demon liking women affect me?"  
  
Shinpachi chuckled and Sano boomed with laughter. Tetsu flamed up with anger. Hey, what was wrong with his question?  
  
"You like Okita don't you?" Heisuke asked giving a hooded, calculating look, "You're just lucky that we're just friends, otherwise I'd of stolen him long ago. As it is he's open."  
  
Shinpachi sighed heavily, "You say that, but Okita's never been in a relationship. How do you know which way he swings?"  
  
"Trust me, I know."  
  
"I—I…"  
  
"Okay, we can go!" Okita shouted across the lawn at them. He had Saizou tucked under one arm and his hair was back down.  
  
"Just don't take all year about it." Heisuke advised Tetsu.  
  
Whatever that meant. Take all year about what? Those three were talking way over his head and it was ticking him off! Couldn't they just explain it a little? He still didn't see what Hijikata had to do with anything or why Heisuke would be talking about stealing Okita. Where would he take him?  
  
They waited for Suzu to come back before going out the gate without any trouble. The security guard even had a polite smile for them.   
  
Tetsu remembered the last time he tried to sneak out. The man wasn't nearly so nice then.  
  
'Where are you going boy?' The big cop boomed threatening, 'I believe you have an assembly to be attending.'  
  
It was true, but it was a waste of time and Tetsu didn't want to go.   
  
Unfortunately, he wasn't a very accomplished liar.  
  
'Uh, back inside?'  
  
'Good choice.'  
  
That jerk. Then again, in the company of Okita even the most surly of people had some rusty smile to pull out.  
  
Sano's eyes slid over, "Do you have to dress like that?"  
  
"Does it bother you?" Okita asked producing a packet of starburst from some hidden pocket. He pulled out a red one, peeled it, and popped it in his mouth with satisfaction.  
  
"I think Sano's worried that you'll get more whistles and honks than you did last time." Heisuke grinned, "You're a lucky man to get so much attention."  
  
"Good thing you're so ugly or we wouldn't be able to do a thing with you." Shinpachi growled sourly, "You already have more self-confidence than you need."  
  
"Aw, you always have the nicest compliments."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"You two." Okita said shaking his head and skipping ahead a few paces. He turned around and started walking backwards, "We should go see a movie."  
  
"It's not like there is anything good out." Shinpachi shrugged then added woefully, "It's not like I have any cash anyway. The movies are expensive."  
  
"There's that dollar theater." Sano suggested. "The last Lord of the Rings is still playing there I think."  
  
"That's a good idea."  
  
So it was agreed.  
  
And overall it was a really good idea too. It certainly satisfied Tetsu's need for excessive violence. He really liked Gollum too. Except whenever they came to a part where the mutated freak came in it also seemed to involve Sam and Frodo. Heisuke had plenty to say on that matter:  
  
"You should just jump Frodo. I'm sure he wouldn't refuse." Heisuke advised the screen. It was a really good thing that they were the only ones in the theater.  
  
"Sam is just a loyal friend." Suzu protested, "He even gets married in the end."  
  
"So? Sam might as well enjoy some fun before being chained to the marriage bed."  
  
Of course, Sano seemed to like the dwarf best and would laugh uproariously at random lines.  
  
Tetsu's favorite parts were the battle scenes. Especially the one with the elf dude.  
  
"Kill kill kill! Jump, slash, hack, run, that's it! Do it do it! And whoosh!"  
  
"That was cool." Okita agreed cheerfully munching on some jujus.  
  
"Damn straight it was! Oh and I love Gimli's response!" Tetsu continued eagerly, enjoying the film with unbound enthusiasts that he seemed to apply to most aspects of his life, " 'It still only counts as one.' That's got to be the best line ever!"  
  
Things actually were nice and normal until the wedding scene where Suzu announced he would be waiting outside because he couldn't stand to see the book butchered so badly.  
  
"Gotta go pee pee Kitty?" Heisuke grinned not interested in the wedding in the slightest. In fact, he remarked that it would be cool if the chick lit herself on fire and duplicated the leaping off the top of the tower stunt that the other guy did.  
  
"Please do not use that terminology with me."  
  
"Do you need me to hold your hand? Are you scared of the potty monster?"  
  
"How painful could it be to drown in toilet water?" Suzu asked rhetorically.  
  
"Now now, I think I'd better go with you if you're going to be so negative. Suicide is not the answer." Heisuke said with a serious face.  
  
"I was asking for you."  
  
"Oh, I don't like toilet water very much, but thanks for thinking of me." Heisuke cheeked.  
  
Since the show was a matinee they still had plenty of time to do some window-shopping. The Trio split off promising to meet back up in about two hours or so. Okita disappeared, probably to the fudge shop that was a few blocks away. That left the two freshmen to their own devices.  
  
"Uh, need anything?" Tetsu asked. When Suzu shook his head the freshman shrugged and went towards the nearest shop. It was filled with all sorts of weird crap he'd never seen before. There was one thing that caught his interest.  
  
"Absolutely not." Suzu said crossing his arms. "That stuff chokes me."  
  
"Hey, it's my room too!" Tetsu snapped back, "And it's doesn't!"  
  
"It is bad when the local crack head comes in to see what you are smoking!" Suzu protested hotly with his eyes narrowed. He tried grabbing the box, but Tetsu held on tightly.  
  
"Saito's not a crack head." Tetsu remarked giving a tug.  
  
"And you know that because you are such good friends." Suzu asked yanking back. "That stupid incense smells like weed."  
  
"Does not!"  
  
"Does too!"  
  
"Not!"  
  
"Too!"  
  
Suzu released his death grip sending Tetsu flying back. The shorter boy smashed into something big and heavy. There was a shatter that made both boys wince guiltily.  
  
Suzu bent down and went paler than he already was. The price tag fell from his grasp limply.  
  
"This is all your fault!"  
  
Suzu turned with a jerky motion, "Do you have five hundred dollars?" Tetsu shook his head and mouthed 'you.' Suzu frowned and muttered, "Not with me at the moment…"  
  
The storekeeper, a decidedly meek looking man before, suddenly loomed up behind them maliciously. Damn, he suddenly grew fangs, horns, and a tail.  
  
The low, gravelly voice ground out, "You boys better be able to pay for that." Then there was the accursed sign, 'You break, you buy. We call the police.'  
  
Suzu's eyes flashed proudly and he stiffened, "Of course it will be paid for. I am not a trouble maker," Dirty look at Tetsu, "Or a dishonest person."  
  
"Uh, yeah, do you take a slave for life or do you want cash?" Tetsu chuckled nervously.  
  
Bam!  
  
Tetsu and Suzu didn't even have time to react before they were driven into the floor face first.  
  
"Good sir, please forgive these CHILDREN. They are just KIDS. BABIES almost. They have NO manners and I am," Dramatic sigh, "Partially responsible. If only I had watched these CHILDREN more closely, then they wouldn't have had the chance to act CHILDISH, and unfortunately break your lovely merchandise with their SELFISH, THOUGHTLESS actions. You can't expect too much of mere KIDS. Of course they will pay back every cent that your beautiful vase was worth, and they will clean up this mess, if you would just please forgive these YOUNG CHILDREN."  
  
"Ouch…"Tetsu remarked trying to pry his cheek from the floor. That only seemed to encourage his brother to grind it down harder. He could hear Suzu squirming and swearing softly under his breath from Tatsu's other side.  
  
The storekeeper seemed incredibly confused and off kilter by this sudden groveling and prostration. He frowned and looked at the few customers loitering to see the free show. A difficult choice had been laid before him. He could carry out the harsh plan he had intended for the two rowdies and look the total cruel bastard, or he could give a lighter sentence, suck it up, and make a good impress. Damn it. His mother always told him the sales didn't suit his nature too well.  
  
"I guess it was just an accident." He muttered like a chastened dog and half turned returning with a broom and dustpan. When the freak young man got up to help the storekeeper pushed him away. Right now he just wanted the three to go the heck away. "Stop by my store after I close to work out a payment." Hopefully he wouldn't be so peeved then. In the meantime, he had the oldest one's wallet. They weren't going to get off scot-free.  
  
Tetsu stumbled as he was pushed out of the shop.   
  
Oh boy.  
  
Again.  
  
As predicted, the hands came crashing down on his shoulders. He didn't even resist as he was shook like a rag doll with accompanying dialogue. All that he heard was blah bad Tetsu blah heart attack… Tetsu blah blah… Do you want my blood pressure to rocket? Blah blah… what did I do to deserve this? Blah… ulcer… blah… kill me.  
  
"What kind of neurotic are you anyway?" Suzu asked disgruntled. He rubbed his left shoulder gingerly. "We did not do it on purpose."  
  
"You!" Tatsu whirled making Suzu raise an eyebrow mildly, "Don't get me started. You two have to pay that man back. Where are you going to get that kind of money? You don't want to go to jail do you?"  
  
"Of course not." Suzu said impatiently, "Normal people do not want to go to jail."  
  
"I don't know…" Jail sounded kind of appealing. Free food and no obligations.  
  
"Tetsu! Don't you even joke like that!" Tatsu screeched. "I didn't raise you to go in with hardened criminals, rapists, and robbers! Do you know what they would do to a poor, innocent, young child in prison?" He took a deep, shuddering breath and clutched at his chest, "You would be feeder food Tetsu! Do you hear me? A light snack of molestation! God, my blood pressure!"  
  
"How is that different from daily exchanges with Heisuke?" The white haired freshman sighed, "I am going to find… well, anyone else. I will leave you two to your brotherly bonding." Suzu said over his shoulder as he walked off.  
  
"What's male-gestation?" Tetsu asked in confusion.  
  
"Darling, men don't have gestation." A pretty woman remarked from where she was passing out free samples. She looked surprisingly like someone Tetsu knew, but he couldn't place it. Where had he…? "They wouldn't do very well I'm afraid."  
  
Tatsu looked at her and stuttered, "Uh, he didn't mean that."  
  
"Oh? He meant molestation. Hardly a word for a," Glance through lashes, "Child such as him. You should be far more careful about what you teach such an impressionable boy."  
  
"Fuck off bitch." Tetsu spat and bristled. He wasn't a little brat kid!  
  
"Tetsu!"  
  
Slam.  
  
And Tetsu met Mr. Hardwood's cousin Ms. Cement.  
  
"Apologize! That's no way to speak to anyone, let alone a lady!" Tatsu hollered making people stop and stare.  
  
"I don't see no lady." He muttered sullenly.  
  
"Proper English! And you will apologize right now!"  
  
Tetsu rolled out from his brother's grasp and stood up sullenly. Scuffing a foot he grumbled, "I'm sorry I called you a bitch," Under his breath he added, "I should have called you something worse." Looking up slowly he continued, "And I'm sorry for saying the f-word to you. It was," Dark glare at Tatsu, "Impolite."  
  
Sadistic bitch, she was grinning.  
  
With a quick movement the illusion, the disguise, was lifted. Within an instant it was replaced.  
  
"That bastard!" Tetsu fumed trying to get out of the choke hold. "I'll kill him! I'll string him up by his fucking toenails and feed him to Bob!"  
  
Tatsu frowned and hauled him backwards.  
  
"Susumu, you are so fucking dead!" The only answer he got was sardonic snickering that faded from his hearing.  
  
Fyyrrose: Hmm, I got rid of mine :- I just had to find the base program and delete it. Hehe ;; Found it by accident, looking for something else entirely. I don't know. Apparently things that do what they're supposed to are in short supply. Early on? Day one baby. Suzu is too fun ;; YES! That was the funniest thing ever!!! I was just like O.O LMFAO. I'd LOVE to met Frued. You know that question, if you could have dinner with anyone living or dead who would it be? Yeah, there's your answer. Hehe, lover's spat? Maybe. Shin's in denial? Or is he just clueless? goes to play Bad Boys Oh, and I went to the BBQ. I'm not sure why they were surprised when I ate and left ?.? I said I had to study for finals... yeah, you see what I'm really doing. Actually, I'm looking at what kind of fish can go in my tank, burning stuff, and reading Getbackers. Ah, multitasking at it's finest. Finals are good excuses I'm finding out. Because everyone is so happy I've gotten "serious" about school. They don't know me very well. I think only Mom knows how "serious" I am.  
  
MissBehavin: Heisuke just cracks me up. I probably make him a bit over the top, but considering the last scanlation concerning Itou... Tetsu-meat makes face I'll pass on that. Who knows what he puts into his system. Susumu has a serious problem, yes. Mostly with Okita and Heisuke. Ooo, but I just needed someone who was pissy and bitchy! He'll get better... maybe. I loved Maro. That guy was... OO;; I thought he'd make a perfect janitor. I'm going to try to fit all the little side chars. in. Like the girls and such. I hope Tetsu's sort of IC. I've never done a naive 15-yr-old boy before XX Maybe I should pay attention when my brother visits (although he's a little more like Heisuke). 


	5. Chapter Four

Chapter Four: Random Day in September  
  
Tetsu stared down at the appalling creature of evil.  
  
It didn't help that all freshmen had to endure such indignity. It just meant they were all stuck in the same Hell.  
  
The hell of home economics.  
  
Sure, Shinpachi liked it well enough because he got to play around in the kitchen. The only reason he was around to witness misery incarnate was because he sometimes played aid to the teacher.  
  
Sano, on the other hand, apparently had trouble passing certain aspects of the class. Namely the robobaby unit. Something that was apparent from the first.  
  
The whole thing went something like this:  
  
"Sanosuke, before I have to hand you this poor child, you have to promise that you won't drown it in the toilet like you did last year or throw it off the roof like you did the year before. Babies are fragile." The teacher sighed reluctantly bringing the last baby, looking a bit worse for wear, and holding it out.  
  
Sanosuke's big paw swung out grabbing hold. He held it up by a foot, looked it up and down, then grunted, "I hope you gave me a good one this year. That last one was broken; all it did was scream.  
  
"...You know that you're suppose to feed and nurture you baby?" The teacher ventured fearfully.  
  
"What? Babies don't eat stir fry and frozen pizzas?" Sano asked quizzically, as if the thought that someone couldn't eat such delights was too hard for him.  
  
There was a long silence before the teacher sighed and remarked, "Just bring it back in one piece."  
  
"Sure thing." Sano said smashing the baby's head on the corner of the desk as he lumbered out of the room.  
  
...Yeah, that would be a good sign that Sanosuke Harada should never be allow to hold a real child, let alone have one.  
  
Tetsu juggled the baby ineptly and swore irritably. Who wanted kids anyway?  
  
"Shut up you stupid piece of shit." He snarled at the plastic baby, but resisted the urge to shake the circuits out of it. He didn't want to be like Sano. He could and would put up with the little shit. He would pass the class and never look back. This was as bad as sexual education.  
  
"Now now Tetsu, that's no way to treat your little girl." Okita chided, taking the squalling beast and rocking it gentle. Damn it, how'd he make it shut up so quickly? "See? All you need is a little gentle rocking and presto. Real babies are much harder. My little sister was quite noisy and fussy."  
  
"So what'd you name it?" Shinpachi asked lounging half in and half out of his chair.  
  
"Samantha." Tetsu muttered and flushed.  
  
"How mundane." Heisuke complained. "I guess that's okay since it's a girl. I named mine Sigmund."  
  
"What's the baby of the year this time Sano?"   
  
"Veal."  
  
"That's a weird ass name." Tetsu commented trying to shove the bottle in Samantha's mouth.   
  
"It is? Well, last year it was Custard. I name it after what I get to eat after class. Makes everything nice and simple."  
  
Suzu wandered into the dorm and stared around irritably. He walked past the seniors and flopped down on his bed.  
  
"There is a common room for socializing." He pointed out reaching for something off his meticulously maintained shelving. His fingers curled around something black, furry, and ragged looking.  
  
"Is there?" Heisuke asked innocently then dropped his voice into a seductive whisper, "But this is so much more private."  
  
"There is something wrong with you."  
  
"More than one thing." Heisuke agreed. "But Okita has more problems than I do."  
  
Okita smiled and rolled his expressive eyes in an exaggerated fashion, "Do I now?"  
  
"It's a fact."  
  
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with Okita." Tetsu bristled.  
  
Heisuke blinked then grinned, "Well so there isn't."  
  
"You flatter me! A guy could get spoilt with such treatment." Okita protested with a light laugh and Shinpachi quipped, "Too late for that. You should be the school's mascot."  
  
Sano wasn't particularly paying attention to the conversation. He was eyeing Suzu curiously instead. After a moment of indecision, he decided to voice his question.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"My sewing project for Home Economics." Suzu grumbled trying to thread a needle.  
  
"He's a lucky boy. Yoshida said a baby would interfere with his helping abilities," Heisuke snickered and Suzu flamed slightly, "So he gets to play seamstress instead."  
  
"At least I do not have to carry around a screaming child." Suzu said as he accidentally jabbed his thumb. "Stupid needle."  
  
Sano pressed, "But what is it?"  
  
"A cat."  
  
"Re-ally." Tetsu snickered, "You throw it out in front the campus golf cart? Let's name it Roadkill."  
  
Suzu paused and stared, "Let us not and say you drop this whole conversation." His jaw worked, "I do not think the teacher is going to go, how clever! Suzu named his project 'Roadkill.' No, she'd go, that boy needs some self-esteem issues addressed by a psychiatrist."  
  
"Hey, speaking of. I have a project for psychology and I need some vic- subjects to get my results. Since you guys are all sitting here with nothing better to do...!" Heisuke said enthusiastically and started rooting through his bag.  
  
"Uh, Bob and everyone needs to be fed." Sano said and rationed, "I should do it while you're not in the room since it bothers you so much."  
  
Heisuke fixed him with a hard stare, but nodded.  
  
"I promised Hijikata that I would finish that report." Okita nodded, "He will be very upset if I don't get it done. We wouldn't want that, now would we?"  
  
Another hard stare.  
  
Shinpachi shifted nervously then sat back down balefully, "Damn, I don't have a good excuse."  
  
Suzu ignored the proceedings until an inkblot was shoved in his face.  
  
"Please look at this then answer my questions."  
  
Suzu glared.  
  
"What do you see in this inkblot?"  
  
"Murder."  
  
"Really. And does this sexually arouse you?"  
  
"It's an inkblot."  
  
"Does it?"  
  
"No."  
  
"See? Painless."  
  
He jotted down something on a spiral notebook and proceeded to pull out more cards. After he went through all four boys he gave a solemn look and thanked them. Tetsu didn't think it had been that bad actually. The questions were actually pretty objective, and for Heisuke squeaky clean. Apparently when he was playing psychologist personal devilment was set aside.  
  
"So what does all that mean?"  
  
"I have no clue as of yet. This is only high school after all. I have a few guesses, but they're not meant for the general public's eyes."  
  
"Heisuke!" Shinpachi yelped earning a level look.  
  
"Not those sorts of guesses. Those go down in my journal. These are professional observations." Heisuke replied patiently.  
  
"Sorry, it's just..." The short senior started and Heisuke waved him off.  
  
"It's nothing I don't deserve." Sly look, "That's not going to stop my behavior though."  
  
Shinpachi rolled his eyes and grinned, "How fun would that be?"  
  
"Ah ha! So you do like it!" Heisuke shrieked triumphantly and jumped the smaller boy. Shinpachi yelled and tried to wiggle out. Heisuke moved with him, "I know you're ticklish."  
  
"Dog pile!" Sano shouted and threw himself on the two boys earning some startled yelps and laughs.  
  
Tetsu hesitated for only an instant. This wasn't the sort of thing Tatsu was into, but it was something Tetsu had imagined all brothers, all normal, non-paranoid brothers, did. He landed on top of Sano trying to squiggle down while he avoided thrashing limbs and mouthfuls of hair.  
  
"You guys are making a mess." Suzu shouted disapprovingly, moving his sewing project out of the way.  
  
Tetsu shrugged and grinned, "Join us. Stop being so damn stuffy and anti-social!"  
  
"Yeah." Shinpachi chimed in. His face was bright red from laughing and he was shoving Heisuke away with the palm of his hand while trying to untangle from Sano.  
  
Suzu put his stuff up and glanced at the clock. He turned back to them with a frown, "I hardly know you people."  
  
"We met a month ago." Tetsu pointed out lashing out at Sano, who was trying to fling him into a wall. "That's a long time."  
  
"Maybe for you, but I need more time and space than that." Suzu replied gingerly stepping past them, "Do not forget, you have gym in ten minutes."  
  
Tetsu stopped struggling then started to unwind from the mass of limbs.  
  
Oh shit.  
  
He would have to speed dress into his gym clothes and run like he was being chased by Hijikata, although, admittedly, it was hard to picture the man running, just to be tardy. Oh well. All it meant was he would get another point off his daily dressing out tally. That caused a shudder. He didn't want to fail gym too…  
  
Luckily, Okita took Samantha when he left. The cheery senior was a great help when it came to the plastic whiner. He loved to 'baby sit,' and Tetsu was more than content to let him.  
  
"Going already Puppy?" Heisuke asked in disappointment rolling on his stomach and looking up. He said considering, "You don't bark so much as you used to."  
  
"Umm…" Tetsu replied. He wasn't sure what to say to that. It was true he wasn't the easiest person to get along with. He had a quick temper. A temper that was set off when he felt offended… or scared… or confused… or frustrated. It was his reaction to stress. Of course, that temper usually led to a fight, as it had done with Susumu.   
  
Sano shoved Heisuke as he got to his feet and gave a wide, toothy grin, "That's because we're so lovable."  
  
"Oh please." Shinpachi snorted, "Don't let Heisuke rub off on you too. Sarcasm doesn't suit you very well Sano."  
  
"Who was being sarcastic?" Sano shrugged, "You gotta admit, this school is something else. I wish the people at work were so fun. I'll miss it I guess." He glanced at Veal, which was innocently sleeping on the corner of Tetsu's bed, "Some of it. The people."  
  
Heisuke shrugged, "It's not like we're all going to die when it's over, or drop off the face of the planet. We'll keep in touch!"  
  
"Sure." Sano replied uneasily.  
  
"We will." Heisuke insisted and turned to Shinpachi for support. The carrot top glance away unhappily and mumbled, "I don't know. You want to go to Stanford and Sano will be staying here."  
  
"What about you?" Tetsu asked.  
  
Heisuke gave a false grin and said nonchalantly, "He's studying abroad. You know, out of the country. I assume they have computers in Germany?"  
  
"Italy. Yeah, we can do e-mail I guess."  
  
"See? Don't be such a downer. No way the Comedian Trio will be broken so easily! Not after four years of the looming threat of teacherism trying to break us up and failing!"  
  
"Yeah!" Sano seconded.  
  
Tetsu rolled his eyes. This was touching, and as much as he wanted to see another make up session, he had class to attend. Yoshida seemed to really have it out for him too. Now he was really late. Oh, this would be great fun.  
  
One would think that Tetsu would love gym. It had all the activities he liked to do. Contact sports, running, climbing, basketball, etc. Volleyball, well, it could be worse. His favorite sport was baseball personally.  
  
P.E.  
  
A trip into what boot camp might be like in Tetsu's opinion. Not that he would know. The school wanted to put him in it, but Tatsu's response was a firm never.  
  
"Ichimura, you are late. Again." Yoshida remarked crisply, giving the evil eye.  
  
The rest of the class stood in silent, unmoving lines watching him from the corner of their eyes.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Incorrect response."  
  
"Yes sir! I was late sir. I request punishment for my infraction sir!"  
  
He didn't like that smile. That smile was so very wrong.  
  
"Today I thought we might take a little break."  
  
That sounded wrong too.  
  
"Today we will be running out in the country."  
  
Tetsu's eyes darted towards Suzu. His roommate had no expression. Not a good sign.  
  
"So form up." There was a hesitant shuffle as they did so. "Move out."  
  
The jog started out innocently enough. They made their way out of the security gates and onto the street. The air was cool to the skin bared by the gym uniform, but not too much so. It was a rather cloudy day, so there was no sun beating down on them. The pavement was dry and because it was the middle of the week in the middle of the day there was practically no traffic.  
  
That's how it started.  
  
"Ichimura! Pick up your pace."  
  
Tetsu jumped forward barely avoiding doing a faceplant in the muddy field. His shoes were soaked and the color of mud. Every step went up to his ankles pulling at him and throwing him off balance. The occasional rock made a nice difference. Gnats, didn't the little shits die off in the fall, got in his face making it hard to breath without gaining a bit of extra protein.  
  
"Mile five." Suzu pronounced. He was steadily trotting along like Toto heeling Dorothy. It made Tetsu want to punch him.   
  
He didn't understand why his roommate was so attached and dedicated. Yoshida seemed like bigger jerk than Hijikata. Not by that much, but still! Grr.  
  
"How can you stand him?" Tetsu seethed.  
  
Suzu dropped back slightly and scowled.   
  
"He's such a jerk."  
  
"What gives you the right to talk like that? Maybe if you weren't always such an unruly brat he wouldn't have to punish you. Maybe if Hijikata did a better job Yoshida wouldn't have to be so hard on you. You're a loud, obnoxious, selfish kid!" Suzu shouted earning a few looks from fellow students, but no reaction from their teacher.  
  
Tetsu stumbled again and shot back, "Are you saying that your demon is punishing me because my demon isn't?"  
  
"Yes! As ridiculous as you just made that sound!"  
  
"Pah, the whole thing is stupid. Hijikata works me like a fucking dog! Fetch this, do that. Ichimura, do it again! You did it wrong!"  
  
Suzu snorted, "It is obviously not working particularly well. Perhaps you are just stupid?"  
  
Bingo. Those were fighting words.  
  
The pair went down flailing madly. Tetsu was under the impression that while the white haired boy was good at kendo he probably wouldn't know street fighting. A few well-placed punches in the gut changed that misnomer rather quickly. Not that he didn't give it back and then some.  
  
Somehow he had gotten the upper hand.   
  
"You," Head smashed in mud, "Take," Up "That," Down "Back!" Yank.  
  
Suzu wasn't particularly happy with his face being ground into what was probably a cow pie before it rained. He twisted around like an eel and suddenly the tables were turned.   
  
"Halt." The voice was low, full of disapproval.  
  
Suzu practically fell over himself to get off Tetsu. He was nursing a busted lip and what looked like the beginning of a shiner. It was hard to tell with the mud.  
  
"He started it." Tetsu accused, "No one calls me stupid."  
  
Suzu didn't say anything, just looking down at the ground.  
  
"Silence insolent child. It is not a question of who started it or finished it. Fighting is forbidden in the school's code of conduct. That is what matters." Yoshida said harshly. He dragged both boys up by an arm a piece. "Suzu, report to Hijikata's for your punishment." His piercing gaze bore through Tetsu, "You will direct yourself to Yamanami, so as not to gain any favoritism."  
  
"Favoritism my ass." Tetsu snarled as he stalked off stiffly. He hadn't been in a fight since last June. His muscles, while starting to be toned by practice with Okita, were out of shape and ached vaguely. He glared at the other muddy boy, "You're an asshole."  
  
Suzu stared back flatly, "You are hardly my favorite person at the moment."  
  
"Well good. I'm never going to talk to you again." Tetsu threatened.  
  
Suzu made a dismissive noise, "I hope you have a pad and paper ready. Not that I can read your handwriting in any case. We are roommates. We have to at least use basic communication."  
  
"I should torch Roadkill."  
  
"Be my guest. Then you can explain that to the police. Arson is punishable by law." Suzu invited smugly.  
  
Tetsu touched his cheekbone and winced. That bastard.  
  
Suddenly the perfect plan popped up.  
  
There was one person Suzu really couldn't stand. And the person happened to be in need of a math tutor. Suzu was taking senior math at the moment. The kid thought he was so smart. All it would take was one little signature…  
  
This was a new level of deviousness for the freshman.   
  
They parted ways to their respective destinations and Tetsu made sure to take the scenic route. It was the route that took him past the clipboard outside the math center. One quick little scribble and his revenge was complete. And that was for calling him stupid!  
  
Fidgeting nervously, he made himself sit. This was Sannan, right? How scary could the man actually be? He actually came off as kind of prissy. Or at least that's how Tetsu remembered him. The harmless sort of guy who gave out lollypops to nervous kids.  
  
"Tetsu?"  
  
He jumped up and walked in.  
  
The office was a mild mess of papers and pens. Haphazard stacks lay everywhere on the desk and floor while the trash can was overflowing slightly. A blue fish swam lazily in the small bowl on the corner of the desk. A small plant with purple flowers graced the other far corner. A small, framed picture with a pretty blue-eyed lady and Sannan sat safely between the beta and the violet.  
  
"You were fighting." Sannan frowned. "That's not a well tolerated action I'm afraid."  
  
Tetsu started down at his bruised knuckled and muttered, "He started it."  
  
"Did he throw the first punch?"  
  
"Well…" Tetsu didn't remember. Did he? "I don't know. But I would have won. That's the important part."  
  
"You know this could get you suspended from the kendo team." Sannan remarked evenly sliding his glasses up his nose, "Which would be quite the pity."  
  
"No." Tetsu moaned. He couldn't! Not after all the time Okita took to teach him and how good he was getting at it! He could even hold his own with Heisuke now. He was ready to accept that he would be kicked out of school, suspended, but he had completely forgotten about the kendo team.  
  
"Yes." Sannan corrected primly and furrowed his brow, "It is, in fact, standard procedure to ban the offender from any and all after school activities."  
  
"But—."  
  
"I know you didn't mean to start a fight. You're an intelligent young man, and you seem very personable. I know Souji is acting as a sort of guardian to you. He was quite the young man. In fact, he made you look like an innocent angel. I think everyone deserves a second chance."  
  
"So I'm free?" Tetsu asked then whooped, "Thank you!"  
  
Sannan sighed and pushed the glasses up again, "No, you're not quite free. It is not that easy or simple. You still must have a punishment for your misdeed."  
  
"Shit." There was a silent, raised eyebrow and Tetsu amended hastily, "It makes sense I guess. To be fair and all."   
  
"Yo!" A brawny man burst in without knocking and grinned. "Heh, you still got that spot open for the sub in shop?"  
  
"Why Ryouma… what a surprise. I thought you were banned from teaching here due to those complications with Souji."  
  
The tanned man waved his hand and shrugged, "You have to be crazy in that head to work here. I guess you're short some crazies because here I am!"  
  
"And Hijikata knows this."  
  
"Abso-frickin'-lutely." He replied giving another broad grin, "And Oki will be so pleased to see me back. I see he's in my last class along with Nagakura and Harada."  
  
Tetsu stared. What did the man do to have problems with Okita? The senior was so laid back and friendly. Tetsu had never seen him be testy or snappish. Even when he was serious he was never really angry or riled. It was more a cold emotion for him. Something that came and went, but never really touched him, only those around him.  
  
"You know your way around. Nothing has changed over the summer." Sannan replied easily with a small smile, "I'm sure Souji will have forgiven you."  
  
Ryouma shook his dreadlocks and chuckled, "I doubt it. He greets me the same way, eh, pardner?"  
  
Tetsu couldn't help staring. The man was a freak. The only one more freakish was that janitor guy, who Tetsu avoided like the plague. He had to be as crazy as he claimed.  
  
"Tetsu, you will help Ryouma with his last class of the day." Sannan commanded.  
  
Whew, easy. Thank God Suzu got sent to Hijikata instead of him!  
  
"Yes sir!" Tetsu yelped. Being with a crazy teacher was a small price to pay for staying on the team.  
  
So he kept telling himself the next day anyway.  
  
"Hold it steady!" Sano urged, directing the flames closer. Tetsu hissed, but didn't jerk his fingers back. The last thing he needed was a bar of half-melt metal to puncture his foot.  
  
"That's a bit close." He complained and Shinpachi looked up from where he was working with a table saw. The safety goggles were askew and his red hair was waving wildly in every direction. He snorted and rolled his eyes at the freshman, "Don't be a baby. Sano knows what he's doing. He's practically a genius when it comes to making things with his hands."  
  
"Sure I am." Sano rumbled in agreement bring the flames even closer. "I just learned how to use this yesterday, but it's nothing a little practice wouldn't fix."  
  
Tetsu yelped and jerked away. No fucking way he was going to offer up his fingers. Sano could use a clamp; that's what they were for!  
  
Ten minutes later proved much safer. How much trouble could you get in with hot glue guns and wooden rods?  
  
"Dang it." Sano said mildly staring at his big fingers. With a big heave he ripped off a chunk of the tabletop, leaving a splintered mess behind.   
  
Shinpachi eyed him doubtfully, "How are you going to feed your face now?"  
  
"Like always." Sano explained solidly, "With my mouth of course."  
  
"Then you'll be the puppy." Okita tittered. He was safely away from anything hot or sharp or dangerous. His usual ponytail was absent, as per regulations, and the long hair was tucked up on his head. He looked odd, different.  
  
"Why? My fish eat with their mouths. Does that make them dogs too?"  
  
Shinpachi's head met wood with a loud thump. Unfortunately, Sano had been rather messy about his hot glue. Not only did he glue his fingers down, but apparently Shinpachi's forehead as well.  
  
Tetsu started at the short senior while Okita giggled.  
  
Sano advanced with the short redhead looking slightly panicked. He squirmed and whined. When he realized he was stuck he truly started thrashing.  
  
"Sano, don't you DARE! Stay the hell away from me with that blowtorch!" The hapless boy demanded. "No, not the saw either. Just give me a second and I'll get free. I don't need help!" Rip. Tetsu winced. That had to hurt.  
  
Sano poked the patch of Shinpachi skin on the table and grunted.  
  
Shinpachi's fingers flew to his injured anatomy and he howled.   
  
"Well, now Heisuke can do what he's always wanted." Sano shrugged.  
  
Tetsu was almost afraid to ask.  
  
"No! I won't let him." Shinpachi wailed miserably, "He would make a terrible nurse. I don't trust him that much."  
  
"You better tell him that." Okita grinned, "Heisuke is quite stubborn."  
  
"Why would he want to be a girl?" Tetsu asked in confusion.  
  
Sano shook his big head and Shinpachi seethed, "Not all nurses are girls, and he just wants to play with me."  
  
"I don't get it."  
  
"Maybe we should show him?" Okita suggested mischievously.  
  
This time it was Shinpachi who looked rather dangerous with a rather pissed look, "Yes, you should, but I don't think Hijikata would appreciate you molesting his aid."  
  
Okita frowned then cocked his head in a bird-like fashion, "So you aren't oblivious!"  
  
Sano scoffed.  
  
"About what?" Shinpachi suddenly switched to an all-too-innocent mode of operation.  
  
Tetsu scowled. What in the world were they talking about?  
  
"Hey, are you guys talking in some foreign gibberish? I don't understand!" Tetsu growled in frustration. He tapped his foot impatiently. He wasn't too stupid; he knew they were talking about something important. He just didn't understand what.  
  
"Puppy hasn't gotten that far in sex ed obviously." Shinpachi snorted then his eyes widened in horror, "Oh no! No, I just sounded like Heisuke."  
  
Ryouma chose that moment to walk over.  
  
"How's it going little buddy?" He asked Tetsu. Then he turned towards the others, careful to keep the table between himself and Okita, "Everyone doing good on their bridges, eh?"  
  
Sano scratched his head, "So that's what we were supposed to be making?"  
  
"How could you forget?" Tetsu asked. He thought his short-term memory was bad.  
  
Sanosuke shrugged and pointed to the pile of things in the corner. A spear stood prominently front and center. "I was busy."  
  
"Yes, thank you for the crossbow!" Okita grinned and Shinpachi blanched. He stared accusing at Sano who shrugged and replied with a you're welcome.  
  
"The trebuchet is almost done too." Sano puffed up, "Now we just have to catch a freshmen."  
  
"Tricky." Shinpachi agreed rubbing his chin in thought. "They generally don't like being tossed over electric fences."  
  
"Puppy, do you want to fly?"  
  
"Uh, no." That was an automatic response.  
  
"What about his prissy roommate? The one Heisuke torments the heck out of." Shinpachi speculated wickedly.  
  
"I don't think Yoshida would appreciate that very much." Okita pointed out carelessly as he played with something that looked like putty. Looking at the mess on his hands he frowned and started wandering towards the sink on the other side of the room.  
  
Shinpachi stared after him, "Don't you sometimes want to know what's going on in that head of his?"  
  
Sano shook his big head slowly, "Not really."  
  
"Chicken. I bet it's enough to scare Heisuke."  
  
Tetsu frowned. Okita wasn't scary. What in the world were they talking about?   
  
Sano shrugged full body and remarked casually, "It's just a good thing Hijikata has influence over him." He shrugged again, "Okita has enough firepower to do some serious damage."  
  
"He'd never do anything like that!" Tetsu retorted defensively.  
  
Shinpachi glanced down, "Not to you. He's kind to his pets."  
  
"What—I am not a pet!"  
  
"Sure you're not. Just like Shinpachi's not Hei--." Before he could finish his sentence, the broad student was jumped. Shinpachi wrapped one arm around the bull neck to gain purchase and the other went around his mouth.  
  
"Mmph!" Sano shouted trying to dislodge him.  
  
"You need to shut—ew! Did you just lick my hand?" Nod, "Sick." Shinpachi withdrew his hand balefully and wiped it on his pants, "That's disgusting."  
  
Suzu stared at the door with dread. He had been disgraceful. Ten years of schooling and he had never gotten sent to the office. Shameful. It was all that brat's fault!  
  
He summoned up his courage and knocked. Surely Hijikata couldn't be as bad as everyone complained about. After all, they also said Yoshida was a cruel beast. Well, that was after the ten mile run and the obstacle course. Oh yes, the obstacle course. Suzu had never had to experience it, but Yoshida was particularly proud of it. He said it would, 'teach those insolent whelps.'  
  
"Come in."  
  
Well, he wasn't eaten yet, so why wouldn't he stop shaking? It didn't help that the man behind the desk looked disturbingly like his master. Great. Now he was going to feel really guilty.  
  
"Sir, I was sent down here by Yoshida for a fight." He said stiffly, ignoring the chair.   
  
"With whom?"  
  
"Tetsunosuke Ichimura sir."  
  
Hijikata made a sound that could be compared to a large, very upset pit bull. Suzu had plenty of experience with large, angry dogs, so he would know. Definitely. Luckily, it seemed to be in response to Tetsu's name.  
  
"You are on the kendo team."  
  
"Yes sir." Suzu had a sinking feeling that this wasn't going to be pleasant. He vaguely knew the punishments given out for fighting.  
  
There was a knock.  
  
Yamanami stuck his head in and blinked. A friendly smile broke across his face and he stepped in, ignoring Hijikata's death glare for trespassing without permission.  
  
"So you volunteered to help Heisuke with his math! That was very generous of you."  
  
Suzu suddenly knew what it felt like to turn to ice.  
  
"But… I…" Suzu stuttered. Apparently today was a day of firsts. "I did no… no such thing!"  
  
The man blinked and pulled out a sheet. "You're Suzu Kitamura?"  
  
"Yes, but that is not my handwriting." The freshman replied, perplexed. There was this thought in the back of his head that somehow, just somehow, this was all Tetsu's fault. Well, what was the worst that could happen? He'd just say no and…  
  
"That would be a fitting punishment." Hijikata spoke up in a deliberate tone, "Then our team would not suffer."  
  
Suzu wanted to whimper, what about him? He saw suffering, much suffering. He couldn't stand the older guy. Heisuke seemed to delight in making him uncomfortable, and that was without hitting on him! All the senior's talk about sex and Freud and those tones he uses… Suzu shivered. This was hell.  
  
"Sir, I will do anything else! Please do not do this to me." Suzu had to stop himself from falling to the floor and pleading with his face to the floor the way Tetsu's older brother had.  
  
Yamanami blinked and remarked, "Heisuke's a wonderful young man. He hadn't hurt you? I know sometimes there's hazing, but usually the Trio behaves themselves. They're harmless you know."  
  
Sano… harmless… yes. Big, yes, but rather short on the intelligence meter stick. Shinpachi… harmless… yes. A bit devious, sometimes sadistic, but with restraint. Heisuke… another shudder… this was hell.  
  
"Hurt, no, he has not… hurt me."  
  
Yamanami sighed good-natured, "Does his sexual preference bother you?"  
  
Suzu had two conflicting reactions: no, of course not and hell yes!  
  
All that came out was a squeak.  
  
"Oh dear. Hijikata, I don't think this is a good idea. Heisuke can find another tutor, it just might take awhile. I'll help him until then."  
  
Hijikata had 'that look.' It was eerily similar to 'that look' that Yoshida sometimes wore. It was never good when 'that look' was on a person of power's face.  
  
"He will tutor Heisuke until the end of the semester, or until Heisuke's grade is passing."  
  
Now there was some incentive to do some good teaching. Suzu nodded and bit the inside of his lip. If he had to force-feed the senior algebra so help him he would!   
  
"Yes sir."  
  
Yamanami looked between them and laid a friendly hand on Suzu's shoulder, "Heisuke has an open period right now. You should go talk to him. I can go with you if you'd like."  
  
"No. I will do it." Suzu said brushing off the hand somewhat angrily. Tetsu would pay. Suzu had tried to be nice. He said 'good morning' and 'keep your stuff off my side please,' but this was unacceptable.  
  
Heisuke was rather easy to find. When he wasn't stirring up trouble and tormenting the freshmen population he was in his dorm curled up with a psychology book. Which was how Suzu found him. Actually, he appeared to be dozing a little, with a bit of drool dribbling from the corner of his mouth. He almost looked harmless like that.  
  
"Hey!" Suzu shouted from the threshold. There was no response, not even a little twitch. Bravely he crept closer and repeated his request for the boy to wake up. Suzu decided that wasn't going to work. He would have to initiate some physical contact. Or he could run. He half-turned then steeled himself and brushed a hand across the boy's shoulder. That at least got a response, but not one Suzu was particularly ready for. Being dragged down onto the sleeper gave him a heart attack. The guy even attacked in his sleep!  
  
"Gah, let go of my you pervert!" Suzu yelped digging his fingers into the strong arm that held him down.  
  
Heisuke blinked owlishly and let go. He sat up and stretched giving a questioning look.  
  
Suzu glowered, "I have to tutor you in mathematics."  
  
"You didn't have to wake me up for that." Heisuke yawned, "I was having a great dream and now I don't remember it. How can I apply Freud's Theory of Dreaming if I don't remember the dream?"  
  
"No wonder you are flunking math." The freshman muttered rebelliously and rubbed his wrists.  
  
"Are you suggesting I have my head up my ass?"  
  
Suzu wanted to choke, but he managed to only glare. "Something like that."  
  
Heisuke popped his neck back and forth still looking blurry, "So what's so all-fired important about math? I know how to add, subtract, multiply, divide, and do percentages, quite well actually, in my head. What else is important enough to use in everyday life?"  
  
Suzu wanted to retort, that what was so important about psychology?   
  
"We need to work out a workable schedule."  
  
"What's in this for you?" He asked shrewdly, apparently he was waking up. Suzu liked him better when he was asleep… across the room. "You hate me, yet here you are in my dorm offering your services."  
  
"Please do not call my tutoring 'services,'" Suzu complained and backed up slightly. They would have to meet somewhere besides his dorm for these lessons. There was no way he was getting the home advantage. "I do not hate you."  
  
Heisuke flopped backwards and cocked a brow, "Sure you don't. That's why you run away whenever you see me, refuse to make eye contact, refuse to speak more than you have to, and generally avoid me on every occasion."  
  
"You…"  
  
"Make you uncomfortable." Heisuke finished smoothly, "I take psychology; I know."  
  
"Yes." Suzu admitted, "But we can work around that. I got in trouble and my get out of jail free is your passing grade."  
  
"I knew it. Get in a fight with Puppy?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Umm," He nodded, "I knew it would happen eventually."  
  
"Could we please stay on topic?"  
  
Heisuke shrugged, "It was a valid question. I want to know what I'm getting into."  
  
"What you're getting into?!"  
  
"Yes, I don't generally submit myself to the displeasure of being around someone who is homophobic." Heisuke accused. "It's very stressful."  
  
"True. I could see why." Suzu conceded slowly forcing himself to sit down across from the senior. He would do what Hijikata told him and he may not like it, but he would be nice and polite to his student. He was never going to be a teacher. "I can promise I will do my best to be unbiased, so long as you and I set some ground rules."  
  
"No sexual derived comments directed at you, no innuendos, no fun. Got it. We're going to do some algebra!"  
  
"Now now Oki. You really don't want to do this!"  
  
Okita continued his feral, demonic grin and advanced with the crowbar.  
  
"Uh-oh, I knew this was a bad idea." Shinpachi groaned, but made no move to stop the long-haired senior's stalk. It wasn't a good idea to get in the way of a hunting wolf. Sano looked up from his latest project then shrugged.  
  
Tetsu stood rooted. If he ran for the demon would he get there in time? His mind wrapped around the idea of a murdered sub-shop teacher quite well. Too well. And if Okita murdered him then he would go to jail because murder was bad. But then was Okita bad too? His head hurt, but now wasn't the time to spaz out.  
  
"Okita?" He tremored. If there was one thing he had learned with unparallel speed, that was that you didn't get in the senior's way when he was serious. "Umm, I don't think you should do that?"  
  
Okita ignored him.  
  
"Oki! I was jus' teasing you."  
  
Shinpachi had slipped out the door, to get Hijikata probably.  
  
"Bludgeoning is not the way I want to die. Think about what you're doing, okay pardner?" Ryouma tried to soothe with his hands upraised. There was a nervous grin on his face.  
  
"My actions have already been considered."  
  
Tetsu wasn't sure exactly what that meant, but it didn't sound like it was a good thing.   
  
"Okita stop? Please?" Tetsu was really confused, but it wasn't in the normal way. He didn't feel angry or pissed at all. He was more scared and lost. Damn insecurities! "Could you stop? You can't murder our shop teacher!"  
  
"He could." Sano interjected mildly pulling up his work to look at it.  
  
"Do something!" Tetsu demanded shrilly and Sano frowned deeply, "What do you want me to do? I've known him since we were little punks playing street hockey. There's no stopping him now. Only Hijikata can do it... probably. Don't worry, Ryouma survived… last time."  
  
"Thanks for nothing." Tetsu snapped and rushed over. Most of the other students had cleared the area, or left the room entirely.  
  
Ryouma had been backed into the door labeled 'Employees Only: Hazard.' He was still talking a mile a minute in a chipper, albeit slightly nervous, tone and grinning.  
  
Talking wasn't working even Tetsu could see that.  
  
The little Tatsu voice was screaming danger in his head, but he ignored it. He might actually pay attention to it if it ever gave good advice.  
  
Picking up the nearest object, which happened to be Veal, he charged forward intending to at least try to block Okita's strike. Okita wouldn't—okay, yes, he would hit him and had on numerous occasions before. It was like he was in another world when he got like this, and the persona that was left was harsh and uncaring.  
  
"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Tetsu bellowed, throwing the hapless robobaby in the way of the crowbar's swing. There was a loud crack as the little baby head went flying towards a very surprised Sano. The senior's skull made a similar crack and he crumpled. Veal's body, boosted by the sudden force, made a beeline for Ryouma, who luckily had the presence of mind to jump behind the door, and hopefully locked it.  
  
Okita automatically whirl on the spunky, reckless freshman, who was unfortunately rather weaponless.  
  
"Okita…? Hey, it's me!" He shouted and backpedaled furiously. Something bumped against his leg and he snatched up Sano's homemade spear. The long piece of sharpened wood was a foot taller than he was and it kept tripping him up, but he saved his collarbone.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I had to stop you! If you murdered him… if you did… then you would have to go away, to jail, then what would I do? You're my best friend!" Tetsu blabbered as he landed on his butt, "Can't you understand?"  
  
Those hard eyes never changed.  
  
Okay, so no, no understanding, which left him one last suicidal option.  
  
Tetsu wasn't sure why he did it or how he managed to get under Okita's hard, fast swung. He only found himself clinging for dear life around the senior's waist and bawling something incoherent. Which, of course, hampered Okita's assault, but apparently the senior's focus once again rested on the dreadlocked man.  
  
Where was Hijikata anyway?  
  
Okay, so no talking and no physical clinging. What else was there?   
  
Tetsu tried to put up some resistance, but Okita was dragging him along like he was nothing.  
  
What was it Saito was telling him? The elusive senior occasionally melted out of the shadows of isolation to hold short, erratic conversations. He seemed to find Tetsu more often than not. Now what was it?  
  
Oh yeah, pain. That pain was a good wake up call or something along those lines. Of course, Saito's words were far more scholarly-ish, but it was the idea that counted!  
  
"Tetsu?" Okita looked down mildly surprised.  
  
Tetsu stared at the tooth marks. It wasn't enough to bleed, but there would be a bruise there later. He let go and stumbled back, "Sorrysorrysorry! I didn't—well, I did, but I didn't mean to bite you that hard, honest! You were all evil and dark and scary, but I couldn't let you be taken away, so then I remembered what Saito said the other day. Sorry!"  
  
Okita poked the area and blinked, "Was I trying to kill Ryouma again?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Of course I know you didn't mean it Oki!" Ryouma reassured, still locked behind the metal door and showing no intention of coming out while Okita was standing there, sane or not.  
  
"Ah, but no one was hurt?" Okita asked anxiously, "You seem quite fine except for the shaking. I'm a dangerous person, huh."  
  
"It's okay." Tetsu muttered, "I don't mind."  
  
"You should." Hijikata growled as he stalked in. Shinpachi, Suzu, and Heisuke hovered outside of the door and Ayumu went over to the downed Sano. "Souji, I want to see you in my office."  
  
"Yes." Okita replied meekly and trotted out.  
  
"The rest of you are dismissed. Ryouma, come out of that room." Hijikata instructed.  
  
The substitute obeyed hesitantly.   
  
"C'mon Puppy. We can't do much more. Ayumu said Sano's okay. He's got such a thick skull anyway. Oh, but won't the teacher be unhappy? Veal is wrecked and for once it wasn't his fault!" Shinpachi jabbered dragging him out. He only paid half a mind. He had an inkling that the real reason he was placed to help in shop class wasn't just to help set up and clean up. He'd have to watch out for Sannan in the future.  
  
A/N: I forgot how freakin' long this chapter is. Crap, if I'm going to update so fast I better start writing a whole lot faster too! Credits/explanations: The robobaby idea was SL's (Maria Cline). The sewing project is based off my own unfortunate black cat in 7th grade. Inkblot was a test url fyyrrose gave me. Stanford is one of the best psychology colleges in the U.S. and Shin's going to Italy on a culinary scholarship.   
  
MissBehavin: Tetsu is just too fun! Okita and sugar deprivation is bound to happen sometime Hehe, as for Saito and halloween parties... I have plans for October. I actually fell asleep at the end of LoTR Return of the King. Watched it at Christmas with my family. When I wasn't sleeping I was making fun of it with my brother... mercilessly. Book was much better. Susumu has issues and you'll find out why eventually. Why is he running around in drag? Hehe. Nope, no spy work this time.  
  
Fyyrrose: Good, kill them all. You know that my free space is up past 30% and that I'm only downloading four things my computer is running a whole lot faster? Can't imagine why. Yes, Heisuke needs money, especially with the family situation at home. Gambling is bad. Yes, Nabiki, definately! If I dangle a slightly-used textbook with three workbooks and a computer cd in his face will he come? I can't use people because it's unethical (and Shinpachi wouldn't let me catch him XX). Sports are evil! People hated playing Bombarge with me. They couldn't hit me :)) Not my fault they suck even with two balls and the best throwers! That was in elementary school. I haven't run in two years. You know I'd choose my dog over even family. Would? Correction, have. Twice. I'd be making fun of the movie and the actors... and it wouldn't take that long. And no throwing junior mints! I could eat those. Throw gummy bears! Just cover them with spit first :)) I actually got that from a comic with a dog. Farside probably. Blah blah blah GINGER (what guy's really saying: Very bad dog Ginger!). Tetsu, get Susumu back? No. He can't even deal with Suzu properly! I don't know. I'll check next time if I remember. 


	6. Chapter Five

Chapter Five: A Saturday in October  
  
"So is this place any good?" Tetsu asked. It sounded fun and they had even convinced Saito and Susumu to come along. Well, maybe not convinced. Bribe the former and dragged the latter under Hijikata's orders. Apparently he wanted the guy to go away. After being "accidentally" elbowed for the third time Tetsu was beginning to see why. What was with the better-than-you attitude anyway? Jerk.  
  
"Hmm, are we still banned?" Shinpachi asked idly from the other side of Sano. "They were pretty mad last time about our "unruly" behavior. Pinching the manager's ass didn't help either Heisuke. You better hope he doesn't still work there."  
  
Heisuke gave a none-too-friendly grin, "I hope he does."  
  
Okita laughed and said confidently, "You are so bad! We'll play by the rules this time."  
  
"Sure." Sano agreed, "But if the racecars turn into bumper cars again I'm kicking ass. No prisoners man."  
  
"Maybe we should just play puttputt? They won't let us in the lazer tag area, thank you Sano, because of the damage. Well, actually, they probably won't let us inside at all. That leaves paintball and puttputt and the racecars."  
  
"I do not drive." Saito put in helpfully. "Or shoot."  
  
"That's okay, we'll stick you with Okita. He's a whiz at those sorts of things." Shinpachi remarked scooting away.  
  
"No puttputt." Shinpachi added firmly, "Do you remember last time Heisuke? I refuse to give you the chance to do that again."  
  
"It was a loving caress."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Paintball is fun!" Sano boomed grabbing poor Tetsu and Suzu and hauling them after him.  
  
"Dare we?" Susumu said dryly.  
  
Amazingly it seemed the fun park had hired new staff since that summer. They were let in without a fuss.  
  
"Will the stupidity never end?"  
  
"Nope, a sucker's born everyday." Heisuke said gleefully picking up a packet of forest green pellets. He fiddled with his gun playfully, aiming the scope and testing the weight.  
  
"I want red." Shinpachi snapped trying to pry the packet out of Sano's grasp. He was far from successful in the matter. "Come on Sano! You can have yellow."  
  
"No, red is Bob's favorite color."  
  
"Tsk tsk, you don't need pseudo-blood, really. It just shows what's lurking in your subconscious."  
  
"You promised." Suzu reminded Heisuke without looking up.  
  
Heisuke sighed dramatically, "This isn't school. Can't you just stop being a tight-ass?"  
  
Tetsu gave a coarse laugh in response, and Suzu narrowed his eyes snatching the packet of black from under the other freshman's grasp. He loaded his gun with proficiency and held it at the ready. Tetsu gulped, but he sure as hell wasn't going to back down! Not when his pride was on the line.  
  
"I wanted black!"   
  
"Too bad. You get pink." Suzu replied unimpressed.  
  
"No way, I refuse to shoot things that are the color of pretty flowers!"  
  
"Suck it up you little brat." Susumu snorted loading his light blue ones.  
  
"Look who's talking Sky-boy!" Tetsu yipped furiously until the gun was turned on him point-blank. "Eh-heh, blue is pretty?"  
  
"Hey hey boys. Play nice will you? We haven't even finished getting ready and you're going at it." Heisuke grinned loading his neon orange bebes. "Of course, you freshmeat get to be on the same team. I guess you'd need to watch out for friendly-fire more than anything else. The Trio will remain together. Okita will show Saito the ropes."  
  
"Hey, that's not fair! There's two teams of three and one team of two."   
  
Heisuke clapped politely, "And you continue your math lesson even in your free time!"  
  
"Don't worry about us." Okita chirped, making a stark contrast as he stood beside Saito. "I'm really good and Saito's a fast learner!"  
  
Saito nodded slowly.  
  
"Wait, rules!" Shinpachi said with a glare at Heisuke, "No groin shots. Some of us do want children at some point and time."  
  
"Spoil sport. Besides, who said I wanted you out of commission?"  
  
Shinpachi choked.  
  
"No hitting teammates." Suzu declared glancing over at his.  
  
"War is filled with betrayal, and you should see how long you can last without killing each other...besides you two will take care of each other without a fuss… giving us the victory."  
  
Okita made a cutesy face with an index finger in his mouth, "You make it sound so easy." A slow, smug smirk crossed his face, "Yet you forgot about me."  
  
Heisuke gave a slick smile, "You wouldn't hurt me, now would you Okita?"  
  
"I don't know. You did say it was war and that makes you the enemy." Okita continued to give the same sort of look.  
  
"Why make war when we can make love?" Heisuke shot back earning a dark glare from Shinpachi. Okita just laughed and tossed his hair, "Why not?"  
  
"Okita--!"   
  
"Quit bitching. Let's get this show on the road." Susumu snapped and slid out the door into the mock-wood setting.  
  
It was agreed that they would give a five minute period to plan with their groups before starting. Not that it would help the freshmen team much.  
  
"No way I'm doing what you say!" Tetsu snarled waving the barrel of his gun around with one hand demonstratively, "And you can't make me. Besides, what about Susumu? That bastard took off and who knows where he is now. For all we know he'll start sniping us!"  
  
"I would not. You are on my 'team'." Susumu's voice floated down from the trees. "Yet, that does not obligate me to watch your backs either."  
  
"Comforting." Suzu sighed, "We're really freshmeat. The Trio will eat us alive."  
  
"I would say Okita and Saito." Susumu contradicted snidely.  
  
"Heh, Saito doesn't even know how to hold a gun, let alone shoot it! Easy prey."  
  
A bullet whizzed by Tetsu's ear and a cheery voice called out, "Good shot Saito! We were supposed to warn them first however."  
  
"Apologies. I will allow them to regroup."  
  
"Yes! Then we can implement our plan." Okita giggled from somewhere to the left, "But shh! I think they can hear us."  
  
"You think?" Tetsu hissed in annoyance from his position on the ground.  
  
"They are baiting us." Suzu explained. He had crept forward, but unlike the rest of the players, he had a distinct disadvantage: his white, sparkling hair. It was like a 'shoot me' sign from Heaven.  
  
"Ready or not here we go!" Sano whooped.  
  
Tetsu scrambled trying to remember all the rules. He vaguely remembered about Shinpachi's insistence that the area below the waist was to be a forbidden zone. That of course left the head wide open.  
  
It started innocently enough. The rules were observed, the teams were established, and they played nice. Somewhere in there that all shifted.   
  
There was a muffled howl of pain and some explicit cursing. Tetsu followed the sound being careful not to give himself away. Apparently he was a fast learner with the appropriate stimulus.  
  
"Shinpattsan, that was incredible cruel." Heisuke whimpered on the ground, "Breaking your own rule."  
  
"Hey, I didn't do it on purpose. I was trying to get that bastard Susumu for you!"  
  
"Great job!" Heisuke retorted lifting his head accusingly, "And you can't say that was an accident. No one hits there on accident!"  
  
"Keep your voices down." Sano commanded. He was leaning against a particularly thick tree trunk. It still didn't cover all his bulk. This would be the perfect time to shoot and get rid of the Trio.  
  
Unfortunately someone also thought it would be the perfect time to take out nosy freshmen. There was a sharp sting as the bullet whizzed past his ear and embedded in the soft soil.   
  
Tetsu stared down at the gray marble-sized death. So much for easy prey.  
  
"I suggest moving. It makes you more difficult to hit." Saito advised.  
  
"You just want a challenge!" Okita chided from somewhere to the left. Not good, not good at all. He was surrounded. By two people!  
  
"True."  
  
Tetsu didn't wait. It seemed his brain worked at a speed he couldn't imagine in fighting situations. Violence and instinct seemed to be his calling because it certainly wasn't bookwork. He twisted to the side as two more shots were fired.  
  
"Damn brat! Get your ass out of the tree and fight like a real man!" Shinpachi howled from the clearing.   
  
"Take out your boyfriend did I?" Susumu's voice taunted and Tetsu decided that he wasn't going anywhere near that direction. Friendly-fire wasn't a death he wanted to die. At least Okita and Saito seemed to have been drawn away by all the shouting.   
  
He bumped into someone during his flight. Suzu nearly pulled the trigger in his face before relaxing.  
  
"Wow, you're jumpy."  
  
"You have not been hunted by Saito and Okita yet apparently." Suzu panted and looked around. He leaned over to catch his breath, "I think Heisuke's out, but we are in serious trouble. Saito seems to be a sharp shooter. Not to mention that he and Okita have a nasty habit of finding you where ever you hide."  
  
"We're in trouble."  
  
"We should forfeit."  
  
"What fucking planet are you from?" Tetsu hissed in anger, "Death first!"  
  
"That I can gladly arrange." Saito remarked from less than a meter away. His dark clothing made him hard to distinguish from the backdrop, but he was holding steady with his gun aimed at Suzu's chest.  
  
"He meant that figuratively." Suzu gulped dropping his weapon in surrender. Tetsu had other ideas.  
  
He lunged making a grab. Luck was with him because he snagged the muzzle and swung it away. Suzu took the time to grab his gun and join in as they tried to wrestle the paint ball gun away from Saito. That was just about as easy as catching a greased pig.  
  
"Unhand my partner please." Okita requested the suddenly jumped and whirled. Within one fluid motion he shot into the tree's branches and was rewarded with a sharp cry. "And then there were two."  
  
"You—you took out the Trio already?"   
  
Okita gave an innocent face and pointed to himself, "Me? No, I let Susumu do that. I was making sure he didn't do anything beyond that however. I must commend you; you have almost gotten Saito."  
  
"What do you mean almost!" Tetsu shouted turning to point at the captive that was no longer there, "Shit."  
  
Game Over.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere near the mini-golf." Shinpachi said firmly stopping outside the entrance.  
  
Heisuke grinned, "All this just because I compared you to Rickki the Raccoon on the second hole?"  
  
"No."  
  
Heisuke grinned even wider, "Of course not, how silly of me, it was the third hole. An honest mistake."  
  
"We can skip the third hole." Okita assured and Shinpachi turned red with anger, "It's not that damn plaster raccoon okay? I just don't like playing is all."  
  
"Sure." Heisuke leered, "Shincoon."  
  
"Fine. I'll go with you guys, but I'm not playing!" Shinpachi gave a squinty look before stalking towards the counter to get the balls.  
  
It went well enough for the first two holes. Suzu turned out to be fairly good, but it was Sano who really shone. He was doing everything perfectly, and enjoying Okita's mounting annoyance.  
  
The purple haired senior had apparently found something he wasn't an instant genius at and it pissed him off.  
  
Susumu and Tetsu had declined playing, but Saito had decided to try it saying it would be a new experience. What? Did the guy live in a closet? He didn't seem to have done anything fun with his life.  
  
"Aww, look, Rickki has a mate! Isn't that darling?" Heisuke sniggered hefting the female plaster raccoon.   
  
"I guess he's not the bitch in the relationship." Susumu commented.  
  
Heisuke tossed the female back down and grinned, "So when are the little ones expected? Unless of course, Rickki is really a closet gay who is seeing other men behind his wife's back and feels uncomfortable with her."  
  
Shinpachi stared between the plaster raccoon and Heisuke for an instant.  
  
"Wow, and I thought Okita could dish out damage." Tetsu remarked and moved out of the swing range.  
  
"Raccoon abuse!" Sano hollered, "Don't get us kicked out again Shinpachi! They didn't fixed poor Rickki just so you could kill him again!"  
  
"I," Smack, "Don't," Slam, "Care!" Bash, crack.  
  
"Heh, ouch!" Heisuke yelped and stumbled back, "I was kidding! But if you really want me so badly, I see that you like to play rough, then we can go to that shed over there. Unless you want to pervert Puppy and Kitty's little virgin minds."  
  
"Yes, save them from mind-rape." Susumu sneered, pouring gasoline on the fire.  
  
Sano decided to take matters into his own hands to prevent his game from being spoilt. He hefted the carrot top, snatching the abused plaster raccoon from his grasp.  
  
"Calm down would you? Why don't you go play in the arcade?" Sano suggested firmly. Puttputt was a serious matter to him. He dearly loved his friends, but this was a chance to get back for the losses suffered.  
  
Susumu grunted, "Come on Shorty. We can go play Mortal Kombat or whatever lame fighting game they have here. Then you can do something with your misdirected anger."  
  
Heisuke sat up and called plaintively after the pair, "Fine, be that way!"  
  
Suzu glanced down with a blank look, "I believe you were just turned down."  
  
Sano shrugged, "Let's play."  
  
Things went well until about the fourteenth hole. The one with the windmill.  
  
"It's fixed." Okita growled in frustration as his ball rolled back to his feet like an obedient dog. "Get in your home! You belong in a hole, what part of that don't you understand?"  
  
"I don't think it heard you." Sano remarked mellowly.  
  
Okita bent down and shouted, "What? It's not good enough for you? Go home!"  
  
"Move it." Sano said shoving his way into position. He squinted, hit the ball, and bellowed cheers at the rolling object. It went around the side knocking around off course then back again, "Do it do it do it!" Sano chanted as it over shot. Tetsu was about to point that out until the ball richoshaded off the back and straight into the hole. "Thank you ball."  
  
Suzu took his shot next and did it in three hits.  
  
Saito stepped up silently, did some weird stuff, and hit the ball. It rolled up the ramp easily, cleared the malicious windmill, ran straight through the inside, and out the back into the hole.  
  
He turned to Okita and remarked, deadpan, "It seems to be a matter of skill and luck."  
  
"That windmill has a personal grudge against me." Okita replied calmly hefting his club.   
  
"No Okita!" Sano bellowed, jumping the smaller senior. "You can't get out of losing by getting kicked out. Lose like a real man!"  
  
"Get. Off."  
  
Suzu sighed and stepped back while Saito turned to Tetsu, "Perhaps you and Okita should go find Susumu and Shinpachi while the three of us finish this game. Okita seems to be taking this… personally."  
  
"Shit, no punching man!" Sano yelped, "Just chill out okay? Don't be so touchy."  
  
"Here, Okita, gum?"  
  
Okita practically bowled Sano over to get a hold of the chewy substance.  
  
Heisuke nodded in satisfaction, "Low blood sugar is dangerous. You should be able to control it better Okita. Puppy, go feed the boy will you? We all want to live through bumper cars."  
  
"Heisuke, he's not a baby!" Tetsu protested and Okita smacked the gum, watching them.  
  
"You need to cut up his food into bite-sized pieces and feed it to him okay?" Heisuke continued.  
  
"Yeah, you can't put anything too big in his mouth or, he'll choke." Sano added and Heisuke was the one to choke, "Sano, you have no idea what you just said."  
  
Suzu rolled his eyes, "Heisuke, no one was thinking of it that way until you pointed it out."  
  
"Ah ha! So I'm not the only one. You guys think you're so "pure!""  
  
"Why don't you go with them, since you're not playing." Suzu suggested.  
  
Heisuke sniffed, "Maybe I'll just go rig the bumper cars so y'all lose instead."  
  
"Uh huh." Sano mumbled, sizing up his next shoot, "Sounds good to me."  
  
Heisuke stalked off while Tetsu and Okita went towards the food court.  
  
"So Tetsu, sorry to take you away from watching that thrilling game." Okita said chewing furiously.  
  
"I wasn't anything special." Tetsu remarked lazily and stretched, "Kinda boring actually."  
  
"Ah, so you enjoyed the paintball far more?" Okita asked pleasantly and ordered a huge ball of cotton candy that was the size of his head. He tore off some of the pink and handed it over. "I do believe Susumu is unhappy with me."  
  
"He'll live."  
  
Okita shoved a gob of the fluffy pink sugar in his mouth and looked thoughtful. Dutifully swallowing he nodded, "I suppose he will. Are you enjoying your year so far? No one's picking on you, are they? Besides Heisuke I mean. That's just his way of showing affection."  
  
"Really? He must really like Shinpachi a lot because he's always harassing him." Tetsu remarked, wondering what the point of these questions was.   
  
Of course it was okay. You know. School was school. Although he did enjoy the Trio's company when they weren't harassing him. Suzu could be a stick-up-the-butt sometimes, but he was generally a good guy when he could be convinced to live a little. Saito… well, he was kind of creepy, but he seemed nice, in a stoned sort of way. Hijikata and Yoshida were annoying, but to be fair, Tetsu probably annoyed them back. Scratch that. He did annoy them back. Purposefully on occasion. Okita was… well, Okita, eccentric and cheerful with a scary side from Hell. How many demons hiding under a petite figure and a sweet smile were there after all? Which brought him to Sannan. Yeah, that was everyone. Well, Susumu. He didn't count. Oh, and Ayunee.  
  
Okita tittered behind his hand, good humor restored with the boost of sugar to his system.  
  
"Are you sad about leaving?"   
  
Okita made a little noise of surprise and blinked, "Ah, maybe just a little. I'm not going anywhere special you know. Not like Shinpachi or Heisuke. I guess I'm just a little homeboy. I grew up here. I've known Hijikata and everyone since I was a little kid, you know? I won't really miss the school much."  
  
"Hmm, so what are you going to do then?" Tetsu pressed, suddenly curious.  
  
Okita shrugged brushing his bangs back, "What can't I do?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
Okita blinked and grinned, "Well, I can't have a baby."  
  
"You should. You're really good with kids." Tetsu blurted out and clamped his mouth shut. He really had to do something about that bad habit. Blurting whatever came to mind.  
  
"Ah, I think I'll leave it to a woman to have the baby. I could be a teacher though. Or work at a nursery. The local college has a pretty good course on childhood development."  
  
That sounded exceptionally appalling to Tetsu. Who really wanted to take care of snot-nosed little brats? All they did was squall and eat and poop. This time he kept his mouth shut.  
  
"It's not as boring as you're thinking Tetsu."   
  
"I didn't say that!"   
  
Okita ran a sticky finger across his face and jabbed at his nose. "You were thinking it. That's what is so nice about you. You don't hide what you're feeling."  
  
"Like you?" Ouch, that came out a bit harsh. Yet again his mouth landed him in some shit. What was that thing Tatsu kept telling him about… tacked? Tact. That was it. Something about being aware of other peoples' feelings and views and thinking before opening the mouth to speak. Nope, never going to happen.  
  
Okita frowned slightly.  
  
"No no! Just forget it." Tetsu begged, "I was just talking. I do that. I don't even think about it! Tatsu says it's a horrible habit and that I should keep my thoughts to myself and I didn't mean anything by it, honest!"  
  
"Don't apologize." Okita requested softly and drew his knees up to his chest with a faint smile. Tetsu awkwardly patted his knee, not knowing what to do to make it up to the senior. "Don't apologize because it's true. I do hide things, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to worry people or hurt them."  
  
"It's okay." Tetsu furrowed his brow and added, "We're not breakable or stupid. We know that shit happens. I like you happy and all, but real happy. At least when you're being scary I know that it's real. Shit, I don't think I'm saying this right at all."  
  
"No, you're doing quite well. It's very inspiring." Okita encouraged with a weak smile, his lavender eyes half closed. "Just so tired…"  
  
"Like you need a nap?"  
  
"Something along those lines. A really long nap." Okita replied with a wistful note in his voice. "That sounds good actually."  
  
"If you're tired…" Tetsu started to offer.   
  
Okita uncurled himself and gave the usual grin, "I bet they're done with their game. Let's go play on the bumper cars. I want #18! It's my special car. It's the only purple one in there."  
  
"Do they have green—wait, you just changed the subject! Okita!" Tetsu hopped off the bench they had been sitting on and trotted after the sugar-devouring senior.  
  
It was a short walk between where they were and the bumper car arena. Well, the park wasn't that big anyway. Most of the outside stuff was either mini-golf or paintball. The indoors, Tetsu guessed, was an arcade and the lazer tag set-up.  
  
Saito, Shinpachi, Suzu, Sano, and Susumu were waiting. It seemed they had managed to scare the few other people around into leaving. Two nervous teenagers were manning the controls. They kept shooting glances over at the six, especially Sano.  
  
It took a moment for them to get settled. It always seemed like Suzu wanted what Tetsu wanted. It was really annoying. Really, just because it was the only orange car! He won, with a little bit of uncalled for shoving and a cheap move. Hey, it was his car! Suzu got the paint bullets.  
  
Saito was getting obnoxious. Despite his lack of practice, or shit, even his lack of know-how, he was doing quite well for himself.  
  
Well, he was doing well until Shinpachi and Susumu decided to team up. In the absence, something Tetsu felt he should be worried about in that tiny corner of his brain, of Heisuke the little redhead seemed happy enough to leave Sano to his own devices. Namely smacking the hell out of Suzu and trying to ram Okita into the wall. And he had enough weight to make the cars skitter and skid away when he hit them.  
  
"Shit!" Tetsu yelped as Suzu smacked him from the side. No no no! First rule: stay away from the wall. Second rule: stay away from Okita on a sugar high. Even if it was just a quick fix. "Damn it, go hit someone else!"  
  
"I'll save you Tetsu!" Okita shouted gleefully. Tetsu wasn't sure if that was a good thing at the moment… the purple haired senior seemed a little overzealous.  
  
True to his word he barreled into the white haired freshman only to be hit from behind by Susumu. Before Okita could turn and retaliate the cynical brat was gone. Okay, that was definitely grounds to go kick his ass! Or at least in Tetsu's eyes.  
  
Apparently he wasn't the only one with that idea.  
  
"Dang boy, I bet you've never been banged like that before!" Heisuke cheered suddenly appearing on the sidelines. Susumu could only glare, being boxed in by the other five players.  
  
"Heisuke, where—." Shinpachi cut himself off and squinted with a pissed look to him, "Why is there a police officer standing next to you?"  
  
"This is my new friend Officer Goro. He's here to take me to the station for assault charges. It was assault wasn't it? I still maintain I'm innocent. He just tripped." Heisuke said amiably, like he got hauled in to the police station with cuffs every day or so.  
  
"You didn't." Shinpachi groaned slapping his forehead in exasperation, "Tell me you didn't go harass that poor manager."  
  
"Then I won't."  
  
"You." The officer, Goro was it, said point at Shinpachi. The short senior blinked, stupefied and pointed to himself. The officer glared, "You also need to come with me for the destruction of property."  
  
"I didn't—!" Shinpachi yipped in shock and flushed.  
  
Sano scratched his head, "There was the damage to Rickki."  
  
"That thing was ugly anyway. Who could begrudge me the release of smashing its head in?" Shinpachi muttered and got out of his car to troop over next to a very smug Heisuke.  
  
The officer stared at them when another man came running up. He pointed soundlessly to Susumu, who leapt up for a get-away. Or tried to. It might have worked better if Saito hadn't decided to move his car at that moment.  
  
Faceplants and running didn't work very well together.  
  
"You and you." The officer snapped, squinting at Okita and Saito, "I would like you to come with us as well for some drug testing."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Umm, officer?"  
  
"Yes kid."  
  
Suzu twitched at being called a kid, but continued respectfully, "Tetsu, Sano, and I cannot drive. You are taking our ride home."  
  
"Aw suck it up kiddo." The second cop drawled from where he had Susumu pinned. "Just call your daddy to pick you up."  
  
"I insist that you take us as well." Suzu persisted.  
  
The trip over was rather uncomfortable. Tetsu had wheedled his way into the car with Okita, Saito, and Sano, but the officer set him up front. What was he? A baby, an invalid. Sano should have sat up front. He was bigger. Besides, the bars had started to cut off the circulation to his head.  
  
Tetsu stared at the dreaded police station. Tatsu was forever telling him horror stories and suddenly they all came rushing back.  
  
A warm, reassuring hand was placed on his shoulder and Okita said in his ear softly, "Don't worry. You're an innocent by-stander. It's not so scary."  
  
"I'm not scared!"  
  
It took awhile for them to get settled in. Suzu, Tetsu, and Sano had to remain in the lobby, but they were soon joined by Saito and Okita, who were acquitted as clean and free to go.  
  
"I called Hijikata." Okita chirped playing with a plastic cup, "He'll call everyone else."  
  
"I bet he wasn't too happy." Sano observed.  
  
"Well, he kind of did have this long silence before he hung up." Okita giggled, "But it's nothing to worry about. He did that the last time I called too. I think Tetsu's presence really topped it off this time."  
  
"I didn't mean to piss him off again." Tetsu muttered, glaring down at his hands. It was true that he sometimes, okay most of the time, resented Hijikata, but he also respected him. Fear played a part too. Besides, the 5 lbs. of gummy bears moistened with spit and shot all around his office was not Tetsu's idea originally. He had to clean it up too. Damn, that was pure evil. When he was told that gummy bears stuck they really stuck!  
  
"He's just too stressed." Okita tried to downplay it, "He'll be okay. Especially when he realizes that all we need is a ride."  
  
"You did not tell him?" Suzu grunted in disapproval.  
  
"I didn't have time."   
  
They didn't have long to wait for the legal guardians to arrive. Luckily it wasn't Tatsu first. Tetsu wanted as many people gone as possible before Hurricane Tatsu blew in with his accusations and wailing.  
  
Ayumu came first. She looked sleepy, Tetsu remembered it was her day off, like she had just woken from a nap. There was an odd frown on her face. She went back in a different direction than where Okita and Saito had emerged. Tetsu still didn't know what Susumu had done.  
  
Suzu was unsurprisingly picked up by Yoshida. Hijikata and Sannan appeared at the same time. The two flipsides were both frowning this time.  
  
"Souji, I would like an explanation." Hijikata growled ominously, "You promised you would be good. That's the only reason I allowed you to go."  
  
"But I was good!" Okita protested innocently, "And so was Tetsu. See? We played nice, just like I promised."  
  
"Then why are you here?"  
  
"Susumu was arrested too. He has the keys." Sano grunted and jerked his thumb towards the back, "Shop lifting. Ayunee will have trouble again."  
  
"That—." Hijikata didn't get to finish his sentence before Sannan and Heisuke appeared back in the lobby.  
  
"But Sannan, we can't leave Shinpattsan! He's a snack. I won't go." Heisuke pleaded.  
  
"I told you. I would love to remove Nagakura from such a bad situation, but I simply do not have the money with me. I was hardly expecting to be called out like this."   
  
Okita blinked and turned to Hijikata.  
  
"No."  
  
"Hi-ji-ka-ta." Okita whimpered, giving puppy eyes, "Please? Please, for me. You'll be paid back. It'd be really, really nice of you! I'll really owe you one!"  
  
"That's what you said last time." Hijikata accused with a heavy, defeated sigh. His hand was already going for his wallet, "When are you planning to pay me back for all those 'I'll really owe you ones.' I would really like to know. It wouldn't hurt the boy to stay overnight."  
  
Okita gave a bright smile, "Thank you! As for the favors, just ask!"  
  
"So you can dance around and completely ignore my request?"  
  
Okita blinked and replied, "I wouldn't do that to you Hijikata." Tetsu noted the crossed fingers behind him back.  
  
"Perhaps just one of us should have come." Sannan suggested mildly, "It would have saved a bit of trouble, but I suppose it is too late now."  
  
Hijikata gave him a 'that's obvious' look.  
  
"TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"  
  
And the world was about to come crashing down. Again. Tatsu reminded Tetsu of that story about the little chicken that ran around thinking the sky was falling. Talk about mountains out of molehills. Dad always said that he would die young of a coronary. Whatever that was.  
  
"TetsuTetsuTetsu! Whywhywhy? WHY?" Tatsu moaned then pointed to Okita, "You! You led him astray. He was such a nice boy. A little wild, but sweet and generous." Okay, Tatsu must be off in alternate universe land because Tetsu had never been either of those things. "Now he's a hardened criminal. He's done time!"  
  
"Ah, Tatsu, he's okay. We're just waiting for rides." Okita reassured playfully. "Tetsu was perfect."  
  
Why exactly did that bit of praise make him feel all warm and fuzzy, while at the same time make him feel like he was a pet puppy being fought over?  
  
"I don't want to hear another word!" It never ceased to amaze Tetsu how Tatsu suddenly went schizoid. Nice brother, psycho brother. That's what happened when you were too sane for your own good. "Tetsu, I can't believe you… well, yes I can. Why? Do you want me to die?" Uh-oh. Now was the time to turn on the blah-filter. "Tesu, blah blah blah heart attack. Blah and blah blah all alone blah." Nice to know it was still in perfect working order.  
  
"Do you understand me?"  
  
"Huh, yeah, sure." Tetsu stuttered.  
  
Tatsu sighed, "You didn't hear a word I said. Repeat my last sentence."  
  
"Blah—er, I forgot?"  
  
Tatsu's dark eyes narrowed and his mouth pinched like a sour, old lady's. He stared down intently with that look, making Tetsu squirm.  
  
"Ichimura." Hijikata snapped causing both brothers to whip their heads around in response. "Elder Ichimura. The boy has no charges against him and has spent his time no where but here in the waiting room."  
  
"That's right." Tetsu nodded, receive a glare from Hijikata for his eager collaboration. Well it was his ass on the line. He could add his support if he wanted to.  
  
"Perhaps this could be discussed in a more private location." Sannan suggested, glancing over at a few curious officers. Great, an audience. Tetsu blinked, wondering what they were making of all this.  
  
"Tatsu, it's okay. You don't have to worry. I said I would watch him, didn't I? My word is as good as gold and a promise is sacred. Please don't worry." Okita added. Again with the sincerity. That confused Tetsu terribly. Okita was very light-hearted and gregarious at times, but he was rarely so sincere. Not even with Hijikata. It was almost like he was trying to impress Tatsu, but that was too funny to even think about.  
  
Okita was trying to impress Tatsu? The notion was harebrained even for Tetsu.   
  
A/N: I forgot to segment the last chapter. I keep forgetting that Word is an evil program that doesn't like showing my line breaks. I'll fix it later... if I ever find some time when I'm not dead tired (I should be asleep as it is right now).  
  
Dan: I'm so glad you're enjoying this! I must say, that even at 6:30 am, I was coherent enough to read and enjoy your lovely reviews! Made work a little more bearable. I hope this keeps up with your expectations. Hmm, as for Saito being addicted to soda... he never denigned anything else, did he? I was throughly convinced Okita was a girl for about the first six eppisodes! Even though I knew he was a guy before I even started watching it. Sorry to ruin your HijiOki, but I'll try to slip some more moments in there As for what's wrong with Susumu... in my opinion a lot... but it'll come up a bit later. LoTR was just too much fun (even though I actually fell asleep at the end of Return of the King). And if I had a choice between Tatsu and Tetsu as a brother I'd have to choose Tatsu.  
  
J: nothing to say, should be sleeping. Rob tried to pee on me once : Tetsu, fess up? No, but Suzu will find out eventually... remember the WoMD? They have to go into Sannan's office to get them... 


	7. Chapter Six

Chapter Six: Halloween  
  
Suzu steeled himself. He was going to win this time. He wasn't going to let Heisuke get the better of him. He had a plan.  
  
Of course, having a plan and going through with it were two entirely different things. Student and tutor had come to several minor agreements over the past two months and Suzu could almost even claim to understand Heisuke. Slightly. At least the senior wasn't a total mystery.  
  
"Good morning Kitty." Heisuke greeted from his spot at the table. Convincing the senior that they needed to meet in the commons was hard, but well worth the effort.   
  
"Good morning Heisuke."  
  
"You know, I just don't get this thing. Who cares about A, B, and Cs? Especially on a triangle." Heisuke shrugged, "They could at least pick a more interesting shape."  
  
"Then it wouldn't be the Pythagorean Theory, would it?" Suzu remarked dropping his books lightly on the table. The plan, remember the plan!  
  
"I don't know. There are just so many more interesting shapes out there." Heisuke rambled on. Here it came. "Like the number 3. According to Freud, when you dream the number 3 it's really a pen—"  
  
"Minus 5 respect points." Suzu blurted, cutting off the rest of that sentence.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"You heard me."  
  
"I did hear you. That doesn't mean what you said actually makes sense." Heisuke pointed out patiently. He wasn't the sharpest in the morning. A fact Suzu found out easily enough and dared to exploit.  
  
"Every time you say something crude or Freud-related you lose respect points." Suzu explained slowly, "Once you lose fifty points then I leave. I happen to know you have a test on chapter four coming up on Friday. I suggest you behave."  
  
"And if I don't?"  
  
"Minus two points. That is seven in three minutes. Since you can add well enough and do ratios maybe you can see how fast you are burning through points."  
  
"Hmm, why does this seem a tad unfair? After all, how do I know the point value of my remarks and comments? You playing God makes it hard to gauge. You're so touchy." Heisuke was taking this well. Too well. It made Suzu suspicious. When Yoshida had first suggested the respect-point system Suzu was more than a little skeptical. "Can I earn them back?"  
  
Earn them back?  
  
Suzu would have to think about that one. Then again, by doing problems correctly it meant he was learning. And if he was learning that meant he had a chance in hell of passing. And if he passed on the progress report Suzu would be rid of him a whole month and a half early!  
  
"If you can prove you can do problems correctly."  
  
"Sounds good to me. So, about fractions. Use an example I can understand. How about ten couples at a party."  
  
"How about not. One point."  
  
"Well, that's cruel! I was going to say something about male reproductive organs, but I don't think they'd make very good fractions. Don't you agree? Unless you want an eunuch."  
  
"Twenty respect points!"  
  
"Sensitive issue? Do you want me to check and see if all your parts are in working order?"  
  
"Another twenty!" Suzu roared earning some startled stares from the other students.  
  
Heisuke didn't look too worried. He stared down at his paper with concentration, but he couldn't just keep his cursed mouth shut.  
  
"So do you?"  
  
"One more." Suzu growled in warning. This wasn't working. Was there anything that could control the hormone-driven teenager? Stupid question, stupid thought. No wonder he was at an all-boys school. He probably drove his parents to suicide.  
  
Heisuke gave a heavy, mock sigh and held up a problem.  
  
"Nine squared is 81. Add that to 6 squared, which is 36. That makes C equal to 117. 117 is not a perfect square, therefore it is square root 117. Since my teacher doesn't require any more than that, there's your answer." Heisuke explained with a slight grin. "So, am I right?"  
  
"That is… correct."  
  
"How many points?"  
  
"Five."  
  
"Five? Just five teeny points?" Heisuke sighed, "Since I delight in your company I suppose I should just do as you ask and behave. Next problem?"  
  
Yes, he'd won!  
  
"Umm, so which way do you swing?"  
  
"Minus five!"  
  
Or not.  
  
This was going to be a long session.  
  
-- look, I remembered a divider! (Lord have mercy, look how cutesy it is --')  
  
"What are you doing with those?"  
  
Heisuke wasn't Tetsu's choice person to hang out with, but Okita was out and about somewhere. Usually it was fairly easy to track the purple haired senior down, but since he was probably out doing a dry run at trick-or-treating he could be anywhere within a ten mile radius.  
  
"Passing out these party invitation for Kondou. The guy has fantastic ideas sometimes. It's a murder mystery party. Probably to keep Okita off the street and Susumu out of the kegs." Heisuke said without looking up. "Last year was a disaster. Both of them ended up in jail over night."  
  
"What about you?"  
  
Heisuke blinked innocently, "Me? Why I was just adding another conquest to my reputation. Damn, he was a hot Dracula, although the fang marks were a little annoying the next day. He didn't have to bite so hard."  
  
"Why would he bite you?"  
  
"Just never you mind Puppy. I've been warned not to corrupt you too much." Heisuke said then grinned at the paper in his hand. He tucked it in his pocket, "That'll be for Shinpattsan."  
  
Tetsu fumed. Why did they think he was stupid?  
  
"Anyway, here's yours. You get to be the millionaire's son. Sweet role if you ask me." Heisuke said holding out an invitation. Tetsu snatched it suspiciously. Heisuke noticed and grinned, "Don't worry. That was your original role. Would you give this to Suzu? I think he's a little pissed at me still. From the math session this morning."  
  
"You flunk out or something?"  
  
"Something like that." Heisuke grinned again. He pulled out two more invitations, one from his back pocket, "Give these to your brother and Shinpachi, would you?"  
  
"Why can't you give it to Shinpachi. He's your friend." Tetsu asked accepting them.  
  
Heisuke tittered, "I think it'd be best for everyone if I'm not around when he gets it. Thanks!"  
  
Tetsu stared down at the invitation and shrugged. Well, he'd find out soon enough. Maybe he was stupid. If Heisuke wasn't willing to give it over then maybe it was something dangerous. Then again, how dangerous could Shinpachi actually be? He was usually so level. Besides, sometimes Heisuke was just flat out weird. It could just been another one of those times.  
  
Glancing at his own invitation he wondered what a millionaire's son would wear. Well, teenagers were still teenagers. Maybe he could raid Suzu's closet for some nice expensive clothing. The boy certainly had enough of them. Tetsu almost wondered where the money came from. Almost. That took too much effort.  
  
Tatsu was easy enough to find. He was practically glued to his office computer when he wasn't taking classes at the local college. Being a workaholic was going to kill him, Tetsu just knew it.  
  
"Hey Tatsu, got something for you!" Tetsu said jumping rambunctiously on his older brother.  
  
"Gah!" Tatsu screeched and they toppled backwards, "What Tetsu?"  
  
"We're going to a party tonight!" Tetsu announced gleefully. His brother needed more fun in his life. Heisuke said he needed to "get some," but Tetsu wasn't sure what that was. If he knew he'd help get Tatsu "some." Some of whatever. That's what brothers were for!  
  
Tatsu's eyes hardened, "What kind of party?"  
  
"Uh, a fun one?"  
  
"You're going with Okita."  
  
"Umm, he's invited too?" Why didn't Tatsu like Okita? Couldn't he see that the senior was Tetsu's best friend in the world? "If Heisuke can find him anyway."  
  
"And Heisuke."   
  
Uh-oh, it was one of "those" tones. Time to turn on that 'blurt at a million miles an hour and hope he gets confused' mode. "It's Kondou's party! We get to dress up and play roles and everything! And everyone's going to be there and it'll be tons of fun. I get to be the millionaire's son, which is cool, but I don't know what to wear. And Heisuke wanted me to give this invite to you and one to Shinpachi because he needed to find Saito and Okita and Susumu because the more that merrier. Don't you think so? But I bet there'll be dinner and everything. Don't forget candy and chocolate, which means Okita will be very happy. So it'll be a blast. Come? Pretty please? You need a break!"  
  
Tatsu inspected the invitation and nodded, "I suppose a distraction couldn't hurt…"  
  
"Yes yes yes!" Tetsu said, dancing, "Okay, now I have to find Shinpachi." Tetsu threw himself at Tatsu again as another heartfelt thank you. That elicted a groan of pain.  
  
"Go." Tatsu said with a smile. "I'll be there, okay?"  
  
It was times like these that Tetsu thought Tatsu was the best big brother in the world. He knew his older brother hated parties, hated Heisuke, hated Okita, and hated playing silly games.   
  
Tetsu threw one last happy look over his shoulder before bolting out to find Shinpachi.  
  
The short senior wasn't too hard to find. Everyone one of the Trio had a strong instinct to return home aka their dorm. Like ducks or something.  
  
"Shinpachi?" Tetsu asked pounding on the open door. Going in without an invitation had turned out rather badly before. Tetsu wasn't particularly fond of swimming. Good thing Sano wasn't around. "Hey, can I come in?"  
  
Shinpachi removed his headphones, "Sure, what's up? Are you going trick-or-treating with Okita tonight or are you going to play with the big boys and teepee."  
  
"Peepee?"  
  
Shinpachi lightly slapped his head and got up, "We're going to toilet paper some teachers' houses and egg some cars."  
  
That sounded like fun. More fun than a party even. But who's car were they going to use?  
  
"Susumu can shove us in his van."  
  
Ah.  
  
"We're definitely doing Masuya big time."  
  
"Okay, Heisuke said to give this to you." Tetsu said. Hopefully they'd have time to do that after the party.  
  
Shinpachi opened it and turned bright red.  
  
He promptly tore it in half.  
  
"Something wrong? What'd it say?" Tetsu asked curiously wondering how it was possible that the senior's face was darker than his hair.  
  
"Never."  
  
"Never what?"  
  
"Where am I supposed to find a costume like that on such short notice?" Shinpachi ground out, "Not that I'd wear it anyway. That sick little bastard! He messed with the invitations I bet."  
  
"But your name's right there." Tetsu pointed out.  
  
Shinpachi flipped it over and glowered, "That's Kondou's handwriting. I had to forge it a few times freshman year."  
  
Heisuke and Sano walked in at that moment.   
  
Heisuke paused like a terrified fawn and gave a slight smile.  
  
"Hey Shinpattsan."  
  
Shinpachi's eyes narrowed.  
  
"You like your part in the mystery? I went out and got you a costume."  
  
"How nice of you to deliver this in person."  
  
Heisuke took a step back and rubbed the back of his head, "I was busy?"  
  
"I'm sure you were." Shinpachi nodded understandingly before tearing across the room and throwing himself at the other senior's throat. "You had something to do with this, I know it!"  
  
Heisuke screamed convincingly and scrambled backwards with a grin. "Rape!"  
  
Shinpachi fell over himself to detangle from his victim and sat panting on the ground.  
  
"Aw, you don't want me? I promise to be willing."  
  
"Nasty."  
  
"Fun." Heisuke nodded massaging his throat, "And I had nothing to do with it. Sannan, Kondou, and Hijikata were planning it. Hijikata didn't want Ayumu to play the French maid, so someone had to be it. Blame him if you want."  
  
Sano helpfully held out the costume. He was decked out in a fake cop outfit. Tetsu hoped the gun was fake too.  
  
"That stupid jerk. He's such a bastard. Why'd he pick me?" Shinpachi fumed, "I should tell him that! I should. I should tell him what a heartless demon bastard he is and—he's standing in the doorway by the look on your faces."  
  
Heisuke winked from on the floor and said smoothly, "Of course not. Itou went out of town for the weekend, don't you remember? It's just Hijikata and Ayumu and Susumu."  
  
"Yep." Sano agreed.  
  
"But I thought—." Before Tetsu could finish that sentence he was dumped in Bob's tank.  
  
"Oops," Heisuke said looking annoyed, "Puppy, now's not the time to learn to dog paddle. You should get ready for the party."  
  
Sano hauled him out and deposited him on the floor. He bent down and muttered, "You scared my fish."  
  
"It's not like I jumped in there for a bath! I was pushed!"  
  
"Such a silly Puppy." Heisuke said dismissively, "Go get dressed."  
  
Tetsu sulkily picked himself off the floor and stomped back to his room. Walking in he was rather surprised to see Suzu hogtied on the floor with a gag in his mouth. He tried to say something, but Tetsu was too busy raiding his closet to pay attention.  
  
"Mmphf!"  
  
"Whatever." Tetsu growled, "You think a millionaire's son would wear this? Make noise if you say yes."  
  
"UMMF!"  
  
"I thought so too. Oh well." Tetsu said tossing the offending item to the side. It landed in a crumpled heap. Several more items followed until there was a sizable pile waiting to be kicked under the bed. Finally he found something that would work.  
  
"So, when are they coming to get you?" Tetsu asked sitting down, still annoyed that Heisuke would dump him in with Sano's fish.  
  
"Ah! Good, you didn't untie our guest!" Heisuke said coming in. He was dressed in a nice business suit with his hair slicked back and out of its normal messy ponytail-type-thing. Whatever it was called.  
  
Shinpachi was peeking around the corner with a pissy look. They had teased his wild red hair into a suitable bun and applied light make up.  
  
"We ready?" Heisuke said. "You know, I could be having an affair with the maid. Happens all the time. We could be in it together for the money."  
  
"That's what I'd do if I were a maid." Shinpachi retorted sullenly.  
  
Heisuke walked over suavely and ran a finger lightly across the other boy's cheek, "Darling, I could give you the world."  
  
"Quit messing around!" Shinpachi yelped and jumped back.  
  
"Just because you're a little flat doesn't mean I don't still find you attractive baby." Heisuke continued in the same tone. "We could rule the world together."  
  
"He needs padding." Susumu remarked holding up a bra.  
  
Shinpachi backed into the wall with a terrified look, "Absolutely not!"  
  
"Dearest Bridget, it's for your own good." Heisuke purred gleefully, "Plastic surgery is simply to risky for one of your delicate condition."  
  
"So I'm pregnant now too!" Shinpachi freaked.  
  
"Or in the middle of a sex change. Hold still." Susumu said dryly as he maneuvered Shinpachi so he could work better.  
  
Hijikata walked in dressed as he normally was. On his left breast was a sticker that read "Dead man's older brother."  
  
Okita slipped in after him wearing a sundress with his hair up in a pigtails and lip gloss.   
  
"How do you do? I'm Candy Sweet, daughter of the esteemed millionaires Toffee and Cane Sweet."  
  
"Pleasure to meet you darling Candy." Heisuke drawled, "Your father and I are quite the rivals, but I must remark how remarkable you are. You look just as beautiful as your mother."  
  
"Why thank you kind sir! She's far more pretty than I'll ever be."  
  
"No no, I disagree. You're quite lovely."  
  
"Okay, who are you making a move on now?" Shinpachi grumbled.  
  
Heisuke turned, "Why dear Bridget, are you jealous? I was merely stating the facts."  
  
"He's quite the gentleman." Okita, no Candy, put in, fluttering his eyelashes, "What a charmer, and with money too. You're quite foolish to be so rude."  
  
Hijikata cleared his throat, "In the car."  
  
A pretty young woman appeared behind him and gave a polite smile, "Yes, come on son, we should go to the limo."  
  
Tetsu glared.  
  
"Who's that?" Shinpachi asked in confusion. "Candy" laughed, "I'm afraid I shall have to steal your son and family fortune away."  
  
"Who the heck is that?" Shinpachi repeated.  
  
"Yes mom." Tetsu ground out.   
  
"You poor, dear woman, having your precious husband taken from you in such a cruel way." Heisuke said sympathetically.  
  
Susumu sniffed, giving a veiled glare, "He was such a bastard anyway. Just like his brother."  
  
"Yes Susan, my brother was indeed foolish to marry one such as you." Hijikata replied smoothly. "Be sure you do not trip on your heels in such a grief-wroth state."  
  
Okay, so Susumu's name was Susan, Shinpachi was Bridget, and Okita was Candy. Tetsu looked down at his card. Tyler, that was a decent name.  
  
"Harry! Oh there you are Harry." Ayunee said rushing in. She looked elegant in her dress. Obviously her brother had done her make up. But who was Harry.  
  
"Yes my lovely wife Amy?" Hijikata ground out and "Amy" pretended not to hear his teeth cracking.  
  
"We are late Harry!"  
  
"Hardly my fault."  
  
"But it is your fault! Hurry and bring your family."  
  
Heisuke stepped forward, "The lovely lady is quite right Hairy, we are running a tad behind. Shall we?"  
  
Tetsu snickered until "Susan" grabbed him by the ear lecturing in a bossy tone, "You will respect your elders. No son of my will be a graceless heathen. Honestly!"  
  
The ride over to Kondou's wasn't too bad. Candy and Heisuke chatted aimlessly while Susan lectured him on manners. Apparently Tyler had a blah-filter too.  
  
"Welcome!" Kondou greeted and Tetsu blinked. Had he ever met this man? It didn't seem like it. Yet you'd think he'd have met him eventually. The boss of his boss. "Come in, come in."  
  
He explained the rules, most of which Tetsu tuned out, then led them to dinner. It was a civilized affair, mostly, where everyone practiced getting in character and reading over their scripts. Tetsu figured that there would be some modifications to the scripts so he didn't bother to memorize his.  
  
"So my little Tyler, do you miss your daddy?" Candy asked sidling up to him. Tetsu blushed before remembering that Candy was trying to seduce him, not Okita. "It must be awful. His skull being broken by a strong blow to the back of the head."  
  
"Uh, er, yeah. Terrible." Tetsu agreed, stuttering. Smooth.  
  
"You know, your father's greatest wish was to see his one son married into a good family. The Sweets are of old, pure blood." Candy said eagerly. She pressed up against him and he tried to choke on his food.  
  
"Okita," Tetsu whispered, "Don't make me choke!"  
  
Okita gave a grin, "Sorry Tetsu. Candy's a very demanding woman."  
  
"Okay, just try to warn me or something."  
  
"Something." Okita agreed demurely and switched into "Candy-mode."  
  
"My father wanted me to marry some other girl." Tetsu said glancing at his card, "What's her name."  
  
Okita slid a hand up his inner thigh, "Exactly. She's unimportant. I'm all the woman you'll ever need."  
  
"A toast, to our lost friend and family member." Heisuke said, breaking in smoothly.  
  
Tetsu was terribly confused. This was just playing right? It was just fun and games. It just turned out that "Candy" was interested in "Tyler," right? Funny accident. Did Okita have to do it so convincingly? At least he'd removed his hand. The things that touch provoked.  
  
"So, Herring, what are you going to do now. Your brother left you quite a gold mine if you can ever find his will." Heisuke said ringing his glass with his finger.  
  
Harry looked over with distain, "You don't have to worry about the will. It will be found and all will be revealed. My brother's death will be avenged and the killer brought to justice."  
  
"Noble speech." Heisuke said loudly and clapped. "Very stirring indeed."  
  
Someone cleared his throat behind them. Saito was almost unrecognizable. Not only was he not wearing black, but he had on spectacles. "Please excuse my late arrival. A Frankenstein required aid on the way over. His mother was very upset and pleaded my assistance. I was forced to give a band-aid for his scraped knee."  
  
"Please have a seat Dr. Snider." Heisuke bid, pulling out the chair to his left. "We were just discussing our late friend's murder."  
  
"It was a clean blow to the back of the head. The murderer had to be fairly strong and practiced to do it so precisely." Snider said without preamble. "The weapon was blunt and in all probability metal."  
  
"How dreadful." Candy gasped and took the opportunity to practically climb in Tyler's lap. Tetsu tried to shove Okita off, but that only made him cling tighter.  
  
"Please remove yourself from young master's lap." Terrance, aka Tatsu, broke in stonily. Candy gave an oblique smile and did as she was bidden.  
  
"You hussy, keep your paws off my son! His father is barely cold in the grave."  
  
"Ah, but how cold he was in the bed, isn't that right?" Candy grinned viciously, "Maybe you didn't like that scandalous little affair he was having."  
  
"How dare you!"  
  
"Oh I dare. It's all over the papers. Doesn't look too good for you right now." Candy smiled.   
  
"Enough bickering. My brother sowed quite a few wild oats." Harry butted in sharply.  
  
Shinpachi choked.  
  
"You wanted to say something dear Bridget?" Heisuke asked, concerned.  
  
Bridget muttered something.  
  
"Darling, you're too quiet. If you have something to say…"  
  
"That bastard got me with child!" Bridget blurted out.  
  
Heisuke leered, "Remarkable figure for a pregnant woman. How far along my dear?"  
  
"Shut up you lecher!"  
  
Heisuke looked affronted, "Pardon my concern. I love children and wish to have my own some day in the future."  
  
"We should tour the scene." Snider broke in adjusting his spectacles slightly, "For clues."  
  
"Grand idea! And we could find the will while we're at it." Heisuke grinned, "The one that leaves me the business and Harrington the house."  
  
"I beg to differ. It will leave me half the business and his family the estate." Harry put in coldly. "Don't be so confident."  
  
"Ah, but confidence makes the world go around. Without me your family would be working class. It was my funding that allowed you to rise out of the gutters to become one of the most powerful and influential families in this area."  
  
"Are you calling us trash?" Susan yelled shrilly. "You dog! You forget that my husband was the brains. Whatever shall you do now that you have to think for yourself? You will rot, rot I tell you! Sink to the pits of bankruptcy because you are too stupid to think your way out of a box!"  
  
"Any one of you could be the murder." Kondou reminded them, "You all have legitimate motives."  
  
"What ever would be mine?" Candy fluttered, "I'm just a little Southern girl with a dream!"  
  
"Whatever her name is." Tetsu supplemented helpfully and squirmed when he felt wandering fingers.   
  
Candy tittered, "Oh, her. Why ever would I care about that? I know that true love will have its way!"  
  
"One called arsenic I presume." Snider added mildly and Heisuke choked on his drink. He showered Bridget and promptly tried to make it up to her with horrible results.  
  
"You keep your hands away from my chest! What sort of gentleman are you?"  
  
"Ahem." Terrance put in and Heisuke gave him a shark-like grin.  
  
"Quite the double-standard." Candy sniffed haughtily, "That gentleman may have his hands all over the maid, while I'm not allowed to so much as look at my fiancée."  
  
What the hell was that?  
  
Before Tetsu could respond with something appropriate Okita had grabbed his head and kissed him on the lips.  
  
It was an awkward angle and a surprise attack, but Tetsu found himself going with it easily enough. He was rather disappointed when Okita pulled back out of reach. What would happen if he initiated a kiss? Should he find out? After all, Okita started it!  
  
"You…!" Tatsu started going red with fury.  
  
Tetsu didn't wait to see what else his brother had to say.  
  
Shoving his chair back he launched a full-body assault on his attacker.  
  
"Ack!" Okita squawked under the sudden weight and went down with a thump. Before he could recover Tetsu was taking back his stolen kiss with a vengeance. "Mmmph!"  
  
Tetsu suddenly felt himself lifted up in the air. He struggled in annoyance and tried to kick his captor.   
  
He could vaguely hear Tatsu going on and on about something. When wasn't he?  
  
Okita got up with a happy smile. Okita, not "Candy."  
  
"Woah there Stallion." Heisuke remarked coming out of character to make a comment, "Next thing you'll be stripping the poor boy while we watch."  
  
"Naturally you'd object." Shinpachi said dryly.  
  
"That's not in the script." Kondou sighed good-natured and Hijikata snorted, "Okita makes his own script. His life is a never-ending drama. He should be in a soap opera."  
  
"Settle down please." Ayunee requested and Sano dropped Tetsu with a thump before returning to his seat. Everyone looked at her expectantly, "Could we just get through this without incident? Tatsu, that's nothing to get ruffled about so just take it down a notch. Souji, behave. Now, I believe were just learning a key clue? Kondou."  
  
"Thank you." The older man nodded, "Perhaps we should skip ahead slightly?"  
  
Hijikata made a noise of agreement.  
  
The rest of the evening actually went as planned. There was no more surprise attacks or bursts of manic energies.  
  
"And the killer is…" Kondou paused for effect, "Any guesses?"  
  
"It's obvious. It has to be a woman and the murder weapon is this crowbar from the trunk of the very snazzy Jaguar." Heisuke grinned, "Why a woman? Because you're all vindictive bitches. Even you darling Bridget."  
  
"Very specific." Suzu rolled his eyes, "What about the pissed employee? I think I should kill him for making my life hell. Eating out of garbage cans and working at Micky Ds."  
  
"Shut up Stew."  
  
"Stu. As in Stuart. Do not start calling me food again." Suzu said with a tired sigh.  
  
"Okay keeper-of-the-estate-who-was-fired-for-doing-a-lousy-job."  
  
"No other guesses?" Kondou asked.  
  
"Hmm," Okita grinned, "You know it wasn't little old me. I just simply couldn't imagine killing a man in cold blood."  
  
"Candy Sweet."  
  
"Oh look, guess you could." Susan sneered. "Does that mean the punishment is the death penalty?"   
  
"Sorry, we don't live in Texas. Looks like life for me!" Okita chirped, "But you have to catch me first!" With that he bolted up the stairs.  
  
Kondou shook his head, "Souji is quite fond of hiding in the attic."  
  
Heisuke yawned, "Just what I want to do. Chase a demented Southern belle around some dark, cluttered space. No thanks, I'll pass. Sano's the cop-thingy anyway."  
  
"Your cop is out cold." Shinpachi commented from his spot where he was sitting cross-legged on the floor looking sleepy. "Good party Kondou. The streets are safe and Officer Goro will be happy."  
  
"What are the chances Okita will come down on his own?"  
  
Kondou shook his head, "He's stayed up there for days at a time before."  
  
"Wonderful." Susumu said. "Just like a rat."  
  
Tetsu had to sock him in the jaw for that one.  
  
"Hey you little shit! What'd you do that for? Should I start calling you a fag too?" Susumu fumed, jumping up to pummel the smaller freshman.  
  
Heisuke yawned and sat down next to Sano's hulking form. He rested the back of his head against the wall and advised, "Puppy, you should go get Okita. Kondou wasn't kidding. I remember playing hide and seek as kids. He was never caught and he'd never come down either."  
  
Tetsu nodded, but he couldn't resist. He still didn't know what it meant, but he did it anyway.  
  
"You stupid fairy!" Susumu howled with rage. Ah, the powers of the middle finger.  
  
Tetsu bolted and easily lost his pursuer, and himself as well. Where the hell was he? Why'd Kondou need such a bigass house anyway?  
  
He didn't hear a thing.  
  
One minute he was walking along and the next he was flat on the floor.  
  
"Get off!" Tetsu howled and his attacker obliged immediately.  
  
A part of violet eyes twinkled as a hand extended to help him up. Okita had pulled down his hair and taken off the make-up, but he still had on the bright sundress.  
  
"Miss me sweet Tyler?" Okita teased playfully, twirling a strand of his hair.  
  
Tetsu sat down nervously. Okay, so he found him, now what?  
  
"About that kiss…" Tetsu started out then tapered off. What about it did he want to say exactly?  
  
"You didn't like it?" Okita asked, making a pouting face and sitting down next to him. The senior played with the hem of his dress.  
  
"What—no, I liked it. A lot." Tetsu blushed. "It's just that everyone seemed so shocked and that was my first kiss. Did I do something wrong? It doesn't look like it's that hard, but I must have fucked it up somehow."  
  
"Want to know a secret?" Okita grinned slightly, "I wouldn't know. That was my first real kiss too."  
  
Tetsu fidgeted, "Could we… do you want to try again?"  
  
Well, this was sure a hell of a lot better. Good thing they didn't have an audience…  
  
"That's not how you do it." Heisuke remarked confidently and dropped his voice, "Try some tongue. That chaste little thing won't get you anywhere!"  
  
"TEEEEEEEEEEETSUUUUUUUU! WHY?" Tatsu screamed and sank to his knees tearing out his hair.  
  
The rest of the peanut gallery stood in the doorway with various expressions. Ayunee was whispering something to Hijikata and he grunted in response. She punched him lightly in the chest and laughed softly.  
  
"I think this is a night." Hijikata grumbled, glancing over at Tatsu, who was still having an instant breakdown. "Souji, you are coming home with me. You've caused quite enough trouble tonight. I know you would go out and terrorize the trick-or-treaters for more candy if I left you alone. Then you would end up in jail. Again."  
  
"You make it sound so bad!" Okita laughed lightly and rose gracefully, "But I'm already in costume and it's only about nine. Perfect timing!"  
  
"You can buy yourself bags of candy on sale tomorrow." Hijikata sighed dragging him out. Ayunee bid them goodnight and told Susumu not to be out too late.  
  
Tatsu continued his theatrics until everyone else had left the room. Then he took on that eerie calm. Tetsu half expected him to turn green in warning like the sky did before a tornado.  
  
"Tetsu, how could you!" Tatsu screamed when the door was safely closed behind him, "You do know that Okita is male, don't you?"  
  
"Uh yeah, he made the quite obvious the first day." Tetsu said scratching his head. What exactly was the big deal here?   
  
"Guys are supposed to like and kiss girls! Don't they teach you anything in school?" Tatsu hissed in embarrassment then muttered under his breath, "Please don't make me explain the birds and the bees, please, please don't make me."  
  
"But Heisuke likes other guys. He said so."   
  
"He's a freak!" Tatsu exploded fretfully and paced, "How can I make this clear?"  
  
Trying to be helpful Tetsu decided to recite what he knew about the act of sex. That didn't go over well.  
  
"…But babies don't come from storks, that's just a legend. They really come from Santa." Tetsu concluded.  
  
Tatsu twitched spastically. He'd been doing that for the last ten minutes. Maybe he was tired.  
  
"I think it would be best for you to change schools." Tatsu said calmly.  
  
"But… but…" Tetsu growled, "You're joking!"  
  
"No, I'm not. There are some bad influences at that school. I can't supervise you every single second. You can go to school with Susumu. Ayumu tells me it's a very nice public school."  
  
And if Susumu was any indication it was friendly and sweet too.  
  
"No, I just made friends!" Tetsu protested hotly. "I'll run away." He threatened.  
  
Tatsu shook his head and slumped against the wall, "I thought a private school was a good thing. Your grades have improved and you haven't gotten in too many fights. You even seemed to be socially adjusted. Obviously you were just willing to be corrupted in worse ways. I don't know what to do with you Tetsu!"  
  
"You could try butting out of my life." Tetsu snapped irritably, trying to imagine going to school with Susumu. It was bad enough that he had to see the guy every week or so, but everyday? Hell. "I'm doing fine. And since no one will tell me what I was doing wrong…!"  
  
"YOU WERE KISSING ANOTHER BOY." Tatsu snarled, shaking him by the shoulders, "Do you realize what that means? Of course not. Our parents would be rolling in their graves if they knew! Men don't kiss other men!"  
  
Tetsu yanked himself away and snapped, "Is that it? That's what all the fuss is about? Just because some silly play got a little out of hand?" He sucked in an angry breath, "So you're going to yank me out of a good school where I have good friends just because I kissed another guy? You're such a bastard! I can't believe you're my big brother. I thought you loved me and cared about my happiness!"  
  
"I…" Tatsu's mouth worked like a fish, opening and closing. He snapped it shut with a frown. "Maybe if you promise to stay away from him and I talk to Hijikata about moving you to freshman dorms…"  
  
Tetsu felt all the resistance drain out of him. What was the point of staying at the school if he was going to lose all his friends? If he were moved out of the senior dorm the only people he'd ever see would be Suzu in gym and Sano in Home Ec. Then Sano would yap about the great fun they'd gotten up to or how Heisuke did this or Shinpachi did that. Suzu would probably just stop talking to him all together once they weren't roommates anymore.  
  
That was fucked.  
  
Unacceptable.  
  
"No."  
  
Tatsu paused and his eyes narrowed, "What do you mean no? I'm only looking out for you."  
  
"Well you're doing a bang-up shitty job. I hate you."  
  
"You don't mean that."  
  
Tetsu crossed his arms stubbornly, "Like hell I don't. I mean it right now."  
  
"Be reasonable."  
  
"You're being the asshole. If you make me do this you are no longer my brother and I'll have nothing to do with you. What would Dad say about this? He'd called you closed-minded and a jerk! Too nice if you ask me. You're just a fucking selfish asshole!" Tetsu fumed, turning his back, "And a spineless cowering tyrant."  
  
"I think that's an oxymoron."  
  
"You're the moron! I'm leaving. Susumu will take me to the dorms so I can pack."   
  
"Fine. Go. You'll thank me later."  
  
"Sure, I'll thank you in hell!"  
  
A/N: Work sucks, life sucks, and this story eats up too much time. Anyway, I got far more serious than I wanted to here, but shrug oh well. If you haven't figured out the pairings, shoot yourself (I suggest the foot; you can still function). Hopefully the mystery party thing made sense. My grandmother thought it was great. Oh! Bad me, I forgot to give some credit. Sano and the robobaby idea was spawned originally by SL (Maria Cline) and the gummy bears spit = Zach from work. I should go watch the rest of my anime. The party idea with J's (fyyrrose aka SSM).  
  
Fyyrrose: Oh shut up. I could call you many things. Be happy with J. Tell her to f-off. There's no reason to be talking to anyone before 9 am. 8?!! starts laughing hysterically Try 5!!! I need 10 and I'm not remotely getting it. So, you like Ren? I'm thinking a short Katsu O.o;; Don't ask why. Well, Katsu in drag, no, wait, he's already dressed that way! I believe you're a threat. Then again, people think I'm sweet and polite. They believe what they want to believe. You should know that by now. Too bad. I'm off all weekend and work all week... I'll probably be playing with my fish tanks (all three! yay!). I'm so behind on Strays, but I'm going to scrap the chapter I have I think. It just sucks.  
  
MissBehavin: Saito is fun (O.o;; High by Afroman just came out my playlist, scary). Yes, killer Okita. Hey, he's an instant, beloved genius. I think he needs a blow to the self-confidence! And low blood sugar is pure homicide, believe me. Yes, drugs, gee, wonder why? Tatsu's fuuuuuuuuuuuuun! Blah blah blah! Susumu? Well, I was thinking a tv, but when you asked the first thing that came to mind was toilet parts LMAO! You know at Carowinds in the arcade, the big time prizes? (I think? Haven't been there in two years). That sort of stuff. That's okay about 5. Poor poor Ryouma. He's going to end up murdered by the end of the year, I can see it now. "Strange dreadlocked man found dead. Sugar finger prints on body." I wanted to make weapons too :( I made a bridge and a night light instead.  
  
Dan: I try to update every Sunday, except when I'm too tired. Plus, these dang chapters are long! I can't write 10-20 pages every week! I think Saito and Okita make a terrifying team, but that's half the fun! Rules, what are those? Think outside the orange-- er, box. Yes, poor park staff... I mean, Okita, yeah, poor little guy. To be honest? My brother is the basis for Susumu in this fic, what does that say? Hmm, suspicions confirmed? And I never even thought about Okita x Tetsu before I read it! I mean, I thought of it being one sided obviously. I'm actually a H x O fan, well, as much a shipper as I'm ever going to be. I KNEW who he was! I was more like, are you su-re that he's not a she? Susumu has some issues, and contrary to popular opinion (fyyrrose and my buddy SL stalker lady), it's not because of his sister. you'll see ;; Can't leave my darling, demented little shinobi out! I love manga, love. Comparing things is fun though. Making fun of them is better. I have to wait for the scanlations :( And they left off on "Snow" and I was like WTF?!!! Noooooooooooooo! Hurry! Hurry or I'm going to get the tazer! I was acting like... well, I was loud. 


	8. Chapter Six: Part Two

Chapter Six: The Week After  
  
Suzu sighed and looked at his perfectly ordered room. Not a thing was out of place, not a thing. It was perfect? He should be loving it.  
  
The week had just gone to the dogs after that night. Suzu was rather surprised to find all of Tetsu's things removed the next day after he'd gotten back from class. When he asked around all he got was pissed looks.  
  
When he asked Heisuke at a session he nearly got his head bitten off, but no real answer. Shinpachi and Sano had no idea and Okita was nowhere to be found.  
  
Suzu wanted an answer!  
  
It seemed that left him with a few options. Hijikata would, of course, be a last resort. He couldn't ask Yoshida and Sannan probably wouldn't know. Well, screw that. He wanted his whiny, noisy, messy roommate back.  
  
He paused outside the door hearing voices.  
  
"Hijikata, I won't do it. It's Tatsu's choice. If I act childish about this he'll just blame Tetsu."  
  
"It is your choice Souji, but I really do not think that Tatsu would like to see you, let alone talk to you."  
  
Okita scoffed, "I can't be worse than Heisuke. He's been making Tatsu's life a living hell. You should ban him from the office."  
  
Hijikata sighed, "If only I could. Then I wouldn't have to hear the complaints."  
  
"It's my fault." Okita complained. "I should have known that was pushing it."  
  
Hijikata's tone turned slightly darker, "Ichimura has no idea what he is doing. Yamanami is going to talk to him about it. The question is: were you just playing around or did you mean something by that."  
  
There was a long silence. "I can't believe he's going to school with Susumu now."  
  
"You are skirting the subject. Souji, I asked you a specific question."  
  
Suzu nearly jumped out of his skin when Saito materialized beside him. He was second in line of people that creeped Suzu out. Heisuke being first of course. Saito was someone he avoided as much as possible.  
  
"Eavesdropping is impolite. Did you hear what you wanted?"  
  
"Not really—wait! I wasn't eavesdropping. I was going to ask Hijikata a question, but Okita's already in there. I didn't want to interrupt."  
  
"Wise of you." Saito nodded, "Yet it does not explain your ear to the door."  
  
"I—um."  
  
Saito shoved him aside and promptly put his own ear to the door.  
  
"Er, what are you doing?"  
  
"Listening."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I wished to know where Tetsu was removed to."  
  
Suzu made a face, "Doesn't anyone know?"  
  
"Please refrain from talking. It makes it difficult."  
  
Suzu nodded in understanding and started listening again. He really hoped that neither of the two occupants would suddenly decide to come storming out. That would be really awkward.  
  
"I see then. Do you wish for me to talk to him?"  
  
Okita shrugged, "I'll do it. He may hate me, but oh well. I can try. It's my responsibility. Do you think if I promise to keep my hands off he'll believe me?"  
  
"No." Hijikata grunted, "Souji, you have a gift. You tend to make very striking impressions on people. Usually they're good, but in this case it's negative. He's not going to forgive and forget so easily."  
  
Suzu was suddenly jerked to the side by Saito as the door opened. He held his breath as the senior passed within inches of the two of them. When he paused Suzu nearly had a heart attack, but all he was doing was saying his thanks to his confident.  
  
He turned to look at Saito, but the dark senior was gone.  
  
"Spying is rude."  
  
Gulp.  
  
"It's a good thing Hijikata decided you weren't worth the effort." Okita continued lightly. He made a happy face then furrowed his brow, "I, on the other hand, would really like to know why you were snooping. Close doors usually indicate privacy."  
  
"I—I wanted to know what happened to Tetsu and no one would tell me. Either that or they didn't know."  
  
"It's nothing to be concerned about." Okita breezed airily, "He just switched schools. It's not like he died or anything!"  
  
"But—why?"  
  
Okita's face hardened, but he forced himself to relax, "It's no biggie. Just don't worry about it. He's going to mixed, public school now. We should all visit him sometime and see how he's doing!"  
  
There was a crackle in the speakers and suddenly Tatsu's frantic voice was faint in the background, "Heisuke, what are you doing with that? Don't touch it!"  
  
"Hello? Is this thing on? It is? Oh goodie."  
  
Okita hung his head and shook it slightly in exasperation.  
  
"So, Tatsu, you seem to have some issues. Since I know you can't afford a real shrink I volunteer to help you with them!"  
  
"Heisuke, give me that."  
  
"Woah, careful where you're touching there." Heisuke joked and gave a sadistic little chuckle. "You do that again and some people might not think it's an accident. With my reputation and all."  
  
There was a brief scuffle and then Sannan's voice of reason advising that the students ignore what just occurred and that it was nothing too important.  
  
"Anyway, how's your tutoring with Heisuke going?"  
  
It occurred to Suzu that he was being dragged off-topic, but what he really wanted to do with march up to Tatsu and let him have some harsh words. Things were starting to make more sense now.  
  
Well, he had Okita sitting right here. It never hurt to ask, right? As long as the senior didn't go psychotic on him everything would be fine.  
  
"Tatsu took Tetsu out because you guys kissed." Statement, not a question. Hopefully he was right.  
  
"I fail to see…"  
  
"He's my friend too, and my roommate. I want to know."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I see. So Tatsu is having a cow about this and overreacting?"  
  
Okita nodded and added earnestly, "But I'm going to fix it."  
  
"That explains a lot. How long were you going to keep this from us? Saito, Shinpachi, and Sano, none of them even knew why."  
  
"I told you, I'm going to fix this." Okita repeated stubbornly.  
  
Suzu gave a skeptical look and remarked, "From the prospective of someone who is less than comfortable with that sort of relationship, I do not believe you can."  
  
The senior didn't answer him. He just stalked off down the hall.  
  
"Ah, so that is what happened." Saito said in a low voice, "A pity."  
  
"A mess." Suzu shrugged, "And it does not look like it is one that we can help fix. Do you know where Susumu's school is?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ayunee would, but we cannot ask her."  
  
"Perhaps we should ask Susumu." Saito suggested mildly.  
  
Suzu groaned, "That's just what I want to do! Deal with that jerk."  
  
"Hey, piss off kid. You're just a whiny albino runt." Susumu snarled, looking rather annoyed. "Is the demon in his office or do I have to track the asshole down?"  
  
"Susumu!" Suzu jumped guiltily. The junior looked at him like he was an idiot.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Where is your school?"  
  
"You want that little shit back?" Susumu snarled, obviously in a very black mood. "Please, be my guest. He's ruining everything. It's bad enough I have the demon dating my sister and showing up on my doorstep. Then I have to deal with you dumbasses whenever I have to come here. Now I have that little shit at my school! I can't take it!"  
  
"Is—is he doing okay?"  
  
"He's just fucking fine. Ruining my life, but perfectly fucking fine." Susumu snapped reaching for the doorknob. "Why you people can't stay where you belong is beyond me."  
  
"It is not like it was his fault!" Suzu yelled back, startling himself. Was he defending that whiny, messy brat? What was wrong with him. Susumu could tear him apart and toss him in the trash.  
  
Instead the older boy took on a thoughtful look, "You want him back."  
  
"Uh…"  
  
"That is correct."  
  
Well thank you Saito! As if he couldn't speak for himself. But he did want the little bugger back believe it or not. Even if that meant teaming up with a crackhead and some trash punk.  
  
Susumu was casting a shrewd glance at the closed door, "What does he think of all this?"  
  
Suzu wasn't sure, but if lying would help…  
  
"Well, he has hardly been pleased with Tetsu in the past." Suzu said contemptuously. The poor sucker really was a pitiful aid. Yoshida would have eaten him alive. "Besides, if you do not help us, then he will be at your school for the rest of the year." Suzu paused to let that little horror sink in. "A whole half a year of Tetsu-made hell."  
  
When he put it that way, why in the world did they want Tetsu back?  
  
"What do you have in mind?"  
  
"His brother." Saito suggested, looking half asleep.  
  
Great, just great. Tatsu would already be frazzled by the surprise attack from Heisuke. And Okita was on his way to "fix it." Tatsu would hardly be open to listening to the three of them after that. If he wasn't in the hospital that was considering that Okita had some bad habits.  
  
"That will not work very well." Suzu sighed and glanced at the closed door. The smart thing would be to let an adult handle this. He had a feeling that Hijikata could change anyone's mind given enough time. Not to mention that the gruff older man would do anything for Okita. "We should find Tetsu first. Maybe he can help. Tatsu is his brother."  
  
Apparently Tetsu wasn't that easy to find.  
  
Susumu led them through several places that made Suzu have horrible flashback memories and several more that just made him nauseated. Why would anyone want to live here?  
  
"This is the slum, not where I live." Susumu snapped, turning around. "Your precious baby has gone straight back to the gutter without all your prissy guidance."  
  
"What kind of stuff is he doing?" Suzu was almost afraid to ask.  
  
Susumu shrugged, "Gang-related stuff mostly. For now. He's only been back a week, but I wouldn't be surprised to find him in some alley, his mind blown. He just needs to come across some cash, borrow, or flat out steal. He's one fucked up kid if you ask me."  
  
Suzu almost slammed into a pole, he was so distracted. Tetsu was messed up? Look at the pot calling the kettle black!  
  
"Tetsu." Saito said from the shadows. He wore his usual hooded expression, but a faint smile tugged at his lips.  
  
Sure enough the little jerk was sitting right there. He was playing with something, rolling it around in his palms. He didn't even look up when they approached.  
  
"Hey shithead, where'd you steal that?" Susumu greeted coolly and the pilfered object was thrown at his head. It turned out to be a rather sharp knife. Susumu picked it up casually and pocketed it. "Your friends are here to see you."  
  
"Tell 'em to go away. I'm not supposed to talk to anyone. You know that Susumu." Tetsu said without looking up. He slid off the wall where he'd been sitting and started to walk off.  
  
"Hey!" Suzu yelled after him. He didn't even stop.  
  
"Oh, did I forget to tell you? He's not allowed to talk to you snobs anymore." Susumu said with belated sarcasm.   
  
"You failed to mention it." Saito said, the sarcasm completely lost. "I suggest that Suzu speak with him. As his roommate. Go on."  
  
And bark like a dog while you're at it. Suzu thought to himself as he stomped after this great friend and roommate of his. He was beginning to wish he were tutoring Heisuke instead of tramping the streets.  
  
"Tetsu, would you please stop! Tatsu is not here!" Suzu called after him, skirting some loiters. "Hey, you!"  
  
Tetsu stopped and turned around with a blank look. He leaned against the wall and Suzu was shocked at what he was wearing. He shouldn't have been considering some of the things Susumu showed up in. But to see Tetsu in them… that was something else. Uniforms definitely were good things.  
  
"Would you stop following me? I don't have anything to say to you."  
  
"I have something to say to you." Suzu fumed. No way he was going to be brushed off after wasting three hours looking for the twerp in such desperate conditions. "Why?"  
  
"Why what?" Tetsu said dully.  
  
"Why did you allow your brother to do that? We had no idea where you were taken or why you left. I came back from class to find myself alone in my room!"  
  
"It's what you wanted wasn't it? A nice, sparkling room to study in. You should be happy!" Tetsu paused and added, "Besides, what'd I ever do for you? I just got you in trouble and all."  
  
"Well, I do not have answers to those. I got used to you. You were part of my life." Suzu tried to explain, glancing around. "What about everyone else then?"  
  
"What about them? I'm sure they're so happy now that I'm gone. After all, who wants a dirty, nasty kid like me anyway?" He punctuated this statement by pulling something that looks suspiciously like liquor out of his pocket.  
  
"Your brother has not told you mostly likely, but Heisuke has been making his life extremely difficult. Sanosuke and Shinpachi keep asking where you went because they do not understand. Even Saito wishes for your return."  
  
"You left someone out." Tetsu said in a whisper. It didn't take even an instant for Suzu to realize who he was talking about.  
  
"Are you angry at him?"  
  
"Yes… no… maybe. A little. For getting me in so much trouble." Tetsu admitted, giving the wall behind him a vicious kick.  
  
"Not for the kiss?"  
  
"No."  
  
And that was the answer Suzu had dreaded.   
  
His first instincts were to just walk away.   
  
He just couldn't do it. He couldn't walk away because deep down he knew that Tetsu needed his approval. What would the kid do if another one of his friends just ditched him? Besides, what kind of pathetic person did it make him if he discriminated like that? Just because he didn't like it.   
  
"He misses you. He is going to try to talk to your brother, but I think that will only make things more difficult." Suzu said confidently, to mask his split-second hesitation. "Okita does not realize that what he considers normal behavior the rest of the world finds odd and flirtatious."  
  
"So… he's worried about me?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Really? He's not mad?"  
  
"Or you deaf or just not listening? I said yes!" Suzu screeched and cringed as several loiters looked their way with mild interest. "Will you just come with me? I know your brother insists that you not speak with us, but we need to change his mind. It will take some effort and planning."  
  
Tetsu scratched his head, "Who's we? You mean Saito, I saw he was with you, and Susumu?"  
  
"Yes. Also the trio. Perhaps Okita, if we find him in time, could speak with Hijikata again."  
  
"Does he miss me too?"  
  
Suzu made a face and answered truthfully, "As of now? Not in the slightest."  
  
Tetsu's face twisted up and he rolled his eyes, "Well that figures. So what sort of plan?"  
  
"No idea. I am sure Heisuke will think of something appropriate. He seems to have a knack for such plans."  
  
"You two done having your heart-to-heart yet?" Susumu growled, casually sliding up behind them. He was warily watching a disorganized bunch of youths a few yards off. "This place is going to Hell in a moment. We should leave."  
  
It didn't take long to find Susumu's beat-up VW van. Where he got such an ugly vehicle, from the 60s no less, was something Suzu wanted to ask, yet didn't want to know the answer to. The spray paint was colorful… yeah, colorful and artistic.   
  
The trip back to the school was rather short. Tetsu seemed happy to be back in their company, even if he was stuck with a stuck-up rule abider and a stoner. Not to mention whatever Susumu would be considered.   
  
Heisuke was already at the basketball court. He and the other two were playing rock paper scissors. Sano gave a loud laugh as he smashed Shinpachi's hapless hand.  
  
"Rock crushes your puny scissors!"  
  
"Ouch, dang Sano, that hurt!"  
  
Heisuke looked up and grinned, "Puppy! So you could make it after all!"  
  
Tetsu blushed slightly at the enthusiastic greeting and muttered, "It's only been a week."  
  
"Time is irrelevant." Saito interjected. "It is how it is perceived."  
  
"I hate to break up this lovely Hallmark moment, but you guys are going to make me fucking puke." Susumu broke in from where he was sitting up in a tree. What was with the guy and being up high? Was he making up for something or what.  
  
"I have the perfect plan, but I need everyone to play along." Heisuke said in a conspirator's whisper. That look was the one he gave just before something especially lewd would come out of his mouth. Suzu was afraid.  
  
Tetsu was annoyed that he couldn't come out and watch, but he had to be satisfied from a backseat view. This would be great! He couldn't believe he had such great friends that they would do this for him. Well, Susumu was just a desperate shit, but the rest of them were just great.  
  
What he really wanted to do was find Okita. Well, that part wasn't too hard. Not when Okita wanted to be found.  
  
"No, stay away from me you… you… you brother seducing thing!"  
  
Tetsu rolled his eyes. You'd think with his brother's big brain he could come up with something a little more descriptive and colorful. But no, wait, this was Tatsu. He couldn't insult someone if his life depended on it.  
  
"I just want to talk! There's no harm in talking is there?" Okita pleaded. He was easily keeping pace beside the terrified, bleating creature Tetsu was embarrassed to call his older brother.  
  
"Putting your hand there is a little more than talking!" Tatsu screamed and tried to dive around a corner and hide. Tetsu could have told him that was a janitorial closet. Actually, it was an excellent place to hide. Hijikata didn't know about it just yet. Unfortunately it seemed Okita did.  
  
"Peek-a-boo!" Okita laughed and rocked back on his haunches, "C'mon, just talk to me? I promise I won't bite!"  
  
"Or lick?" Tatsu remarked darkly.  
  
"It was an accident, I swear!"  
  
Tatsu's voice resonated from the closet. Apparently he had locked himself in and Okita out.   
  
"I fail to see how that could be an accident."  
  
Okita's face took on a thoughtful look and he queried, "I slipped? Honestly? You had a bit of lunch still on your face. I just thought I'd be polite and remove it for you."  
  
"Just go away! And that's what napkins are for!"  
  
"But I wanted to talk to you about Tetsu." Okita pressed.  
  
Tatsu's voice was accusatory and Tetsu could just picture the face that went with it. "Don't talk to me about Tetsu, you. Just be glad he's still in the same city."  
  
"It wasn't his fault! Please, punish me, not him."  
  
"God will give you His punishment. It's not for me to decide."   
  
Oh no, and here they went. It wasn't like the Ichimura brothers even went to church or anything. Just on Easter and Christmas. Tetsu couldn't name a single saint or verse from… what was that book again? Bible, right. That thing. God just wanted everyone to be happy, right? And everyone was His children, right? So what was the big deal anyway!  
  
"Oh, I don't believe in God. Well, not "your" God anyway." Okita chirped helpfully, "But He is supposed to be a wise, generous God who believes in forgiveness, correct?"  
  
"You… you…"  
  
"Atheist?"  
  
"Yes!" Tatsu's voice rose to a fever pitch, "Or worse, you're a Satan-worshipper. Yes, that makes sense. Get away from me you sin carrier and stay away from my little brother. You've already corrupted everyone here, but I'm a good, solid Christian!"  
  
"Ah, so do I have a cult?" Okita asked in amusement, rocking back on his heels.  
  
"How would I know?"  
  
"Well, since I've never worshipped Satan I didn't know. Should I have one?" Okita played with his ponytail, "I could find one on the Internet I suppose."  
  
"Just go away!"  
  
"I did want to talk to you about Tetsu. Are we finished with the satanic issues?"  
  
"No! I'm not talking to you anymore."  
  
"You don't have to talk," The senior assured him cheerfully, "Just listen, okay?"  
  
Whimper.  
  
"Could you please let him come back? I've been hearing awful stories from Ayunee about some of the things he's been doing. I think he's very angry at you." Pause. "And we miss him here. I know you may not like me very much." Okita paused again, as if he was contemplating why anyone in the world wouldn't like him, "Or Heisuke, but your brother is an adult. He should be able to make his own decisions, sound or not."  
  
"He's not an adult! I am responsible for him." Tatsu hissed back, letting himself out of the closet with a harsh look on his face. "That boy has no idea what you're doing. You think this is some game, but it's not! You're going to hurt him."  
  
Okita grew very still and asked in a cold voice, "Is that what you think?"  
  
"It is! And I know you guys are very upset, but if you think about this like a rational adult I think you'll see…"  
  
"I'm finished talking. Have a nice day Tatsu."  
  
Tetsu almost ran after Okita, but then he remembered Heisuke's instructions. Tatsu couldn't see him!  
  
Shadowing his older brother for another hour, Tetsu was struck by one enlightening thing. His life was boring as dirt. No wonder the guy flipped out all the time. Add a little spice and he went bonkers on an overload.  
  
He spotted Suzu long before Tatsu did. Not that the idiot would notice anyway, he had his nose so deep in some calculations.  
  
"Umm, Tatsu?"  
  
Tatsu looked up suspiciously and blinked when he saw who it was. Apparently Suzu wasn't on the "threatening" list.  
  
Tetsu wondered what his brother would think after Suzu completed his part of the plan.  
  
"Er, hey Tatsu." Suzu stuttered with a red face. "So, um, Heisuke's been bothering you huh?"  
  
Tatsu looked rather annoyed, "Harassing you mean."  
  
"Yeah, he does me too… I mean, he harasses me too."  
  
Tatsu looked at Suzu strangely and remarked, "I'm sure he is a menace."  
  
Suzu nodded, "Yes, especially out of the classroom. I have to tutor him and sometimes it gets rather interesting."  
  
"That's… nice. Did you have something you wanted to see me about?" Tatsu asked, edging away slightly behind his computer.  
  
"Nothing in particular I guess. I was just wondering if you could do me a… favor." Suzu punctuated this statement by sliding up on the desk and looking at Tatsu from the corner of his eyes. "Since, um, Heisuke seems to like you a lot I don't want to get in the way, but he's been missing his tutoring lessons. I…I can't do it right if I don't see him everyday. So, I was wondering if I could take his place sometimes? You know free him up without shorting you."  
  
Tatsu's eyes bulged out of his head and he fell over backwards sputtering incoherently. He scrambled up and pointed. It took a moment for his mouth to stop flapping uselessly and the words to come out, "GET OUT NOW!"  
  
"But… I know lots of things! I could do so much better than Heisuke."  
  
"OUT OUT OUT!" Tatsu screamed, "What is wrong with this school?"  
  
Yoshida walked in looking rather unamused to see his teacher's aid scuttling out of the office being screamed at by the secretary. He didn't comment however.   
  
Tetsu almost groaned out loud. Suzu had been perfect, but then big, dark, and terrifying had to lumber in. He was going to bring Tatsu back to sanity and ruin everything. Then it'd be twice as hard for the others!  
  
"You should give my aid what he asked for." Yoshida reprimanded and Tatsu turned pink, but was too scared to protest.  
  
He finally worked up the courage to say, "I can't do that sir."  
  
"Why not? What if he had been doing an errand for me? I don't like failure or waiting."  
  
"I would hope that you wouldn't ask him to do that." Tatsu said then yelped and covered his mouth with both hands.  
  
Yoshida continued blandly, "Next time do as he asks without hesitation."  
  
"Do you have any idea what you're asking?"  
  
"If it complies with the needs of my ward I don't care."  
  
"He wanted me to perform sexual acts with him!" Tatsu blurted out. Yoshida didn't seem phased by this sudden admission. Instead he walked over to his teacher's box and pulled out his mail.  
  
He purposefully walked back to the doorway. "I see. Did he specifically ask, or did you interpret his request that way?"  
  
Having made his point the gym teacher walked out leaving a choking Tatsu behind him. Score one for the dark psycho with the killer obstacle course. Tetsu made a note to do better next time he had class.  
  
The next half hour was spent in Sannan's office. Tetsu couldn't hear all of what was being said, but it was touched that Sannan would say such nice things. After all, they hardly had any contact at all and most of it involved Heisuke in some way. The pity was that Tatsu wasn't any more inclined to listen to him than he had been to anyone else. In Tetsu's private opinion, in times like this he needed to have the word 'ass' branded on his forehead. Then again, maybe it would be better to have it there all the time. Just as a reminder. Or a warning. That sounded good actually.  
  
Tatsu came out looking even worse for wear. Sannan's guilt trip was quite powerful.  
  
"What is this? A gauntlet? Next they'll start beating me with clubs… who knew they liked Tetsu so much. Did I make a mistake?" Tatsu scratched the side of his face in contemplation and continued to think out loud, "Geez, I don't know what to do. Everyone is mad at me and now I'm starting to wonder how wrong my decision was, but still. Tetsu may be comfortable with that, and I suppose it's my fault for my… inattention to his growing up, but I'm most certainly not."  
  
"Oh Dar-ling!" Heisuke called out loudly and waved from down the hall. Tatsu immediately turned around and started to walk the other way. Heisuke followed shouting, "Wait up! I need to talk to you! Please? Dar-ling, for me?"  
  
"Gah! Don't call me that!"  
  
"What?" Heisuke said innocently.  
  
"Darling." Tatsu ground out, not realizing that he'd stopped in the middle of the hall.  
  
Heisuke gave a sleazy smile and corrected, "Dar-ling? Why not. You're such a sweet, DAR-LING young man. A little old, but hey, you're such a dar-ling."  
  
Okay, what was Heisuke doing now? It looked like he was licking his lips… incessantly.  
  
"Dar-ling, shall we go somewhere a little more private?" Heisuke grinned, clearly enjoying the murmur of comments and odd stares from the other students. "I think you'd find it much more enjoyable. You're such a shy thing. I know you get embarrassed—like now! Look, such a lovely shade of red, Dar-ling."  
  
"Hey, are they going out now?" A noisy freshman asked the person next to him. The other boy shook his head in confusion, "I dunno."  
  
"Obviously Heisuke is making the move on the guy."  
  
"I heard he was a cold fish though."  
  
"True. Hey Heisuke, what are you doing with that guy? There are a ton of other people who'd love some of your attention! Leave the jerk alone."  
  
"Why can't you just leave me alone!" Tatsu howled and lashed out, hitting Heisuke across his left cheek. Tetsu cringed in embarrassment. What kind of pansy ass hit was that?  
  
Heisuke rubbed his face with a faint smirk before commenting, "Your aim is off by a good bit." He bent over and patted his butt, "I believe you meant to hit me here. Spank real hard now, okay?"  
  
Tatsu took one horrified look and turned to flee. Instead he ran into Sano.  
  
"Grab him, he's been a naughty boy!" Heisuke shouted gleefully and the big senior instantly obeyed. Heisuke scratched the back of his head and commanded, "Just a touch lower… no, not quite… a bit more… perfect."  
  
"Unhand me!" Tatsu screamed, thrashing around. Sano easily ignored his puny struggle and hefted him up off the ground so he couldn't get any leverage.  
  
"Now we talk. Sano, could you carry him into an empty classroom?"  
  
"Sure, no problem." Sano grinned as he nudged open a door. The three disappeared in and there was a finalized click of the door lock.  
  
The hall was buzzing with rumors and speculation.  
  
It wouldn't take long for it to reach Okita. Tetsu didn't know if that was a good thing.  
  
He waited a moment for the hall to clear before sneaking over to put his ear to the door.  
  
"…You're exactly the kind of bad example I want him to stay away from!"  
  
"Me? Hardly. I think you need to look in the mirror. You're not very tolerant, you know. Are you racist and sexist too? Any more little phobias you'd like to disclose?" Heisuke continued, "Okita's hardly the worse thing that could happen to the boy, believe me."  
  
"I'm sure you would." Tatsu said darkly.  
  
"We miss the little guy." Sano chimed in, "Why does he have to go to public school now?"  
  
"Yes, I'd love to hear why exactly. Maybe I'm just way off the mark."  
  
There was a long, drawn-out pause before Tatsu said, "You were correct. There? Happy? Now let me out of here!"  
  
"So you won't change your mind?" Sano said sadly.  
  
"No!"  
  
Tatsu escaped and Tetsu felt his heart sink. This wasn't working. What could they do? What could he do? Tatsu was stubborn once he got an idea in his head.  
  
There was a loud crash and the doorknob jiggled. Before Tetsu could scramble back out of the way, Tatsu came storming out. Tetsu-in-the-headlights. That would be the next catch phrase.   
  
"Tetsu."  
  
Tetsu gulped, "Hey, fancy seeing you here."  
  
"Imagine that." Tatsu replied with soft sarcasm, "Do I even want to know? Do I Tetsu? Because I thought I made it very clear that you weren't to have any contact with these people."  
  
"What people?"  
  
"You people."  
  
Heisuke snorted, "You're being stereotypical again. Tsk, such a bad habit!"  
  
"Will you be quiet? I'm talking to my brother."  
  
Uh-oh, that tone was never a good thing. Never ever a good thing.  
  
"Tetsu, why are you here? Were my instructions not explicit enough, did you not understand them thoroughly, or are you knowingly disobeying my order?"  
  
Tetsu was a lot of unsavory things at times, but he wasn't a liar.  
  
"Screw you! I'm here because I want to be. Who give a fuck about your stupid rule? You you you! That's all you care about. What about what I want? It is my fucking life isn't it? And these are my friends!"  
  
"You hear that?" Heisuke preened, pleased.   
  
"I want to come back here. Now. I already talked to Hijikata and he said it was okay so long as you said yes."  
  
"Tetsu, you're making this sound like some sleep over! This will affect your whole life." Tatsu said slowly, "Is that what you really want?"  
  
"Well, it's here or jail."  
  
"Snack." Heisuke chirped helpfully and started singing the Oscar Meyer Wiener theme song. Sano joined in happily. They were making quite a duet when Shinpachi and Saito showed up. The third member of the trio rolled his eyes, but dutifully started humming.  
  
"Ah, the peanut gallery are fine singers." Okita remarked neutrally.  
  
Suddenly it seemed like everyone was there. Well, except Hijikata and Sannan.   
  
It seemed like it was now or never. If he let Tatsu win on this, what did that mean? That he was going to let his older brother rule his life? Or that even with support he was too weak to stand up for himself? Unacceptable.  
  
"Tatsu, listen to me." Tetsu said seriously, ignoring his friends and looking straight at his brother, "I don't know all of what is going on or why you're so freaked out, but this is my life. You can't live it for me! I'll put this simply: I want to go to this school." Tetsu paused to catch his breath and his anger. It wouldn't work, just exploding. He was going for mature here. Proving he could make his own decisions. If this didn't work, well, then he would do what Tatsu wanted, but he would never forgive his brother. "And no, I'm not going to make some fucked up promise to make you happy. I like Okita. I wouldn't want to lose him because you're being an ass."  
  
Tatsu looked stupefied and the peanut gallery was shocked into silence.  
  
Finally his older brother said slowly, "I think I get it now." He stopped before continuing a little louder, "I was being selfish and closed-minded. But I wasn't doing it on purpose. I think that what it comes down to is I want you to be happy. Yet I want you to be safe too. I want to protect you, and I see I can't do that very well without being smothering. I apologize to you and I apologize to everyone else."  
  
"Thank you!" Tetsu screeched and threw himself on his older brother, who flinched back then returned the hug a little more sedately.  
  
"Don't think I like it though." Tatsu warned, "Call it a probation."  
  
"Par-tee!" Heisuke announced gleefully and when Tatsu glared over he added, "Pizza and soda, calm down."  
  
The trio happily went clamoring down the hall to order some pizza. Saito gave a slight smile and nodded.  
  
"I should probably move my stuff back over, huh, roommate." Suzu grinned. Tetsu grinned back, "Uh huh."  
  
"I don't think that was quite approval to do this, but since your brother left to over see the trio…" Okita whispered, sliding his arm around Tetsu's waist. "That was some risk you took. What would you have done if he still said no?"  
  
"I would have been a good little boy and did whatever the fuck he wanted." Tetsu replied half sheepish and half annoyed. "He's my guardian."  
  
"You're so good." Okita teased, "Hijikata should pay more attention. You didn't have to add me in there. That didn't promote your case very well."  
  
"I know." Tetsu said, "But I wanted to and I felt like I had to."  
  
A/N: And this is just a note, but this is based off the anime, not the manga. I simply can't see PMK's Suzu working well in a hs setting OO Even as a goth or something... and yay! SL just told me Fifay has "Voice" out (and warned me it was sad, but I'm sitting here laughing. I love spoilers). She just has NO idea what goes on with "poor Akesato." Anyway, I should start posting reject scenes that didn't go into the chapter. Like the one with Saito trying to seduce Tatsu LMAO.   
  
Fyyrrose: Umm, why would I yell at you? You're in hell; I'm not - Thanks for the help with the alcohol-related stuff, but really, there's no need for suicide now! You're going to provoke some serious homicide instead... I still need a psycho face --' I skipped Thanksgiving, remember? I need to go back and write it ;; I just don't feel up to it after the lovely backlash in the manga (...must go watch anime) and Sannan. Yes, "relationship." I take no responsiblity for any love triangles either. "Candy" was great. I should post that "what kind of candy are you" test result snicker 


	9. Chapter Seven

  
Chapter Seven: November's Second Wednesday

* * *

Tetsu excitedly tossed the keys around with a wide grin. He was finally going to drive. Yes, drive. As in a car. A real car with four tires, a steering wheel, and that could get up past 15 mph. The roads would never be the same.  
  
Neither, apparently, would Ryouma.   
  
Despite his mishap with Okita, the crowbar, and shop class he was as eager as ever to get things started. Tetsu half-admired him. The other half was his brain telling him that there was nothing admirable about being suicidal. Even if it was only in fun and for kicks.  
  
"All righty boyos, ready for some fun?" He asked tossing a set of keys from hand to hand. Tetsu and Shinpachi's eyes followed each shiny arc will ill-concealed maniacal glee. Suzu was looking decidedly nervous.  
  
"Can I not just go in a different group? Study hall would benefit me better right now."  
  
Tetsu gave a toothy grin, "Forget to study keener?"  
  
"Absolutely not."  
  
"So you're chicken."  
  
"I am sane."  
  
Ryouma snorted and handed the keys over to the white haired freshman, "You first."  
  
Suzu gave him a hooded, flat stare that reminded Tetsu of a lizard. He'd have to ask Sano what kind of lizard had red eyes. An evil lizard maybe. An albino, evil lizard with red eyes.  
  
They piled in with the two students in the back and Ryouma in the front. He pointed out the ignition and then proceeded to explain how the key fit in the slot.  
  
"Yes, I am well aware of how to start and drive a car. I am only taking this course at my mother's insistence."  
  
"Momma's boy." Tetsu yipped and Shinpachi decked him with a reminder to respect the parental figure. So did that mean he had to respect Tatsu?  
  
Suzu was boring. Tetsu was practically snoring and drooling all over himself. Was it possible to actually go UNDER the speed limit? What was he, some kind of old lady? Geez, he even stopped for squirrels. No one needed squirrels. Running them over was population control. It was a necessary evil. Oh, and squirrels were worth five points a piece according to Ryouma. As for kids, so what if there was a cross walk there? It's not like they couldn't stop, look, and listen before crossing. If they didn't then who's fault was it when they got in the road?  
  
"Pull over." Ryouma requested and Mr. Perfectly Dull did it in a perfect, boring manner. "Iron Boy, you're up kid."  
  
Tetsu tumbled out as Suzu yanked the door open. Rubbing his head and cursing he jumped into the driver's seat. Eh, wasn't he supposed to check mirrors and adjust his seat? Well, damn, he didn't need to advertise that he was a shrimp. If he stretched he reached the petals just fine.   
  
Yanking the hand break off, why was that there anyway, he hit the gas. Swinging wide to go around the red pick-up he hit the open road. Well, it wasn't originally all that open, yet people were being nice and moving for him. If they didn't he had a handy horn to warn, um, ask nicely, that hey move their bumpers.  
  
"Could you stop driving like you are insane?" Suzu yelped as they took a sharp turn a little too fast. Hey, two wheels were still two wheels? What was the big deal anyway? Shinpachi and Ryouma weren't complaining.  
  
Mwahaha, whoever said squirrels were smart? Well, that one wasn't.  
  
At least there was one class he'd be getting an A in.  
  
He was just starting to get into it when this jerk cut him off.  
  
"ASSHOLE!" Tetsu screamed out his window. Suzu blanched and was clinging tightly to the door handle. Tetsu wouldn't suggest jumping out now. He'd just hit 50 mph… in a 25 mph zone.  
  
"Can you not…" Suzu choked as Tetsu swerved to cut the punk off, "Stop him? You are a legal, responsible adult."  
  
Ryouma dragged his head back in looking like a big, shaggy dog.  
  
"Relax. Iron Boy has great reflexes and awesome road rage. He'll do just fine on his driver's test." Ryouma reassured. "As long as he doesn't run any stop signs."  
  
"Hey teach, when's it my turn?" Shinpachi piped up. "Not that I'm not enjoying this little cruise."  
  
"Please, let him drive." Suzu pleaded grabbing the back of the teacher's seat with white knuckles.  
  
"Tetsu get it!" Shinpachi suddenly urged and Tetsu saw it. He was going for a record now. Five squirrels in five minutes. Of course, he had to go faster to get it. Never a problem.  
  
At the last second it escaped.  
  
Feeling cross from the loss of his wheels and that stupid furry rat, Tetsu tossed the keys to Shinpachi and dutifully climbed in the back seat. Well, it couldn't possibly be as boring as Suzu, right?  
  
Did he say as boring? Shinpachi was even worse. He followed every law to the letter. If the speed limit said 35 mph he went 35 mph, on the dot. Sicko.  
  
"Hey look! A raccoon. Aren't raccoons nocturnal."  
  
"Shincoon?" Suzu japed.  
  
Instantaneous results.  
  
Who knew that a beat up piece of rust could actually jump up 20 mph in 3 seconds? Suzu was the math whiz, but even Tetsu could tell that 10 seconds was about 60 mph.  
  
The raccoon, as if feeling impending doom driving down on it, screamed and ran… straight into a nice little neighborhood. It was one of those sickeningly nice places with neat little flowerbeds, wide streets, sidewalks, and large, shady trees.   
  
Okay, one less tree.  
  
The sort of place where dogs wandered around wagging their tails and women walked in "support" groups to lose weight. Fat asses. Too bad they were all tending their children and homes at the moment.  
  
Suzu tried to scream, but instead buried his face in his knees. Ryouma didn't seem inclined to stop the raging teen after his brake broke. Apparently he stomped down a little too hard and it snapped. Trust the school to have some cheap-ass equipment that put their lives in danger. Now Ryouma was being as helpful as he could, pointing out the poor raccoon's course through pristine lawns.  
  
"Watch out for the old lady!" Tetsu advised.  
  
WHOOSH. That was some quick moving. Too bad the wind backlash knocked her down anyway. Hopefully she wasn't one of those 'I've fallen and can't get up' types.  
  
"C'mere you damned little bugger from hell! You carrier of rabies and God knows what else! You eater of cute little kitties and small furries!" Shinpachi ranted as he swung left to cut the lumbering creature off. It screamed again and bolted up a tree. Unfortunately cars didn't climb.  
  
"Look, Officer Goro." Suzu remarked in a deadpan tone. "You think he'll give us a lift to the police station again?"  
  
As it turned out Hijikata was called straight to the site. And this time there was no Okita to run interference. Tetsu gulped.  
  
They waited patiently for the black sedan to drive up. Tetsu knew precisely which car belong to Hijikata. What for? No reason. None at all. Or at least that's what he was going to say when Tatsu asked next week.  
  
Hijikata's eyes were smoldering.   
  
He and the police officer exchanged some harsh words before he stomped up.  
  
Shinpachi, out of his blood lust, cringed back. Suzu sat there wordlessly. Tetsu gulped.  
  
Ryouma, never one for a sense of fear, walked right up and started explaining. Shinpachi cringed further. Maybe it would be better if Ryouma let him talk for himself. The older man was doing a fine job of incriminating the hapless senior.  
  
Ayunee stepped up behind them and asked softly, "Is anyone hurt?"  
  
"Naw, but I'm starting to wish I were comatose." Shinpachi whimpered, "Don't say 'Shincoon' anymore, okay?"  
  
"If I had known the effects of that word, I would not have said it." Suzu snapped. His face was almost the color of his hair and there were bloody crescents in his palms where the nails had dug in.  
  
Hijikata stomped back and scowled blackly.  
  
"It wasn't Souji." Ayunee pointed out.  
  
If anything that seemed to piss him off even more, "That is because Souji is making trouble back at school. We need to stop and get some chocolate on the way back."  
  
"You're going to bribe him?"  
  
"Try. Failing that I will simply catch and beat him." Hijikata threatened.  
  
"If you can." Tetsu bragged.  
  
Oops. Okay, mouth shut, check. No words coming out, check. All set.  
  
The ride back was uncomfortable to say the least. Ryouma had been left to deal with the tow truck for the school car. Hijikata was a thunderhead of bad karma. Shinpachi kept making little noises and glancing over at him. Suzu seemed to be in his own world.  
  
Once back at school Tetsu and Suzu were sent to their next class. Shinpachi was given the dubious fate of being invited into the lair of the Demon.   
  
Tetsu would find out what happened to the poor unfortunate later on, when he reported for his wonderfully enlightening duties of filing and doing coffee runs.  
  
"I will die young." Suzu sighed, "Before I graduate for sure."  
  
"That's so negative!" Tetsu smirked.  
  
"It is the truth. Something at this school will be the cause of my death."  
  
"Most likely not." Saito interjected mildly, sliding out from…well, wherever. "The spirits say that you will live for a good while more."  
  
"Wonderful. So I can live in torment longer."  
  
"Precisely."  
  
"I was being sarcastic."  
  
"I was aware of that." Saito remarked a mellow tone and added, "I was not."  
  
"I am going to take a nap." Suzu groaned, "Call it a mental health class. For my sanity."  
  
"Suzu's skipping!" Tetsu called after him. The day was turning out to be a good one all things considered.  
  
He wandered down the hall noticing Saito left.  
  
Not exactly noticing. You didn't really notice when he left. For all Tetsu knew he'd been gone since before Suzu strode off down the hall. Saito was creepy like that, but he was a nice guy.  
  
"No!"  
  
"You can't starve yourself when you eat jellybeans when you think no one's looking." Heisuke's unmistakable voice floated down from the vicinity of the biology lab. "It doesn't work."  
  
"Which is why he's stationed himself outside the lab with a weapon and a pig." Someone else chimed in.  
  
"Those could be Saizou's cousins. I can't allow you to cut them up."   
  
"Hey, I want to cut up little piggies." That was Sano.  
  
"How would you feel if they were cutting up sharks?"  
  
"Cool, we're cutting up sharks too?"  
  
Tetsu walked around the corner to pretty much what he expected: Okita barring the entrance to the biology lab with a bokken across his knees and Saizou in his lap. He didn't seem particularly perturbed that about twenty odd students were staring longingly at the door and the treasures promised.  
  
"You've done this every year for four years. I know that it didn't bother me last year or the year before or the year before that, but now I'm in biology II and I want to pass. Besides, pigs and humans aren't that different anatomy-wise." Heisuke said patiently, keeping his distance.  
  
"I have done this every year." Okita acknowledged, "Hijikata should be prepared to deal with me if he wants access to those poor pigs."  
  
"I'm sure he will be." Heisuke muttered and leaned against the wall, "But are you ready for him is the question."  
  
Sano, apparently still not getting the picture, tried to barrel in. "I want to have class."  
  
Okita leapt up holding Saizou in his face and growling, "That's cruel. Look. How could you do that to something so smart and cute?"  
  
Sano reached out with a broad grin, "Cool, they came in live?"  
  
Okita snatched his pet back with a fierce scowl.  
  
Sano continued on obliviously, "I want to feed the scraps to Bob. He'd like that."  
  
"Touch him and wake up in the hospital." Okita threatened, hugging the grunting piglet to his chest protectively.  
  
Sano jerked back, "Sheesh, a pig's a pig, but if you want that one so badly you can have him. Just do a good job."  
  
Heisuke walked up to his friend and remarked, "Do you want to die?"  
  
"What did I say? I was promised a pig to dissect and I want to do it." Sano replied stubbornly. "I want to do it now."  
  
Heisuke shrugged. "Fine, die. Do you want white or red flowers on your casket?"  
  
There were thumping footsteps coming down the hall. All the seniors shrunk back against the lockers. Heisuke and Sano wisely took a step back away from their unreasonable friend.  
  
"Souji."  
  
"And the battle commences." Heisuke said out of the side of his mouth as he sidled up next to Tetsu.  
  
"Souji." Hijikata repeated, this time putting more venom in his tone, "What are you doing?"  
  
Okita gave him a stubborn look.  
  
"Souji…" Hijikata growled in warning.  
  
That only earned him a pissy look.  
  
Whew, sometimes Okita's bravery scared even Tetsu.  
  
"I'm never speaking to you again." Okita declared.  
  
"Like last time." Hijikata retorted, unimpressed.  
  
Okita nodded.  
  
"That only lasted a week." Hijikata continued.  
  
Okita narrowed his violet eyes meaningfully, but chose to remain silent.  
  
"You cannot stay silent forever."  
  
"Don't try to be reasonable with the boy. He's beyond help." Heisuke advised.  
  
Hijikata raised an eyebrow, "I'll keep that in mind." He turned back to Okita, "Be serious."  
  
Then there was that finger gesture again. What DID it mean?  
  
Heisuke made this funny choking noise and snickered when Okita did it too. It had to mean something.  
  
"I thought you might be childish about this." Hijikata pulled out a chocolate sucker and dangled it just beyond Okita's reach. "Say please."  
  
Okita blew a raspberry, but his eyes never left the sucker dangling there.  
  
"So is your pride worth more than a sweet? It never has been before."  
  
Hijikata reached over just a little closer.  
  
"Wow, he came prepared. Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks." Heisuke smirked watching with a curiously disturbing glint in his eye. Tetsu didn't want to know what he was thinking about.  
  
Okita leaned forward slightly and a small smirk of triumph curled around Hijikata's mouth. Well, until a pair of strong jaws tried to clamp down on his muscular upper arm.  
  
"Damn it Souji!"  
  
Sano scratched his head, "Do you need rabies shots for humans?"  
  
"Maybe just immaturity shots." Someone muttered rebelliously from the side.   
  
Hijikata made a lunge for the senior, who darted out and into the open space of the hall. A devilish smirk was pasted on his features and his eyes twinkled wickedly. There was one boy would wasn't about to give up so easily. Not for sweets and not for Hijikata.  
  
"When I catch you—!" Hijikata snarled and Heisuke translated, "If he catches him—." Hijikata continued, "You will be sorry!" Heisuke chimed in, "Hijikata will be very sorry, demon or not."  
  
Sano, meanwhile, had noticed the unguarded door and decided to let himself into the lab.  
  
Perhaps sensing that the battle was on its first shaky step towards being lost, Okita paused. It was just enough that Hijikata could catch him by the collar.  
  
The man was red in the face with anger and effort.   
  
Okita twisted around as far as he could, "I'm sorry?"  
  
"I do not believe you."  
  
"Really sorry? With chocolate fudge and a red cherry on top?"  
  
Heisuke catcalled from the lab doorway, "I think he wants more than an apology. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pig to dice."  
  
Okita made a half-hearted lunge making the other senior duck back quickly. By then the rest of the biology class, including the teacher, had trooped in to salvage what was left of class.  
  
Hijikata stared down balefully at the squirming handful of Okita he had a hold of.  
  
Heisuke couldn't resist. His head popped around the corner with a lecherous grin, "He's been a bad boy. You spank him real hard now!"  
  
"Do you wish to share in his punishment?"  
  
The brown haired senior gave a slick, slightly nervous smile, "I'll have to pass on that one. Babe is calling my name. If I don't direct him, Sano will carve it up like pork loin." Sano's voice drifted out in a sing-song, well a demented sing-song, chanting baa-ram-ewe.  
  
Hijikata watched with satisfaction as Heisuke retreated, ignoring the easy banter drifting from the classroom. With the speed of a striking snake he whipped around to point at Tetsu.  
  
"Ichimura, do you not have class now?"  
  
Tetsu gulped. Why so he did. Class. Right.  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
"Yet you are not there."  
  
"I was distracted." Tetsu mumbled, looking at his feet.  
  
"I think he wants to you to go." Okita chirped helpfully with a wide smile. "You should go to class and learn things. So you won't turn out to be a juvenile delinquent like I am!"  
  
Hijikata sighed, "Ichimura, just go to class."  
  
Tetsu intended to go to class. Really he did. After that last glance over his shoulder at Okita would was being dragged backwards, happily waving and shouting out to people he knew, after Hijikata Tetsu started towards his history class. It was naptime. He didn't need a mental health day or whatever Suzu called it.  
  
"You seem to draw trouble to you." Saito observed and Tetsu jumped, clamping his hands over his mouth. When his heart stopped threatening to burst through his ribs he looked up and shivered.  
  
"So are you trouble?"  
  
The dark teenager blinked lazily, "Perhaps. If you would please come with me."  
  
Common sense was once again fighting the good fight. Too bad it was fated to lose.  
  
"So where are we going?"  
  
"My room."  
  
Tetsu stopped dead. It was one thing to go into the den of the Trio, or even the office of the Demon, but… this was Saito. There were probably stacks of bones plus all sorts of other spooky stuff. Tetsu was picturing a mad scientist laboratory, complete with floating eyeballs in eerie green fluid and weird electrical equipment.  
  
"Your—your room?"   
  
"Is there a problem?"  
  
"N…no."  
  
"You are positive?"  
  
Tetsu gathered his scattered wits, or tried to, but his pride responded before his brain could contemplate the words fully, "Of course I am! I'm not a chicken. I went into the Trio's room!"  
  
"A fascinating place." Saito remarked making no motion to agree or disagree with Tetsu's bluff.  
  
"Lead on!"  
  
Saito gave a slight inclination of his head making his long bang droop across his face. With a sketchy movement he was prowling ahead. Students who were wandering around shrank back or changed course, but Saito didn't seem to notice, or if he did he didn't care.  
  
"Here."  
  
Tetsu peered cautiously around the senior's slender form and frowned in disappointment. It looked just like his room. Well, mostly. Different decorations—everything was a sterile white—yet the same size and shape and everything. There were no eyeballs in jars at all. There was just a single wooden dresser and a single bed on one side of the room. The other side was filled with bookcases, which had books and items meticulously placed.  
  
"How boring." Tetsu sighed. He was expecting something drastic and creepy, like Saito. That looked like the kind of boring old room Suzu would have if Tetsu let him.  
  
"Yes." Saito agreed, "I spend very little of my waking hours here."  
  
"So, uh, what did you want?" Tetsu asked shoving his hands in his pockets.  
  
Saito stared at him with hooded eyes. More than anything they reminded Tetsu that he was the lowest creature on the food chain. Even if Saito didn't mean to actually eat him, he still wore the look that intended otherwise. It spoke of dominance and superiority. Like a full, relaxed snake before it suddenly strikes.   
  
Tetsu had seen Saito practice. He was easily as good as Okita, just not so personable. That, and he didn't seem to enjoy socializing. He was a ghost. A ghost who misted in and out of peoples' lives.  
  
What did Tetsu know about Saito? Nothing.  
  
"Wait one moment." Saito bade and disappeared through a small side door.  
  
Tetsu shrugged. He'd already missed most of class anyway. What was the harm in missing the rest of it? Let the Demon punish him. Hopefully after punishing Shinpachi and Okita he would let it slide. Not likely. Nope, not a bloody chance. Well, screw that.  
  
Tetsu poked at the books on the shelf. Why did everyone have books? Hijikata, Sannan, the Trio (although admittedly it was hard to think of Marvel comics as books), Suzu, and even Ayunee. What good were books anyway? Reading was boring and stupid and a waste of time. He didn't see how Heisuke could always have his nose in a book.  
  
Glancing at a title he decided he really didn't want to know about talking to dead people. What was this? Some cheap horror/humor film? I see dead people.  
  
Saito ghosted back out with something in his hand, "If you would please give this to your roommate."  
  
"Suzu? Sure I guess." Tetsu said accepting the small, light package. So even Saito invoked the senior right to make use of the freshmen errand boy service.  
  
He glanced around for a clock. Failing to locate one he asked, "What time is it?"  
  
Saito glanced over, "Time is irrelevant."  
  
"You're always in class on time." Tetsu thought about it, "And when we go out your always exactly on time."  
  
"One must conform to a certain degree." Saito remarked blandly.  
  
And Tetsu took that as his cue to leave for once. Even without the eyeballs, the white, sterile room was giving him the wiles.  
  
Staring down at the thing he was supposed to deliver, he couldn't resist. Pulling up a flap he was surprised when something black and fast whipped towards his eyes. He jerked back, dropping the box.  
  
A small, black kitten tumbled it. It's eyes were still a murky blue—not quite green yet. Hissing and spitting, it glared at him fearlessly.  
  
"Ack! Roadkill's alive!" Tetsu screamed. He knew Saito was a bit… well, psychotic and eccentric, but practicing voodoo stuff? Suzu would get one hell of a grade if he brought in a live cat that used to be a stuffed animal. The beast even had a kinked tail where Tetsu had accidentally dumped his textbooks on it! "Get it away! I don't want to be bitten by a zombie cat!"  
  
Apparently no one wanted to save him from sure zombification.   
  
"You stay back!" Tetsu ordered, shaking the discarded box at the monster. It snarled back at him. Dead things had no need for fear! He would simply have to dismember it! That was the only way he could remember that would be a sure-fire way to kill it. Or was it? He was getting confused. What if he chopped it up and it reformed? Then he'd really have made it pissed. "Bad kitty, bad kitty!"  
  
The kitten spat again and Tetsu fancied that he saw a wicked, evil gleam in those beady eyes. It was going to jump!  
  
"Tetsu, what are you doing?"  
  
Tetsu slowly lowered the box and looked over his shoulder at Tatsu. His older brother was not looking amused in the slightest, oh no, wait, that was his normal expression. Never mind then.  
  
"I was going to vanquish the zombie cat!" Tetsu said and pointed… pointed at air. "Where'd it go?"  
  
"Tetsu."  
  
Oh no, it was one of those tones.  
  
"You are supposed to be in class."  
  
"Um, I was on my way?"  
  
"You were on your way to class, but were ambushed by a zombie cat?" Why did that sound stupid?  
  
"Uh, yeah, something like that. I'm going now! Maybe you scared it away. Just be careful it doesn't take revenge on you!" Tetsu yelled as he darted past his slower big brother.   
  
Class? Nope. He was going to take a nap in his room.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! It's here. Get away from it Suzu!"  
  
Suzu and the evil undead on his lap looked at him with identical expressions of indifference. The white haired boy sighed, Tetsu thought it might be the 'you are so stupid it's beyond my comprehension' sigh, and asked, "What? This is my kitten. I rescued her from under the dumpster out back."  
  
"Roadkill!"  
  
"She would have been if I left her out there." Suzu agreed.  
  
"No, it's your stuffed animal, Roadkill!"  
  
Another sigh. This one must be, 'why do I have to live with this idiot.' Well, the idiot was going to save his pathetic life. Becoming a zombie was a painful experience.  
  
"Tetsu, I am going to take a nap. My kitten will sleep right here on the bed with me. I promise she will not go anywhere. Does that calm you?"  
  
Noooooooooooooooo, not really.  
  
"Uh, that's cool I guess. I have class so I'll see you."  
  
What was with all the freaky pets? There was a bunch of piranhas, a walking side dish, and now a zombie cat. What next? A bigass spider or a scorpion? Tetsu shuddered and walked a bit faster. Never.  
  
A/N: Dang it. Okay, I should be able to finish Thanksgiving and Christmas soon --' I hope. Updates will be choppy (which kills anal lil' ol' me).  
  
MissBehavin: It's not evil, it's call self-preservation I actually had a few more scenes that went with the plan, but I think they might be a little bit too mean. Especially the part with Susumu. Or weird, like with Saito. Yoshida was totally clueless ;; Fyyrrose wanted me to do something along the lines of the "cow conversation" from Drifter. Tatsu just needs to realize that he isn't always right. The boy's so single-minded! Take OFF the blinders for just a moment there. 


	10. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight: Thanksgiving  
  
"That old hag." Shinpachi griped, blowing gingerly on his blistered palms. His usually wild hair was matted down with sweat and a light sunburn covered his face. Giving up on his hands he leaned back, "She's trying to work me to death, I know it. She hates me."  
  
"She does have fairly good reason." Suzu pointed out reasonably. "You DID try to run her over with the school car."  
  
"I was going to the raccoon." Shinpachi muttered, "She just got in the way. It's not like I hurt the old biddy."  
  
Suzu, Tetsu, Sano, and Shinpachi were all in the school kitchen, waiting for their food to finish baking. The term food could only loosely be attached to the lumps of dough that Sano churned out. Most of it landed on either the ceiling or his short companion, who didn't seem to notice at all. As for Tetsu's, well, he wasn't going to actually let any of it near his mouth. Even if he didn't set it on fire this time. Apparently bachelorhood was going to be a bit hard on him, but that was why they made instant noodles and frozen tv dinners.  
  
"All you have to do is rake leaves, right? That's not hard." Tetsu yawned. This bitching session could go on and on. If he were particularly motivated and clever he would distract the short senior. Being neither of the above he blinked unsympathetically and gave his measuring cups a half-hearted scrub.  
  
"Rake and bag the damn things. She only has five huge trees and they dump a ton of leaves on the ground. Oh, and there are spiders. Lots of spiders. I hate spiders; they scare me."  
  
"Really?" Sano blinked and made a small 'o' with his mouth. "Then maybe I shouldn't tell you about my tarantula hidden in the closet by Heisuke's doujinshis."  
  
"You better be kidding." Shinpachi blanched.  
  
"Why would I do that? I meant to tell you when I got him, but I forgot. He's an early present to me." Sano said, scratching his head, "Would you like to meet him after class? He's really pretty nice. I named him Webber."  
  
"Sano." Shinpachi moaned, "Please tell me you're kidding! Does Heisuke know about him?"  
  
"Yeah. I didn't know he could scream that loud. He sounded like a little girl."  
  
Tetsu really regretted missing that little moment.  
  
Now he wanted to see the spider! Behind glass of course. Thick, safe, uncracked glass that the spider couldn't jump through and latch onto his throat, draining the blood out of his body. Yeah. A few yards' distance couldn't hurt any either. Still, Webber sounded awesome.  
  
"Sano, get rid of it." Shinpachi urged, "Get rid of it or we're throwing you out. The fish were okay. They don't—don't crawl around on hairy, thick legs or have sharp, big fangs or fat, rotund bodies—just get rid of him."  
  
"He was so lonely." Sano protested.  
  
"I bet he's cool." Tetsu opined.  
  
"Sounds like a snack for my kitten. She likes eating spiders." Suzu remarked, pulling his cookies from the oven. "Besides, you cannot throw him out. Not without Hijikata's direct approval."  
  
"Great." Shinpachi said, rolling his eyes. "Sano, just get rid of it."  
  
"No." Sano replied, crossing his arms across his chest stubbornly. "I'll just move out."  
  
Shinpachi snorted and shook his head skeptically, "Where would you go?"  
  
Sano thought about it before turning to Tetsu, "Puppy likes Webber." He considered it a second longer, "Can I stay with you guys?"  
  
"Absolutely not." Suzu interjected. "No. Not while that is my dorm as well."  
  
"Hardass." Tetsu snorted. As much fun as he found Sano, he figured the big guy could get rather… well, he took up space and he snored… loudly. Plus, this would break up the Trio. Still, the freshman couldn't help giving his roommate a hard time. It was almost like it was a natural reaction programmed into him. He had to contradict Suzu, no matter what.  
  
Shinpachi sighed, "Let me see that… thing and we'll talk, okay?"  
  
Sano nodded in agreement and offered a black lump, "Cookie?"  
  
The rest of the class was rather unorganized, but there were no emergencies and disasters. Amazingly, it was a rare occurrence. The original teacher had taken leave due to pregnancy and their new sub. was a rather crazy, familiar guy. He tended to do more damage to the kitchen than the students actually. Tetsu learned a very important lesson: flour and heat mixed together was very dangerous. A big no-no. At least Okita wasn't in the class.  
  
After the class ended Sano started begging and dragging his smaller companion towards the Trio's dorm.  
  
Suzu smirk and mouthed to Tetsu, "This I have to see."  
  
Was it just him, or was the white haired freak getting a bit… vicious? He certainly was getting a bit more… sad… sadisc… sadistic! Yeah.  
  
The two freshmen hung around the door, not quite willing to go in where a giant spider might be lurking. Tetsu superstitiously checked the ground and walls every once in a while. No escapist spider was going to sneak up on him, no way.  
  
"What is that!" Suzu exclaimed, pointing to Tetsu's shoulder and jumping back slightly.  
  
"What what what?" Tetsu shrieked and danced around swatting at all available body parts in a frenzy. "Where? Kill it kill it kill it!" He wailed.  
  
"There was nothing there." Suzu said, leaning against the wall calmly. Bastard! He didn't even look like he enjoyed giving Tetsu a near-fatal heart attack.  
  
Shinpachi looked over, "What are you wussies so nervous about? Why don't you stop loitering in the door and come in."  
  
Suzu shrugged and slid into the room, still keeping a good distance between himself and the rooting Sano. Tetsu was a little less cautious. He walked in and seated himself on one of Heisuke's favorite chairs to see the action.  
  
"Here he is!" Sano exclaimed and Shinpachi gave a nervous little gulp before saying, "You had to find him? Please tell me it was because you lose everything and not because he was wandering around freely in our closet."  
  
Sano turned around with a small plastic container. It was furnished with dirt and a few bare twigs. There was gelled water and a few crickets. Unfortunately, there wasn't the main attraction.  
  
"Uh—Sano, where IS the spider?" Suzu said, edging towards the door slightly.  
  
Sano blinked and stared into the clear plastic container in confusion. He looked at it from all angles before shrugging and saying, "He must have escaped."  
  
"E-sca-ped?" Shinpachi stuttered and turned paler than he already was. "What do you MEAN?! Sa-no! Why did you bring it home! You're worse than a person who brings in bums off the street. At least you can't LOSE them!"  
  
"I didn't lose him. I left him right here." Sano retorted, holding up the empty container to remind them all that a giant spider was loose in the room.  
  
"I suppose we should find it." Suzu said sensibly, "Unless, of course, you wish to have it crawl over you in your sleep."  
  
Shinpachi's eyes widened at that thought and he started looking at the floor. "No, I'd rather wake up with Heisuke in my bed than a spider."  
  
"Glad you think so highly of me." Heisuke remarked, ignoring the freshman and flopping down on his bed.  
  
"Heisuke, don't do that! Sano's pet escaped! He could be crawling around your bed right now!" Shinpachi panicked.  
  
"I didn't know fish could crawl." Heisuke retorted sharply and put the pillow over his head.  
  
Shinpachi grabbed the back of his shirt and dragged him off the bed forcefully, "Not the damn fish!"  
  
"Hmm, let me go!" Heisuke whined, "I want a nap. And I could arrange waking up in your bed if you don't stop bugging me." He struggled out of the smaller boy's grip, but Shinpachi wrapped himself bodily around him and started hauling backwards.  
  
"The spider Heisuke!" Shinpachi shouted in his ear, "It's running around loose!"  
  
"Wha- SHIT!" Heisuke yelped in surprised and let go of his resistance. The two tumbled back in a heap of limbs. While they were untangling Heisuke was shouting, "Sano! You promised it would stay locked up! And you said it would be in the cage in the closet, so I wasn't to tell Shinpattsan! Now it's somewhere in this room?"  
  
"By now it could be out of the room." Suzu added helpfully.  
  
"We should warn the students!" Tetsu yelled. "It could be anywhere!" He stopped to think about that and grinned evilly. There were a few places he would love for it to go.  
  
Needless to say that between the trio and Tetsu, it didn't take long to start up a mass hysteria spider hunt. And that said, it didn't take that long for a very grumpy demon to come investigate.  
  
"What is it." Hijikata asked, looking annoyed, "There must be a reason that you people around running around like paranoid SWAT team members looking for a bomb."  
  
"Sano's tarantula got out."  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"Uh, yeah?"  
  
"And that constitutes a mass spider hunt that involves most of the student body." Hijikata said, making their actions sound completely stupid. Well, Tetsu wasn't discouraged. They needed to find that spider!  
  
"Absolutely. Webber must be terrified, all alone in a new place." Sano remarked firmly.  
  
"Harada, you are aware that spiders do not care."  
  
"Yes they do! They have feelings too!"  
  
"I will not argue with you. Obviously you and Souji are just blinded. Animals are on this earth to be used as food, not pets. Spiders and pigs do not have feelings."  
  
"Saizou does too have feelings!" Okita protested, jumping the older man and yanking his ponytail sharply. He nimbly pranced out of reach and stuck his tongue out as Hijikata tried to put his hair back in place. "You're just too selfish to realize that pigs are people too."  
  
"Souji, we had an agreement. Actually, Harada, we had one too. The two of you were supposed to keep your pets under control at all times." Hijikata glared at them equally, "Now, the fish are rather confined, but I do not remember approving a spider."  
  
"I was going to ask." Sano replied, lifting up a heavy desk and setting it down with a thud.  
  
"Yeah, after you graduated." Shinpachi grumbled.  
  
"No, right before Christmas." Sano replied honestly. "He was supposed to be my Christmas present to myself."  
  
"And that makes it all better." Shinpachi said with a sigh. A Christmas present to oneself sounded like a pretty good idea actually. Tetsu would have to remember that.  
  
Hijikata ignored the banter between the two and looked towards Suzu, "I suppose Yoshida has approved your cat. I personally have no problem with that animal. I have not heard any complains and it seems to remain under your control. Just make sure it stays that way."  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
"I am going back to my office. Let me know when you find the thing." Hijikata commanded.  
  
"Of course." Heisuke replied smoothly, "Immediately."  
  
"And if you never find it?" Suzu asked.  
  
"Then poor Webber was simply swallowed by the depths of this hell. It can't be helped." Heisuke replied with mock sadness and earned a hard punch from Sano. Heisuke rubbed his shoulder, "It's the truth."  
  
"What's going on?" Tatsu asked, walking up cautiously. He pointed to them, "What did you do?"  
  
Tetsu jerked back and growled, "Why do you think I did anything?"  
  
"Because it's always you." Tatsu replied. "Hijikata looked very irritated, and he usually looks like that after you've played a prank."  
  
"I didn't do it! Honest." Tetsu said, being unfairly accused. There was no way in hell this was his fault in any way, shape, or form. He was about to give Tatsu a piece of his mind when his mouth froze in terror.  
  
"There it is." Suzu said blandly, looking eerily similar to Saito when he was predicting something about the dead.  
  
"There what is?" Tatsu grouched and Heisuke started laughing. It wasn't a nice laugh. It was more like a slightly edged, hysterical laugh when something was funny, but it really wasn't. Tatsu gave his patented big brother glare, "What?"  
  
"A… a…!" Tetsu sputtered and Okita decided to help, "Ah, Tatsu, you have a very large spider sitting on your shoulder. I suggest you don't move."  
  
Sano lumbered up happily and advised, "Don't scream, whatever you do. It scares them. They're very sensitive to vibrations and when you scream they get scared. When they get scared they bite."  
  
Tatsu looked at them like they were all speaking Swahili.  
  
"Sano, tell me that thing is harmless."  
  
Sano cocked his head in confusion and said, "What?"  
  
"It's not poisonous, is it?"  
  
"Dunno."  
  
"You don't know!" Shinpachi yelped, "You bring this big spider that could probably kill someone and you DON'T know!"  
  
"Now now Shinpattsan, calm down. After all, it's not on your shoulder, so I don't know what you're worried about." Heisuke soothed.  
  
By that time Tatsu had cautiously craned his head towards his left shoulder. All the blood drained out of his face and he bit his lip, making small whimpering noises.  
  
"I'll catch it." Sano said confidently. Despite his warning that loud noises scared the spider, he didn't seem inclined to lower his naturally booming voice. The closer he got to Tatsu the more the guy shook. Tetsu felt sorry for his poor brother. Now that he could see the spider he decided it was pretty good size. You could use it for a softball almost. "Just. Don't. Move. Okay?"  
  
Tatsu gave a slight nod.  
  
"Gotcha!" Sano shouted and lunged. The spider gathered its legs and managed a hasty escape. At the same time Tatsu dropped into a dead faint, just barely missing being trampled by the focused Sano.  
  
It sailed through the air and hit the ground with a squishy plop. Regaining wits and legs quickly the little beast bolted. With all eight legs scuttling overtime, the arachnid was doing its best to leave its pursuers behind and find a safe place. If it had known America was such a scary, brutal place it would have never hitched a ride in with the crates of bananas. Apparently illegal aliens weren't very welcome.  
  
"Catch it!" Shinpachi urged, keeping his distance. It was rather surprising that the runty senior was easily outpacing his taller companions. Which didn't really help, since he stayed two yards to the side of the fleeing spider, shouting.  
  
Suzu, jogging along in the back, muttered, "And how ironic is this? That a group of boys are chasing a spider down the halls of school, which they do not want to actually catch, yet cannot seem to let out of their sight for fear it will come after them later."  
  
"Aaaaaaaaah! It disappeared!" Shinpachi wailed from up ahead. Suddenly it seemed like no one wanted to get there. Not when it was out of sight.  
  
"Sano do something!" Shinpachi demanded when they all caught up. He was trying his hardest to shake the big senior.  
  
"What do you want me too do?" Sano demanded, looking crushed that his pet was gone. "He doesn't come like a dog."  
  
Heisuke brushed his companions off and remarked, "At least we know it's not in our room anymore."  
  
Shinpachi loosened his hold, still not appeased and retorted caustically, "Who knows where that thing will go."  
  
Heisuke smiled and offered gallantly, "Don't worry about it Shinpattsan. If you're really that scared I'll sleep with you."  
  
Shinpachi gave a hood expression, "Don't you have a dinner to go to?"  
  
"But of course." Heisuke said innocently, "Don't you?"  
  
Shinpachi's eyes narrowed, "I hate that old hag. Where does she get off ordering me to have Thanksgiving with her?"  
  
"Oh come on. The old lady's just lonely. You should be nicer to her." Heisuke protested, rubbing the back of his head, "Show some charm."  
  
"Why don't you lend me some."  
  
Heisuke ignored that bit of sarcasm, turning to Tetsu, "What are you doing for dinner?"  
  
Tetsu sat there for a good minute. He had to think about it. Just what were he and Tatsu going to do? Usually Thanksgiving meant a cheeseburger at some local, little stand. Tatsu's last attempt at turkey had been somewhat edible and successful… except for little things. Tetsu would never look at drumsticks the same way, ever. It was because of that little incident the take-out tradition was adopted by the Ichimura brothers.  
  
"Umm, nothing." Tetsu said and Heisuke turned to Okita, "No wonder the boy's so skinny. He doesn't get Thanksgiving dinner."  
  
Okita smiled apologetically, "I do need to get dressed for my dinner. You guys have a good evening, okay?"  
  
Heisuke watched the senior's retreating back, "How cold. He didn't even invite you."  
  
"Why would you offer to drag someone in the middle of a battle field?" Shinpachi commented, noticing Tetsu's slightly hurt look. He gave a sly smile of vicious glee, "Ayunee better put the kitchenware up."  
  
"Yeah, we wouldn't want another hospital visit." Sano chimed in.  
  
"Dare I ask?" Suzu asked.  
  
Sano took it on himself to explain, "Apparently Okita and Susumu got in a fight, but Hijikata tried to break it up, and no one was listening, so he got in the middle of it too. She had to use a frying pan to stop them."  
  
"Have any of you hear of the term rhetorical?" Suzu grumbled, looking slightly disturbed by the short story.  
  
Tetsu didn't know what that was, but it sounded insulting.  
  
Heisuke looked pensive, "You and Tatsu could come to dinner with me."  
  
Shinpachi gave a sly grin, "You forgot something Heisuke. Don't you have to ask permission of the host first?"  
  
"I believe that it would be perfectly fine with me if Tetsu and Tatsu joined us for dinner. Isn't that part of the holidays? Being together." Sannan remarked mildly.  
  
Heisuke ventured and pointed to Sannan's left hand, "And by being together, I hope you don't mean him."  
  
Sannan blinked.  
  
"Uh, I don't think he'd like mashed potatoes."  
  
"Only blood." Sano nodded in agreement.  
  
"Your pet." Sannan said, holding a very quiet Webber in his palm like a baby chick. The spider had dust all over it, but it looked intact. Spiders had ten legs, right? Wait, nope, two of them must be fangs. Sano took him back, placing him in his home and securing the lid tightly. Sannan smiled, "He's surprisingly nice. He didn't even try to bite me. I found him keeping my betta company on my desk."  
  
Suzu grumbled under his breath from beside Tetsu, "And if I walked in to find a spider that big on my desk, I think I would smash it with my betta bowl."  
  
"Ditto to that." Heisuke chuckled.  
  
"You boys are welcome to join us." Sannan reiterated, looking at Tetsu, "I promise the food will be edible and nothing too weird."  
  
"Er, I have to ask Tatsu." Tetsu said, scratching the back of his head with his stubby fingers. Free food was appealing and this WAS Sannan, so nothing too bad would happen. Besides, Tatsu liked Sannan. So maybe he'd say yes.  
  
"I'll go ask!" Heisuke yipped and dashed off. If Tetsu were a little sharper he would have noticed that Heisuke was acting like a kindergartener who had just asked over a bunch of friends to play. As it was, his only thought was that he hoped the potatoes weren't too lumpy.  
  
"And what are you doing Nagakura?" Sannan asked kindly.  
  
Shinpachi slouched and made a face, "Eating with Missus Kim, but she won't let me cook."  
  
"You could invite her." Sano said rather sensibly, hand protectively over the cover of Webber's cage. It wasn't like the thing was going to get out.  
  
"We wouldn't mind another cook." Sannan nodded, "Would you like to use my phone to call?"  
  
Shinpachi sighed, "I guess you guys want to met her. Who am I to fight the inevitable?"  
  
The three walked off in the direction of Sannan's office, and Tetsu was struck by a thought. What was he supposed to wear to dinner? The vague memories he had of holiday dinners involved a strict dress code (which Tetsu and his father did their best to thwart). He had long since grown out of that old suit and since money was so tight, Tatsu hadn't had the chance to drag him out and buy a new one.  
  
Giving up on that, he dug out a (relatively) clean pair of khaki pants and a loose polo shirt. It was the best he could do.  
  
There was a slight knock and Tatsu's head poked around the corner. He sighed in relief and commented, "At least you look presentable. We need to get you another suit."  
  
"Uh-huh." Over Tetsu's unconscious body.  
  
"It was really nice to be invited to dinner. I hope you remember your please and thank yous." Glare, "You better."  
  
"I will." Tetsu retorted, "I have manners."  
  
Tatsu sighed in defeat, "Let's just go, okay?"  
  
"I do!" Tetsu insisted.  
  
Sannan's house wasn't nearly so big as Kondou's, but it was a little further out of the city and sat on a decent sized lot. To the side of the house was a small pasture and barn. A pair of brown horses peered mildly over the gate and a goat stuck it's head out between the slates between them.  
  
A woman came out from the barn with a good-sized lassie at her heels. The dog stared at them for a moment before growling.  
  
"Hush." The woman commanded and the dog stopped. That didn't mean it relaxed or stopped staring at their throats.  
  
There was brief flurry of introductions, which Tetsu largely ignored.  
  
"Trinket, go get Saya." Akesato told the vicious lassie. The collie gave one last reproving glare at the intruders before loping off.  
  
The blond woman turned towards them and explained, "Saya's about Tetsu's age. She doesn't speak, but she understands people quite well. She's really a very sweet girl. Trinket's her dog and very protective."  
  
Uh-huh.  
  
Another car pulled up the gravel lane with a very disgruntled Shinpachi behind the wheel. He disembarked with the grace of a one-footed turtle and clopped over to the other side to let out the most… wrinkled old lady Tetsu had ever seen in his short like. The lady was just one mass of wrinkly, floppy skin! She looked like one of those funny Chinese dogs. Her chin even had an overbite and her eyes were sharp.  
  
She said something to Shinpachi and he glowered, but obediently followed her as she strode up. She had a cane with her, but the only thing she seemed inclined to use it for was occasionally prodding Shinpachi with the tip of it.  
  
"Introduce us boy!" She ordered, giving him a sharp jab to the ankle. "And be quick about it. This cold wind is messing up my hair."  
  
Tetsu wondered if she had hair under the big hat that flopped over her forehead. He stared and found that there were stray wisps of gray that floated like a static halo around the edges.  
  
Shinpachi moved away from the cane's reach and said, straightening his back and looking blankly over their heads, "This is Missus Kim Taylor. Missus Kim, there are some of my classmates and one of my vice principals and his family."  
  
Heisuke gave a slick smile that he seemed to reserve solely for new acquaintances and butted in, "My name is Heisuke Toudou and we've heard quite a bit about you Missus Kim."  
  
The old lady gave a bark that Tetsu supposed was a laugh and retorted, "I'm sure you have. What has this little disrespectful runt been saying about me? It can't be that nice. I just wonder if it's any worse than what he says to my face."  
  
"Shinpachi!" Heisuke cried while Sannan fixed the short senior with a stern look, "Nagakura…"  
  
He didn't defend himself or look the slightest bit ashamed about the accusation.  
  
"I apologize for his rude behavior." Sannan started and the old lady broke in waving her hand, "The boy is old enough to take responsibility for his own actions. It's not your fault he's a sullen brat. You must be his teacher?"  
  
"Of sorts." Sannan offered, adjusting his glasses, "Where are my manners? My name is Keisuke Yamanami and this is my wife Akesato. Our foster daughter Saya is right there with her dog."  
  
"It is a pleasure to meet all of you." Amy beamed, crinkling up her face even more. She looked at the brothers, "And you two are?"  
  
"Tatsu Ichimura, and this is my younger brother Tetsu, ma'am." Tatsu said with a respectful bow. He tried to drag Tetsu down with him, but the younger boy twisted away.  
  
"Oh-ho, a polite one." She chortled, then fixed Tetsu was a shrewd look, "And a not-so-polite one. Perhaps you've been taking lessons from your friend over there." She jerked a finger in the direction of Shinpachi, who had moved away from her.  
  
Tetsu scuffled his foot in the dust and narrowed his eyes. Adults didn't like it very much when he talked back and Tatsu would surely do something, probably going as far as to shift into "prevention" mode.  
  
Aw, to hell with it. He would say whatever he wanted.  
  
"Tatsu's polite enough for the both of us. It's sickening. Don't you get tired of being kissed up to? Bah."  
  
She looked vastly amused by this statement, "My dear, when you're as old as I am, you CRAVE people kissing up to you. It's a potent form of validation."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You need to feel worth it." She simplified. "When you get older your outlook on life changes vastly. Besides, politeness will never serve you false."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"You'll learn, or not. If you don't, you'll find life will be far more difficult. Just don't piss off three people: your postal person, your secretary, and your waitress. They'll screw you every time."  
  
Tetsu decided he liked the cantankerous old woman. Shinpachi just looked relieved that she had shifted her sights off him. He slipped off with Akesato to the kitchen.  
  
There was a slight tug on his shirt sleeve and he looked over at the girl.  
  
"Oh, hi. You're Saya right?"  
  
She nodded shyly.  
  
"Oh, heh." He grinned, "I'm Tetsu. Living here must be pretty cool, huh."  
  
Saya gave him a small smile and Tetsu continued, "I bet living with Sannan is really cool too. He's really nice."  
  
If Tetsu had realized that he had an audience, he might have been a little more stand-offish. But as it was, he was just enjoying a peer's company. A peer who didn't mind his big mouth or his odd notions and seemed amused by his jokes. Really, what more could one ask for?  
  
"Wow, he really hit it off." Heisuke commented idly to his fellow watcher. "You going to freak out now that he's consorting with the opposite sex?"  
  
"Haha, very funny."  
  
"You find it preferable. Well, if I recall, you moved Tetsu to an all-boys to avoid this situation. I think that's deplorable. The boy needs to experiment a bit."  
  
"Tetsu is not old enough to… do those things." Tatsu trailed off uncomfortably.  
  
Heisuke grinned, "What things? Kiss? Oh no, too late for that. I'm 100% sure he's still a virgin. You look so worried!"  
  
"I am worried." Tatsu replied stiffly, "He's a teenage boy."  
  
"You're not much older you know. Just because you're out of high school. When's the last time you went to a party or went out with a girl?"  
  
"I don't have to answer that."  
  
"Exactly!" Heisuke preened, "I think it's time you stop running your brother's life and start ruining your own!"  
  
"You meant running, right."  
  
"Not a chance. I meant ruining. As in screwing up, making mistakes, being daring. Live a little will you? What sort of example are you right now?"  
  
Tatsu looked thoughtful at that last remark, but didn't say anything as Heisuke excused himself to the kitchen.  
  
Somehow Tetsu ended up sitting between Tatsu and Missus Amy. The old woman had corralled Shinpachi and Heisuke across from her.  
  
"So, Shinpattsan's being a bit of a pain?" Heisuke prompted with a devilish grin after they said grace. The short senior squirmed at the mild glances.  
  
"A bit? My boy, I've never met such a rude young man. Now mind you, I've met quite a few in my younger days, yet I rarely get out of the house nowadays. I was beginning to believe it was just the youth of today."  
  
"Hmm, he must have been really awful. Well, on behalf of him and in no way in his defense, I apologize for his behavior. He shouldn't take his inability to handle stress out on the people around him."  
  
"What! You are my stress! If anything the old bid- er, Missus Kim should be blaming you!" Shinpachi squawked indignantly.  
  
Tetsu gaze between them before saying, "Then why do you live with him?"  
  
"Oh-ho, an honest boy." Missus Kim chuckled, "Boy, you've put some pieces in the puzzle. I like you. What was your name again? I'm afraid my old memory is rather selective. It doesn't have room to store as much trash as it used to."  
  
"Er, Tetsu?" He said, blinking. Was her liking him a good thing?  
  
"I just don't see how, with such polite friends, he turned out that way." Missus Kim said mockingly.  
  
"Well, that's just because Tetsu and I are the cream of the crop." Heisuke winked, "Sano has the manners of a mule and Okita just can't seem to know when to quit. A tragic flaw if I've ever seen one."  
  
"Yes, it sounds very troublesome. I hope the child has a personality that smoothes it over a bit. My late husband always got into trouble then wiggled right back out with a bright smile and his fingers crossed behind his back."  
  
"Smart man."  
  
"Too smart for his own good I'm afraid. We were separated in the most horrible way."  
  
"Is it too painful…?"  
  
"Painful? For him I suppose. Especially with all that buckshot. Never cheat on a woman who knows how to use a rifle. And don't expect to wiggle out when you've been caught being a total ass."  
  
"I hope you didn't kill him." Tatsu said stiffly, scooting his chair over slightly.  
  
"Oh no, I let his stupidity do that for me. A week after we divorced he was smashed by a trailer because he tried some silly shortcut to fix a flat. He never did have the luck with machines. You can't manipulate them like you do people you know."  
  
"Manipulation is a skill that I unfortunately do not possess." Heisuke said, regretfully shaking his head. Shinpachi muttered under his breath, "Sure you don't."  
  
"You're better off for it boy. You just remember that intelligence is not a synonym for commonsense. You'll live a lot longer. Take it from the old lady."  
  
"What if you don't have either?" Tetsu asked, thinking of Sano.  
  
"Well, then you better be damn lucky!"  
  
Shinpachi snorted.  
  
Heisuke made a face at him then turned saying, "I can't do anything with him. I'm trying to teach him to be civil, but it's a losing battle sometimes."  
  
Shinpachi, who was taking the gravy from Saya, made an indignant noise. There was one brief moment where there was bated breath as the hot substance slipped out of his hands. The silence was broken by a very heartfelt scream and every guy in the room, including Tatsu, winced in sympathy.  
  
With a very still mask, Heisuke purposefully grabbed his napkin, which had caught some of the gravy, and set it aside. Then he grabbed Shinpachi's and started dabbing without a word.  
  
"I'm sorry…"  
  
"What a low thing to do." Missus Amy sniffed, "Scorching the poor boy in his lap. Disgusting."  
  
"But I didn't…"  
  
"Nagakura, I believe you owe Heisuke a sincerely apology." Sannan reprimanded sharply, looking slightly angry.  
  
"It was an accident! Doesn't anyone believe me?" Shinpachi pleaded, truly look sorry.  
  
"I knew you could be spiteful, but really, I was just telling the truth." Heisuke said coldly, smacking away his hand when he tried to help. He reached up, grabbed a handful of potatoes, and smashed them in Shinpachi's face. "So you won't have any grounds to protest this!"  
  
Shinpachi sputtered, trying to wipe the offending food out his eyes and still not breath through his now clogged nose.  
  
He turned really red, "Now who's being spiteful? I said I was sorry!"  
  
"Technically, you didn't." Missus Amy said coolly, "You said it was an accident and not your fault. Besides, I don't think sorry and a kiss would make that right anyhow."  
  
Shinpachi's mouth dropped and Sannan sighed. His wife and Saya were simply going on with their meal, paying minimum attention to the antics of their guests. Tetsu wondered how often things like this happened around here.  
  
"Shake it off crybaby! At least it wasn't hot down there." Heisuke mumbled, cramming a mouthful of cranberry sauce.  
  
"Why is everything you do an accident and everything I do on purpose?" Shinpachi raged, his hands inching towards a buttered roll.  
  
Heisuke, not noticing the danger he was in, retorted coldly, "Because you're a vindictive little bitch sometimes."  
  
Tetsu decided now was a good time to act.  
  
He lobbed a spoonful of peas at the enraged Shinpachi. They hit dead on. Hey, all those food fights in the cafeteria at his old school were really paying off!  
  
"Puppy, you just made a fatal error." Shinpachi growled, snatching up a salad fork.  
  
"Aw, calm down."  
  
Thunk.  
  
Heisuke looked at the fork embedded in his turkey and gulped.  
  
"Reminds me of my forth husband. He always did have an uncontrollable temper. It killed him the day he decided to take it out on a black bear in Yellowstone Park." Missus Amy tsked. "The poor bear ended up suffering."  
  
"Tetsu! What are you doi—?" Tatsu's cry of outrage was cut off by a well-aimed dill pickle.  
  
Tetsu grinned and shot a thumbs up across the table, "Thanks Saya! That was an awesome shot!"  
  
"Akesato, dear, I'm sorry all your lovely food is going to such spoils, but I believe the boys need to be defused." Missus Amy explained, right before she smacked Tetsu in the face was a roll, "Food fight!"  
  
Tetsu didn't really remember much of what happened after that. He did remember nailing Tatsu a good one with some pitless black olives and that Saya made a great partner.  
  
Surprisingly it wasn't Sannan who called a ceasefire but Heisuke.  
  
"Okay, okay, we've had fun." He said, a bit of turkey hanging from his nose, "But I think we owe our hosts a big apology. After all, we just ruined their meal and trashed their dining room."  
  
Sannan chuckled, "I haven't had that much fun in quite awhile. I think it was worth a bit of clean up, don't you Akesato?"  
  
The woman gave a tolerant smile, probably thinking of the mess she was going to have to clean up.  
  
"Well, we won't leave you like this, will we guys?"  
  
"Absolutely not." Missus Amy said, amazingly clean considering the massacre that had been taking place a few moments before, "Heisuke, you and the brat do dishes. Tetsu and your wimpy brother will clean walls. Saya, would you please clear the table? I will wash down the table and chairs."  
  
"What do you want me to do?" Akesato asked, starting to get up.  
  
"Nothing. I believe that the cook should never have to clean. Why don't you and your husband go out in the living room and enjoy your temporary slaves?"  
  
The longer he was around her, the more Tetsu respected and feared the old lady. He really wanted to see how his demon-boss would stand against this ferocious old lady.  
  
Somehow, Tetsu ended up helping Saya clear off the table. He wasn't sure how that happened except that Tatsu suddenly proclaimed that cleaning the walls was no problem and that he could do it all himself.  
  
"Heh, that was a lot of fun. Are dinners usually this eventful? You and Akesato didn't seem very surprised."  
  
Saya shook her head and giggled.  
  
"Anyway, you did a great job shutting Tatsu up. He has issues."  
  
She looked at him curious.  
  
"Heisuke says he needs to get laid, whatever that means."  
  
Her eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hands.  
  
Tetsu eyed her, "Hey! You know what it means, don't you?"  
  
She nodded and smirked playfully.  
  
"You're not going to tell me, are you?"  
  
Head shake.  
  
As they approached the kitchen they heard the two-thirds of the Trio arguing loudly. There was a sharp crack and a yelp.  
  
"…Don't hit me with the towel like that!"  
  
"Why not? It was intended to go lower, but you moved. Now I'll just have to hit you again!"  
  
"Don't you… hey!"  
  
"Quit moving."  
  
"I'm going to pummel you."  
  
There was a pause and Heisuke then said, "Pummel isn't all that far from ravish."  
  
"I… grr!" There was a sharp slap, "Just dry the dishes? We still have dessert when all of this is cleaned up."  
  
Tetsu looked at Saya and she made a face. He laughed, striking a hero pose with the empty gravy boat as a sword and the turkey platter lid as a shield.  
  
"Never fear, I'll protect you from those two." He promised and she laughed.  
  
They walked into something that might seem out of place in any other kitchen.  
  
There was a livid slap-print on the side of Heisuke's face and he was trying to lay his injured head on the shorter boy's shoulder, complaining that he was now to dizzy to hold it up straight. Shinpachi wasn't buying it and he kept shrugging his shoulder violently to little effect.  
  
"Ah, er, Puppy and Saya, it's not what it looks like." Shinpachi stuttered, noticing them in the doorway.  
  
Heisuke looked up with hooded eyes, "Just what does it look like? I can't use my friend as a prop when I'm down?"  
  
"Heisuke! Get off!"  
  
The taller senior shrugged and straightened up. He grabbed a dish and started drying it vigorously.  
  
He looked at Tetsu and Saya from the corner of his eye, but said nothing.  
  
Tetsu carefully eyed him before placing some dishes on the counter next to the two seniors.  
  
As he was walking out with Saya he heard some whispers.  
  
"Eh, so you think Puppy swings both?"  
  
Shinpachi's voice was softer, "What are you doing with that cell?"  
  
"Why nothing…" Pause. "Nothing at all."  
  
"You're calling someone."  
  
"Yes, that's what phones are for Shinpattsan."  
  
"…Hey, how's dinner going? Oh… really?" There was an interested lilt to his tone and another long pause, "The doctor, you don't say? I never knew you could get your head stuck in a turkey… Wow. Oh, it was fun. Shinpattsan's old lady was here, she's great. Yeah, she said you remind her of a dead husband… er, number one I think. Anyway, we had a killer food fight and now we're cleaning up. No… no, nothing much else happened. I'm sure Akesato will be glad we're gone. Tetsu and Saya seemed to hit it off really well to. Hehe, now that's not nice. Talk to you tomorrow then after Kitty's tutoring lesson. Bye."  
  
Tetsu faintly heard Tatsu sputtering at Missus Amy as she replied, "No, my forth late husband had appalling luck. He fancied himself a hunter and contracted monkey pox from some prairie dogs."  
  
"You didn't just…?" Shinpachi sputtered, then his tone turned mischievous, "That wasn't nice."  
  
"Just giving an update. Besides, I want to know how Susumu's head managed to fit in a turkey!"  
  
Saya nudged Tetsu's shoulder bringing back to reality.  
  
"…Oh, Heisuke just called Okita. Who's he? He's, er, sort of my boyfriend."  
  
She cocked her head.  
  
"Well, Tatsu doesn't really like it too much…"  
  
"…Listen boy, you learn to be tolerant of a lot of things in your life. If you stress out about everything then you'll be too tired to react properly when the big things hit. My third husband and I went on a 14-day cruise because he worked in the stock market. All the man wanted was some peace and quiet. To bad he never could hold his liqoir. One day he got a tad too tipsy and decided to show off his tight rope walking skills. Needless to say he fell overboard."  
  
Tatsu gasped, "Did he die?"  
  
"No, we fished the sodden bugger out, but he died of that heart attack his doctor warned about not two hours later."  
  
From the kitchen there was a ringing to the tune "Baby Got Back." Now that had to be the only nasty song Tetsu actually knew and by that deduction he assumed it was Heisuke's cell ringing.  
  
"…What? No, I didn't hang up on you, you hung up on me." Heisuke said, clearly enjoying having the scoop, "What do you mean? Good lord, well at least you guys are at the doctor's office already. It's fine, really. As much as Tatsu wants it, I don't think anything's happening. Saya's a great kid…. Hey, no! Would you stop? I can picture you foaming like a rabid chipmunk. Yes… yes, we're having some… no, I'm not saving you a piece. If you want to protect what's yours, you need to do it yourself… Aw crap, my phone went dead."  
  
"Geez, taunting him like that." Shinpachi sighed, "You really do want to die young."  
  
"What? It's not my fault he doesn't like to share."  
  
"True, hey starting drying! I don't want to be here all night."  
  
"You're right. We need to get to bed sometime soon." Heisuke leered and even Tetsu could hear the implication in his voice.  
  
There was a metallic clang and a snort.  
  
Eventually all traces of the food fight were eradicated and they sat down to some pie.  
  
"Mmm, this is really good." Tatsu complimented politely. "You're a wonderful cook Akesato."  
  
She blushed and pointed to her husband who also turned slightly red.  
  
"Who cares who made it?" Heisuke chirped, seated in Tetsu's old spot next to Missus Amy and across from Shinpachi to prevent further "accidents."  
  
"Not me!" Tetsu shouted enthusiastically. Sweets generally weren't his thing, but this was really, really good! From beside him Saya nodded in agreement.  
  
Missus Amy stood up, "May I ask where your phone is? I need to call a cab to get home."  
  
"Nonsense, Nagakura will drive you. Won't you?" Sannan requested.  
  
"Absolutely not! Haven't you been listening to the horror stories about the men in her life? If I drive her home I'll end up as red asphalt! Has she told you about number six in the swimming pool during a thunderstorm? That's not pretty!" Shinpachi said with determination.  
  
"I'll just call a cab. I don't trust that boy not to dump us in a canal."  
  
"There are no canals around here!"  
  
"Precisely."  
  
"Old hag."  
  
"Rude brat." She snapped back and followed Akesato out of the room.  
  
After a few moments she returned and sat down.  
  
"Did you know your phone was unplugged?"  
  
"Was it."  
  
"Oopsie." Heisuke laughed nervously, "And I bet someone was trying to call. I just hope I'll live through tomorrow."  
  
A/N: So it took awhile to get out, so shoot me (please, don't, I can't write that way). I blame the hamsters! My fingers, my freakin' fingers were waaaaaaaaaaaay too sore after being bitten several times. Sore and puffy, yeah. Anyway, hope this is worth the wait. Oh, and the BEST thing about this chapter? We had potatoes and gravy during a "family" dinner this evening after I wrote this!!! I kept looking at the gravy and laughing (much to my family's unease).  
  
Fyyrrose: Rereading Drifter was a blast. And now that I've put up TT, it might go somewhere. Since school starts soon. Who do you respect? ... Uh-huh, short list. LMAO, Kerry voted PRO-GAY MARRIAGE and threatened me if I didn't also. Until I told her I'd steal the keys and drag her myself - Apparently we have a very similiar political standing. Gee, wonder why the driving sounds so familiar... I was thinking, you know how I base characters off people? Heisuke is spun loosely off Miroku. Heisuke, Tetsu, Hijikata, Yoshida, and Susumu are all characters I have no part in. There's bits and pieces in everyone else (esp. Saito and Suzu --;;). Like I said, you're Tetsu and Sano. I want a piccy of Ryouma-doggie! Killing defenseless animals is not the answer...! This is nothing. TT and Drifter are 100x worse. Two words: snake bite. Head cheese is nasty shit makes face Yeah, that was some sick-tasting stuff. I liked shark tho drools. Hey, I've dissected sharks, two pigs, a frog, and a worm. I'm assuming I'll be doing cats or something in zoology. Teachers don't decide when it happens ;; Set times of the year. Heisuke knows just how to push it without getting killed. Now if he thought Hijikata would let go... LMAO. I had to put up with Alex and it was almost normal! She didn't say anything related to body functions!!!  
  
MissBehavin: His blood pressure must be WAAAAAAAAY up there. But that's what smoking is for, right? Yes, a very good thing. And it's good that Tatsu didn't know either XX Boys and their toys (aka machines they treat better than their g/fs). Gee, I don't know grins and sticks out tongue Maybe that was on purpose just for you Sharp as a needle... or tack... or however that saying goes. He hasn't heard the last of the coon stories, poor guy. Goats are probably too big. Sharks are fun! (but really oily and stinky ;;;). Why don't they do computer programs? It's cleaner and more humane. Saito is just creepy. LOL, and I can imagine lots of stuff for him because that's how I was in HS. Ask anyone from my class who I am. They don't know. Always lurking in the bg, quiet. The kitten was a favor to Suzu ;) Tetsu's got a wild imagination, er, a manic imagination. Yes, poor Hijikata. And when he's hospitalized for it we'll all bring him flowers and get well (and run away) cards. 


	11. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine: Winter Break  
  
"Now you have everything? Underwear?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Toothbrush?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Condoms?"  
  
"What the hell?"  
  
"Sorry, couldn't resist. This'll be great fun, you'll see!"  
  
Tatsu looked at the intruder with a bland stare, but his mouth pinched, "You are supposed to be watching my brother. I expect him to stay out of trouble. No drinking, no smoking, no driving, no…"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, nothing illegal and no kinky sex in the gas station bathroom. No problem." Heisuke said with a wave of his hand. "Don't worry Puppy."  
  
Tatsu gave a dark glare, "I wasn't done yet. I hold you personally responsible. You convinced me that he would be okay going and you are going to make sure he stays safe. Understood?"  
  
"Perfectly. And you'll have to act fast if I screw up because I think Okita might decapitate me first." Heisuke said in a chipper tone, "You people worry too much. Shinpattsan is perfectly sane and everything."  
  
"Which says nothing for the rest of you."  
  
"Would you just go? I'll be fine." Tetsu growled in annoyance. "God, I don't need you to hold my hand! You should find a girl friend or something."  
  
"Tetsu!"  
  
"What?"  
  
Tatsu moaned something that sounded like Doom before he trudged out with a backward glance… or four.  
  
"So Pup-Pup, you ready for some fun? You and I have quite a date." Heisuke trilled, looking rather smug. Tetsu wasn't sure what kind of look that would be considered, but it was making him nervous. And if it made him nervous…  
  
Suzu looked up from his spot where he was reading on his bed.  
  
"Stop that. What would Okita say if he walked in?"  
  
Heisuke's grin turned slightly darker, "Okita handed over the leash. Apparently he has half a deal to fulfill and won't be going with us." Heisuke smacked his lips, "So Puppy's MINE."  
  
Suzu sighed softly, "I pity you Tetsu… or I would if you had not signed me up to tutor him without my expressed permission. I believe the terminology would be, 'Karma bites ass'?"  
  
"Close enough!"  
  
"Stay back!" Tetsu threatened. Heisuke laughed and stalked forward. Tetsu latched on to Suzu's leg, pleading, "I don't know what you're talking about. Car mom? What's that?"  
  
Suzu twitched and looked to Heisuke, "Can you not do something with your new pet? He is woefully ill-mannered."  
  
Heisuke gleefully tried to yank the bawling, terrified Tetsu off the bed, "Be a good pet for me and I'll give you a nice treat!"  
  
"A cuddle or perhaps a pat." Suzu asked, scratching his zombie cat behind the ears. "Or a little more."  
  
"Such a dirty mind! I've taught you well. Now all you have to do is get laid!"  
  
Tetsu took the opportunity to try and crawl out the door. Surely this was some big mistake. A huge mistake. Why wasn't Okita going? This was Christmas break! He couldn't be going to his parent's house. Then again, he never said he was coming. Tetsu had assumed it because he had to have his nose in everything. A road trip to some Godforsaken cabin in the woods outside some backwater town would surely have perked his interest.  
  
BAM.  
  
"What the HELL?" Tetsu yelped and clawed at his neck fitfully. There was something around his neck! What the fuck? It better not be…  
  
"Cute. Rhinestones?" Suzu raised a patronizing eyebrow, "I suppose they fit much better than spikes."  
  
"Get this fucking leash off me right now!" Tetsu snarled, trying to unbuckle it. A mild electric jolt shot through him.  
  
"Bad Puppy."  
  
"Suzu, help me!"  
  
Suzu grinned scarily and leaned forward lazily, "Not a chance. Enjoy. I will see you in two weeks. Have so much fun in the car with Heisuke that you cannot stand it."  
  
"Noooooooooooooo!" Tetsu screamed, suddenly realizing that this was a trap. It was far too late for that because he had an electric dog collar around his neck and was being dragged out backwards.  
  
The full reality hit him. He was going to be stuck with the trio and Saito for two full weeks. That was so… wrong. And dangerous. Maybe going with Tatsu to visit Aunt Sally would have been better. Even if she did smell and had a ton of parakeets, which she called her babies.  
  
"I changed my mind! I don't want to go!"  
  
Heisuke paused, "Missing your boyfriend already?"  
  
"Let me go!"  
  
"That's so sweet. I can fill in if you miss him that badly."  
  
"Get this thing off of me NOW!"  
  
"You're so cute when you yip!" Heisuke gushed and gave a sharp tug, "Heel!"  
  
Luckily most of the student body had already left on winter break. Going to families or whatever. The only reason Suzu was still around was because he was waiting for Yoshida.  
  
He struggled against his restraints. The jolts seemed to be weakening. Just as he almost had the buckle undone a strong current of electricity shot through him and knocked him backwards, ripping the leash right out of Heisuke's hand.  
  
Slam.  
  
"Shit, that hurt!" Well, that's what Tetsu was trying to say. His body wasn't working too well for some strange reason. It came out more as a hiss/groan.  
  
Suddenly there were fingers at his neck. Slightly dizzy and seeing after-images Tetsu looked up to see a pair of concerned violet eyes.  
  
"Are you okay Tetsu?"  
  
"Yeah, I've gotten worse." He mumbled and flushed. This didn't look too good. Hopefully it reflected badly on Heisuke. Some kick ass would be nice right now.  
  
"I said that you should make sure he stays out of trouble, not make more!" Okita chided Heisuke with a sharp frown. The fingers were rubbing Tetsu's throat gently, "Are you sure you're okay? Ayunee is still here. The flight doesn't leave for another three hours so we don't have to leave just yet."  
  
"Why aren't you coming?" Tetsu asked, shifting away from the lockers that conveniently "broke" his fall, and his back too probably.  
  
"Ah, it's a secret! I'll tell you when you get home okay?"  
  
"But—."  
  
"Shh, I promise, okay?" Okita said playfully and put a finger on his lips.  
  
"You should do more than that. You guys won't be seeing each other for two weeks. I want some French!" Heisuke butted in, retrieving his leash.  
  
"Fuck off!"  
  
"Feisty."  
  
Okita waggled his finger at the other senior, "I'm only warning you once. Behave with Tetsu. Tetsu, tell me if he does anything." His eyes narrowed, "ANYTHING."  
  
Heisuke gulped and took a few steps back. He rubbed the back of his head, "Nothing's going to happen. It'll just be a fun trip with the guys. My paws will stay off, promise!"  
  
"I trust you." Okita nodded, "I would hate to have to hurt you."  
  
"No hurting needed." Heisuke bobbed, "I'll just step down the hall a bit. Give you guys a little bit of time and all."  
  
"Nosey bastard." Tetsu grumbled.  
  
Okita laughed brightly and grabbed him in a loose hug, "That's just Heisuke. He doesn't mean anything."  
  
"You sure you can't tell me?"  
  
"Nope! I have to keep my mouth shut. Hijikata dared me! He said I couldn't do it, so I'm proving him wrong."  
  
Tetsu wanted to laugh. Yeah right. Okita couldn't keep a secret for anything. Not even a dare. But he didn't have time to wheedle it out of the older boy. If they took too long Heisuke would come back. He was annoying like that. Especially when Shinpachi wasn't around.  
  
"Well, have fun." Tetsu said wistfully and turned to trudge off. Yep, Aunt Sally was definitely looking like the better choice, too bad Tatsu already left.  
  
Okita grabbed his wrist and Tetsu turned around slightly suspicious. Of course, he wasn't expecting to be jumped, literally.  
  
"Ahem."  
  
Okita looked up innocently from their position on the floor, "Why Hijikata, is it time already?"  
  
"You could say that. Ichimura, they are waiting for you in the parking lot. I suggest you hurry."  
  
"Y-yes sir!" Damn that man. Why did he always make Tetsu feel like a piece of trash? Sure he was dark… that's not scary… and big… that's not scary… and practiced kendo… so not scary… and had the authority to kick him out of school, false grounds non-withstanding. Nope, he was totally non-scary.  
  
"Alas, now we part." Okita said dramatically as he scrambled to his feet and helped Tetsu to his, "I shall pine for you."  
  
"You can't miss me that much if you're leaving me with Heisuke."  
  
Okita shook his head, "Ah, but I have no choice. You'll have fun. The trio will entertain themselves, you'll be forgotten."  
  
Tetsu grinned, "Like the lost puppy."  
  
"I'm touched. Now shoo!"  
  
Tetsu trudged out to the parking lot.  
  
Heisuke seemed to be having an argument with Sano.  
  
"No way, you can't bring the fish!"  
  
"I didn't say I'd bring them, I just wanted to ask Kitty if he'd watch them for me!"  
  
"Or eat them." Shinpachi said darkly. He looked as thrilled as a wet cat at their bickering. "Heisuke, just let him do it. I don't want to hear about those fish this whole vacation."  
  
"Fine." Heisuke said, rolling his eyes, "Two minutes."  
  
Sano bobbed his head and ran off.  
  
"He can take as long as he wants. He's got the keys and this is his car." Shinpachi shrugged, "That was mean Heisuke."  
  
"It was motivation. I want to get going!"  
  
Tetsu shrugged. Wasn't this going to be so fun? He'd always wondering what it would be like to live with the trio. Now he didn't want to know. He so didn't.  
  
"Don't you have family or something Saito?" Tetsu asked the dark figure leaned against the beat up Pontiac. "You don't seem like this is your thing." Tetsu didn't add that he thought it was quite possible that Saito didn't have a mother and that he was a zombie master, birthed from the ground. You just didn't say things like that out loud.  
  
The quiet senior raised an eyebrow, "My parents are in Malaysia at the present. They wished for me to come, however, I felt two weeks was far too short a time period for such cost."  
  
"Oh. Tatsu wanted me to go with him to Aunt Sally's. I think I should have."  
  
"A black shadow hangs over you when you say that name. Perhaps it is best you did not."  
  
Tetsu shivered. "Is she going to die?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Okay, let's rock and roll!" Heisuke shouted and shoved Shinpachi hard enough to knock him on his butt in the snow, "Shotgun!"  
  
Shinpachi snarled and jumped him just as he was getting in. The two rolled around with Sano cheering at the senseless violence.  
  
"Ouch." Heisuke muttered, rubbing his jaw. He blinked, "Hey, what's that on your neck?"  
  
Shinpachi reached up and hissed when his fingers brushed against the skin. "It feels like a blister."  
  
"You sure it's not a zit… or a hicky?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"No what? Is that a 'Oh no, I'm so screwed because it's showing,' or a 'No, I'm breaking out!' Personally I hope it's the second option."  
  
"It's a blister you moron. A bloody blister, like a rash or something!"  
  
"Don't you mean pussy blister?"  
  
"I know you meant to say pus with a y, not puss with a y. The latter has nothing to do with me, I can assure you."  
  
"Heh, Shinpattsan, it was just a slip of the tongue!" Heisuke said, poking the blistering roughly. More red bumps started erupting from the fair skin and Shinpachi growled. "Wow, those things just popped up when I…"  
  
"YOU!" Shinpachi howled, "YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME!"  
  
"Now Shinpattsan, that's ridiculous. We've known each other forever and I've never made you break out before. I still say they're zits." Heisuke reasoned and ducked a sideswipe.  
  
Shinpachi gave up, "Heisuke, you are sitting in the back. Away from me."  
  
"But—I called shotgun!"  
  
"Too fucking bad for you. Get in the car!" Shinpachi hollered, red from cold, anger, and Heisuke.  
  
"Yes sir!" Heisuke yelped, "You heard the man, let's go!"  
  
The ride up to the cabin by the lake was utterly miserable. Shinpachi sneezed constantly for ten minutes before he declared that he was going to have to roll down the window. While his face was blue from the cold and he was still wheezing, the rest of them were shivering and complaining. Sano, like a freakin' polar bear unaffected by the cold, seemed to be having a grand time swerving all over the icy road. Now Tetsu knew why he shouldn't be allowed to drive.  
  
"Here, at last!" Shinpachi gasped and tumbled out of the car before it even stopped. He buried his face in the snow until Heisuke tried to pull him up. Then he screamed, flailed, and disappeared in the direction of the shed out back.  
  
"He's getting the hatchet." Sano shrugged, "I guess he wants to chop some wood?"  
  
"It was nice of your grandfather to let us come." Tetsu remarked as they trudged through the snow to the cabin. It was small, but after the freezing ride up it looked toasty.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You said this was his cabin." Tetsu blinked, confused. Isn't that what Heisuke told Tatsu?  
  
"Oh yeah." Sano grunted, trying to pry the door open.  
  
"So I guess I better thank him."  
  
"If you want." Sano said slamming the door open. "His grave is out back, by the wood chopping block. Watch out for Shinpachi. I think he's mad at Heisuke."  
  
"Your grandfather is pleased that his old cabin is still being used." Saito added as he walked in with his bag. "He was afraid that your family would not use it properly, or sell it."  
  
Tetsu gulped and backed off. Even Sano looked slightly disturbed at this bit of information. Saito ignored them and disappeared in a back room with his things.  
  
Heisuke came back in on the heels of a disgruntled Shinpachi. The red head had an armful of freshly chopped wood. He dumped it by the fireplace and turned around with the poker in Heisuke's face.  
  
"Leave. Me. Alone." He seethed, "I'm going into town to get some itching cream and Benadryl. You. Stay. Here."  
  
"But Shinpattsan… there are animals out there!"  
  
"None of them can be as bad as the one in here."  
  
"You'd make me worry? Let me go with you!" Heisuke said, ignoring the implied sentence. "Please?"  
  
"No. I'd rather be eaten by bears. Sano, I'm taking the snowmobile, okay? I should be back in a few hours."  
  
Huh, why did Tetsu get the feeling that this was a common place to vacation at for the trio?  
  
"Okay, bring back some food."  
  
"Right." Shinpachi nodded, ignoring Heisuke, who was trying to bar his way. "Move or I will brand you like a cow."  
  
"It's not even hot!" Heisuke protested, eyeing the poker warily. By that time Sano had started a tentative fire.  
  
"I can fix that." Shinpachi said in a low tone. "You just don't get it. You are making me miserable!"  
  
Heisuke gave a hurt, kicked puppy look, which Shinpachi ignored completely.  
  
"I can't breath, I'm sneezing my head off, and I have hives! Just give me a break, will you? That's all I'm asking for. It's not like you don't see me everyday anyway."  
  
Heisuke made a face and reluctantly stepped aside.  
  
"Thank you. I'll be back."  
  
Heisuke watched the door close then glanced over at Sano slyly. Nodding to himself he walked over to Tetsu.  
  
"Hey Puppy, wanna go for a ride?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Of course you do. Puppies love cars!"  
  
And Tetsu realized that he had made a grave error.  
  
The town was just a small spit on the map, not even four hundred people. It wasn't hard to find where Shinpachi went. What was surprising was to find him talking to a slender young woman dressed fashionably and looking very happy to see him.  
  
"Did you see that! She just hugged Shinpattsan!" Heisuke said, leaning forward over the steering wheel. Unfortunately, his chest pressed against the horn.  
  
"Damn it!" Tetsu howled and jumped. It was true that Sano probably needed a loud horn, but really! "You suck at being undercover!"  
  
"What?" Heisuke yelped back and ducked when Shinpachi and the woman looked their direction. "Who said anything about that?"  
  
"We're hiding, aren't we? That's like a duh. I don't know why you're acting like this. It's just a girl." Tetsu grumbled, rubbing his head ruefully.  
  
"Just a girl? Just a girl? He hugged her! Dang, and now they went inside."  
  
Tetsu narrowed his eyes. "Well, yeah, it's fucking freezing. We should go inside too."  
  
"Bad Puppy, no barking."  
  
"I'm telling Okita." Tetsu frowned, "He said anything and I think this is an anything."  
  
"Fine, whine to your master. Just remember: a lot can happen in two weeks."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
Heisuke opened the driver's side and pocketed the stolen keys. Tetsu stubbornly tried to stay in the car, but he was dragged out. Why'd everyone have to stare like that? Heisuke wasn't that ugly.  
  
"Look how much time you wasted! They could be making out in some hick bathroom by now!" Heisuke seethed. Tetsu just didn't understand it. Why was he so obsessed about this? Maybe Shinpachi had a girlfriend.  
  
"They're right there."  
  
"Oh. Get down!"  
  
Tetsu found himself slammed against the wall of the local coffee shop. With a pained gasp he turned to give Heisuke a piece of his mind.  
  
"You fucking asshole, that hurt!"  
  
Too bad the senior was already slinking behind a row of booths, leaving Tetsu no choice but to follow as best he could.  
  
"Oh, Shin, it's been so long! How've you been? I heard you're going to an all guys. I wish my parents were that cool. Any hot ones?"  
  
What the hell?  
  
"Probably Ren." Shinpachi shrugged, "I don't notice that sort of thing."  
  
"Of course you don't."  
  
"You look nice. I haven't seen you for at least two years."  
  
"You know how it is. My parents are bitchy, yada yada. Can you believe they're home schooling me now? Oh, and of course I look ravishing. You got uglier though. How is that possible?"  
  
Heisuke made a low sound in his throat, "She called him ugly. Bitch."  
  
"Keep your voice down!" Tetsu shouted and several patrons looked over at the boys.  
  
"I can't sleep with Heisuke around." Shinpachi grumbled half-heartedly. "Blame him."  
  
"Oh-ho, and you just got done lying to me about no hot guys? I really should meet this Heisuke. He sounds quite charming, and energetic too."  
  
"Energetic my ass." Heisuke snorted, "Where does she get off talking about me like that?"  
  
"Ha, he couldn't charm lucky out of his charms. No, he's more the direct type."  
  
"Ah, no game playing?"  
  
"I think they're talking about you." Tetsu informed Heisuke, who was looking blankly at the pair.  
  
"Traitor." Heisuke moaned, "Listen to them!"  
  
By then they were both sipping hot chocolate and Tetsu desperately wished he had some too. Stupid Heisuke. What did not really mean to him anyway?  
  
"Ugh, no seafood for me." Ren said rolling her eyes, "I think I'll just have some pasta."  
  
Heisuke perked up, "She doesn't like seafood? I bet she's allergic!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"So, I'm going to put seafood in her pasta, duh!"  
  
"What if she dies?"  
  
"Come on, no one dies from seafood. Heh, she and Shinpattsan will really be a matching couple then! Hives everywhere. Then we'll see how attractive she is!"  
  
The annoying Tatsu voice popped up. It was screaming this time. Screaming so loud and fast that all Tetsu understood was "Blahblahbbhlalalalala." Usually he at least got words. Not that he heeded them. Did that one la sound like no and that blah bad? Oh well.  
  
Sneaking into the kitchen was actually very simple. The bored teenagers that worked there were all out back screwing around and taking a smoking break. The college waitress completely ignored them in favor of her Seventeen magazine with a hand idly stroking a fat black and white cat.  
  
Finding the food was a little more complicated, but eventually Tetsu found something that looked like it might be crab… or shrimp? Anyway, it was pink. Tatsu wasn't too fond of seafood, so they didn't eat it very often.  
  
"Here."  
  
Heisuke looked at it and laughed evilly, "Catfood? That's really cruel Tetsu. I like your style!"  
  
Umm, that was a compliment?  
  
The errant workers returned and Heisuke watched as the plates were taken out.  
  
The girl looked at her plate and sighed, "I wonder what this is supposed to be? It doesn't look like chicken alfredo to me."  
  
"Here, take my hamburger and I'll eat it. It can't be worse than the cafeteria food back home." Shinpachi offered and they switched plates.  
  
"Such a gentleman." Ren replied sassily and poured ketchup on her plate. "The ladies must love you."  
  
"Uh huh. Just about as much as they like you."  
  
"They used to. Are you talking with dual meanings?"  
  
"No Ren. Have you been watching soaps again? You're looking for intrigue in the wrong place. I'm just going to graduate this year and go to Italy on that internship. Nothing new."  
  
"Same as always. You can't tell me you're not interested! We grew up together and I have your first kiss, remember?"  
  
"We were kids, playing around." Shinpachi blushed and took a bite of his food. He chewed slightly and paused.  
  
"What is it Shin? You look pale."  
  
"There are blisters forming in my mouth." Shinpachi said, carefully pushing his plate and glass away from the edge. He put his napkin on the table and stood up with fork in hand and stared around. "Heisuke! I know you're here! You better come out now if you want to live!"  
  
Heisuke whimpered and whispered to himself, "Shincoon."  
  
Tetsu decided it was time to find a new place to stand. If his freshman year had taught him anything, it was to get out of the way when someone was pissed. Plus, Shinpachi apparently had snatched a steak knife off the table next to him. Definitely time to move.  
  
"How sweet!" Ren trilled, ignoring the steak knife, "He's a stalker! Now I have to meet him. Hey, Heisuke, buddy, you might want to come out now. If he has to go find you, he'll be even more angry."  
  
"I'm dead." Heisuke predicted and started to sneak out the back. Tetsu took one look the way he was going and promptly went the other way. It's not like Heisuke could actually run anywhere. He had to go back to the cabin eventually because it had all the food, his stuff, and the money.  
  
"Please?" Ren called out again, "I want to meet the guy who has my cousin's attention!"  
  
Heisuke paused, "Cousin!"  
  
"There you are!" Shinpachi roared. Heisuke didn't stand a chance.  
  
"Now… now Shinpattsan, don't do anything drastic!" Heisuke sputtered, eyeing the steak knife nervously. "Hurting someone as pretty as me is a crime in itself!"  
  
Shinpachi's cousin had wandered up by then. She was looked intently at Heisuke, like he was livestock for sale. Tetsu half expected her to lift his lips and look at his teeth.  
  
Meanwhile, Shinpachi had secured Heisuke's head.  
  
"Please tell me you're going to kiss me and not pull my head back to slit my throat."  
  
With a swift jerk Shinpachi yanked his head back and slashed. Heisuke crumpled to the floor and Shinpachi dropped the knife.  
  
"Don't do that!" Heisuke whimpered, fingering the ends of his hair, "Now they're all ragged."  
  
Shinpachi sniffed the hair. Some of it brushed against his nose and angry red welts appeared.  
  
"Get rid of whatever you've been using in your hair!" Shinpachi ordered, "I'm allergic to it."  
  
"My coconut oil?" Heisuke said, looking up. "But—that stuff is expensive and I like it!"  
  
"You're killing me with it! Coconut, no fucking wonder! I'm deathly allergic to that stuff."  
  
"Aw, Shin, don't be so harsh. He didn't do it on purpose." Ren protested, "Besides, he's cute."  
  
"Ren…"  
  
"I wouldn't dream of it. Besides, I've got a girlfriend already." She grinned, "Still, I can window shop, right?"  
  
Heisuke blinked and narrowed his eyes, "You're a guy."  
  
"Why yes, I am. And where are my manners? I'm Ren Nagakura, Shinpachi's cousin. Our fathers are brothers." Ren gave a slight bow, "You're Heisuke, I've heard quite a bit about you. It's a pleasure to finally meet you. But who is this cutie?"  
  
Shinpachi looked over at Tetsu then glared at Heisuke, "That's Tetsu, who should not even be here."  
  
"He wanted to come along for the ride." Heisuke shrugged. "And Okita told me to watch him."  
  
"I'm sure this was exactly what Okita wanted to happen too." Shinpachi said dryly. "Maybe not. Well, Ren, would you like to come over for dinner? You can see Sano again and meet Saito."  
  
"I'd love to. Aren't you going to pay the bill though?"  
  
"I believe Heisuke should, considering he ruined our lunch."  
  
A/N: There. All done. Have you ever looked at some of the wet cat food? Or compared it to people-seafood? -.-;;  
  
**Fyyrrose:** Here's halfass for you! You took too damn long. Geez, I even had to remind you! And no killing the spider! He's just a poor, non-native. Anyway, mom's nagging me to fill out an application. sigh 


	12. Chapter Nine: Part Two

Part B  
  
Ren fit into the group with amazing ease. Sano obviously already knew Shinpachi's strange cousin and Saito took the new arrival with his usual enthusiasm.  
  
"Let's go skating on the lake!"  
  
Heisuke looked up from his book by the fire and grinned, "Sounds fun."  
  
Tetsu, who had been bored out of his mind, jumped at the chance to get out. Who wanted to be stuck in some stupid cabin all the time? Too bad it was fucking freezing outside!  
  
Tossing on clothing haphazard he was ready a full ten minutes before everyone else but Sano. Sano had been out hunting rabbits in the woods. He came back to investigate when he heard all the noise and happily went to go dig up some extra skates from the back shed.  
  
Now, how exactly did one ice skate? Tetsu had never had the chance to go. Tatsu always said it cost money that they didn't have, so he was never allowed to go.  
  
Tentatively he put a foot on the ice. The blade slid slightly before steadying. Grinning he put the other foot out and promptly fell on his butt.  
  
"Ouch! Shit!"  
  
Heisuke moseyed up in an easy fashion and looked down, "You don't know how to skate Puppy? Maybe I should teach you then."  
  
"Uhh…" How did you politely decline such a dangerous proposition? Fuck polite. This could be done the old fashion way, "No fucking way. I don't want you to teach me nothing, okay? I'll get it!"  
  
"Ah, such a brave, stubborn puppy-dog." Heisuke grinned, doing a lackadaisical circle around the fallen freshman, "Let me know if your ass gets sore."  
  
Well, when he put it that way…  
  
"Wait!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
It was actually pretty easy once you got the hang of it. At least he didn't fall on his butt again. Unlike poor Shinpachi, who was being taught by a very patient Ren.  
  
"Shin, didn't I try to teach you before as a child?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"So why do you want to try again now? You're hopeless. I mean that in the nicest way possible."  
  
"I just do, now shut up and teach."  
  
Ren gave a sly glance over at where Heisuke was showing Tetsu the proper way to put his feet. Tetsu noticed the look and wondered what that was all about. Ren was a nice guy, but damn, he was a creepy bastard sometimes.  
  
"Maybe Heisuke would have better luck." Ren said, giving his cousin a hearty push to the back. The hapless senior flailed about, trying desperately not to fall.  
  
"Shinpattsan, if you wanted to get in my pants that badly you should have asked." Heisuke said in surprise. Shinpachi was practically wrapped around his legs with almost everything pulled down. "Inside of course. It's rather nippy in the nether when you have my boxers."  
  
Shinpachi tried to scramble backwards, but failed miserable. He lay sprawled out on the ice, looking very frustrated and very embarrassed.  
  
Ren skated out of the way with a smirk, grabbing Tetsu as he passed. The two stood watching. Ren knowing exactly what was going on and Tetsu not having a clue. Which was annoying. Maybe Ren would tell him, since no one else would damn it!  
  
"Ren, why'd you do that?"  
  
The older boy looked up at him with dark eyes and smiled, "Because all I hear over the phone is Heisuke this and Heisuke that. Since I've met the man I can say I approve and he's obviously interested. Shin just needs a little push."  
  
"Uh-huh." A push huh? Obviously he couldn't mean that literally, since that last one didn't work too well. Now Heisuke was trying to help the sputtering Shinpachi up. Offering a lewd comment and earning a punch in the kneecap.  
  
"Don't! I'll do it myself!"  
  
"But Shinpattsan!"  
  
"No, leave me alone!"  
  
"Let me help."  
  
Crash.  
  
"Now look what you did!"  
  
"Me? I think not. You dragged ME down. The ice is a rather cold bed if you ask me."  
  
Punch.  
  
"Shut up and get off!"  
  
"But you're warm."  
  
"Okay, maybe a hearty shove." Ren amended, "He's so stubborn. So, what's your story kid? It's not often that a freshman gets in with the big, bad seniors."  
  
"Er…"  
  
"So Okita's your boyfriend?"  
  
"Huh? Yeah, I guess."  
  
"You guess?" Ren said, cocking his head. "What kind of answer is that? I think he's had quite a few crushes on him before, but you bagged him. You should be proud."  
  
That sounded… well, like Okita was a shot wild goose.  
  
"I think he caught me." Tetsu admitted, "He's a lot of trouble."  
  
"You obviously don't mind."  
  
"Well, er, I guess I'm trouble too." Tetsu said, scratching the side of his face.  
  
Ren looked at him mildly, "You don't look like trouble to me. I guess it is always the innocent ones! Hmm, well, I'm warning you now. I'm probably going to make Shin's life a bit rocky for the next week or so. If you want to help feel free."  
  
"Thanks?"  
  
"Now tell me about that guy." Ren said, pointing at Saito, who apparently had opted not to skate and was kneeling in front of some silver birches.  
  
Tetsu blinked. Why would Ren be asking about Saito?  
  
"C'mon Puppy!" Sano said, shoving him roughly out of his conversation with Ren. The transvestite didn't seem perturbed. Then again, he and Sano apparently knew each other. It wasn't personal, it was just Sano.  
  
The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. Shinpachi eventually gave up on skating and ended up throwing one of his skates at Heisuke, who took off with it, leaving a very cold footed Shinpachi. Sano got tired of skating about half way through and started building a snow fish, which didn't work particularly well. Then he got tired of that and disappeared with his shotgun, presumably hunting some dinner. Ren, oddly enough, left Shinpachi and Heisuke to their own devices and hung around Saito.  
  
"Whew, I can't feel my feet." Shinpachi complained, sitting down in the entrance and rubbing the affect area tenderly.  
  
"Baby." Sano snorted as he stomped in, showering snow everywhere.  
  
Shinpachi shot him an angry look, "I didn't see you running around in your socks."  
  
"Pfft." Sano snorted, "Do I look stupid? Frostbite sucks."  
  
"Uh-huh, sounds like you're the wussy. I dare you to stick your tongue to the car bumper."  
  
"Gross." Ren exclaimed, "Do it!"  
  
"Yeah Sano." Heisuke added, "Show us how manly you are why don't you."  
  
"No way. It'll get stuck!"  
  
The three started jeering.  
  
Tetsu said nothing.  
  
It would get stuck, and he wasn't saying that from personal experience or anything. No, not at all.  
  
"Fine! How long?" Sano demanded.  
  
"Not too long Shin." Ren warned.  
  
"Thirty seconds and Heisuke counts. Just to make it fair."  
  
Heisuke… fair… Shinpachi was in fine bitchy form today. Heisuke would "lose count," get distracted, or have to "catch his breath." Thirty seconds would turn into a minute and a half. Tetsu wouldn't know that from personal experience either.  
  
"One… due… three… quarto… cinq… six…"  
  
"English Heisuke!"  
  
"Fine, but now I have to start all over again!"  
  
"Mmmph?" Sano growled.  
  
"One… two… look at that bird."  
  
"Where?" Sano asked.  
  
"Now you made me lose count!" Heisuke chided, "One… two… three… fifty-nine…"  
  
"Heisuke, buddy, you skipped a few." Ren reminded.  
  
"Fifty-nine is more than thirty." Saito added.  
  
"So smart." Ren grinned and Saito ignored him.  
  
"Whaf? Mo mare!" Sano yelped around his tongue.  
  
Shinpachi sniggered, "I guess it doesn't take thirty seconds to stick someone's tongue to freezing metal after all. It's kind of like how many licks to the center of a tootsie pop I guess. You just don't know. Let's go eat."  
  
"Lick it right the first time or you gotta do it over. Like it's rehearsal for a Tootsie commercial." Ren sang loudly and Shinpachi smacked him, telling him never to sing Lil Kim around him again.  
  
Tetsu looked between them, "Aren't you going to free Sano's tongue?"  
  
"After the super glue in shop? Not likely."  
  
"Woah, someone holds grudges." Heisuke said. "Remind me to never piss you off."  
  
"I think you're a little late."  
  
"Oh, well, I promise to do better from now on."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Don't look at me like that! I only bug you because I love you Shinpattsan. That's why you haven't killed me yet. I think."  
  
Shinpachi snorted and said cynically, "It couldn't possibly be because homicide is against the law or anything?"  
  
"Nope, it's just your way of saying you love me too!"  
  
Ren made a quick grab for Shinpachi, but missed.  
  
Rather than attacking Heisuke like everyone expected he bolted for the cabin.  
  
"Shit!" Heisuke yelped, taking off after him, "He's going to lock us out!"  
  
Slam.  
  
"It's cold."  
  
"I know."  
  
"I'm cold."  
  
"I know."  
  
"I bet Sano's really cold."  
  
"Probably." Ren said glumly, "Maybe we should try to unstick him. I was planning on using hot water, but since I can't get inside…"  
  
"Damn straight you can't! You people are cruel monsters." Shinpachi called out from the other side of the door. "And you're not coming in until Heisuke promises to leave me the hell alone!"  
  
"Heisuke!" Tetsu chattered, "Just do it."  
  
"Never."  
  
"Then beg." Ren hissed at him and shivered. "Beg him to let us in. Sacrifice yourself."  
  
"Hey, where's Saito?" Tetsu said looking around. The stoner was nowhere to be seen. Nothing new or odd, but considering it had started snowing you'd think he'd be on the porch somewhere.  
  
"He's in here with me." Shinpachi called.  
  
"What the hell? You let him in, but not your own cousin?" Ren yelped indignantly, "Some family ties."  
  
"You are an encourager!"  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"Heisuke."  
  
"What did I do?" Tetsu whined. There was a long silence, "Nothing, you were too slow. That's all."  
  
"What!" Tetsu howled, "You didn't tell me you were going to lock everyone out!"  
  
"Duh, that would kind of give it away, wouldn't it?"  
  
"Uh, yeah, I guess it would."  
  
Ren pounded fruitlessly on the door before slumping down. "I bet he and Saito are having some hot chocolate right now."  
  
"Wat oochoate?" Sano said, his eyes widening. They all jumped a little, since it was the first time he'd moved or made noise in over five minutes. Suddenly he was dragging the parked Pontiac behind him in his eagerness to get to the hot beverage. There was a cracking noise and even Tetsu had to wince.  
  
Sano cautiously licked his lips and smacked them in satisfaction.  
  
"Damn boy!" Ren yelped and looked at Heisuke, "Good thing he's straight with a mouth like that."  
  
Then with no warning at all he used his body as a battering ram.  
  
"Hell. Sano!" Shinpachi yelled, "Hang on, I'm opening it right now okay?"  
  
Somehow they managed to convince Sano not to bash down the poor cabin door. The rest of the evening was uneventful. Tetsu had promised to call Okita on Hijikata's cell phone, but it was so late now, he figured his intrusion probably wouldn't be appreciated. Especially since Hijikata, Okita, Susumu, and Ayunee were in Florida at the moment and two hours ahead of them.  
  
There was the usual dinner rush and then the bathroom fight, but everyone settled down. It was hard to think that Christmas was only a few days away. Tetsu had his gifts all ready. It was odd to be giving gifts; he'd never really had good friends before. It had been just him and Tatsu for the last few years. And now Tatsu was off somewhere in Alabama with crazy old Sally and her babies.  
  
Feeling slightly lonely, Tetsu crept out of the room he shared with Saito (by default) and went to go warm up some milk to help him sleep. By all rights he should have been dead tired after all the skating and horsing around.  
  
"…Now I remember why your parents wish you'd move to Zaire." Shinpachi said in a low voice.  
  
"But you love me, don't you?"  
  
"Of course. You're my cousin and my best bud."  
  
"Speaking of. I think that one of your friends wouldn't mind being a bit more than that. I know you're not as oblivious to his advances as you pretend to be."  
  
"He hits on everything with parts."  
  
"You mean pants?"  
  
"No, I meant parts. Pants are optional. I suppose I should be flattered that he considers me in working order?"  
  
"Shin, did you ever think that just maybe he'd trying to get your attention?"  
  
"I pay attention to him." Shinpachi retorted dryly, "I threw a fork at him when he tried to steal my roll at dinner."  
  
"Very romantic. That's not what I meant and you know it, Shin."  
  
"He doesn't do romance. To him it's wham, bam, thank you ma'am, minus the ma'am of course. More like, join me for some recreational lovemaking?"  
  
Ren chuckled, "Would it kill you to give him a little bit of positive attention?"  
  
"He's not dead yet. How much more positive does it get?"  
  
"It's a start."  
  
Shinpachi heaved a sigh, "Why am I a guinea pig? Can't you bother someone else?"  
  
"But you're my cuz! I only want to see you happy, so if Heisuke doesn't make you happy I could always arrange to get rid of him."  
  
Shinpachi snorted skeptically, "You could try."  
  
"Admit it, you're sweet on the little pedophile."  
  
"Great, are you now saying I'm a little boy?"  
  
Ren smacked his forehead dramatically and groaned, "Fine, you win. No more Heisuke talk. I'll butt out. Want to hear about Stephanie?"  
  
"Sure, how's she doing?"  
  
Okay, who the hell was Stephanie?  
  
"Oh you know, on again off again sort of relationship. She's visiting family in Memphis right now."  
  
"Sounds annoying."  
  
Ren laughed, "In a way I think it fits us."  
  
"Yes, you both are annoying."  
  
Smack.  
  
"Ouch."  
  
"You deserved that." Ren said smugly.  
  
Tetsu left it at that, wishing he had called Okita anyway. Knowing the youth, he was probably making trouble for someone. Tetsu on the other hand was ready for bed.  
  
"Would you quit pacing? I told Hijikata you shouldn't have had that chocolate dessert. Stupid. Now you're bouncing off MY walls." Susumu complained, trying to watch TV around the pacing Okita. He was sprawled out of the queen with remote in hand.  
  
"Are you going out tonight?"  
  
"I was, but now I'm thinking that's not a great idea."  
  
"Oh, okay." Okita said and started pacing again.  
  
Susumu glared at the senior and tried to also watch the TV at the same time. "What are you up to now?"  
  
The purple haired youth shrugged and jumped on his own queen-sized bed, dragging both pillows behind him. Even laying down he was still flopping around.  
  
"Well, I needed a ride. I thought a cab might be a little conspicuous, so I was hoping some of your old buddies would take me to the bus station." Okita explained slowly, his eyes lidded, "Can we stop watching Miracle on 34th Street yet? This must be like the fifth time since we got here. You spend more time watching TV than you do enjoying the vacation."  
  
Susumu flicked the TV off and stared, "You're the one with the bus tickets. Where are you going without me?"  
  
"Ah." Okita said, flashing a brilliant smile. "Who said it was without you? I have tickets for you, if you'd like to go."  
  
"I'm interested."  
  
"Well, you see, I knew that my parents would be all up-tight about the divorce, so I knew they'd be happy to let Hijikata take me. Mother says I have a terrible knack for trouble. Anyway, I borrowed his credit card a few days ago to buy two bus tickets back home. I figured you'd want to go too. Bribes work wonders. Anyhow, since Hijikata and Ayunee have to put up with us, I thought they might want a few days alone before their vacation ends."  
  
The taller boy looked thoughtfully, "You're a conniving little bastard. And I don't suppose this has anything to do with your little whore?"  
  
"Ah, what's Christmas without the ones you love?"  
  
"God no, that means the Trio too."  
  
"And Saito." Okita chirped cheerfully.  
  
Susumu glance around shrewdly before saying, "I think you just want to get me away from my sister."  
  
Okita gave a wide, disarming smile, "I think you're giving me far too much credit. I assumed you'd want to leave. And your silence could be bought by means of a ticket."  
  
"Do you think I'm that easy?"  
  
Okita looked at him with tainted innocence, "Of course not. I only hoped that this wasn't overkill."  
  
"Smartass." Susumu snarled, already throwing things in his suitcase. "Let me used his cell. I know you have it."  
  
Okita pulled out a small, silver phone and tossed it to him. "Knock yourself out. We have to be there in two hours."  
  
"Not a problem."  
  
A/N: Yay, almost half way through! And at 207 pages --;; I didn't realize that I was going to go overboard, but I hope you guys are enjoying it! One more part to Christmas break and then the kendo special!  
  
MissBehavin: You know, a jealous Heisuke is amusing, but I think a jealous Okita would be deadly OO Just a thought. More adventures in the cabin coming up . I wouldn't trust any of them to watch Tetsu at all! It's not that Saito would do anything bad... he's just kind of... inattentive to the antics of the Trio sometimes. -- Just consider that the boys are a bit possessive O.o;; Jealousy is all well and good, buuuuuuuuut :) My Thanksgivings are unfortunately nearly that eventful, but not as fun. LOL, spider abuse! Heisuke doesn't really mind; he sees it as a future weapon :) I have spiders living in my bathroom and my grandmother doesn't like that much... she won't let me have a real spider for exactly that reason! Like I'd want it to escape either?!! As for the turkey, I don't think it was voluntary :) I'm think Hijikata had something to do with it...  
  
Fyyrrose: Yes, and you've done a number on my psyche, haven't you? I still can't get over the fact I made that comment about make-up sex or called Kano a boy-toy .;; Those are soooooooooo OOC for me. Almost as much as friendship ficcies . Can you imagine if Tatsu met Ren... or STEPH? LOL, but doujinshi is fun! And not all of them are yaoi!  
Really? I think Aoshi and Soujirou... a doujinshi scan =)) Speak of the devil anyway! I still have that on my computer with the paper Aoshi doll and the one where Kamatari dresses Sou in drag :) Okita CAN be scary? That's debateble. His looks do not do much for him in the intimedation catagory. Oh oh oh, Kerry said at the dentist I looked like I was foaming at the mouth (wax, white molding, and drool galore) and I was having this mental image with the caption: "Rabid Shincoon" 


	13. Chapter Nine: Part Three

Part C  
  
"Let's go to the bar!" Sano shouted and Shinpachi groaned, "On Christmas Eve?"  
  
"Sure, socialization." Heisuke supported.  
  
Shinpachi snorted and rolled his eyes, "Did you forget something?"  
  
Heisuke paused, "I don't think so."  
  
"Puppy is too young to drink. They wouldn't even let him in."  
  
Sano blinked and looked down at him, "They let you in."  
  
Shinpachi turned red, "They know me!"  
  
Heisuke leered, "Of course they do. Little boy."  
  
There was this second of pure silence.  
  
"You bastard!" Shinpachi yelled and proceeded to pummel his friend, "Don't. Ever. Compare. Me. Like. That."  
  
Ren dragged his rabid cousin off and flicked him in the forehead lightly. "Calm down. It'll be fine, okay? They'll let him in, but they won't give him a drink. He can have soda." Ren frowned, "I don't think any of you are legal anyway."  
  
There was an uneasy silence.  
  
"Any-way!" Heisuke said overly loud, "It'll be fun. A good way to relax after all the fun and exercise we've been having."  
  
"But maybe not the kind you want?" Ren nudged Heisuke then laughed, "Fixable."  
  
Shinpachi stared at his cousin dangerously, "What does that mean?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Ren."  
  
"Nothing! You're so paranoid."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Let's go to the bar then!" Sano said eagerly, already dressing for the cold. Really, it was ridiculous the way he layered. They weren't going to do anything. Surely the bar was heated?  
  
The group dispersed and Tetsu lingered in the hall, looking for that one stupid snow boot. He set it down right there!  
  
"Shh, this will have to be fast."  
  
"Isn't Shinpattsan going to be surprised?"  
  
"Surprised, yes. Definitely surprised. Happy? That's questionable." Ren replied, sounding distracted, "There. Now you get ready, okay?"  
  
Tetsu almost walked around the corner when he was jumped from behind. Struggling, he bit at the hand over his mouth.  
  
"Stop that." Ren commanded, shaking the spit off his hand with disgust, "You really don't want to go through that doorway right now."  
  
Tetsu stopped struggling and cocked his head curiously, "Why?"  
  
Ren smirked and pulled him slightly to the side. The doorway was in perfect view there.  
  
"Watch."  
  
"Shinpachi hurry up!" Heisuke called out from out of sight.  
  
"I am! Can't you just wait one… gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Shinpachi screamed as Heisuke did a full body tackle. Before the smaller boy could escape, Heisuke grabbed his head.  
  
Tetsu stared with avid fascination, "Is that a French?"  
  
Ren chuckled, "I think that's the whole UN. Whew, too bad I already have someone."  
  
Shinpachi sat panting on the floor, red in the face. He stared for a long moment. "What prompted that molestation?"  
  
Heisuke grinned cheekily and pointed up at the innocently looking clump of some kind of plant, tied with a red ribbon.  
  
Shinpachi looked up and turned a darker shade of red.  
  
"Oh boy." Ren said nervously, "Who has the car keys?"  
  
"Heisuke, you're an idiotic lecher. What if Sano had walked through that door?"  
  
"Huh?" Sano said, standing over the two, who were still in the doorway. They looked at each other. Shinpachi scrambled back saying no over and over, but Heisuke grinned, making a remark that fair was fair. Tetsu covered his eyes.  
  
"Well, are we ready?"  
  
"Quite." Saito remarked from the doorway behind them. He was bundled up in, guess what, black clothing. The scarf was pulled up so far on his face that you could only see the drooping eyes.  
  
Ren smiled and said, "You heard the man, up and at 'em guys. This is no time to play around under the mistletoe!"  
  
Shinpachi gave the finger and Ren smiled sweetly, "You lost your first kiss. Do you really want to lose your virginity too?"  
  
"I can't believe you. It's incredible that you can be so nonchalantly sick like that. To think we're related."  
  
"Tainted blood." Ren barked and Sano, finished thoroughly wiping his mouth, was jingling the keys impatiently.  
  
After Heisuke and Ren had trooped out, Shinpachi growled to the air, "I think some payback is in order."  
  
Tetsu, never one for sense, just had to ask, "Why? You didn't like the kiss?"  
  
"Uh… what kind of question is that? He… he…"  
  
Tetsu wasn't the wait patiently type, "Took… what was that word? Ignitative?"  
  
"Initiative." Shinpachi corrected absently.  
  
Tetsu screwed up his face in confusion and added helpfully, "If you kissed back it might work better."  
  
"Wha—you just… gaaah! Everyone is out to get me! Thank God we're going to a bar." Shinpachi howled and stormed out.  
  
"What'd I say?"  
  
"The wheels on the bus go round and round." Okita sang softly, rocking back and forth slightly. Perhaps the little pixie stick pick me up wasn't such a great idea. Considering it was about midnight and all the other passengers were sleeping.  
  
"Would you fucking shut up?" Susumu demanded from the other side of him. True to his word, the other teen had gotten them a ride to the bus station. Since then he had been rather grumpy.  
  
"Put your headphones on if I'm bothering you." Okita suggested, closing his eyes and changing his words into a hum. "Or, if you're awake enough, we could talk."  
  
"Talk? About what."  
  
"Hmm, well, what do you want to talk about?"  
  
"You're on a sugar high." Susumu accused. "And I don't know."  
  
"A small one." Okita admitted, using his arm to prop himself against the cold window comfortably. "It'll burn off in about twenty minutes."  
  
"I don't know how you can eat that junk."  
  
Okita grinned slightly, "Would you rather I didn't? I seem to break bone when my blood sugar runs low."  
  
"You have a point there."  
  
"Why don't you like Hijikata?"  
  
"That was blunt." Susumu observed, deadpan.  
  
Okita gave him a sharp look and replied, "It seems to be the only way to get an answer out of you. You take the fun out of teasing."  
  
There was a long silence and Okita was afraid he had pushed it too far. He knew that Susumu resented him for several reasons, but the main one was that he was close with Hijikata. It was almost a jealousy issue… almost. Except there was a weird twist to it.  
  
"I don't hate him if that's what you're asking."  
  
"No, I said 'like' actually. But that's not a reason." Okita corrected.  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"So are you going to clam up?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You'll explode."  
  
"You will first."  
  
"Will not." Okita said sticking his tongue out. "I talk to people about my problems."  
  
"Will too. And who?"  
  
"My, my, so adamant. Hijikata for one." Susumu snorted, "And Tetsu."  
  
"That punk? I bet he gives really good advice too."  
  
Okita gave a fond smirk, "Yes, he does. He tells you what he thinks. It's very refreshing to get a straight answer." Accusing eyes.  
  
"Look somewhere else. You're not my friend."  
  
Okita sighed. It was a long, pouty sound.  
  
"Can't you at least pretend to be nice? I don't understand how Ayunee could possibly be your sister."  
  
"What do you know?"  
  
"Nothing. I don't have ESP like Saito." Okita pointed out, "Well, it's isn't ESP for him I guess."  
  
"His ghost mumbo-jumbo shit. You actually believe that?"  
  
"Of course. You're changing the subject."  
  
"Am not."  
  
"You are too."  
  
Susumu made a noise of annoyance, but didn't disagree.  
  
"We're some prickly people!" Okita proclaimed, "Why don't we play a game?"  
  
Susumu stared at him.  
  
"I ask a question, you answer. You ask a question, I answer. Simple. Everything is fair and you can refuse to answer any question, but then you lose."  
  
"I don't like that game."  
  
"What? You haven't even played yet."  
  
Silence.  
  
"You'll find some things out."  
  
"Fine, but I get to go first."  
  
"Shoot."  
  
Susumu gave him a serious look and said with a straight face, "How much sugar do you consume in 24 hours."  
  
Okita's hand slipped and he cracked his head lightly on the metal windowsill. Rubbing his head from the surprise and pain, he still managed to smile impishly.  
  
"You did mean 'do' and not 'can' right?"  
  
"Fine, on average. And that's one question you just wasted."  
  
Okita grumbled, "Cheater. I was asking it to clarify."  
  
"It was still a question."  
  
"Well, on average I usually have about three full sized candy bars, some sort of baked thing in the morning, and some random things during the day. I like variety, so it's kind of hard to list it all."  
  
"How long have you been planning this bus trip?"  
  
"A month. Getting Hijikata's credit card was rather difficult and I had to go to the library in Florida really early to buy them online."  
  
Susumu nodded.  
  
"Hmm, that was an easy question."  
  
"I wouldn't want to end this too soon." Susumu replied. "Willing information is hard to come by."  
  
"True!" Okita agreed and considered, "Why did you help Tetsu get back into our school?"  
  
"He was in my way."  
  
"Sure. Your turn."  
  
"He was!"  
  
"I believe you."  
  
"Why'd you pick him. You never showed any interest an anyone before."  
  
Okita grinned, pleased, "Ah, you keep such close tabs! Why? That's hard to answer, but I'll play. Maybe because he's so naïve and open? Well, and very sweet."  
  
"Spare me the 'he's the best boyfriend in the world because…' bullshit."  
  
"You did ask."  
  
"I don't need details."  
  
"Next question then. This is fun. Hmm, why do you hassle Heisuke so much?"  
  
"Besides the fact that he's a fucking perverted fag? He's an asshole. Someone needs to bust his bubble."  
  
"And that someone is you. Got it."  
  
"You can't judge me. There are people you don't like, I'm sure."  
  
"Yes, but I get along with the majority of the population."  
  
"Are you saying I'm a hater?"  
  
"With a passion."  
  
"Fag."  
  
"Hmm, yes, I guess I am."  
  
"Why'd you almost get expelled from your school last year." Susumu continued, like nothing had even happened.  
  
Okita made a grimace, "Itriedtokillateacher."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Ah! You asked a question."  
  
"What did you say Okita."  
  
"Ryoumawasalmosttakentothehospital."  
  
"What the hell? You're not speaking English!"  
  
"I used my skill in kendo to attempt murder on my teacher, Ryouma."  
  
Susumu was silent for a moment. "So you have two questions and then I'm going to sleep. This is giving me a headache. I didn't know talking was so much effort."  
  
"Okay, do you want Ayunee to be happy?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And why don't you like Hijikata?"  
  
"Personal. What time are we getting into town tomorrow?" Susumu snapped, turning away.  
  
"Ah, it is tomorrow. We should be there in a few hours, but we'll have to hitch hike some."  
  
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"  
  
"No way squirt."  
  
"Why not? You guys are all doing it! That's no fucking fair."  
  
Sano looked down at Tetsu, around his glass of hard liquor, "Because Heisuke said no."  
  
"That's not a reason. Besides, he's the guy beating up the jutebox! What a dork! You can't possibly be taking him serious!" Sano looked over the boy's head at his friend, who was indeed beating the poor inanimate music maker.  
  
"What kind of place is this? Who is Creeks and Dung, or Rascal Flats! What kind of messed up name is that? It reminds me of flat raccoons and Shinpachi's driving. Why is all of it coooooooooooountry? Country sucks!" Heisuke said, "And the one semi-good song ate my money and won't play!"  
  
Sano looked back at Tetsu and shook his head. "No."  
  
"Why not!"  
  
"Because Heisuke said it would get him in trouble."  
  
"You're no good!" Tetsu waited a second, "Now can I have some?"  
  
"Why don't you have another coke?" Shinpachi suggested. They'd already been in the dark, hick bar for nearly two hours and he couldn't convince anyone to let him drink. He wasn't asking for much! Just a beer or something. Not the stuff that Shinpachi and Ren were using in their drinking game. Come to think of it, Shinpachi was looking a little glassy eyed.  
  
"No!" Tetsu retorted. "You guys brought me here to temptation then say I can't have any? That's no fucking fair. Give me some!"  
  
"Eh-eh, you should play nice. Getting drunk isn't all that much fun." Ren chided, waving his finger about unsteadily.  
  
Heisuke stomped back over with a growl and threw himself on the bench.  
  
"This is crap. No good music, no cute guys, just those old geezers Saito is terrifying, and no sports. I can't breath because this smoke is so thick and you three are getting sloshed."  
  
"That's what bars are for. Drinking." Sano pointed out, going through another glass like it was water.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, just don't get in any fights this time Sano. That last guy woke up in the hospital." Heisuke said, ordering himself a beer. "And you two are going to be in a world of pain tomorrow. What proof?"  
  
"40." Ren replied. Shinpachi tried to turn, but weaved, almost off his chair. He was red in the face and holding his bottle menacingly, "What do you mean 40?"  
  
Ren chuckled nervously and slid away, "Aren't you drinking 40 too?"  
  
"No." That came out as a feral growl. Apparently Shinpachi was a very violent drunk. This should be interesting. Hopefully Sano wouldn't be too incapacitated to stop him from killing his cousin.  
  
"Now, now, Shin. I'll just let you win, okay? Because you've already had twice as much as me." Ren soothed. "How does that sound?"  
  
"It sounds like you're a dirty cheater." Shinpachi accused, with his eyes locked on his cousin. With one quick, practiced motion snatched up the hunting knife from the man next to him.  
  
"Just calm down." Ren said without moving.  
  
Heisuke and Sano's eyes were wide. Heisuke stuttered, "Ren—Ren, move! He's serious."  
  
"What? Shin wouldn't hurt me."  
  
Slash.  
  
"Oww! What was that for?"  
  
"Baby." Shinpachi snorted, and tossed the knife back at the guy. The poor man dodged and the heavy knife slammed into the wooden floor with a thunk. "I don't feel so good."  
  
"Gee, wonder why." Heisuke said sarcastically and slammed his head down on the bar, "Can we go home? Ren's trashed and bleeding, Shinpattsan's sloshed and violent, Sano… Hey, Sano! No!"  
  
Sano and a big trucker were circling each other. The bar tender was trying to run interference, but both combatants easily outweighed him.  
  
"You touched my butt!"  
  
"Fuck no. Why would I touch a punk-shit like you?"  
  
"You did! You got in my bubble space. I don't like men! You want something like that go over there!" Sano said, pointing in the vague direction of Tetsu and Heisuke, "Just because I'm with them, I'm not one of them!"  
  
The trucker half-turned to walk away when Sano's fist connected soundly with his jaw. There was a painful crack as the big trucker's head snapped back.  
  
He spat out some blood. It was obviously that he wasn't intoxicated in the slightest by his movements. Tetsu watched in fascination. He'd never really seen Sano fight hand-to-hand.  
  
"Hey Heisuke… wanna make a bet?"  
  
"I'm betting on Sano." Heisuke said sourly, "Even up to his ears in scotch he'll kick ass."  
  
Okay, apparently Sano wasn't the only one who had impaired judgment.  
  
"If I win, er, the trucker wins, then you have to buy me a drink. Just a beer! That's all I'm asking for."  
  
"Sure, but don't get your hopes up." Heisuke said blackly, helping himself to Ren's abandoned drink.  
  
Before the brawl could finish, the bar tender had managed to get some help. The two were ungracefully thrown outside. Good thing Sano had the keys.  
  
"Fuck, Sano has the keys. He better not leave us here!" Heisuke snarled, but made no move to get up. He looked around, "Where'd Shinpattsan go?"  
  
Tetsu decided that Heisuke was far gone now. He won't mind then if Tetsu helped himself to a little left over. Not at all. Right?  
  
Tetsu knew that the only one who was remotely sober was Saito. Ha, the guy was too busy talking with the old geezers about their dead loved ones. What a weird guy. Besides, he wouldn't stop him.  
  
Grabbing Shinpachi's forgotten leftovers he forced himself to swallow it in one gulp.  
  
"Gah, I'm going to die!" He tried to howl. It came out more of a sickly choking gurgle. His throat was burning and he tried desperately to hack his lungs out. Shinpachi was drinking that shit! How? Why?  
  
In the middle of those two wonderful sensations he started feeling the bile rise in his throat. Falling on hands and knees he started depositing dinner on the ground.  
  
"I'm going to die." He whimpered and tried to curl up. Something nudged him. Weakly he tried to swat it away. The nudging persisted and there was this annoying sound that accompanied it. It seemed like he should recognize it, but right now he just wanted silence… or death.  
  
"Tetsu, you're a mess." The annoyance said. It sounded like it was yelling at him. Maybe it was one of Saito's ghosts come to take him to Hell. "Where's Heisuke and Sano?"  
  
Another, slow, measured annoyance said, "I believe Harada was thrown out for unruly conduct and Toudou is passed out in the men's room. I assume you found Nagakura."  
  
"Thank you Saito." The original annoyance said and suddenly something was trying to take Tetsu's body. He started flailing. He wasn't going anywhere with some evil annoyance! He wanted to die in painful peace damn it!  
  
"Tetsu, stay still. Saito and I are taking you back to the cabin, but you have to cooperate. Susumu already took Shinpachi." A cool hand stroked his brow and he calmed down a little. His head still felt like it was going to fucking split in fucking half and he couldn't see a damn thing. All of it was black.  
  
"Can't see." He whimpered.  
  
"Perhaps if you opened your eyes you would have vision." The deep annoyance suggested calmly.  
  
Fuck that. It sounded too hard.  
  
"If you could please get Heisuke, we should leave."  
  
Suddenly Tetsu felt himself up on his feet and stumbling forward.  
  
"Come on Tetsu. Please don't make me carry you like a baby. It would be awfully embarrassing."  
  
He jutted his jaw and ignored the sudden blast of air. No one was fucking carrying him around like one of those shit-making squallers!  
  
"Better." The annoyance encouraged. Would it ever shut up?  
  
The rest of the ride home was a blur alternating with a haze. The last thing he remembered was puking all over Heisuke, while sobbing that he was going to die cold and alone. The senior wasn't particularly appreciative of that.  
  
"Gerroff Poopy." Heisuke slurred, trying to shove him away. It only made Tetsu cling harder, sobbing. "Yer makin' a scene."  
  
"Who was killing Jimmy Buffet?" Tetsu accused, immediately regretting opening his mouth. It fucking hurt.  
  
"It deserted it." Heisuke mumbled and closed his eyes.  
  
"We're here!"  
  
"Shut the fuck up!" Tetsu screamed in agony. If it shut up he could die happy.  
  
This time he was carried like a baby. Well, if you call slinging a baby over your thin, bony, hard, painful shoulders carrying them. And throwing him was totally inappropriate.  
  
"You're going have a painful hangover in the morning Tetsu. Sleep well. There's a bucket to vomit in beside your bed." The annoyance brushed something across his forehead and walked out.  
  
Another bout of nausea swept through him.  
  
"I'm going to die."  
  
"Stuff it. Tryin' ta slee'." A thick voice demanded from the other side of the room. Instinctively Tetsu started to crawl towards it. It was his biggest fear that he would die alone. Being incredibly confused, he let his instincts lead him to the only other living body in the room.  
  
He grabbed at the blanket that dangled down and pulled himself up into a half-upright position. The occupant lashed out blindly.  
  
"Leave me th' fuck 'lone!"  
  
"I'm dying." Tetsu explained.  
  
"So? Go'way."  
  
Tetsu ignored the command and tried to climb up into the bed. His attempts were met with a solid smack to the face and a hard floor at his back. He wasn't discouraged. As long as he got up there before he died, he was okay. Or at least that's what his brain told him.  
  
"'Mmm. Get'way." The other persisted, but didn't smack at him this time.  
  
"No."  
  
"Fin'." Suddenly a hand grabbed at his arm and dragged him up. Tetsu proceeded to do something he hadn't done since his parents died. He curled into the other being with his head against their chest and his fists clutching cloth tightly. The arms came around him loosely and the breathing deepened.  
  
A/N: There you go, more cabin fun, combined with the ever-bad drinking! Mmm, what will morning bring? **_-evil chuckle- _**Anyway, true story. I got attacked by a raccoon the other evening. It charged me and my dog Shadow, changed it's mind, and jumped down the sewer. Aside from being terrified, then laughing to hard so I could hardly breath, I decided it was a sign from the Fanfic (or maybe Raccoon?) Gods that I should stop picking on Shinpachi so much. I will try to comply with their wishes because I love the little guy, really.  
  
**O-O:** Wow pokes one sitting? Is your brain toast? With jelly? LOL, the chapters just seem to keep getting longer and longer. It's quite disconcerting actually X.X I'm glad you got some good laughs. I wasn't sure about starting a multi-chapter PMK AU, but I think it turned out nice! Yes, I wish it had more fanfiction... well, in English, so I could actually read it. waves Have fun in Lala Land, it's such a lovely place to visit. They know me quite well -  
  
**Fyyrrose:** FGs or YFGs? Or could I keep them both happy? Well, minus the yaoi, because I'm chicken! I see Sano slinging fangirls all over the place like a bunch of attacking rats. They'd squeal, run back up, and he'd toss them around again - How am I? I don't know. I blame you. You wanted ShinHei, not me. I'm just trying to make it work. And failing that, there's always the other pairing I want involving Shin -snickers- Sorry, Hei-kun, but I could do it, so don't piss me off. Remember that one fansite? Think that, but worse! As for that conversation... -whistles- based on real conversation. Okita, the homicidal teenager without Hijikata to bring him in line... 207 isn't average! BSR was like 200 pages COMPLETE, well, and Drifter. Everything else is like 100 pages! And I'm not threatening reviewers...  
  
**_-shifty eyes-_** You hear that people? She says I should threaten all you invisable people! Are you going to stand for that? **_-backs away pretending like nothing happened-_**  
  
Anyway, it'll slow down now that I don't have any premade chapters again. Although I did introduce Tetsu to Tokio earlier this evening when I had just finished the next chapter of Curses! 


	14. Chapter Nine: Part Four

Part D  
  
Tetsu fell out of the bed with a heavy thump on the cold, hard, wooden floor. He moaned and curled into a tight, little ball. Everything was so hazy?  
  
"Rise and fucking shine you fairies." Susumu's voice drifted down smugly, "Nothing like the fresh smell of someone in shit in the morning."  
  
"Hmm?" Heisuke's sleepy voice floated around in the small room.  
  
Suddenly there was a bright, blinding light flooding the room.  
  
"Turn it off." Heisuke whined and tried to drag the covered back over his head in sleepy protest. Tetsu sat up rubbing his head. Okita was standing with the cord to the blinds in hand, not looking particularly happy.  
  
He took a few swift strides and ripped the covers off the hung over senior.  
  
Heisuke retaliated by dragging Tetsu up bodily and trying to use him to block the morning sunlight.  
  
"Ah, good morn—woah. You people shouldn't get drunk!" Ren chirped and stopped mid-sentence. Despite the fact that he had downed more alcohol than Heisuke and Tetsu put together he looked incredibly chipper. Well, until his eyes landed on Okita. He gave a sweet smile, "So good of you to join us?"  
  
"You."  
  
"Ah-ah, you need to play nice. We wouldn't want to have anyone get hurt again, now would we?"  
  
Shinpachi dragged himself into the doorway and rubbed his eyes with his knuckle. He made a grunting noise and leaned heavily with a sigh.  
  
"Shin, Puppy stole your man!" Ren complained good-naturedly.  
  
"His name is Tetsu." Okita corrected.  
  
Ren paused, "Apologies. I assumed that it was just a cute nickname. Forgive me."  
  
"Yeah, at the bottom of a frozen lake." Susumu snorted. "I don't know why you guys are so surprised. This wouldn't be the first drunken fling that's ever happened."  
  
"Oh really?" Ren chimed in, ignoring the heated looks he was getting from both Shinpachi and Okita. "Do tell. You mean Heisuke I'm assuming."  
  
"I mean both the fuckers." Susumu corrected crossly.  
  
"Enough."  
  
Susumu looked over at Okita, but didn't volunteer any more information.  
  
"Shinpattsan, save me!" Heisuke whimpered, becoming more awake by the second. "It's not what it looks like. I swear on Freud!"  
  
Shinpachi looked uncertainly at his friend before steeling himself, "And what does it look like exactly?"  
  
Heisuke blinked, collecting his thoughts. When nothing came to mind his mouth worked soundlessly for a moment.  
  
"It's all Puppy's fault!" Heisuke blurted and Tetsu jumped. His fault? How so? He was just sleeping!  
  
"That's shameless Heisuke." Shinpachi snorted, "Blaming it on the kid."  
  
"Hey, who's bed is it anyway?"  
  
"Mine actually." Saito chimed in. "You were placed here last night."  
  
"Oh. Well, I didn't go into Tetsu's bed, did I?" Heisuke defended, "It's not my fault he dragged himself over here."  
  
Ren gave a slight grin, "I believe you."  
  
Heisuke sighed in relief.  
  
"Too bad no one else does, you pedo." Susumu snickered. "Okita doesn't really like to share. I learned that the hard way."  
  
Heisuke looked between them and seeing no mercy decided to make one last bid at talking his way out of the mess. He turned his eyes to Tetsu and pleaded, "Help me out! Tell them nothing happened."  
  
"Umm, well, you did wake me up when you were talking in your sleep. Something about 'Shincoon' and this thing kept poking me." Tetsu muttered, saying the first thing that came to mind. Heisuke went bright red and made cutting motions across his throat. Tetsu ignored that and blinked, "I gotta pee."  
  
With that he rose unsteadily to his feet. Usually Okita would help him and ask if he was alright, but the senior was still standoffish. Tetsu wasn't quite sure why, but he would figure it out once he woke up a little more. He wondered if they were going to open presents before or after breakfast. Mostly he realized he was going to have to walk just a bit faster if he wanted to make it in time.  
  
There was a heartfelt scream just as Tetsu flipped the seat up. Suddenly Heisuke had run in the bathroom and slammed the door, turning the lock and panting, wide-eyed.  
  
"You! Now they're trying to kill me!" Heisuke accused with a shaky finger. He was looking rather pale and shaky.  
  
"Can I pee in private?" Tetsu asked sleepily, "No pull ups here. I'm a big boy."  
  
Heisuke only glanced over, "I'm sure you are."  
  
"Heisuke, get out here you coward!"  
  
"Don't, Okita has the hatchet." Ren warned.  
  
There was a huge slam and Sano's big voice proclaiming that Ray was the coolest trucker ever and that the two of them had a wonderful night on the road with his rig. His big voice boomed throughout the house, drowning out any threats and cajoling that were aimed at Heisuke.  
  
"I need a cold shower." Heisuke whimpered, "Watch the door for me, will you? If anyone opens it, yell. Yell really loud."  
  
"Okay. What are you going to do?"  
  
"Jump out that small window and run away butt-naked in the snow." Heisuke replied, stripping his nasty clothing from their ill-fated sojourn to the local bar. "Hopefully hypothermia and frostbite will get me before they do. Oh, and Puppy. Don't tell people what other people do in their sleep. It's embarrassing. Even for me. Okay? Fantasies and dreams are private things sometimes."  
  
"Uh, can I do anything for you?" Tetsu asked, feeling sorry for the guy. Vague piece of the evening were assembling in his mind. "Since I was dying and all and you still helped me out."  
  
"Shit, cold." Heisuke yelped and then added, "Clothing would be nice. So if I have to run, it won't be naked. Snow and naked don't go well together. The Pontiac keys would be helpful too."  
  
"Umm, okay." Tetsu lingered at the door, "I'll tell Okita that it was a mistake, okay? Don't worry. Then we can all have breakfast and open presents."  
  
Heisuke chuckled. "Right now I'm not remotely worried about Okita. It's the other one."  
  
Okay, there were only five "other ones" in the house. Well, it was safe to assume that it wasn't Sano or Saito. So that left Ren, Susumu, and Shinpachi.  
  
Tetsu opened the door cautiously and was surprised to find the short, narrow hallway empty. He strained his ears for sounds and could hear some arguing in the living room. After another second or so he decided it was safe enough to creep back to the room Heisuke shared with the other two members of the trio. It would just be a quick in and out.  
  
He had collected some outer clothing and socks, but he figured that Heisuke wanted everything. That meant going to the dreaded top drawer. Tetsu wasn't sure why, but that seemed to be where everyone on earth put their underwear.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
Tetsu turned slowly, looking conspicuously guilty.  
  
"Getting Heisuke some clothes so he can run away from 'the other one?'"  
  
Okita stood sternly in the door. He walked in grabbing Tetsu's wrist and pulling the younger boy down on the bed next to him. He gave a slight smile and scooted away a little.  
  
"Before I kill Heisuke, what really happened?"  
  
"Nothing that I know of." Tetsu blinked. "Was something supposed to?"  
  
Okita didn't look surprised, but he frowned.  
  
"I was really sick." Tetsu considered, "Okay, I was very drunk. All I remember is I kept begging everyone and they all said no. So I waited until they were all wasted and helped myself. I wish I hadn't."  
  
"Are you sure nothing happened."  
  
"Umm… no?"  
  
"I trust you, but alcohol does funny things." Okita remarked and looked out of the corner of his eye, "That's why I don't touch the stuff."  
  
He didn't need to. The guy was already unpredictable enough as it was.  
  
"Are you trying to make me promise not to try alcohol ever again?"  
  
"Ah, maybe? You're a smart cookie."  
  
"Or you're just blatantly obvious." Ren retorted, leaning in the doorway, "If you're done, breakfast is on the table. Since Shin's still nursing a hangover I'm not sure how edible it is exactly. I see you haven't changed much Okita. Still so possessive."  
  
Tetsu stared between the two. Okita had on a face that was eerily similar to the one he made when Ryouma was around.  
  
"Still like an unwanted stray dog." Okita replied lowly.  
  
"Grr. Speaking of dogs, I hear Puppy's yours. Funny, I always figured you were straight."  
  
"How do you two know each other?" Tetsu asked in confusion.  
  
"Summer camp." The two replied at the same time.  
  
"It was very fun." Ren said wryly and snorted. "And educational."  
  
"Yes, yes, and your bid to get rid of me would have worked slightly better if I were actually allergic to poison ivy." Okita pointed out. He had risen and looked for all the world like a dangerous animal on the hunt.  
  
"No, no, you misunderstood. Easy to do when you're so flighty. What with all the sugar and all." Ren said dismissively, "There was a bee. I was simply trying to get you out the way. The ivy patch just happened to be there. It is a weed."  
  
"And the honey was an accident as well?"  
  
"Well, what about the leeches? I know they didn't just crawl out of the creek and into my shower."  
  
"The itching powder wasn't you, I'm sure." Okita replied.  
  
Tetsu's eyes got wider and wider at each prank. Damn! Those two were vicious. He wondered when all this happened.  
  
"Hey, how hard it is to tell everyone breakfast is—oh no, not again." Shinpachi groaned, "This again? That was nine years ago! I mean, come on. Okita you were only nine. How can you still remember this?"  
  
"Yes, I was nine."  
  
"Quite the juvenile delinquent. Summer camp for the bad boy, huh? Your parents couldn't do a damn thing with you, could they? Good thing they found someone to baby-sit you. Good old Hijikata. I bet you spend more time with him than you do with your real family."  
  
"And your parents were asking God what they had ever done to deserve you because you played with mommy's clothes." Okita retorted. "That's why YOU were at summer camp. To make a "man" out of you."  
  
Shinpachi sighed in defeat.  
  
Ren shrugged, "True enough. My parents can be such a bother. Obviously it didn't work in the way they wanted. Being caught playing kissy-face with a teenage counselor didn't go over very well."  
  
"Okay you two, break it up." Heisuke said, "Hey Puppy, could I have my clothes? I was beginning to wonder where you went, but now I see everyone is having a heartfelt get together."  
  
"I've decided not to kill you." Okita announced to Heisuke magnanimously and Heisuke sighed in relief. He gave the purple haired senior a shaky grin and said, "Man, I swear nothing happened! I don't think of Puppy like that at all."  
  
"So the little fucker's not good enough for you?" Susumu asked. Okita just gave an ambiguous smile and slung an arm around Tetsu's shoulders.  
  
"Can we open presents?"  
  
"Harada already has." Saito said, startling everyone. He had a bit of red ribbon draped across his shoulders, the work of Ren no doubt.  
  
"What!" Tetsu screamed, eyes bulging out of his head. Sano better not having fucking touched his presents! That bastard was so dead.  
  
They came into the disaster zone that used to be the small den. Wrapping paper, ribbons, and items were flung everywhere with Sano in the middle of it all playing with a new shotgun. He looked at them briefly and mumbled something that sounded like thanks.  
  
"My… my presents!" Tetsu wailed, "He opened all of them!"  
  
"Wow, go Sano. You really trashed the place." Ren said carefully treading into the knee-high mess. The paper rustled under his slippers and he bent down to pick up a random object. Inspecting it carefully he glanced at Shinpachi. "Hey, this one's for you."  
  
Shinpachi waded out and gingerly took hold of the magazine. His face then did a number of interesting color changes before settling on vivid purple from lack of air.  
  
"Heisuke!" He screamed. The brown haired youth blinked in terrified surprised, but didn't try to move as he was tackled violently. The smaller boy hit him like a tornado.  
  
"Shinpattsan, what—ouch, hey—what did I do?"  
  
"You're being a facetious little bastard!"  
  
Susumu was howling with laughter. Tetsu glanced over, considering that he sounded like a hyena off of the discovery channel.  
  
"You people can be so entertaining!" He snickered with mirth and hit the wall with his fist gleefully. "Kill the poor shit."  
  
"Shinpattsan, stop!" Heisuke pleaded, trying to pin the flailing fists. "That wasn't from me. My present to you is under my bed. I was going to wrap it last night… but you know."  
  
Shinpachi's balled up fist paused and he let it drop. "Really?" He squinted suspiciously, but let Heisuke up. "You're not kidding just to get away are you?"  
  
Heisuke brushed a small card out of his hair and smiled mischievously, "I think you owe me an apology."  
  
"What sort?"  
  
"A kiss would be nice. Well, that and you actually saying it out loud and meaning it." Heisuke said wistfully.  
  
Shinpachi looked around before sighing. He walked up to the other boy and put a chaste kiss on his cheek.  
  
"I'm sorry I was sure a jerk and jumped to conclusions…"  
  
Before Heisuke could open his mouth to complain Shinpachi had grabbed his face and kissed him on the mouth soundly.  
  
"And don't say I'm not in the Christmas spirit."  
  
"Great, I'm surrounded." Susumu snorted. "Are any of you even remotely normal?"  
  
Heisuke gave a happy yelp and dashed off to retrieve the hidden present. Shinpachi gave a smug look before following at a more sedate pace.  
  
Ren gave a wolf whistle, "Someone got lucky."  
  
"Why do you say that? We haven't even seen the present yet." Tetsu pointed out, poking around.  
  
Ren gave a patient smile, "I'd say Heisuke is probably very pleased with his, if nothing else."  
  
"When'd he get it?" Tetsu blinked.  
  
"Never mind Puppy."  
  
It took awhile, but they managed to sort out all the gifts to their proper owners.  
  
Breakfast was also achieved with minimum fuss.  
  
"Let's go skiing!" Ren suggested, carefully seated away from Okita. "I'd be a fun thing to do before you guys have to leave."  
  
Sano blinked, "Where?"  
  
"There are slopes all over."  
  
"You have to drive to them, and pay money." Sano pointed out, taking a huge bite of scrambled, and slightly burnt, eggs.  
  
"Skiing does sound like I could ditch you guys and have the day to myself." Susumu seconded.  
  
"I don't know how to ski." Tetsu frowned, his pride pricked, and Okita giggled, "Me neither."  
  
"It is the last day before we have to drive back. We should have some fun." Shinpachi reasoned. "It makes sense to me."  
  
"And since he's the sensible one, I second that!" Heisuke grinned. Shinpachi rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything.  
  
So it was decided. They would go skiing. Tetsu didn't know if he liked that idea very much.  
  
He decided he liked it even less when he saw the Bunny Hill.  
  
"No fucking way." He pouted crossly.  
  
Okita, still trying to uncross his poles, looked up and giggled, "Why not?"  
  
"You see those things on it?"  
  
"I see children."  
  
"Exactly. I'm not a child."  
  
Susumu sneered, "So we could take you up on the lift to the steepest slope and shove you off?"  
  
Sano tromped up beaming with the other two members of the Trio not looking nearly so happy. Clumps of snow clung to their hair and clothing.  
  
"Sano, next time you do that, make sure no one's in your way, okay?" Shinpachi grumbled, brushing a bit of snow off his chest. He turned a brushed a bit out of Heisuke's hair. Noticing the inquiring looks he mumbled, "Sano decided to take a suicide leap off the lodge's railing and land in a snowdrift."  
  
"Let's go!" He said with a broad smile, hefting his snowboard.  
  
Tetsu didn't see how he could manage it, with his legs practically tied together. While skiing seemed difficult, snowboarding seemed near-impossible. Especially for the huge, hulking senior.  
  
"Have fun with the babies." Susumu said, walking off towards the lift.  
  
"Hey! Don't you walk off you bastard!" Tetsu fumed, "I'm not a kid."  
  
Ren shrugged, "Of course you aren't. I think a day on the slopes will have Susumu very sore, unless he's used to it. If that gives you any satisfaction."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Anyway, there's nothing to be ashamed off, starting out on the Bunny Hill. Everyone starts there. If you want I'll take you guys up there and give you some tips."  
  
Okita stared at Ren, but didn't say anything.  
  
"Come on! I'm not going to shove you down the slope or anything. Not that it'd do you any lasting harm. Can't you just accept that I'm being nice just this once?"  
  
"Why are you doing it Ren?" Shinpachi asked curiously. "It seems a little out of character for you to be so nice."  
  
"Haha, I'll have you know I'm very nice. Most of the time. Besides, even if I wouldn't mind that guy busting his ass on the way down, I don't think that's very fair to Puppy." Ren speculated, adjusting a rather bright magenta scarf. He looked up at Okita, "So how about it? Truce?"  
  
"Truce."  
  
"Fine, I'm glad you guys got that all settled." Shinpachi said, "We'll be up on the moderate slopes most of the day, so you know where to find us. If not, we'll probably stop down here again in awhile."  
  
Ren gave a blink of surprise, "Only moderate? Shin, that surprises me. You're much better than that."  
  
Shinpachi flushed a little bit and jerked his thumb at Heisuke, "He's an amateur still. It wouldn't be right for Sano and I to just leave him."  
  
"Ah, of course!" Ren chirped. "Hey, where's Saito?"  
  
The all looked around blankly.  
  
"I hate when he does that. It's so creepy." Shinpachi said, shuddering, "It's even worse when he pops back up."  
  
"Alright, you boys have fun!" Ren grinned, "Maybe I'll see you up there in a bit. These two are bright boys; I bet they'll figure it out real quick with a few pointers."  
  
It took Tetsu a few moments of watching the trio walk off to realize just what he was in the middle of. He just hoped that they would be too occupied with each other to involve him in the middle of it. For once, he agreed with the Tatsu voice.  
  
Ren gave an innocent smile at a pair of guys walking past and one of them smiled back. Okita narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Anyway, this is easy stuff… kid's stuff if you'll forgive the pun." Ren said, leading them over to what looked like an intricate pulley system. He shoved a kid out of the way, grabbed Tetsu, and curled his fist around a handle. With an arm-wrenching jerk, Tetsu suddenly found himself half-flailing for balance and half-clinging for dear life.  
  
He was going to kill Ren. Where was the teach in that little stunt?  
  
He was almost to the top when he realized another slight problem…  
  
…How the HELL did he get off this thing?  
  
"Let go Puppy!" Ren encouraged.  
  
Let go? Hell no! If he let go…  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Splat.  
  
"Tetsu, are you okay?"  
  
Tetsu pulled his face out of the packed snow and wiped furiously. Of course he was okay. Peachie-keen! Stupid Ren.  
  
The first thing to greet his liberated eyes was a pair of concerned, violet ones… that were just a little too close.  
  
"Yaaaaah! Don't do that." Tetsu protested after smashing the bridge of his nose against Okita's. The older boy gave an apologetic grin and ruefully rubbed his nose before offering a hand up. Tetsu grudgingly accepted it and Okita gave a reassuring squeeze before letting go.  
  
"Nice one." Ren commented, fiddling with his scarf playfully, "Ready to get down to business?"  
  
Tetsu glared at Ren. Tetsu glared at Okita who had a distinctly humoring look in his eyes. Tetsu glared at those bastard kids that were laughing at him. Then he stabbed his poles in the snow and stared challenging down the hill. He would kick-ass. Nothing less was acceptable.  
  
"Let's go."  
  
"There's the fire I like seeing! Okay, the first thing you need to do… hey!"  
  
Tetsu wasn't listening. He would whip this, and if that meant jumping headfirst down the hill… well, he'd already done that.  
  
The whole skiing thing wasn't as hard as he thought. Except that his skis kept getting crossed from under him and his poles whacked him in the shins. Well, and he was having trouble keeping a smooth flow. At least he hadn't stumbled yet.  
  
"Hey Tetsu, wait up will you?" Ren called down. He was gliding easily with confident swipes. How did he do that? Okita was a bit behind him, doing slightly better than Tetsu. At least he had missed Ren's head with the pole. Then again, maybe that meant he wasn't doing well.  
  
Tetsu tried, he really did. Unfortunately those damn poles seemed to love crossing him. Literally.  
  
"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" He screamed in fury as he tripped and took a sled ride down the hill on his chest and stomach. It was very cold and unpleasant, but not overly painful. Well, not until he hit a pair of legs at the bottom. "Ouchie."  
  
"Ah, er, hello Professor Itou." Ren stuttered, pulling up short with a guilty look on his face.  
  
Tetsu stared up at the man, feeling vaguely out of place. What was with the nails that were better manicured than a woman's? And how did Ren know this man.  
  
"Sorry, my friend is just a tad bit clumsy. He's new at this; I was just teaching him. Say you're sorry Tetsu."  
  
Tetsu looked between them, then at Okita. And that last look made him nervous. Okita had on a distinctly polite-nothing face. The one that usually meant Okita really didn't like someone, but wasn't going to do anything about it… yet.  
  
"Uh, yeah, sure, sorry." Tetsu stuttered, trying to scoot back from the man. There was just something about him that screamed run away!  
  
Ren prodded him in the back sharply.  
  
"Forgive his impertinence. He's just a kid you know." Ren said smoothly. What the hell was impert-whatever? And since when did Ren use such big words? And why was he suddenly all… eck, butt-kissing?  
  
Itou gave a vague smile, but he was looking at Okita rather than Tetsu.  
  
"My, my, you've grown into quite the young man since the last time I saw you, hmm Soujirou?" He preened. Where did that fan come from anyway? The way the guy was looking out from behind it was kinda of scary too.  
  
"It's Souji now, and if you'd please not be so familiar." Okita replied mildly, the polite look never leaving his face.  
  
"Forgive my overstep." Itou requested, his tone overly patronizing, "Much has changed since we have last met. It was only a minor mistake."  
  
Ren looked between them, "You two know each other Professor Itou?"  
  
The man made a purring sound, "Why yes. Is it not such a small world? Mister Okita went to Junior High while I was in High School. He was quite good friends with one Toshizo Hijikata actually."  
  
"Really." Ren said, shutting up.  
  
Something about that made Tetsu want to back up. Someone was HAPPY about knowing Hijikata. Someone BESIDES Okita? That was just wrong. There was something very wrong about this he just knew it. Unfortunately, the Tatsu voice wasn't offering any insights. Stupid, useless piece of shit. He wanted a refund.  
  
"How is Toshi faring these days? I heard he works at some private school. At least he is away from the scum that mucks up the public system." Itou sniffed disdainfully. "That lot should stay with manual labor for all the brain power they have."  
  
Okita gave a forced smile and said slowly, "Hijikata is quite well, thank you for asking. He has a lovely girlfriend actually. They're engaged."  
  
ENGAGED?!!  
  
Apparently Itou was having similar thoughts because his face twisted in a gross parody of a pleased smile, "Really? I do hope he is not still with that blond whore."  
  
Okita gave a toothy grin back, "Oh no, they broke up quite awhile back. Right after graduation I think. She's doing quite well also, thank you for asking. Married actually."  
  
"I wish the best of luck on the man that married her. The pretentious witch." Itou spat before regaining his composure, "So why are you here?"  
  
Ren shoved Okita slightly and spoke up again, "I was just showing these two amateurs how to ski."  
  
Wha?! That bastard! How DARE he?  
  
Itou gave a cool glance over them, "I hope it is not too tedious."  
  
Tetsu wasn't sure what that word meant, but he was willing to bet it wasn't nice. Well, if Ren was going to be a keener then he was taking off. That skiing stuff wasn't that hard, really. Even if his body was already sore from his impromptu slide down the baby-hill.  
  
Ren looked between them with a slight, nervous smile, "Ah, no, they're both fairly quick."  
  
"Perhaps sliding down the hill like a penguin is fine for such… quaint people, but you know, I would expect better."  
  
Okita looked annoyed. Uh-oh.  
  
"Hey you bastard! What do you mean by that?" Tetsu fumed, tired of keeping his mouth shut. This guy needed some shit shoved up his nose or something. Geez!  
  
Suddenly, Itou seemed to take a keen interest. His sharp eyes flicked over Tetsu with a predatory gleam. A thin smile passed his lips and his shapely eyebrows flicked up.  
  
"My, my. Where does uncouth trash get the nerve to spew such vulgar words in my presence? Boy, were you not taught any manners? You should respect your betters."  
  
"I will when I see them." Tetsu snorted, making a face.  
  
Ren didn't say a word; he just looked stunned.  
  
"Your trivial chatter is annoying." The older man said disapproving.  
  
Tetsu gave an impish grin. The very same one he gave Hijikata (behind his back of course. Tetsu was foolish, not suicidal.  
"Good. Does that mean you'll go bug someone else?" Tetsu retorted, ignoring Ren's pleading look. No way he was going to lay off. Besides, how often did he get to ream an adult out for being rude? Never! And no Tatsu to stop him! Bwahaha- cough. Okay, bad idea, that evil laughter.  
  
Ren, tired of the not-so-subtle jabs at Tetsu's calves, lunged forward to shut the boy up more effectively. He pounced on the freshman, knocking him in the snow and out of his skis. The two flailed around in the hard-packed powder. Tetsu wasn't stupid enough to think that since they were almost the same height that they would be equal. Oh no, he would easily whip Ren's sorry ass! The boy was a stick! Not to mention all he had to do was grab onto that flamboyant scarf and tug hard.  
  
So it was quite a surprise when a fist connected solidly with his jaw.  
  
"Shit, that hurt you bastard!"  
  
"It was supposed to! Be glad I didn't bitch-slap you Puppy. Or swat your ass with a newspaper for all your barking!" Ren fumed, still trying to pin him down.  
  
Oh Tetsu would show him 'puppy' alright. This doggie was more bite than bark.  
  
"Tetsu!" Ren howled in shock and tried to drag his arm back. Tetsu's head went with it. "Let go! Bad dog!"  
  
"Tetsu…" Okita voiced hesitantly. He was probably not wanting to break up the fun. After all, Tetsu was doing exactly what he had wanted to do earlier. "…You shouldn't bite people. It's unhygienic."  
  
"Yeah, so get your sewer-mouth off of me!" Ren snarled.  
  
Okita continued, "You simply don't know where he's been."  
  
Tetsu spat the arm out reluctantly, noticing a few trickles of blood. He touched his lip gingerly and winced.  
  
"I think I know too much." Tetsu replied, making a face, "And I was proving a point."  
  
"What point was that?" Ren snapped, "You bite better than a dog? That's not something to be proud of you know!"  
  
"I suggest that you receive your tenuous shot as soon as you return home." Itou told Ren. "The human mouth is one of the filthy things on this planet, in more than one way."  
  
"It was a surprise to see you Itou. I hope your life goes well. If you'll excuse us, Tetsu and I must improve our skiing. It'll take such a long time you know. Such a tedious task deserves our concentration."  
  
"Of course. Perhaps I could show you a few moves that young Nagakura may not know. After all, I am the very embodiment of patience, and I am a professor as well. I am used to teaching…" Itou trailed off delicately and flicked his fan shut. "We will simply leave it at that. You are in for a treat."  
  
"Sure we are." Tetsu mumbled, regaining his skis. The wretched things were starting to look like chains. Why couldn't the guy just go the fuck away? Not only did he turn Ren against them… okay, against Tetsu, but he was just such an egotistical bastard!  
  
Surprisingly, Itou knew quite a few tricks. And he was patient… to a degree.  
  
"So, Toshi enjoys kendo still?"  
  
"Umm." Okita replied, trying to place his feet the way he was show. "Yup."  
  
"I see. Yet he does not compete professionally?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Quite regretful." Itou murmured, "He is quite stunning when he is swinging a sword. Brilliant in fact."  
  
Pfft, what was this guy on?  
  
"So what do you think he is doing at this moment in time, Mister Okita."  
  
"Mmm," Okita hummed in thought and smiled, "Riding Space Mountain. He always lies and says he doesn't like roller coasters, but I bet he'll go on it anyway."  
  
"I seem to recall that he gets rather flushed on such violent rides." Itou smirked. Tetsu backed up thinking, and I think you get rather disgusting when you say it that way. Eww! "A pity I am not there to see it. I doubt a mere woman could appreciate such inspiration and beauty."  
  
Ren gave a slight sigh, but Tetsu couldn't understand what it was about. It didn't sound like what it should. Or at least not exasperation. It was more… resigned? And… Tetsu wasn't going to think anymore. It made his head hurt. Or, that could be the fact that he gave himself a nice shiner with the ski pole.  
  
"I think we should try the slopes!" Okita chirped.  
  
"Good idea." Ren agreed. "We should start easy."  
  
"Professor Itou!" A woman shouted from across the way. She was with several other people and they were all looking over in amusement, "Still giving lectures? C'mon, we're on vacation here! Get in the spirit and give the teaching a rest for once!"  
  
A mild look of disgust crossed Itou's face, but he quickly covered it with his fan. Tetsu was still trying to figure out where the hell he stashed that thing when he wasn't using it. On second thought, he really didn't want to know.  
  
"Ah, Miss Klin, please refrain from shouting. As you can see, I am not going anywhere. It would be much more polite for you to come over here and say what you have to say. As for teaching, how can I refuse such needy young men?"  
  
One of the guys next to this Miss Klin choked something that sounded like that word Heisuke used. What was it again? Pedo-pedo- aww shit. Whatever it was!  
  
"Mister Salavin I heard that. If I recall correctly, you were the one indicted on charges of sexually harassing a female student… perhaps several? Ah, my memory is a bit faulty on such disgraceful mannerisms." Itou gave a sinister smile, "In any case, would you like to repeat that?"  
  
"No… no Itou." The younger man paled and stuttered.  
  
"Oh? I apologize. I seemed to have misheard you. What was the one student's name? Jill? A pretty little slip of a thing if I remember correctly. Quite intelligent as well, always did well in our class discussions."  
  
"I'm extremely sorry Itou!" Salavin cried, flaming red.  
  
"I can certainly see the temptation, however, that is something I would not act upon. You see, I prefer my prey to be a bit… more mature."  
  
"Tall, dark, and cranky he means." Ren grumbled bitterly.  
  
Okita gave a cheery grin, "Don't forget handsome. Or at least, that's what the ladies always say. Right after complimenting him on being such a great big brother and how cute I am!"  
  
"Oh shut up. I'm surprised they don't say was a sweet little girl you are." Ren growled.  
  
"Jealous? It just comes natural." Okita purred.  
  
"…Professor Itou…" The man said in a strangled voice before bowing his head, "I'm very, very sorry. Saying something like that was out of hand and very lewd. It just reflects on me being an ass. I apologize professor. It will never happen again!"  
  
Somehow Tetsu had the feeling that witnessing that would stick with him for the rest of his natural life… and probably into the afterlife as well. He hadn't understood half of what they'd said, but the fact was quite clear. Itou was one mean-ass bastard. Still, if the stupid guy was such an ass-kisser… well, there was no excuse.  
  
"Get out of my sight unless you would like to pay my eye doctor for an examination."  
  
"Yes…yes, sir!"  
  
"Ah, we'll see you later Professor Itou. Sorry to bother you." The woman said meekly, while the rest of them shuffled uncomfortable.  
  
"You do that." Itou remarked, putting his fan away discreetly, indicating he was done.  
  
"You sure showed them!" Ren praised and Okita added, "Quite the display!"  
  
Itou snorted in distain, "I detest faculty bonding sessions. They wish for me to degrade myself by associating with such lackwits? Honestly, how much do they believe I will put up with before I am forced to take action. Because obviously the board insists on hiring them, yet they cannot seem to disciple them."  
  
Ren nodded dutifully in agreement.  
  
"Eh, you seemed able to do that." Tetsu put in. He was tired of dealing with this. He had two days before he went back to school, and he just wanted to enjoy himself! Was that too much to ask?  
  
"I am quite able to outwit them, shame them, but to what purpose? You see, to do so takes precious time and effort. And because they are so pathetic in mental prowess, they do not seem to grasp how to behave. It is simply a waste."  
  
"Ah, sounds so tiring!"  
  
"Let's just go! I'm cold." Tetsu complained.  
  
"Do you feel up to proceeding to the moderate slopes? Despite my initial measures, you both seem adequate enough to handle more than the child's playground."  
  
Tetsu puffed up.  
  
"Moderate it is." Okita nodded, "Right Tetsu?"  
  
"Damn straight!"  
  
The chair lift was a new and exciting experience. Of course, Tetsu couldn't do what he wanted, which was rocking the lift exuberantly. Ren was still a bit miffed from the bite, a fact he kept shoving in Tetsu's face, literally. It almost made him want to bite it again.  
  
"So, you like that jerk?"  
  
Ren's face turned red, "Like? Well, yeah, I mean, that guy's a genius, you know? You should take one of his classes. It's really enlightening. Cool actually. He's not as harsh with people he likes. Not like those idiots from earlier."  
  
"Uh, okay. I don't like school." And Tetsu wasn't too fond of Itou either, from what he'd seen.  
  
"Yeah, and you don't know how to get off? Let's try to land on our feet this time, okay? Just make sure you're not too tense, and that you don't pop off too soon. You should do great, okay? As for the slopes, it's a piece of cake, nothing to be nervous about."  
  
Tetsu bristled. Who said he was nervous? Hell no, he was pumped up! Totally ready. These slopes wouldn't know what hit them!  
  
It wasn't nearly as bad as Tetsu thought it would be. He managed to dismount without making a fool out of himself. And the original drop off, while scary, wasn't all that bad. Skiing was easy, and as much as he hated to admit it, Itou was a fairly decent teacher. Better than Ren anyway.  
  
Yet, somehow, on the way down, he got separated from Okita and Ren. It didn't bother him that much; he was having so much fun. And he'd see them down at the bottom anyway.  
  
"Hey, Puppy! That was quick. I didn't expect to see you here." Heisuke shouted. He looked like he had been having a blast, although he was red in the face from cold and missing a glove.  
  
Shinpachi and Sano whipped past him, hooting and cheering.  
  
Heisuke grinned, "They're nuts. You never know how competitive two friends are until you give them a race that doesn't matter! Where's Ren and Okita? Don't tell me they ditched you in favor of some isolated shed. You know, there's a thin line between love and hate."  
  
"What!"  
  
"Hey, kidding." Heisuke reassured, still in a great mood. "Don't worry about it. From what Shinpattsan said, those two have always hated each other with a burning passion."  
  
"I guess they're around. And Itou too. That guy's crazy."  
  
"Itou! You don't mean Professor Itou? About this high and very professional looking? Carries a fan, right?" Heisuke asked eagerly and Tetsu stumbled, "Yeah, that's him. Do you know him?"  
  
"Know him? You're kidding! The man thought me most of what I know about Freud. He's the one who encouraged my passion for psychology!"  
  
Okay, add another tally to the score. Itou was quickly becoming someone Tetsu figured he didn't want to know well.  
  
"Toudou."  
  
"Professor Itou! How are you doing? You look awesome as usual." Heisuke grinned broadly, slowly to a glide, allowing the older man to catch up.  
  
"I am as I should be." Itou replied smugly and Heisuke beamed. Honestly, what was so great about this guy? Really. "Department bonding is my bane as you know, but I am pleasantly surprised to have met both you and Nagakura, Toudou. It seems an uncanny coincidence."  
  
"Aw, not really Professor." Heisuke said, "I'm assuming you're talking about Ren, right? I forgot I was going to ask him if you took any of your classes. He's my best friend's cousin. We're just taking our break before going back to the grind."  
  
"I see." Itou nodded slightly, "Are you still applying yourself properly?"  
  
"Yes Professor!"  
  
Oh God, Tetsu was going to be physically sick if this went on much longer.  
  
"Very good." Itou nodded again, a thoughtful look crossing his face, "And you attend class with Okita now?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, sure do."  
  
"I may just have to visit my favorite student. If that is permitted of course."  
  
"No problem!"  
  
"Very well. I shall make an effort to drop by in the future."  
  
That sounded bad.  
  
"That'd be great!"  
  
"Farewell Toudou."  
  
"Snotty jerk." Tetsu muttered, "What am I?"  
  
"Mmm, he probably didn't even remember your name. You have to earn his respect, you know. It took me a while too, so don't worry."  
  
Nope, not a problem. Tetsu would be plenty happy if he never saw the man again in his life.  
  
When they hit the bottom, Tetsu was surprised to realize he hadn't tripped up once. Maybe that skiing stuff wasn't so bad after all.  
  
"Hey, is everyone here?" Heisuke asked, looking tired. "I think it's time to turn in."  
  
Shinpachi nodded in agreement.  
  
"Where's Okita?"  
  
Ren tromped up, already having ditched his skis in favor of snow boots. Saito, who had been amazingly absent the whole time, was with him.  
  
"Oh, him. He twisted his ankle so I left him on the mountain. Do you think the frostbite will get him or the bears? Personally I hope it's both."  
  
Tetsu glared, but Shinpachi cut him off, "What did you do? You didn't push him did you."  
  
Ren gave an amazed look, "Damn, now why didn't I think of that?"  
  
"Come on Ren; we're all tired and cranky. Just tell us where you stashed him, and we won't ask the details." Heisuke wheedled, leaning against Sano, who was watching some boarders' antics.  
  
"Why are you blaming me for doing anything?"  
  
"Meaning you did nothing."  
  
"Something like that."  
  
Tetsu wasn't sure if Ren was just jerking their chains or what, but it was pissing him off.  
  
Which left one option: whale the shit out of him properly this time.  
  
Before he could lunge, Susumu came up. The guy looked rather pleased about something. He shrugged and stopped with his hands in his pockets. After a moment of looking like that he asked, "So are we going?"  
  
"You look smug." Ren remarked.  
  
"How can you say that? Don't you see something is missing?" Tetsu fumed.  
  
Susumu smiled, "You say that like it's a bad thing. Stop complaining you little shit."  
  
"You bastard."  
  
"Now, now, let's play nice." Heisuke said playing peacemaker, "We should just go to an officer and see if anything has happened."  
  
"I told you, I left him on the slopes." Ren insisted.  
  
Susumu shrugged. "So that's the story? I found his sorry ass and took him to the car. Figured someone would miss him, and since I wanted to go home, that it would save time."  
  
Everyone's jaw dropped.  
  
"The end of the world is coming!" Sano announced loudly.  
  
"No kidding!" Shinpachi yipped, "Susumu did something nice? Of his own accord? Where's the comet?"  
  
"Lay off guys." Tetsu defended. Susumu didn't say anything, just walked off. "See? He did something nice and you guys act like that? I wouldn't act too nice if people laughed at me when I did it."  
  
"Perhaps he sees something he now desires." Saito replied cryptically, then looked up, "I propose we have soba for dinner."  
  
"Umm, I don't think so Saito. No one really likes it but you, so…" Ren trailed off, "I propose we have pizza! Greasy, cheesy, and fattening pizza!"  
  
"Yeah, sounds good."  
  
"Pizza!"  
  
"Sano, don't drool on me. That's disgusting."  
  
"Aw, Shinpattsan, that's Sano you're talking about."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Ouch, don't punch me."  
  
Ren smirked, ignoring the trio, and walked up to Tetsu. Tetsu glared at him silently.  
  
"I owe you an apology." The cross-dresser said mildly, "I shouldn't have teased you like that. I met Susumu carrying Okita down early; he told me not to say anything. The only thing I could think of to cover it was to make myself a jealous bastard." He laughed, "Worked well, didn't it?"  
  
Tetsu crossed his arms.  
  
"Geez, that not good enough for you? I swear on my non-existent honor, that I would never actually leave anyone, even our President, on a cold mountain to die. Still friends?" Ren asked hesitantly, putting his hand out.  
  
"Friends." Tetsu proclaimed and grinned broadly. It was nice to be apologized TO rather than being the one doing the apologizing.  
  
"Okay Puppy, let's head back to the car. Okita's probably frothing without sugar intake, so I hope you have something on you. Otherwise I'm popping cough medicine down his throat. Maybe the opiates will calm him down."  
  
Tetsu pulled out a slightly smooshed pack of chocolate chip cookies, "I'm not stupid you know."  
  
"No one said you were." Ren smirked, "Just slow."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
A/N: you know it's scary when things you write about really happen... a tranchula got loose in North (the high school next to where I live). How funny is that? Other than that, this chappie got a bit... long. Just a tiny bit. Then next one is even longer... 30 pages OO Oh, and I got PMK in English dies laughing it was... snorts yeah, funny! But I knew Okita's voice actor wasn't going to work when I saw the cast list months ago. Other than that, I have to special order the manga --;;  
  
Night-Owl123: Well -sweatdrop- it wasn't too ASAP-ish, but it's long! 


	15. Chapter Nine: Final Part

**New Years Eve**

"Did you have to scare off the pizza boy Heisuke?"

"Saved you a tip didn't I?"

"The boy will never deliver to this address again."

"Like that matters. Besides, he probably wouldn't have his job next time we're visiting." Heisuke shrugged, grabbing the pepperoni box and a two liter of Pepsi.

Tetsu snatched another random box and peeked in it. "Eww, sick, who ordered this?"

Shinpachi lifted the lid and wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Not me. Sano!"

"What?"

"What kind of pizza did you order?"

"Umm, I don't remember. Somethin' like pineapple, mushroom, black olives, green peppers, and anchovies."

"Sick!" Ren squealed, "Sano! That's disgusting!"

"No it isn't." The burly senior protested, snatching the box out of Tetsu's hands. "It tastes good!" He ripped open the box and shoved half a slice in his mouth to make his point. Ren made a gagging sound.

"Okay, who ordered vegetarian? Because they need to be shot." Heisuke said, peering in. Then he looked at Okita, "You took the order, so who was it?"

"Who?" Okita made a pondering face and Tetsu knew he was up to something. "I don't remember?"

Ren snorted, "Who cares? I want pepperoni, so hand it over buddy, or I'll have to kick your sorry ass for pizza rights."

"I'm hurt! To think you believe I wouldn't share?" Heisuke gasped dramatically and swung out of the way. "Mwhaha, the pizza fiend never shares! Eat Vegetarian like a good little rabbit. Then maybe you'll be stew with the freshmeat!"

"No fair!" Ren shouted, jumping the taller boy.

Susumu walked up and grabbed it. Then he was off and up on the fridge. Really, did he always have to be up high?

"Give that back!" Heisuke shouted and thumped the fridge.

"I think not."

"Share you bastard!" Ren said, looking up accusingly.

Meanwhile, Saito and Okita were peacefully sharing the vegetarian pizza. Casting one last longing look at the tasty pig meat, Tetsu picked up a slice. Stupid mushrooms. Take those off. Oh, and the peppers too… and the red onions… can't stand those.

"Tetsu, why don't you just have cheese?" Shinpachi asked with his mouth full. "Because that's what you're going to have left in a moment."

"Okay guys, our last night of unsupervised freedom. What should we do?" Shinpachi asked once they were all settled.

"Truth or Dare." Ren suggested, "I'm sure there are enough dirty little secrets to keep us all entertained!"

"I Spy!"

"Strip poker!"

"Don't think so Heisuke…"

"What about Monopoly?"

"Too long."

"There's Twister in the closet."

Heisuke choked on the pizza he was chewing. Sputtering and snorting, he finally managed to swallow, "Excellent idea! I fully support the idea of playing Twister! In the nude! It could be like the Olympic Games!"

"No!" Shinpachi shouted.

"We could use cheese grease as oil." Okita nodded.

Shinpachi moaned, "Why oh why do seniors have to have 5 history credits to graduate?"

Heisuke smirked, "You know, the Greeks were big on boy love. The younger the better."

Sano, who hadn't been paying attention as usual, made a weird face, "Mmf, sumfin's miffin'."

"Don't you usually have Canadian Sausage?" Shinpachi said, leaping frantically on a new topic.

Heisuke blinked, "Yeah, where's the pig?"

Sano frowned.

Ren poked an anchovie experimentally, "What do you call that?"

"A dog treat." Heisuke said dismissively, then smirked, "Hey Puppy…"

"Eww! No!" It was sad, but Tetsu now equally responded to not only his name, but also a very insulting term. They were calling him a dog! "No way."

"I think Glitter says yes way." Heisuke purred. "Because you beg so well!"

Tetsu didn't like Glitter, not one bit. Glitter had a nasty shock to 'her.' Might as well take a tazer to him. Besides, rhinestones were far too pussy for him. Glitter needed a make over to include black leather and spikes.

"Do I want to know?" Shinpachi asked, lifting an eyebrow, but with a smirk playing around his lips. Tetsu decided now would be a great time to invoke the 'protect-me-because-I'm-your-cute-boyfriend' ploy. It was low, but he was desperate.

"Glitter and Tetsu are very close." Heisuke replied casually.

By then Sano had swallowed. He glared balefully at Okita. "Where's my pig?"

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Okita teased, "Saizou's at home."

"I want sausage! Where is it?" Sano fumed, shoving a half eaten slice in Okita's face. The purple haired boy shoved it to the side without even wrinkling his nose. The smile turned a bit darker.

"I told you before, there will be no sausage, pork, or hotdogs in my presence. Enjoy your fish." Okita explained pleasantly.

The big senior had a lot of things going for him: an easy going personality, great build, a nice tan. Unfortunately, he wasn't very good at taking hints. Especially when he was crossed.

"So what's this pig-thing?" Ren whispered to Tetsu loudly.

Tetsu made a face, "Saizou is Okita's pet piggy." A warning glance. Tetsu dutifully continued, "He's smart and cute and should never be eaten. On penalty of death. Literally."

"Oh. But Sano isn't eating this pet-thing."

Heisuke gave a vague smile, "That doesn't matter. That could be Saizou's cousin you know?"

"Sano, calm down!" Shinpachi pleaded with his big friend, who had stood up in outrage. Apparently messing with his pizza was a serious offense. Tetsu had never seen him so mad before.

"You changed my order!"

Okita shrugged, "I told you, no pig meat in my presence."

"Sano, stop it!" Shinpachi begged, "I don't want to explain this to the paramedics!"

"Now, now, big boy, let's not be too hasty. You can have some pepperoni! Susumu and I will let you have a piece, okay?" Ren placiated, "Hey, isn't pepperoni pig too?"

"Pepperoni is alien." Saito said with a straight face.

Susumu rolled his eyes, "As in chopped up green guys or made by ET?"

"Okay, enough of that!" Ren said, effectively distracting Sano by dumping the last piece of pepperoni on his plate, "I'll go get the music so we can play Twister properly! Heisuke, I'm raiding your CD case because I don't think any of us want to try right foot on yellow to some of Saito's wind chimes."

"I'll get it. I don't trust you. You're off." Susumu snapped and walked out of the room to retrieve the stereo and cds.

"So what's your New Year's Resolution going to be?" Heisuke asked lazily with his chin on his knees.

"Ah, I resolve not to kill Ryouma!" Okita chirped, gulping down half a can of coke.

"You shouldn't even think of that anyway!" Shinpachi protested.

Susumu walked back in, "And I resolve not to kill Hijikata in the most gruesome, detestable ways imaginable."

"So who's imagination are we going by here? Because I can think up some pretty diabolical things you know." Heisuke murmured. Shinpachi punched him in the arm and retorted, "I think it would take more than bondage to kill that demon."

Ren beamed, "I bet Professor Itou could do it! I remember this one lecture…"

Heisuke jerked his head up, "Oh yeah, that one! That was the greatest ever, but I don't think Hijikata would allow a feather duster near there…"

"A hardcase, eh?"

"The term hardass is a bit more appropriate."

Ren laughed, "Top or straight?"

What in the world were they talking about now? Tetsu could have sworn that all conversations started out normal, and then BOOM! They'd go haring off in some bizarre direction and Tetsu was completely lost! Then no one would explain it to him! It wasn't fair.

"Would the word yardstick help?" Heisuke snorted, rolling his eyes, "What a waste."

"What the hell are you guys taking about?" Tetsu demanded with annoyance.

"You don't want to know." Shinpachi sighed, "Only my cousin and best friend could be saying such things…"

"I wanna know." Sano insisted.

"No, you don't, really." Shinpachi retorted.

Okita waved his hands around, "This isn't really appropriate dinner conversation!"

"True, let's take it out on the floor baby!" Heisuke grinned and jumped up. Saito ghosted out with him, followed by Okita and Sano.

Susumu glared, "Always left with the clean up."

"But you're so good at it!" Ren protested, "Besides, I thought you wanted to be a homemaker? Tip: don't wear woman's perfume in the presence of another cross-dresser. Tip number two: don't wear that perfume. It's too cheap and trashy. Unless you want to be taken for a prostitute."

"Go screw Heisuke."

"Sorry, men really aren't my thing. Besides, my girlfriend would castrate me if she even sniffed an affair." Ren shrugged. "Probably with a rusty knife too, just to be spiteful."

"So if you don't like men, but dress up as a woman, does that make you a soul lesbian?" Susumu sneered. Ren considered, "What an odd term. I suppose it does. But what does that make you? As far as I can tell you don't like either men or women. That leaves hands and animals."

"Asshole."

"…But if you do like women, but don't, does that mean you're attracted to a "soul lesbian?" Since you dress up and all. Damn, I'm confusing myself. I hope the alcohol takes the edge off this headache your problem has given me."

"I could just take your head off. That would solve the problem." Susumu snapped tossing a pile of paper plates in the trash.

"So, I'll have to decline your generous offer. I need my head to finish school." Ren shrugged, shooting a free throw at the trashcan with a stack of cups. It hit the rim and clattered on the floor. "Damn, cause we all know I'm not getting scholarships for my stunning sports abilities."

"Obviously."

"Hey, I don't have a problem with you. So," Ren gave a sly look, "Why are you acting so nice lately? Trying to impress someone, hmm?"

"Uh…"

"Don't lie; I have a knack for things like this." Ren preened, wiping the table slowly with a rag. "Right Tetsu?"

"Erm…"

"Exactly." Ren nodded, "I'm just wondering who it is because… well, you don't seem to like Okita, over Hijikata I'm assuming, or Heisuke. Which makes me wonder why you don't like him. So, I didn't really rule anyone out, did I?"

Susumu twitched angrily.

"Hmm, but assuming those two are out of the picture that leaves me, which is totally not happening for you, soul lesbian or not. And then there's Saito, but I'm 100 sure he's straight. Which leaves Sano and Shinpachi."

"Will you shut up?"

Ren shrugged again and shoved his hair back from his face, "Just guessing there buddy. Maybe I'm totally off and you like… well, I don't know. I'm just following logic and if I were to go one step further… like say Sano's been into the chicks ever since I met him…"

"…Hey Ren, what is this?" Shinpachi asked, shoving a cd case in his cousin's face.

Ren smirked, "Speak of the spoken. And, would you believe that's Beyounce Knowles?"

The short senior didn't look convinced.

"Umm, Aretha Franklin?" Ren laughed in a fake, high-pitch tone.

Looooooooooong silence.

"Fine, fine, it's Lil' Kim. I'm sorry, but can I help it? She's such a great singer!"

Susumu snorted, "Just like Eminem. And it has nothing at all to do with the lyrics, right?"

"What did I say about Lil' Kim?"

"That we should go join everyone in the living room and play nude twister? Not that you should mind, since you're straight and all, just think of it as… the boys' locker room." Ren laughed and dodged past his cousin.

"Jerk!"

Heisuke was already seated in the middle of his cd collection, pawing through it. Occasionally a case would go flying into one of three piles.

"What's the difference?" Tetsu asked, squatting down next to the busy senior.

"Oh, private, personal, and I-don't-want-to-be-held-responsible. That last one is because I don't think the people here would appreciate all my so—ooo! This is a good one!"

"Sex and Candy?" Ren chirped, "That one's cool."

Okita made a face.

"Yes, they're talking about you." Susumu said, "Statutory rape."

Ren shrugged, "Only if someone tells."

Shinpachi looked mortified at his cousin's flippant suggestion. "Don't say things like that!"

"Hey, what about this one?" Ren asked, ignoring his younger cousin's outrage. "You can't blame explicit lyrics."

"No!" Sano screamed and cowered away. "It looks like… HER. That… that… that THING!"

Tetsu peered closer. Who looked like what thing?

"It… that…" A huge shudder wracked his body. "Take it away."

Susumu snatched the cd and hurdled it behind the couch, "They're all Scary Spice to me anyway. Wasn't it Toy Soldiers that said something about psychological warfare? The Spice Girls must be the mustard gas of the music world."

Heisuke flinched and held something up gingerly, "What in the world is this?"

Ren took it from him and carefully put it down. "Sorry, mine. I find her soothing."

"Like put-me-in-a-coma soothing?"

"She's not as bad as her brother."

"In what way? The nose job or the child molestation?"

"Anything that ends in "Jackson" should be illegal." Susumu grumbled.

Sano, having gotten over… whatever it was he had to get over, picked up one and chuckled. "This one!"

"Break it! Quick, before we're all brainwashed!" Heisuke screamed, making a dive for the jewel case. Sano was too quick for him. He pulled the cd out of reach and shoved the small senior back on his butt.

"I think it's a nice song." Okita added, peering over Sano's shoulder from his perch on the couch. He apparently wasn't too keen on getting too close.

"Lalala, I'm not listening." Heisuke sang off key and plugged his ears.

"Do you beeeeeeeelieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeveeeeeeeeeee in looooooooooovee after looooooooove after love!" Ren squeaked in a dangerously falsetto voice before choking and clutching at his throat. "Dang, I forgot the rest."

"There's more? I thought you just pushed repeat." Susumu said sarcastically. He rolled his dark eyes, looking slightly bored. Tetsu guessed this wasn't his kind of music. Although, he wonder exactly who's kind of music this was? Tatsu would be having a heart attack, Tetsu was sure.

"Here."

"Nu-uh, if I can't have my Kim, you can't have your King." Ren said, waggling his finger in Shinpachi's face.

"Why not? He was practically singing about Tetsu with Hound Dog." Susumu grumbled, retiring to his self-staked chair. It was HIS chair and if anyone decided to try and take it… well, it was SUSUMU'S chair. That should be ample warning… Hehe, and a wide open invitation to lay a trap.

"And he was humming your theme song with Jailhouse Rock." Heisuke retorted, still sifting.

"Goodies?" Heisuke asked, twisting up his face, "Okay who's the one who needs to be voted out of the cabin here?"

"Where? I could go for some sweets." Okita said, probably hoping for another slice of pie.

"Trust me, you don't want those 'goodies'." Heisuke remarked, making a face, "Leave those for Ren or Sano."

"Don't make us out to be pigs." Ren retorted, "Just because a lady is well proportioned doesn't mean that's all that we stare at!"

"Yeah, she's got to have a big ass too!" Sano said helpfully.

"Okay, hell-o, gay guy getting uncomfortable here. Next you'll be talking about…" Heisuke gave a slight shudder, "No interest, okay?"

Ren rolled his eyes.

Heisuke elaborated, "I figure it goes both ways, you know?"

"Teacher, may I be excused to dunk my head in the toilet after emptying my stomach?" Susumu snarled, "Oh get off it fag. You're the sick one here."

Tetsu was idly playing with the cases until one caught his eye, "Milkshake? That can't be too bad right?"

The trio snickered and nudged each other.

"If only poor Tatsu knew what we were doing…" Shinpachi grinned and winked. Heisuke immediately backed him up, "Oh, Puppy will just have to sing a few lines of Pony by Ginuwine."

"What about this song?" Okita asked, nudging one over with his big toe. By now there was a sizable collection of cds and Tetsu wondered how in the world they all fit in suitcases. Even if they were shared between Ren and the trio. He should really get a discman and burn some cds. He wondered what sort of music Suzu listened to. Then he made a face. Probably classical or country or some shit like that.

"No way!"

"Yuck!"

"It's a golden oldie."

"And we all know what the Y really stands for." Heisuke chuckled evilly, "What are people really doing in the swimming pool?"

"Are we disgusting wanna-be teenager skanks here?" Susumu groaned and held up a cd, "My God, I should commit homicide right here and now on whoever owns this filth."

Shinpachi laughed and rolled his eyes, "My Prerogative? Doesn't she mean My Provocative? I mean, have you SEEN the music video? Please, if it went any closer you'd be able to see the injection site. No thank you."

"You know, usually I don't say a woman is asking for it just because she dresses a bit sexy…" Ren said uncomfortably, "But geez…"

"No words necessary." Heisuke shuddered, "I love her career's transformation though. From innocent schoolgirl to alluring siren. "

"Don't you mean moral less slut?" Susumu retorted.

"Isn't that a bit harsh… oh wait, you don't have the decency to stop being derogatory. Forget I said anything. Being considerate is beyond your limited scope in life." Heisuke snorted.

"Shut up you prick."

"See?"

"Fuck off."

"Fuck on."

"Oh you nasty bastard!" Susumu fumed, "I'm not a twisted pervert like you!"

Meanwhile Ren was trying to entice Saito into playing…

"…There's this really cool shop online, Dharma something… anyway, I buy you a new set of mala beads if you play! It'll be fun and you don't get enough play. Not to say that you're a dull boy or anything, but it'd be more interesting if you tried new things. Sano was telling me about your trip to the local theme park. You enjoyed that right? Or at least shooting people… don't get any ideas about that though. So you could try this too, right?"

Saito looked unaffected.

"Okay you soulless puppet, work the spinner then!" Ren sighed making Saito accept the brightly colored piece. The pale senior sat down with it in his lap patiently.

"Teams? I mean, there's no way in hell we're all fitting on that itty, bitty thing. And since I know some people…" side glace "Have issues with a lack of personal space, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Sheesh Ren, did you have enough coffee? Your mouth is running far too much."

"Ah, so you volunteer to be first?"

"No!"

"Then be quiet. I nominate myself. Who wants to play against such a supple, flexible person? I'll take on any challenger!" Ren declared, while striking a pose that looked suspiciously like a Greek statue.

"I will!"

"Anyone except Okita because he'll probably try to kill me." Ren amended, "He's such a sore loser. Gifted people don't like to be bad at things."

"That's because we're unaccustomed to such a diabolical thing!" Okita shot back with a smile, "After all, we're people too."

"People my ass… demon." Susumu muttered.

"Was that you volunteering to play me?" Ren demanded.

"Hell no. Why would I want to play with you?"

"Why would I want you to play with me?"

Heisuke burst out laughing and Susumu turned red.

"My turn!" Sano bellowed and Ren decided to stop teasing Susumu. "Anyone else? Playing against Sano will be such a piece of cake. I think we should have prizes for the winners."

"Don't." Susumu glared.

"What? I didn't even suggest anything." Heisuke responded with an innocent look.

"Yes because I cut you off, you sorry ass."

"I'm offended, insulted, and oh my gosh, is that lipstick?"

"Where?" Susumu's hand jerked up to his face.

Heisuke smirked, "Oh, never mind, it's just pizza sauce. You should invest in some paper napkins."

"Fucker."

Heisuke smiled, "At least I'm getting some."

"Enough male posturing, okay?" Ren sighed, "Who else wants to play? Don't make me drag Saito out here. He'll probably end up cranky."

"I will still play." Okita offered, with a slightly dangerous edge to his smile. "But only if Tetsu can too!"

Ren smirked and backed up a little, "Sure thing, but remember: keep it PG! Susumu has bigotry issues and needs to work for Disney because his little brain can only handle so much!"

Saito, apparently tired of waiting, called out in a monotone, "Yellow, right hand."

Okita decided to illustrate that he could actually play cleanly, did it.

"Red, left foot."

Ren complied.

Tetsu still wasn't sure what was so bad about this game. As far as he could tell it was very simple. A few moves later he'd changed his mind and now he was wondering why Shinpachi and Heisuke were having a conversation about "soft porn."

"Blue, right hand."

Tetsu wiggled under Okita's stomach and stretched to the other side of the board. It was the only blue available and he'd be damned if he was going to loose such a simple game. Just a few…more…fingertip…lengths… THERE!

"Ooo, now Puppy's in a pickle." Heisuke observed, "You better watch Sano's next--."

WHAM!

"Shit!" Tetsu screamed in pain and outrage, kicking the big senior as hard as he could with the heel of his sock foot. "You big jerk! That was my hand!"

Sano looked down and blinked, "What hand?"

Tetsu shoved his red and painful fingers in the offender's face and shook it violently, "This hand! It's fucking flat as a raccoon Shinpachi ran over with a hummer!"

"Hey, the raccoon would have deserved it."

"Why are we playing with Sano again?" Ren ask from his contorted pose. He was trying to keep his balance but still lean away from Okita, as if touching the purple haired boy would melt him on contact.

Shinpachi shrugged, "Susumu wanted to play with us."

Tetsu watched Ren mouth something that looked like… 'you?' Oh well, Ren was weird.

Heisuke responded to that sentence by suddenly giving a slight shiver and brushing up against the short senior. He gave a harder one and complained, "I'm cold."

Tetsu was confused. How could he possibly be cold? He'd been bouncing on and off the couch for the last ten minutes urging on one person or cursing another. Not to mention he was wearing several layers of clothing and there was a fire burning just a few feet away. And was that a bit of a flush…?

"So get a blanket." Tetsu suggested, and Heisuke gave him a sharp frown.

"I meant I'm so cold and lonely in my soul."

Susumu grimaced, "Assuming you have one. And are you sure you don't mean your head? I bet your brain cells might actually work if they thawed out."

Sano, still out of tune with the rest of the world, crowed in triumph and started laughing like mad. Ren rocked wildly, his slight build no match for the shockwaves coming his way.

"Stop that you big bear!" Ren demanded. "You're going to tip me over and that's cheating!"

By then Sano was shaking so hard he lost his balance.

CRUNCH.

"Dammit!" Ren howled, clutching his abused foot and rubbing his toes. "That was MY foot on yellow!"

"Not anymore."

Ren retreated from the board muttering, "Since when is Twister a contact sport?"

Heisuke smirked, "Define contact."

"Beat his sorry cheating ass!" Tetsu encouraged Okita. The slender teen gave a cheerful smile, but didn't say anything.

After another ten minutes of screaming, cheering, and general harassment a winner was declared.

"Harada is the winner." Saito said with all the enthusiasm of a mortician.

"Okay, okay, let's not kill each other." Ren placiated as Tetsu tried to bite Sano's arm, "Wait for the alcohol to kick in first, okay?"

"I hope you're not planning on getting too drunk." Okita frowned. He had opted to surrender before one of his body parts became Sano's next victim.

"Does the term "drunk monkey" register? Because I intend to be hazy and not at all responsible for my actions."

"Not me this time." Heisuke said, "I like living."

"I won't." Tetsu piped up. Not that he particularly wanted to repeat his last experience. He was with Heisuke on that.

Okita gave a bright smile and something fluttered in Tetsu stomach… oh wait, that was the mushroom that escaped his nit picking. Stupid things.

"Do you have to beat that into your pet?" Susumu asked and Okita gave him an innocent look, "I just asked…"

Shinpachi was currently tired of the bantering because he got up and nudged Heisuke with his foot. "C'mon you, get up."

"Ungh?"

"Leave him there on the floor. It's where he belongs, and I don't trust him to keep his paws to himself."

"Hey!" Heisuke protested and rolled onto the Twister board. He looked up with a pleased smirk, "Ready when you guys are."

"Rules." Shinpachi requested and he groaned. Shinpachi looked down at him with a sigh, "Do I have to tell you?"

"Will it make any difference?" Heisuke said with a disturbingly cute look. Tetsu was starting to pick up on what Ren had called 'vibes.' It was disgusting and he wanted to be oblivious again. How many times had the googley-eyes gone on and he wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention?

Susumu gave a hefty kick, which the senior avoided. "Quit being a perverted little shit. I bet if Shinpachi had on a skirt you'd be looking up it right now."

Heisuke rolled over onto his stomach and crawled toward the sarcastic boy.

"Hands off." Susumu snapped, swatting at Heisuke.

"No, that's not right. Hands on!" Sano boomed.

Everyone stared.

Sano shrugged, "The board. What? Are you guys going to play or what?"

Twister ended without further incident, but Tetsu realized with growing horror that he was noticing more and more. How could he have possibly missed it! Once he knew what he was looking at it was blazing out hot neon pink signs. No wonder Heisuke never left poor Shinpachi alone. It made Tetsu glad he wasn't the target. He was starting to get that whole 'another wolf's territory thing' now, which kind of pissed him off. Heisuke KNEW Okita liked him.

While Tetsu was deciding whether or not he wanted to be pissed about Okita's possessiveness, or maybe even grateful, the three had started the game.

Started and ended.

"Would you please get your head out of my lap?" Shinpachi asked, pinned by Heisuke. He looked slightly uncomfortable and was scratching the side of his nose.

Susumu took that as an open invitation to shove Heisuke off, "Get your fucking face out of his crotch, sicko."

"Better my face than yours." Heisuke fumed, turning his back to both of them huffily, "And I wasn't the one who decided it was Ring around the Rosy instead of Twister."

"You sure you weren't wrestling?" Ren asked innocently.

"Quite." Heisuke sniffed. "If he would quit fooling around…"

"Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it? You've been trying to turn Shinpachi's head with your perverted antics for the past three years. Where has it gotten you exactly? Because I'm dying to know."

"At least I'm not in love with one of my teachers."

Ren raised his hand and said mildly, "Keep your facts straight or the innocents may suffer. Okita and I have nothing to do with your little tiff, so kindly keep us out of it."

Heisuke looked as if his favorite pet has just turned around and bit him. "Since when have you EVER stuck up for Okita? You traitor!"

"You know he has a thing for Hijikata. I was just pointing out the facts."

Tetsu looked at the purple haired senior in shock and surprise.

Okita gave a broad smile, deigning nothing.

"Okita…"

"Don't worry Tetsu." Okita reassured, scooting closer, "I do love him."

"That's supposed to make me not worry?" Tetsu pouted.

"Like a big brother." Okita finished.

"So he's into incest too. Why doesn't that surprise me?" Susumu snorted, "Brother my ass."

"Or Okita's?"

"That was in bad taste." Okita reprimanded, "Hijikata would never take advantage of me or any other student."

"Or anyone under eighteen he means."

"Why do I feel every word coming out of the mouths in the room is a sexual spar? I thought we were supposed to be having a fun last night, not turning this into hormone politics."

Saito nodded slowly with his eyes hooded, "The sexual tension requires resolution for a productive evening."

"Not you too!" Shinpachi yelped in disappointment.

"I was merely making an observation."

"Ah, but Saito has a point."

"Get laid."

"I do not require aid."

"Oh, so you do things solo?" Heisuke inquired.

Saito merely raised an eyebrow and said in a measured way, "I have a wife."

There was a long, disbelieving silence. Saito looked at them with a slightly bored face, giving no hint of his thoughts. He fingered his mala beads while everyone shifted uncomfortably, wondering if he was trying out a sense of humor or not.

"Sure you do." Heisuke said, breaking the silence with an affable grin. "Anything to lighten you up right?"

"How come we haven't met the lady?" Okita asked with a pout.

"She lives in Tokyo."

"As in Japan?"

"Correct."

"Why the hell are you married?" Tetsu sputtered. He was just now starting a relationship, and Saito was already married!

Heisuke, ignoring the question/answer session entirely, patted the air beside Saito gently, "Nice to meet you Saito's wife."

"Tokio is not deceased."

"She has a name? Now that's just wrong."

"Would she not have a name?" Saito countered.

Shinpachi just laughed and waved his arm helplessly, "No, no, you're right. It's a nice name. Did you make it up?"

"I seem to recall that one's parents often name their offspring."

Tetsu was still trying to wrap his mind around being married before the age of twenty. It just seemed so… restricting. But Saito talked like it didn't bother him in the slightest. How'd they meet, how long had they been married, his parents approved of this?

Heisuke continued his farce, "Yes, my, she's beautiful. She does look a little transparent though. May she should eat a tad more."

"You know women these days. Anorexic or bulimic with fake diets." Shinpachi smirked, wiping away a tear. "You can practically see right through them from a side angle."

"I could've sworn Saito likes them with a little meat on them."

"Who knew he liked them live at all?" Susumu grunted.

"Just because he speaks to the dead doesn't make him a necrophilliac." Ren frowned, instantly defending Saito.

"Now, now, we should get along." Okita pacified.

Susumu glared, "Can I bring out the liquor now?"

"Yes please." Ren smiled, "Sano and I will clean this up. Okita, would you please make some hot chocolate and popcorn for those disinclined to drink? Thanks. Heisuke, put these cds away and Shin get out the pillows and blankets. Uh, Saito… why don't you… find the remote? Yeah."

Surprisingly no one argued, as if they sensed that Ren had broken up a potential string of dangerous situations. But it didn't take long for everyone to complete their assigned chores and gather back in the living room. Tetsu could tell that it wasn't nearly enough time to cool heads. Over that last few months he had come to grips with the worst part of his temper. Maybe everyone was a good influence on him. Even Tatsu had mentioned an improvement, saying he had "matured."

"Heisuke." Okita warned in a low tone as everyone got comfortable. The trio was sprawled out on one couch, Susumu had HIS chair, Okita along with Ren and Tetsu shared the other couch, while Saito made himself comfortable off to the side. "I'm telling you nicely right now: please stay quiet under any circumstances. I like my movies quiet, remember? Do you remember Lord of the Rings? I want to watch Kill Bill in silence."

"But…"

"Heisuke, just behave for once." Shinpachi advised.

"Okay." He agreed reluctantly. He snuggled down between Shinpachi and Sano, looking like he was going to actually try it.

And it worked… for about fifteen minutes or so.

"Don't even start." Shinpachi warned, flicking Heisuke's forehead. Okita shot a glare over across the way.

"But I was just going to say…"

Ren threw a cushion at him without even looking. Of course, it missed and bounced off Sano's head instead. The burly senior growled in annoyance and lobed it back… much harder.

"Ouch!"

Okita lashed out over Tetsu at Ren. Tetsu decided it was best if he just flattened himself and hoped that he wouldn't be hit on accident. Usually he was twitchy during movies, but Okita's legs were effectively pinning him down. Even if he wanted to move, he couldn't.

"Heisuke, hon, please just settle down. I don't like being kicked." Ren murmured lowly, rubbing his dishonored shin, "Read a psychology book. You're always quiet then."

"He won't go because the sad little fucker can't stand being by his lonesome." Susumu snarled, shifting in his chair to look at them. Tetsu almost laughed because he looked like a big, ugly worm with spiky hair all cocooned up in a white blanket.

"Yeah, because then I'll be like you! Alone and bitter."

"Oh, how harsh." Susumu mocked, "I'm not the one about to be kicked out for misbehavior."

"For once." Ren muttered, returning his eyes obediently to the screen.

"I can't read a book. You guys won't let me turn on a light!" Heisuke protested, wiggling.

Shinpachi sighed and pushed him back, "Would a room be too much distance?"

Heisuke shoved his hand away, "I like listening to trash while I'm reading."

Shinpachi, who had to listen to him whine up close, invited, "Just sit over here and calm down."

Heisuke didn't need a second invitation. He clambered over Sano, kneeing him and making him grunt in discomfort, before settling in beside Shinpachi with his head on the shorter boy's shoulder.

Another twenty minutes of silence.

Suddenly there were multiple screams. Tetsu grunted. That wasn't anything worth screaming about.

"Wow, quite the reaction."

"You asshole!" Shinpachi screamed in outrage.

Heisuke jerked his head up and gave an injured look. "What?"

Shinpachi continued to glare with no pity in his eyes, "Why did you do that? You jerk. I thought you'd at least have the decency to keep your hands to yourself."

"But my hands never left my side, I swear." Heisuke pleaded.

Tetsu was trying very hard not keep his eyes on the screen and not on the mini-drama. It was incredibly hard, but he didn't feel like being kicked just for a healthy curiosity. Even so, his ears were practically straining towards the other side of the room.

"Yeah right!" Shinpachi snapped, ripping the covers off. Sano murmured in protest at the loss of warmth.

"Darling, I believe he's got some substantial proof there."

Abruptly Sano seemed to get pissed because he tossed both of them off, grabbed the blanket jerking it over his large form, and continued watching the movie was rapt attention.

"But I am innocent."

"As OJ Simpson." Susumu growled, "Except you're not famous."

"I didn't know there was an OJ on The Simpsons… who's he?" Tetsu asked in confusion. Ren reached over and pinched his cheeks, "So cute when naïve."

Heisuke frowned, "At least liken me to a criminal mastermind, and not that loaded loser who lost too many brain cells to football."

"How about that sex offender that's getting the chair next month?"

"Michael Jackson?"

Okita glared then sighed, "I believe Michael Jackson also qualifies as "loaded." Also, can anyone vouch for the brain cells?"

Ren snorted and remarked softly, "Oh, you mean like tipping the scales of justice with a little gold?"

"You know, Michael and Susumu have much in common."

"Except Michael is rich."

Susumu curled his lip but decided not to say anything.

Heisuke, warming to the topic, "I merely meant that they're both in denial about who they are and what they 'need'."

Okita hit the pause button with a distinctively loud click, "Perhaps I failed to make this clear." He paused for effect. "I will tolerate no interruptions."

Everyone fell silent, and Ren withdrew his legs from the kick-zone. Tetsu, having learned from experience that no matter what the distance you put in between you still got nailed, opted, instead, to cuddle closer. Then at least he would just be thrown off rather than whacked into a wall.

"So shut up you guys, it was just to get to the best part!" Sano boomed.

Heisuke, having regained a bit of nerve, "Oh, you mean the part where the cheesy music plays and the dumb bimbo is in trouble?"

Okita lunged.

Heisuke screamed and tried to hide behind Shinpachi.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Shinpachi howled, jumping up and storming to his shared room. There was an impressive slam and click as the door locked.

Heisuke looked stunned and Susumu looked pissed. Sano shrugged, "Turn it back on."

Okita complied.

"…He's going to miss the end of the movie."

"Who's fault is that you dumbass pervert?"

Tetsu had almost forgotten about the whole thing until he caught Heisuke sneaking out of the room. The prudent part, which he realized actually was part of himself and not Tatsu… for the most part, was squawking in warning. As usual, he ignored it; it wasn't important.

Sliding out from under Okita, which earned him a disinterested glance from Ren and a curious look from Okita, he crawled across the floor to follow.

Peeking around the corner he wasn't surprised to find Heisuke at the door.

He knocked and asked, "Shinpattsan?"

"Go away. In fact, go play with Okita. I'm sure he'd love to kill you right now."

Heisuke's face twitched and he pawed at the door like a cat deigned entrance to this one room… the one the cat really, really wanted into.

"If I said please…? I'll give you a backrub." Heisuke bribed, letting himself thump against the door with his forehead.

"Don't you mean buttrub? After all, you didn't seem to have any qualms out in public; I can only imagine what you'd do to me in private if I let you."

"No, I wouldn't. And that's crude!"

"Isn't that something you would do?" Shinpachi retorted through the door. Tetsu wondered what exactly he was doing there. Sharpening a knife? He'd already had a few beers, but he didn't seem nearly as sloshed as the night at the bar. For a little guy he seemed to possess a greater tolerance than Ren, Susumu, and Heisuke put together.

"I wasn't doing it on purpose… it was the hands. I was bored and they decided to work out the excess energy." Heisuke said smoothly, "Haven't you seen the Addams Family? Think of Thing."

"You're a thing alright."

"That hurt. You don't really want me to go away."

"Yes! I do."

"What you say and what you want are two entirely different things." Heisuke said.

"Except when they mean the exact same thing!" Shinpachi fired back and something thumped on the other side of the door.

"Fine! You know what? I don't care. Stay in there and rot away." Heisuke cried, throwing his hands up in the air. Tetsu could hear him say under his breath, "Reverse psychology is priceless. Almost coon-proof."

Susumu had crept up behind Tetsu, making him jump when he drawled, "Failed again I see."

Tetsu was about to snap back until he realized that the insult was directed towards Heisuke. He might as well have not been there. Wow, for the first time he was actually around without being in the cross fire, or being the offender of the argument.

"When will you get it? He's not interested."

"Pfft, like you'd know about relationships. How are you and Mister Palm getting along?"

"Better that lusting after what's too good for me. You couldn't woo a bitch in heat." Susumu retorted acidically, leaning against the wall.

"I'm gay remember? Bitches hold no interest, in heat or otherwise!"

Suddenly a pillow sailed down the hall and Ren's voice followed, "Okita says shut up or die."

Saito's mellow voice added, "Perhaps the reverse order would be more effective."

"Or that." Ren agreed, "So shut up voluntarily!"

Susumu flipped the middle finger.

Heisuke whispered, "Mastribator."

"Ass raper."

Heisuke snorted.

Susumu shrugged, "Who got kicked out like a mangy mutt who pissed on the rug? You should go sleep in your dog house."

"I think Puppy's the only one who should sleep there." Heisuke smirked.

A sharp object came whizzing around the corner with much more accuracy that Ren could ever muster. It slid between them, humming with deadly intent, before slamming in to the wall. The point quivered violently.

Heisuke's eyes bulged out and he chuckled nervously, "I didn't mean anything by that."

Ren's voice floated down the hall, "He says like hell you didn't. Well, without the hell. Oh, just shut up!"

Susumu, looking around, walked up to the door and knocked.

"Go away Heisuke!"

"It's not him." Susumu replied, sounding almost… decent.

"Oh, well you go away too." Shinpachi replied in a much nicer tone.

Susumu's shoulders shrugged but he persisted, "Can I come in for a sec?"

"Why?" Suspicious laced the tone.

"Because I have beer." Susumu replied, pulling a six-pack

The door crept open and the voice inside replied, "Good enough for me."

"Thanks."

Tetsu almost knocked his head against the floor in shock. Thanks? Thanks! Oh the world must be ending. Susumu the bastards said something… polite! Gasp! This was just too weird. He half expected some murderous serial killer to pop out and take them all out. Or maybe they'd go into The Twilight Zone.

Crouching, Tetsu decided this was better than any movie. Besides, he was sure Sano would recount it, probably word-for-very-wrong word.

He crept up to the door and cracked it so he could see in. Of course all he could really see was half of Shinpachi's face and Susumu's knee. But that was enough to tell him that Susumu had invited himself to sit down on the bed next to Shinpachi.

How dare that bastard!

Beer changed hands.

"Why do you put up with that shit?"

Tetsu wasn't sure if by shit he meant Heisuke or Heisuke's antics.

Shinpachi shrugged. It was a long suffering sound. "Because he's my friend. We're the Trio."

"That doesn't matter." Susumu grumbled, "You shouldn't have to put up with that."

Shinpachi popped the top and promptly gulped half the can. He wiped his mouth, "What can I do?"

"Stand up for yourself and tell him to back off." Susumu suggested, sounding very much like he'd like to do it for Shinpachi.

"I thought I was."

"You're too nice about it." Knuckles cracking, "Or you could get a boyfriend and that'll show him you're taken."

"I don't want a boyfriend." Shinpachi said rebelliously.

"Then you're straight?"

"Well, it's not like I exactly meet a lot of girls at school, or out of it actually. Besides, I don't want to be labeled."

"So you don't know?"

Shinpachi growled at that suggestion, but didn't refute it.

Susumu wisely changed the subject, "So what are your New Year's Resolutions? I can't think of jack-shit. Not that I'd ever stick to them anyway."

Shinpachi rolled his eyes, "I should just resolve to take a firm hand on Heisuke and throw him to the wolves…" He thought about that, "What a play on words. I didn't mean it that way."

"Personally, it sounds like a good idea to me."

"I know I should do something. I just don't want to hurt him I guess."

Susumu's hand slapped down on his knee and he snorted cynically, "He's too thick to be hurt that way. Besides, you don't think you're the first guy he's chased, do you?"

"True."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"What would you be looking for in a boyfriend?"

Shinpachi's eyes closed and he muttered, "What would I be looking for in a partner? Well, for one, I'd like someone who respects privacy and distance. I'm not much for making a huge deal about things. Those people who have one week anniversaries just come off as sappy and insecure. You should know what you have and if you don't, you should find out. Things don't work otherwise."

Shinpachi continued, "I suppose I want someone who will be there and be understanding. Well, that's nothing too original. It's probably asking too much."

Suddenly there was a hand invading Tetsu's line of vision. It curled around the senior's head and fingers dug into his orange hair.

Shinpachi made some sort of noise, but it was drowned out by Sano's shouting, "Three, two, one!"

Tetsu bristled as there was more than just a hand in his line of vision. He now had a very nice view of the back of Susumu's head.

"Happy New Year!" Was the joyous, and slightly slurred by the sound of some of the voices, cry from the living room.

Tetsu, frozen by indecision, tried to scramble back only to smash into someone. He half turned, having a good guess who it was. Although his mind was screaming in horror, he knew enough that friends didn't let friends see such horrors. So he did the first thing that came to his traumatized mind… and threw himself at Heisuke's legs, tripping him up.

Heisuke, while confused by his antics, seemed to be drawn to the horror. Or at least the half open door.

Tetsu let go and flattened himself up against the wall.

"Happy New Ye--." Heisuke's voice cut off sharply and a very dark expression came across his face. With one quick movement he pivoted and marched out without a word.

"Hei--." Shinpachi's voice died out and he looked at Susumu, "I think your plan worked, but somehow I don't think you were pretending."

"What do you want me to say?" Susumu asked, slightly panting and looking through hooded eyes, "That it was all for show? I can't do that."

With a jerky lunge he gave Shinpachi a searing, one-sided kiss and stormed out.

Tetsu, slunk into the room, figuring it was safer in there with a confused Shinpachi than a homicidal Susumu and a pissed Heisuke. Besides, guilt was starting to eat at him for not doing a better job of blocking. If he had done better then they'd be done… kissing… gah! Bleach! He needed mental bleach to obliterate those memories. God, now all he needed to do was think of the word kissing and that lovely image would pop up to sear his nerve endings.

"Tetsu," Shinpachi said, looking through him, "What the hell just happened?"

"Umm, Susumu kissed you and Heisuke walked in on it? Now both of them are really mad."

"Thought so." Shinpachi said numbly, unthinkingly brushing his fingers against his lips.

Ren peered around the corner looking concerned, "What did you do Cuz? Heisuke's packing his suitcase and he won't say a word to anyone."

Shinpachi angrily swiped his lips with a sleeve and gave a frustrated hiss, "I don't even know what I did! Susumu and I were just sitting here talking and then the count down came on… and he kissed me!"

Ren hung his head, "Mind telling me what else you did? Did you apologize, make worthless excuses, or just kiss Susumu harder?"

"It's not like that! I didn't… what was I supposed to do exactly? Shove Susumu face into the wall, make a witty quip, and run away tinkling laughter?" Shinpachi snarled, "It's not like I asked him to kiss me!"

"But you didn't stop it!" Ren said, flipping his long, black hair back over his shoulder, "So now what are you doing? Go explain it to him!"

"I thought you said NOT to make "worthless excuses" Ren!"

"You're doomed to extinction. Make an effort, will you? If you don't, you'll be regretting it! I promise you that."

"Why should I bother? He's the one who's over reacting. Why should I be the one begging for forgiveness?"

"Why? Because the one person who loves you more than me even, if possible, is pissed to high heaven. And whether you believe it or not: it is YOUR fault." Ren said, turning his back, "You should hurry."

Shinpachi turned red, "I didn't ask for my best friend to suddenly want to take it further! I've been trying to keep it together without hurting him."

"Your eyes and your mouth don't match. Don't say anything against it because I'm family. I KNOW."

"Family or not, I should beat the shit out of you for talking to me that way."

"If I don't who will? You certainly need it, you spoilt brat!"

Tetsu was sure that everyone in the cabin could hear them shouting.

"Face it, you fucked up badly! Now you're not human enough to make it up. How sickening." Ren snarled and left the room.

Sano cautiously, which was odd to say the least, poked his head in. "Heisuke looks awfully mad." He reported dutifully.

"Good." Shinpachi automatically snapped and crossed his arms across his chest in a peevish manner.

"No, I don't think it's good." Sano replied, "He's saying he can't stay here another night and is going to hitch hike home. Said something about taking his chances with the snakes on the road, rather than live with the ones in the house. Don't know what he meant by that."

"What!" The short senior wailed and stomped past. Sano looked at Tetsu before following at a distance.

The youngest member of the group wasn't too sure he actually wanted to go out there. Mostly because he was scared of everyone's reaction, but also there were the sharp objects to consider and that stupid worm of guilt chewing through him. How could the Trio be a trio if two members stopped speaking?

"Heisuke!"

Okay, screw all that other shit. He couldn't miss out on this.

Tetsu scrambled out to the front hall and stood beside Okita.

Shinpachi had placed himself in the doorway, ignoring the cold air that was pouring in around him, despite being in only thin flannel pajamas.

"What do you mean you're hitch hiking home? That's utterly ridiculous."

Heisuke just looked at him levelly without a word.

Shinpachi, seeing that the other boy wasn't answering, reached forward to grab his wrist. Heisuke knocked his hand away.

"You're the one who's always going on and on about the predators that are out there. Are you really so mad that you'd put yourself in the hands of psychos?"

Heisuke shrugged and tried to push past him.

When Shinpachi stubbornly blocked his path he turned to Tetsu: "Tell ShinpaCHI that'll I'll do whatever I damn well please. It's not like he cares anyway."

Tetsu's eyes widened but he dutifully turned to Shinpachi, "Heisuke says…"

"I heard him." Shinpachi cut him off abruptly, "Heisuke, don't, stop."

Sano groaned, and Susumu looked amused by the whole scene. Stupid prick. He started the whole thing!"

Okita offered, "Susumu and I hitch hiked here. I'm sure Heisuke would be fine…"

"And thank you so much for bringing him. It's been such a joy." Heisuke hissed, glaring at Susumu. "Now if you're done playing mediator, I have to go. I think if I stay I'll choke."

"My sincerest apologies, but it is the holidays."

"WAS." Heisuke corrected, "And I'm all fun-ed out."

He turned to Tetsu again, "Tell ShinpaCHI that I'm leaving so he can do whatever the hell he wants with his boy-toy without any untimely and annoying interruptions."

"Heisuke Toudou, you say that to my face!" Shinpachi raged, pulling around by his shoulder.

Heisuke started at him with flat eyes and whispered, "Fuck you, you traitorous bastard."

Shinpachi's arms dropped, and he avoided Heisuke's eyes. Defeated, he stepped out of the way without another word. Heisuke sniffed, grabbed his stuff, and walked out into the cold night's air.

Shinpachi slammed the door behind him and marched to the back.

"Well, now that that's over, who wants some champagne?"

"I'll pass. Now that I've seen such a painful scenario, I think I'm going to see if my girlfriend is back in town. It makes me appreciate her." Ren raised his voice at the last sentence, "Plus, I have some last minute homework for Professor Itou. It was a fun time, and I'll see you guys around. Take care Puppy, Saito. Say good bye to Shin for me."

Sano stared around bewildered, "I'm sleeping in the car."

"Take a blanket." Okita suggested and added with false cheer, "I think that's the end of our little party."

"Whatever." Susumu snorted.

Tetsu stared around, not sure how everything fell apart so fast. He hadn't had many friends before and now he was almost disillusioned. Did friendships, and relationships for that matter, fall apart so easily? Maybe it was better not to have any attachments. Was loneliness better than betrayal?

Okita, as if sensing his thoughts, put a comforting arm around his shoulders, "Are you okay Tetsu?"

"No."

"Shh, do you want to sleep in my room tonight?" Okita offered, "I could use the company."

Tetsu knew that was a lie, but he nodded anyway.

"I doubt Saito will mind. Saito, do you mind if I steal your roommate? I feel awfully unnerved." Okita asked. The dark senior shrugged with his usual expression of apathy, "I do not mind."

"Great. Where are you sleeping Susumu?"

"Like you care. The couch."

"All right. Everyone will feel better in the morning."

Somehow, Tetsu doubted that.

**A/N:** walks out with chain mail and a tazer I know that I have cough been slightly neglectful of this fic. And you don't want to hear that I've had this chapter written for almost a year now… Funny how time flies O.o Don't hurt me ducks Enjoy the first half of our lovely little characters' school year .

Fan: The last update was almost a year ago guilty look but it's not dead! LOL, I hope this wasn't the first PMK fic you read. It could give you a completely wrong impression! Bwahaha. But I'm glad you re-found and re-enjoyed it.

Udyjay: WAAAAAAAAAAAH! flails tazer around uselessly I'm glad you're loving this particular brand of insanity. Ren's... umm, weird. But then again, look at him, he idolizes Itou. Random "garu's" and "kyee's" make the reviews spicy... or very confusing - Luckily my head is built with an anti-random unit to deal with my non-linear thoughts and strange noises my animals make.

Vampira the damned: Oh, you poor, poor creature. The first one? And you didn't run away screaming? LOL. But it is loveable, isn't it? I had to look salacity up, but now I may have to steal your word of the day. It's very accurate for this fic! Yes, there are very few Souji/Tetsu stories out there, sadly enough. Who knows why I decided that pairing (I sure don't), but I think it's very appropriate for this particular fic - I apologize for the minor-ness of the pairing, but I'm not a huge romance writer.

Blah: wow, you guys seem to really like this. Then again, there's so many things you could miss the first or fifth or tenth time! Myself included. Sorry for the wait.

Juunko: I do not suggest reading this story straight. I think it's at 200 something in Word right now. Yes, sleeping in class is frowned out (unless you're like me and do it with your eyes open sitting up). Hopefully you're still alive to read the next chapter. See above for my sympathes for having read this first, LOL! You don't need highschool to f-up someone's life, but it is easier! Man how I hated highschool. Yes, names are fickled things. Do what I do: give them nicknames. Just whatever pops into your head the first time you see/read the character.

ran: Yes, those two are good favorites to have. I try to amuse with my warped humor. I'm glad you appreciate it. Even the cruder parts of it.

Fyyrrose: I was so going to make you beta this. But then you were gone... so I decided since I reread over it, that it was probably okay. Then again, who knows. I'm still chewing on the challenge fic glares evilly Why are they so hard! They should be easy compared to some of the others! shakes head oh well.

Night-Owl123: Noted, processed, and posted.


	16. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten: January

Tetsu glared at his math book. He willed it to suddenly burst into flames and burn to ashes. Apparently he wasn't pyrokinetic.

"Tetsu, six times nine isn't fifty-seven."

"It is now." Tetsu growled, scribbling out the numbers violently. "I should invent a new kind of math. One without numbers." From across the dorm room Suzu sighed and muttered something to his cat. The black feline blinked and glared at Tetsu as if it was his fault some dead guy decided that tormenting future generations was his dying wish.

"So I have to tutor you too?" Suzu asked with hooded eyes. He had a spread of calculus ringed around him neatly and a pencil in hand. "You can't possibly do worse than Heisuke."

"Hey, is that any way to talk to your favorite student?" Heisuke grinned, waving a paper around madly, "And see, at least someone appreciates my genius!" A large, red A was circled on the top of the sheet along with some curvy handwritten note. Tetsu never liked seeing those. Usually it meant the teacher was trying to 'encourage' him to try harder.

Suzu's eyes followed the weaving paper as he read out loud, " 'The Gum Stealing Jellyfish'? Do I even dare ask what that paper is about?"

Okita looked up from where he was laying next to Tetsu on the bed reading a text assignment. He wrinkled his nose and gave a mild grin, "So, is that the paper you wrote at 3 am in some trucker's cab?"

Heisuke winced at the reference to New Years, but still held his paper proudly.

"It's a paper on sexual freedom. Can't you see the teacherism choking the life out of our freedom of sexual expression? The title is merely an abstract relation to the dream I had that this is based off of."

"Flashing the freshmen so that they have to have therapy gets rather expensive." Suzu pointed out with a frown. "The school doesn't want to pay for it. And we all know how Hijikata deals with complaints."

"Still, it should be an innate right, like freedom of speech."

"But what about tv? They censor that all the time." Okita pointed out, "Or at least the anime. I mean, why not have someone bleeding to death on the floor but say dang while they're doing it? Censorship tends to edge out the first amendment, doesn't it?"

"Oh shut up with your fancy journalism class crap." Heisuke grumbled then brightened, "Besides, who got the better grade in English, me or you? Why don't you show them your wonderful grade Okita!"

A dark scowl crossed the senior's face and he slammed his book shut loudly. Tetsu and Suzu twitched nervously, wondering how bad the paper could actually be to earn Okita anything other than a sparkly A+. Or which teacher was actually brave enough to give Okita anything less.

"What'd you get Okita?" Tetsu asked, slightly fearful. "It can't be that bad."

Okita's eyes had narrowed into slits and he glared at Heisuke, "Just because you're a favorite…"

"Oh, look who's talking." Heisuke retorted taking a few steps back, "Who's been Hijikata's pet ever since… since I don't know! Funny how you never seem to serve as many detentions as we do. Not only that, but all the teachers go easy on you. So what kind of favoritism is that? Just because Itou gave you a C+ doesn't mean you have to blame me for getting what you've always needed."

"Why don't we let Suzu and Tetsu decide whose paper is better then?" Okita challenged, pulling out a paper that had a curvy note saying that the paper was not up to expectations. It didn't help that the note was in large writing, clearly intended to be read over someone's shoulder.

"Let your little boyfriend judge? I think not." Heisuke huffed. "I thought we were going for fair here."

"Hey!" Tetsu yelped, insulted.

"Whoever said I wanted to read your paper on… jellyfish." Suzu snapped at the same time. He had that paranoid, don't-back-me-into-a-corner look on his face. Tetsu was afraid he might attack any hand that came near. He really wanted that lunge pole Sano had hidden in the janitor's closet. "Or whatever. This is my room anyway! You people should stop showing up uninvited."

"But I was invited." Okita chirped looking at Tetsu. It was true; he invited Okita over to keep him from torching his algebra book. Or at least to help him if it came down to it. Okita admitted that he wasn't a math genius either and had cheated by taking statistics as his math course. "And I was being perfectly well-behaved."

"This is too important to wait on silly invitations. We're all friends here anyway. I mean, you guys have seen me naked, so what's the big deal?" Heisuke said dismissively.

Suzu groaned and rubbed his temples, "I have not seen you naked."

"Oh, you missed that? Well, I can fix that if you want."

"Give me the bloody paper."

Suzu furrowed his brow at the paper and frowned deeply. Occasionally he'd make a face and a small sound of disapproval.

" 'Students should not be forced to wear uniforms. Clearly this is a way to make them into a collective of mindless putty in their teacher's hands. Aside from that, those uniforms are very ugly and navy is not my color.' Heisuke, you cannot put things like that in a report. It is unprofessional."

"But true. Navy isn't a color I look good in. How can I go to class and not think 'bleck, I look horrible'?"

"I am quite sure it is within the realm of possibilities."

Heisuke thought about it, "But then what would my fanclub think? You know, they copy my every move."

"I'm sure some of them would like to do more than that." Shinpachi mentioned darkly, plopping down on the floor by the window. Kagami hissed and her master frowned. Tetsu didn't mind his room turning into the social hub except when it got him in trouble. Speaking of trouble, he never did find out what Hijikata did to Okita for ditching Florida.

" 'It is very hard not to impression the youth of today with lures of brainwashing and ensnaring tentacles. High school is one long battle between the underdog students and those with all the power: teachers. In order to not be raped, students should unite and fight back.' Nice conclusion." Suzu gave a hooded look, "I suppose the word 'raped' was meant in a non-sexual way, knowing you. But you didn't mention any STDs while you were speaking of pillaged privileges."

"Excellent point! I'll be sure to put it in my next paper. So, what'd you think?"

"I only wish suicide was not a mortal sin, for then the lord would give me the strength to shoot myself in the head."

"So you liked it. Great. Now do you want to join us in the fight against teacherism?"

"Absolutely not."

"Speaking of," Okita said looking up with a grave face, "As co-president I need to bring an issue to the organization's attention. Itou, while a substitute, has treaded blithely on the rights of several students whom do not meet his idea of perfect student. Serious action should be taken to correct this gross unfairness before the people suffer under his power-heavy hand."

"Maybe you're just a horrible writer and a sore loser." Heisuke huffed, "I obviously had no problem writing myself an A. You, Mister Automatic Genius, shouldn't have any trouble. Maybe you just have difficulty picking suitable subject matter. No one wants to read about the effects of tsunamis in Asia. So what if they get flooded out? They should have been better prepared!"

"I'm with Okita. So tsunamis didn't float his boat, but did he have to give me a D for writing about the effects of wetland devastation to make way for new subdivisions?"

"Is there some piss and moan going on in here?" Heisuke grinned, "Because it's starting to stink like low-grade crap."

He continued, "Quit being a bunch of jealous haters. Just because I got someone that finally has taken notice of my talent doesn't mean you guys have to jump on me. It's just the credit I've deserved all along."

Okita glared and Tetsu inched away slightly incase this got ugly, "I have never gotten a C in my life. Not even for poor handwriting."

"Itou hates both of us. It's so obvious." Shinpachi added, "If he slaps my desk with his fan one more time…"

Heisuke sneered, "Maybe if he aimed for you head it would do more. And as co-president, I reject the notion that this issue needs to be attended."

"Then I say I will take my own action and anyone who is willing to get expelled but get revenge is more than welcome to come aboard."

Tetsu stared, trying to imagine Okita expelled. Then he tried to imagine himself getting expelled. Somehow the second imagine popped up much faster. That couldn't be a good sign.

"So, are we going to key his car?"

"Itou should pay someone to do it to that piece of junk." Shinpachi grumbled.

"It's a classic!"

"From the Depression."

"Shut it Freshie. You don't even get the pleasure of having Itou teach your classes."

Suzu leaned back against the wall and turned slightly pale, "You have to know that he's substituting a Health class, which conveniently is in the middle of the Sex Education unit."

Heisuke snickered, "That's going to be a blast. Then you'll see his true greatness. I'll ask to be his student aid right away. I want to see you beg for more!"

"Hey, I'm in that class too." Tetsu realized, making a face.

Okita just gave a secretive smirk and Shinpachi rolled his eyes.

Tetsu figured the health class would be interesting, but he didn't expect those two to show up. Okita walked right in and took a seat a few desks away from Tetsu. He even pulled out the textbook and laid it on his desk primly. Shinpachi and Saito were slightly more discreet in their class crashing. Saito, well, he just disappeared into the back like a ghost. Suzu took his seat at the front looking slightly apprehensive and very annoyed. Oh wait, that's how he always looked.

Tetsu wasn't sure who Itou was until the man strode into class. Then his jaw dropped and he pointed, thinking, that's the man who was Ren's teacher. Of course, nothing actually came out of his mouth and a kick from behind him made him remember to close it.

His sharp, cunning eyes surveyed the class, pausing on Okita and Shinpachi. Just as he started to pick up the roll, Sano burst in the room loudly. He stomped in and looked for a seat. Not finding one unoccupied, he went to the nearest freshmeat and sent the kid flying.

"And you are?" Itou asked skeptically, not commenting on the impromptu flying lesson given to the little nerd.

"I am Sanosuke!" Sano bellowed happily, raising his hand in the process. Okita looked highly amused and Suzu was holding his head like he had a headache.

"I see no one by that name on this roll. Are you sure that this is the class you should be attending? I hear that they are attempting to wrestle bears next door and you seem to fit the part nicely. Perhaps you should try over there. This is Health class for freshman. A senior would have to fail…" Itou glanced at Okita and Shinpachi darkly, "Repeatedly to remain here."

"They have beer wrestling? That sounds cool! Where is it?" Sano yelped eagerly and Okita started giggling. "I wanna get wasted before noon! Hopefully the girls will have some nice racks this time. Last time they looked like guys!"

"That's because they were guys, Sano." Shinpachi pointed out levelly, "Guys don't have boobs."

"They should." Sano pointed out.

"Yes, as stunningly intelligent as that conversation was, perhaps Mister Sanosuke would be happier finding that 'beer wrestling' and leaving me to teach my class in peace."

"Roger!" Sano hollered, slamming a few desks and freshmeat around heedlessly as he jumped up. He pounded out the door trampling a few more. The injuries were rising, yet none were enough to escape to the nurse's. Damn.

Itou waited until Sano's banging was out of hearing before turning to the class, "Since that little distraction wasted ten minutes of my precious time with you darling students, I will not bother to take attendance. Consider it a lucky break if you… do not belong or have failed to show up."

Heisuke staggered in with a box of… penises?

Tetsu stared with eyes wide.

"It looks like he bought out the condom store." Shinpachi commented, looking just as stunned by the variety. "Or maybe the factory."

Itou casually picked one of the objects up and began carelessly touching it as he started his lecture.

"I wish he'd stop doing that." Shinpachi grumbled.

"Me too. I am feeling slightly ill." Suzu seconded.

Okita laughed quietly, "I think that's his point. He wants you guys hot and bothered."

"No, I mean I feel as though I am going to throw up."

Tetsu somehow couldn't take his eyes off Itou. Heisuke was right, there was some kind of hypnotizing air around him. He started talking about something called masturbation, explaining the purposes and techniques to use.

"Heisuke should be the one telling us this. He's got plenty of practice." Shinpachi glowered making Suzu roll his eyes slightly and Okita say something about playing nice. Tetsu still wasn't sure what this was all about. He did know that the rubber penis looked like it wouldn't bounce too well, so you couldn't play ball with it.

Itou seemed to have ears like a bat because his lecture abruptly changed as he mentioned, "Masturbation occurs most often when the person's partner or partners are not satisfying enough."

Shinpachi blushed bright red.

"I'm confused." Tetsu admitted.

"Don't worry Tetsu." Okita reassured, "It's better you don't know. Tatsu would have a herna… or another one."

Tetsu pouted. He wanted to know what Itou meant! And why was Heisuke grinning madly?

"Another reaction to poor performances is an orgy. This is when…"

"What is this? A refresher course?" Shinpachi muttered. "I've known that since I was like ten."

"Hopefully not from experience." Suzu asked mildly. "Or were you simply watching the Adult Channel with your father?"

"Since the young man in the back seems to know so much, then perhaps he should come up to the front to help with… demonstrations. It is always refreshing to find such willing volunteers."

Itou peered around the room before landing on Tetsu. There was a light bulb click and he added, "And you, the short one with the red hair who looks like he can't get into a PG-13 film."

"I don't see anyone like that." Tetsu muttered and Okita giggled, "I think he means you Tetsu. He knows better than to pick on me!"

"Me? Me! No, no way." Tetsu protested venomously pointing to Suzu, "He needs more help that I do!"

Suzu turned bright red and hissed, "Just go up there."

"Come now. There is no reason to be shy. I do not bite."

"Much." Suzu muttered, "Or maybe just not when there is no one tied up with ropes."

"There is nothing to be afraid of." Itou finished with satisfaction.

Tetsu exploded, "I'm not afraid!" while Suzu sighed, "He's too stupid and naïve to be afraid."

"But it's endearing." Okita protested.

"I'm not stupid either!" Tetsu yelled, making sure to kick Suzu's calf on his way by up to the front. The white haired boy yelped and glared, but made no move to retaliate, which is what Tetsu had hoped would happen. The yelp had been very satisfying and his foot itched to do it again.

Itou played movable clay with Tetsu and Shinpachi. All Tetsu knew what that it was incredibly uncomfortable and that Shinpachi smelled. He just tried not to sneeze all over the place.

"This," Itou gestured to the two of them, "Is incorrect. Can anyone tell me why?"

"They're still clothed." Heisuke smirked darkly. Suzu groaned and said, "Tetsu's legally jailbait?"

"They're both guys!" Someone shout from the back then yelped as they were hit with a paper clip.

"No, no. Any other guesses?" Itou smirked with thinly-veiled amusement from behind his fan.

"Because, Professor Itou, the position angle they are in would result in a torn rectum wall, which would increase the chance of transferring STDs, most notably HIV." Okita said, unperturbed by the jealous and hateful looks.

Itou looked mildly displeased to be answered by the class crasher: "I am amazed yet again. Someone bothered to read the chapter."

"Too bad he's not in this class." One of the freshmeat muttered from the back. He didn't even have time to avoid getting hit right between the eyes.

"Yes, well, it is simply too bad for Master Soujirou. Reading books seems to be the extent of his abilities." Itou replied mildly, fanning himself.

"Who's to say I don't have the experience you so badly want?" Okita grinned baring all his teeth viciously. Apparently he was tired of behaving himself quietly in the back.

"Because no one wants a child. They are… lacking."

Suzu sunk down in his desk looking like he wanted to melt. It didn't help that his desk was right in the middle of the crossfire between the two.

Okita ignored that and continued with a wink, "But I'm very close to Toshi. Very close. And I'm above the age of legal consent."

"At least it avoids a lawsuit." Suzu said to himself.

"You may be eighteen, but you are still a novice. You have yet to acquire the skills that are necessary to please a man of Hijikata's tastes."

"What can I say?" Okita purred, leaning forward with lidded eyes, "I'm a phenomenal learner and eager to please. Books are good for more than just reading. After all, the library was excellent, although not nearly as good as the glass elevator."

"Fantasies are private affairs Master Soujirou." Itou advised sharply, "And personal experience is quite different. I am vaguely surprised that you have gotten anywhere, considering how you look."

Suzu was now looking really sick. He raised a hand and asked in a nauseated voice, "May I be excused?"

Itou, unhappy to be interrupted, sneered, "Have a struck a flame and you need to put it out in the showers?"

Suzu's eyes narrowed, "I need a toilet."

"How modest, however, there is only twenty minutes left in class. I do not allow restroom excursions. We are all adults here and do not need pull-ups to hold our bladders."

"It is not my bladder that is having difficulties, sir. I very much doubt the class or the janitor will be very pleased when my stomach revolts on this desk. Aside from that, do the words 'suing for wrongful education' strike any cords?"

"Heh, Kitty, Combstock is pretty dead. You can't make him pay for making sexual education in public schools a mandatory possibility." Heisuke then looked at Itou, "Tsk, see, I told you he would not take it very well. I'm sure the stick is wedged so tight it won't come out unless something takes its place."

"Young man, there is nothing 'wrongful' in the education you are receiving here today. It is all natural and you must know about it for your future."

"I demand to be excused for religious reasons." Suzu said forcefully.

"Suzu's religious?" Tetsu asked and Shinpachi answered, "I'm thinking about converting myself."

"Religion has no bearing on the greatness that is sex. Now sit down."

"I refuse." Suzu said darkly, "I find this all extremely offensive."

"So you like being on top. Very well."

Okita piped up, "Let him go. It's so sad when you have to have a captive audience to live your sexual fantasies. You should supplement your income with that talent and drive."

"No, Master Soujirou, you seem to be slightly backwards, as usual. My audience is captivated to be here in my glorious presence."

"Absolutely." Suzu snarled sarcastically with his hand over his mouth. Tetsu edged back from his desk just in case. He glanced over to see Shinpachi attempting to sneak around Heisuke to escape out the door.

"You," Itou was staring at Okita with murder in his eyes, "Have no natural talent. Such a waste."

"Ah, but I have my modest looks and stunning personality to go on." Okita replied serenely.

"For another few years, until you start looking like Frankie Muniz. Then what will you have?" Itou asked with false sincerity, "Sadly, you are no better than a dumb blond with a DD rack."

Suzu apparently had enough. Or he really was going to throw up. He walked towards the door and Itou gave a shark-smile, "Look, another volunteer."

"No."

"You certainly have a disregard for authority. I believe I recognize you from some place. Oh yes, you are Yoshida's ward, correct? No wonder you're limp and unresponsive."

"Do not insult Mister Yoshida." Suzu said lowly.

"I merely was pointing out a social fact about your beloved teacher. He is not the best of company."

"I am leaving." The freshmen explained slowly, in a deep tone, "Expect to be reported for sexual harassment."

"If you wish to make such a claim, then perhaps you should wait until there is actually an action to charge." Itou purred, clearly not taking Suzu's threat seriously.

Ruby eyes flicked between Itou and Heisuke and he looked pole-axed. Muttering to Tetsu and Shinpachi as he passed "it explains so much" he stormed out of the class. Probably to the bathroom.

"Now, class, apologies for the distractions." Most of the freshman had either evacuated through the second story windows above the rose garden or were cowering in frightened huddles to the side, "We can continue."

He paused to see who hadn't fled. Okita was suddenly very quiet and Tetsu could almost see the devil horns being beaten with a halo.

"Since most of the class has slipped away, the rest of the lesson must be condensed. There seem to be several slow learners in this class, so I shall have to use heavy tactics to get the lesson home."

"What was it before?" Tetsu whispered to Shinpachi. The senior shrugged and whispered back, "I didn't learn anything except you're a heavy Puppy."

"Am not!"

"Perhaps Master Soujirou would like to share stories of his conquests and prowess while I get some more supplies from the back?"

Okita gave a large, silly smile, "I'm afraid in a class of adolescent boys that wouldn't be too wise. It's embarrassing enough to see the nurse for rosebush scratches. I'm sure than seeing her for a sprain in other areas would be eternally scarring."

"Dreams are only that." Itou said over his shoulder, "Heisuke, watch the class for me please. Ensure that no more decide that class is not worth attending. The others shall be punished later."

There was a subdued buzz of desperate conversation. Tetsu decided he was tired of standing up front and took Ted's abandoned seat next to Okita. The senior had a rubber band gun and several straightened paper clips littering his desk. Shinpachi sat down on the other side with a harsh sigh, "This is ridiculous. Isn't this child abuse or something? The man's nuts."

"You want Itou's nuts?" Heisuke cat-called from across the room and Shinpachi turned a furious red. "Ouch. Hey, don't hit me with those Okita."

"Sorry, it was just a practice shot to see how far I can shoot!" Okita shouted back waving his "gun."

"Shoot that again and you will be asked to leave." Itou remarked coming back in with some sort of doll. It was tucked under his arm in a gentle manner.

"What the hell is that?" Shinpachi yelped before slapping hands over his mouth. His eyes bulged from a lack of air and he gasped, "Is that like a sex voodoo doll or something? It looks just like Hijikata!"

"What? I don't get it." Tetsu said, squinting.

"Black hair, black eyes, and a scowl? It looks just like him." Shinpachi insisted.

"But Hijikata isn't that small." Okita noted cheerfully.

The door to the classroom slammed open as Hijikata walked in with several students herded in front of him. There was a dark scowl on his face, apparently he wasn't keen on dealing with Itou either, and he kept snapping at the students to make them move into the room. Once they were seated he looked up. Okita waved happily and Shinpachi ducked.

"I found these brats walking the halls. There are several more in the nurse's office due to extensive scratches. When asked, they said that you were the reason behind them. Also, there is another student who is very sick with the flu claiming sexual harassment. I am sure that he is simply…" long pause "Delirious. Since you would never do something like that as an upstanding teacher."

"So you came to watch over me? How kinky."

"You meant to say 'how kindly,' didn't you Professor?" Okita pointed out helpfully. Hijikata's look promised Okita a lot of trouble once the class was over.

Hijikata gave a harsh glare at the comment, ignored the voodoo doll, and leaned against the wall towards the back.

"Souji, why are you in here and not welding?"

"I got kicked out and decided to help Tetsu here understand! I'm a very helpful boy you know!"

"Would you want Okita with a blowtorch anyway?" Shinpachi said under his breath. "His hair alone is a fire hazard."

"I hope that Souji has…" Hijikata glanced at Itou, "Behaved. If I had been aware you were teaching in this class, I would have given him something else to do."

Itou tittered, "Oh no, Master Soujirou has been a very helpful student. Especially since he was not on the roll. In fact, he seems quite experienced. You have been a very kindly father figure to the boy."

Hijikata twitched.

Itou continued, "I simply hope he found his way into the whorehouses alone. You know how boys are at that age."

"Continue your lesson."

Itou nodded slightly and started in a slick voice, "The male body is infused with many chemical and physical signals for arousal. When the male body gets excited, the mind sends out messages to the nerves. This," Itou reached down and grabbed the doll to demonstrate, "Causes the blood vessels to expand and oxygenated blood floods the penis, relaxing it."

The class was silent.

"There are many things that could stimulate this response." Itou continued, sensing he had an attentive audience and a controlled Okita. He stroked subconsciously.

"Now I'm sick. I'll never think of the Demon the same way again." Shinpachi howled in quiet misery. Okita poked him and hissed, "Hey, only I can think of him like that!"

"Like what?" Shinpachi said in alarm, realizing what he had said.

"Kissing can be a form of excitement." Itou said. "If it is done properly. If Hijikata would please come to the front, I need a visual."

Hijikata stared. Did he look kind of scared? Okita just looked mad.

"It is in the name of education, so do not be so stingy." Itou added bluntly. Heisuke grinned behind him, perhaps thinking he was safe, and commented, "So the rumors about the secretaries were true." A well-aimed paperclip hit in a not-so-nice place and Tetsu winced. This time it wasn't Okita holding the gun but Shinpachi.

"I do not believe in rumors. If you do indeed have a reputation, then I wish you to prove it." Itou added hopefully. Hijikata wasn't buying it. He hadn't retreated, but he didn't look eager to lock Itou in combat. "Playing hard to get I see. No matter. There are other signals given as well. Not all of them are physically. For example, there are visual attractions. Glances, winks, and stares are all types of flirting. Your subject usually notices that they are under scrutiny, and it may get them interested."

"Now we're in dating 101?" Shinpachi muttered and Heisuke whispered, "Might work out better for you. You need to learn a bit in that area."

"Now, now, stop teaching Tetsu bad habits. He needs to be a gentlemen." Okita chided making Tetsu blink in confusion. Just who was teaching him bad habits again? He was pretty sure that the Trio wasn't entirely to blame.

"Looks play an important part in partner selection. However, just because you look like a cheap hussy, don't expect to attract true, sophisticated men for longer than a one-night stand. No matter how good the sex is, no one wants to have it in the dark for the rest of their life."

Okita's hand shot up in response, "But Professor, what if you have money? Can you justify paying for sex? Some people are old and ugly and don't look like a cheap hussy, so they have to have other ways of attraction. Otherwise they'll be deprived or obsessive. So how does that fit in with the standard morals of today's society and the social contract between the sexes?"

"Obviously there has to be more to it than mere attraction by looks or money or class. If there wasn't, you would not be sitting here annoying me today."

"But Professor, what about forced marriages or preteen pregnancies."

"I am a sexual education teacher, not an ethics instruction." Itou managed with dignity, "Ask your mother. I'm sure she can answer your question."

"My mother is a very strong-willed woman, Professor Itou. I can only hope to be half as persistent in my true love."

Itou frowned, "I see."

"She would like you." Okita observed, "I should give her your phone number."

"Indeed. Perhaps I should speak with her."

"Please." Shinpachi muttered darkly. "Then there would be no more Itou. The world will rejoice."

"My sister would be even more interesting I think." Both Hijikata and Shinpachi paled but Okita continued, "She likes to break men."

"Souji…" Hijikata rumbled in warning and Okita gave a sweet smile that promised pain, "Sorry Mister Hijikata. I apologize Professor Itou. I was way out of line, and you are the teacher."

Shinpachi started choking for no reason. Itou and Hijikata looked on with equal expressions of apathy. Compassion was apparently part of the curriculum. Okita jumped down and patted him on the back while Heisuke hovered.

"I volunteer to take him to the nurse!" Tetsu blurted out.

Itou frowned, "Nonsense. The boy is fine. Besides, you have already volunteered enough already. You, when did you get here? Tardiness is unacceptable."

Saito bowed his head and said politely, "Apologies, but I have been in class this whole time. I will take him to the nurse. You have four minutes and twenty-four seconds to finish your class in any case."

Itou glanced at the clock in disappointment, "Very well. Time seems to fly when you are immersed in learning. Class, pack up. I will see you next 'A' day if your current teacher is still out with a personal illness. I look forward to such an occasion. If there is no such occasion, then I will at least leave you with a permanent impression."

With that, Itou crossed the room and pressed himself against Hijikata before the larger man could react. He deftly caught any hands and pressed down making sure to trap the other man's legs with a desk and chair. All of this was done with practiced ease and the dark vice-principal was trapped.

"I'm going blind!" Shinpachi howled while Tetsu tried to cover his own eyes. When that didn't seem to be working he gave up and watched the show. It would give him nightmares for months to come.

"Told you guys he was good." Heisuke smirked with satisfaction.

"And if your prey has any doubts about attraction, stun them with your amazing abilities." Itou finished, grabbing his bag and props before sauntering out.

The freshies fled, not wanting to be in the same room with the molested demon. Tetsu felt some strange obligation to see if Hijikata was okay, but self-preservation kept him at a distance.

Okita had already rushed to the older man's side and was asking a non-stop stream of concerned questions. Hijikata brushed the questions off, but didn't seem to mind Okita practically sprawled over him.

"That was fun." Heisuke commented happily, "I can't wait for college where I can have a professor like that for a whole semester!"

A/N: what crack was I smoking when I wrote this! Hehe, Eat-o (yes, J, I'm still stuck on that; you shouldn't let me watch Americanized anime!). He was way too much fun to write! And who knows why I named the file 'jellyfish'.

Fyyrrose: No more reading on the bus for you! I'm sorry about MF )) Your bus-mates are now scarred for life, but I was being slightly vindictive when I wrote that chapter (I was on a plane and very cranky). Umm, as for Shadows... X.X this better not become a trend. I'll pass it off to you and your Grav. and go back to my Shonen-ai.

JRock-Chik: You poor, poor people. Why ever did you pick this one first? I agree; there is way too much fluff. I mean, it's about war and killing and revolution... But I think there's too much angst too! LOL. So hard to please. I wasn't much of a HxO fan until I started writing it. Mostly because Souji is a blast to write (I wish I had someone to needle like that 24/7. The managers at work run away from me and it's no fun then ;.;). I think I ended up on OkiTet because of the fic "Shades of Lavender"? I think that was the title. And, I'm not big on authority/subordient (curse you wordpad for not having spell-check) relationships (ie. teacher/student). And, as for the Trio, they're priceless. Personally, I like Shin/Sano, but fyyrrose wanted Shin/Hei, so... Woah, chatty tonight. Well, enjoy this chapter -


	17. Chapter Eleven

Quick Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with American Idol, none. Actually, I'm pissed because it bumped off House. January 

"We need to fix Itou."

"My, you sound jealous."

"I'm not! He's just a jerk. Besides, what about you? What's all that bullshit about being Hijikata's lover? You can't be serious, can you?"

Okita paused, looking at Shinpachi with a slightly bewildered expression, "Well, since Ayunee wasn't there someone had to remind Itou that he's taken."

Shinpachi shook his head, "The morals at this school are really screwed; you know that? Besides, Ayunee can take care of herself and her demon."

"Why'd he get to teach… um, you know?" Tetsu asked, "That's what I want to know!"

"It could have been worse. He could be teaching anatomy… or worse, ethics." Suzu muttered, buried under his blankets. The only visible part of him was his feverish ruby eyes. They were half squinted and he sounded interested in the anti-teacherism meeting for once.

"Hey, guys!"

Tetsu jumped guiltily at the voice. He quickly snatched up his math book and pretended to be engrossed in the text, his pencil scribbling madly. Both Okita and Shinpachi had sworn him to secrecy. He knew the minute he saw Heisuke, his mouth would get away without him, despite the screaming Tatsu-voice, and the jig would be up.

"Great news! Professor Itou invited us to dinner!"

"And that's great?" Shinpachi muttered, pretending to look out the window and not at Heisuke.

"He wants you to come, Okita. Oh, and Tetsu too." Heisuke continued, ignoring the redhead's barb. "Hijikata and Sannan are going to be there of course. And Tatsu can come if the widdle baby needs someone to hold his hand."

"Do not!" Tetsu screeched, totally forgetting his resolve not to say anything to Heisuke. He jumped up with his fists failing and added, "And I'm not a baby!"

"He just wants me to come so he can sit me across the table and make me watch his perversion." Okita remarked lowly, his bangs shading his face. "Oh, and Sannan is going as well? Is Akesato invited?" A smirk curled around the senior's face, although Tetsu couldn't imagine why.

"No idea." Heisuke shrugged, "I'm just the messenger."

"Invitation accepted." Okita's eyes twinkled.

Ruby eyes glittered from under the covers and Heisuke jumped, "Crap, I didn't even see you there! What were you doing, watching me? Staring at my ass? My luscious lips?" The eyes blinked and there was a rustling as a single finger emerged. "Aww, how sweet, did you lose your voice too? Professor Itou also invited Yoshida…"

Suzu bolted up.

"But that stick in the mud declined. Actually, he said something like he would rather watch a hanging than attend any dinner with Itou." Heisuke grinned, like he thought it was funny. "You know, if he would just open up and be a little more social, Itou could help fix his repression. He would be much happier for it."

Without a word, Suzu disappeared again.

"At six, right?" Okita asked, looking thoughtful.

The five of them were packed in Hijikata's car.

Tetsu kept running his hands over the seats, marveling at how smooth and clean they were.

"Stop putting finger prints on my leather."

The redhead jerked his fingers back and put them in his lap but not before sticking his tongue out.

"Do that again and you will not have a tongue."

Tetsu's jaw dropped. How did he see that? Even Tatsu didn't have eyes on the back of his head! He stared at the dark hair, wondering what weird voodoo spell grew eyeballs on the back of people's heads.

"That is it." Hijikata slammed on the brakes making Okita complain about how Hijikata just killed him and moan how hard the level was. "Get out."

Tetsu blinked. How did he know!

"Out. Now."

"No way!" Tetsu stared out at the dark woods. They hadn't seen a car in at least five minutes. It was practically the middle of nowhere! If he got out he would be swallowed up, never to be seen again. Tatsu would howl and crying saying for once he should have put his little brother before his job and Okita would throw pop rocks on his empty grave!

Before he could protest, Hijikata had wrenched him out of the car and manhandled him to the side of the road. Jumping up, he raced to the passenger side, intending to open the door and jump back in.

Click.

Curse that bastard invented made automatic locks!

"Hey! Hey! You can't leave me! That's child abuse and the cops will arrest you!" Tetsu's voice quavered slightly, wondering if there was actually a cop that would be brave enough to cuff Hijikata. "And Tatsu would quit too!"

The only reply to his threats was the peeling of rubber and flying gravel. Tetsu could just barely see Okita waving. He hoped it was encouragement to put that gym class training to use and not a good-bye forever sort of wave.

By the time he caught up with the car he had managed to skin his knees, anger a raccoon that chased him for two blocks, make his lungs burn like fire, and knock his head against a low branch. The tree suffered for that mistake.

"Have you learned your lesson, brat?"

"Um…" He wanted to use a few choice words he learned from Sano, but he didn't think that would get him back in the car. "I'm sorry?" Those were magic words.

"For?"

"Uh… making your seats dirty and sticking gum to the back of your chair?"

"What!"

"Eh-heh, kidding?" Tetsu squeaked as Hijikata gave him an acidic look. Okay, the gum was going to be on the way back, but maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

"Toshi, just let him in. We'll be late." Ayunee interceded and he gave her a grateful smile. She looked really nice, much better than him, and he wondered why she was so showy. Surely going to dinner at Itou's wasn't such a big deal? Or rather least he didn't see any reason to do anything special for the slimeball. In fact, he was slouched in his wrinkled, grass stained gym uniform.

"Yes, it will take far too long to get a correct apology from him." Suzu muttered into the pages of his book without looking up. He looked less than pleased about it; however, he was wearing clean, neat clothing.

Apparently, despite Heisuke's teasing, Yoshida did accept Itou's invitation. That meant that Tetsu wasn't the only one being dragged to the horrid event. However, Yoshida was attending later, so Suzu got shoved into the car between Tetsu and Okita.

"Get in. If I hear a sound out of you, I will leave you at Itou's."

Tetsu gulped.

"So cruel!" Okita protested, although Tetsu wasn't sure if he was addressing Hijkata's threat or his video game.

The car pulled up to an iron gate with a large house behind it. Hijikata leaned out the window and pressed the call button. After muttering a few words, the gates rolled open for them.

"So it's true, Hell really does have gates." Suzu remarked, hunched over.

"I wonder if he sells romance novels under a secret pen name." Okita speculated, glancing up from his paused game. Suzu snorted, "He's probably a porn star or erotic novelist."

"Eww," Okita blinked and smiled, "But then someone other than his mother would have to see him naked!"

"Now guys, such wild speculation can be extremely harmful." Ayunee reminded them, looking calm as usual. "You need to be polite to our host. Right Toshi?"

Hijikata remained mysteriously silent on that particular subject.

"A house like this does not come from a career in teaching." Suzu murmured, looking slightly embarrassed to be "gossiping."

As they pulled up the drive a flood light went on blinding them. Still, Hijikata managed to park the car without hitting anything. Tetsu wondered if this was part of some ploy for Itou to catch his prey off guard like he was talking about in class the other day.

Itou met them on the porch. He flicked his fan back and forth, looking smugly at Hijikata who got the dubious honor of leading the sla—er, parade. There was a dark frown on his face but he managed a gruff good evening.

"Good evening Mister Itou." Ayunee remarked and he gave her a cursorary glance, and then looked past her to frown at Okita who was walking and playing his game at the same time.

"Ahem, Master Soujirou, what is more interesting than greeting your host? I am sure you have been taught better manners."

Okita gave him a wide-eyed, innocent stare like it hadn't occurred to him he was being rude, "It's a cute little game. It's called Nintendogs. You get to play with puppy dogs."

"Why are you playing a game? You have a real one right behind you." Heisuke remarked, emerging from the house.

"Well, we shall entertain ourselves until the rest of the guests arrive."

He led them into a nice room. Tetsu's eyes bulged out. Everything looked… normally. Actually, it even looked sort of nice and classy. There were no penises on the wall or naked photos anywhere. Dark leather couches lined the room and a fire was crackling and sputtering to the side. Dim lamps were lit and drinks waited on the dark coffee table.

Everyone paused, looking at Hijikata, who was looking like he was not ever going to sit down on black leather, never mind that's what they rode in.

"Go ahead and sit down. I will be back shortly." Itou gestured and Hijikata had no choice but to gingerly sit down on the sleek couch.

Okita ran an admiring hand over the surface before plopping down and pressing a few more buttons on his game to save it, "How many cows do you think this is?"

Suzu sulked in the corner, bookless, "Are you sure they were cows? I think it is more like human skin."

Okita giggled, "It is very soft."

"What! Humans?" Tetsu yipped, unseating himself and landing on the floor. Hijikata glared at him and he scrambled up hastily.

"No, silly, just cows. You should relax."

"How can I relax? We're in the den of the enemy!"

"Shhh! Just think of yourself as a ninja, okay? You're collecting data on the enemy, so you have to keep a low profile and be quiet; else you'll get caught, right? Sit down and have some water; I don't think Itou has soda or sports drinks."

"Like Tetsu could ever do reconnaissance." Suzu snorted.

Tetsu didn't notice when Itou returned, but he did notice Okita stiffen and stare at the door. Glancing at Hijikata was almost funny. The man was hunched up like he was in an icy shower and trying to stay dry.

"Relax, be comfortable. It is not good for your muscles to be so tense. If you would like, I could ease those cramps away." Itou offered and Hijikata kind of shied away toward Ayunee. She gave a polite, if cold smile, "Let's just leave that to a professional, alright? After all, we wouldn't want to impose on our host. You've already set up such a beautiful reception."

"Why it is no trouble at--." Before he could finish his gracious sentence, the doorbell rang, "Excuse me."

The resulting screams could be heard even in the living room.

"Whore!"

"You fucking slimeball!"

"Wait, you two know each other?"

"Unfortunately." The two answered in unison. "High school."

"And that _thing_ is why I begged my parents to go to an all-boy, private school."

"He sent me home crying too many times to count. Well, until I decided to get even with the bastard."

"Yes, your pitiful attempts at revenge were all ruined at the Prom, were they not? The whole school will remember _me_ and not _you_!"

Okita smirked and looked at Hijikata who looked even more hunched over than before. He looked like a caged panther that was drugged, embarrassed, and harassed.

"If that's how you want to be remembered."

"That would be the price to pay for infamy. You simply were not willing to make such a strong impression, and for that squeamishness, you lost."

"Umm, can we come in?"

Itou paused and said with disgust, "I suppose you mean all three of you? Very well, if you must bring that… woman."

Sannan chuckled, "She is my wife."

"Then I pity you and blame her vixen-spell of deceit for leading such a good man astray."

Okita straightened his face and leaned against Tetsu. When Sannan, Akesato, and Saya entered, the two girls were both bright red, although for different reasons. Saya seemed embarrassed for her mother's flavorful language but she still waved shyly to Tetsu.

"Hehe, look out Okita, you have some competition." Heisuke teased, being even more obnoxious than usual.

"I see you… had a child. Fascinating, I didn't know sirens could reproduce." Itou remarked, eyeing Saya. "Well, it seems to have turned out fairly normal looking. Now all we need is our last guest…"

Suddenly Suzu was ringing. He fished out a cell phone and flipped it open. After a low and hurried conversation, he looked up with a deadpan expression, "My master sends his regrets; however, he had something very urgent come up and is now in the hospital. Again, he sends his regrets, as he was looking forward to a pleasant evening with Professor Itou."

"He is not ill or injured I hope?"

"No. He is fine. Just delayed and uncertain how long he shall have to remain."

"Pfft, he just did a cop-out." Heisuke muttered, disappointed that Yoshida still managed to wiggle out of the dinner, "Some lame excuse like taking a pregnant woman to the hospital I bet."

"Or he ran over a puppy." Okita suggested, "Then he cuddled the little creature to his chest in sympathy and ran it to the vet."

"God sent a dark omen to warn him from coming." Suzu sighed, "Why could God not include me as well?"

Tetsu's jaw dropped, "What happened?"

"Bambi committed suicide on his new BMW."

"How unfortunate. Luckily, I have lent my support to a petition allowing permit-less hunting of the local deer populations. Those animals are simply a menace." Itou shook his head, "It is sad when the city allows such beasts to get so out of control that they endanger innocent lives and cause so much damage. One can only hope that they lift the limit and severely reduce the hazard those beasts present."

Tetsu stared and whispered, "You would kill Bambi… on purpose?" Bambi had always made him cry as a baby.

"Yes, however, it is the females, as usual, that pose the problem." He glanced at Akesato, "Females seem to exist solely to bear offspring and make the males utterly despondent. Therefore, hunters should actually aim for the does, pregnant preferably. Two birds with one stone you see."

"Still sexist, why am I not surprised?" Akesato shook her head, "I hope this house isn't just for show because you'll need that money when you get old and decrepit. At least then you won't be able to talk. Then you might actually be able to get someone to love you. Or at least your money."

"I hear your words. They are pretty, yet they have no meaning behind them. When we met in twenty years and I have my money and you have your… shall we say sagging flesh and ill manners, then we will see who has lead a wholesome, full life."

"If you haven't die of AIDS by then that is."

He simply gave a slick smile and conceded the point.

"Shall we eat? My cook has made a delicious dinner for us to enjoy."

"What is it?" Tetsu asked, sure it wasn't McDonalds or instant ramen. "Ham? Bacon?"

"Close." Itou slap his fan shut with pleasure, "Melt-in-your-mouth pork roast. You have never tasted better, I promise."

Tetsu glanced over at Okita, who was being dangerously quiet. He just smiled in reassurance and followed the group through a long, elegant hall to an impressive dining room. The long table was impeccably set with fine china and a pristine tablecloth with matching napkins.

"Does he seem too anal to be a real person?" Suzu whispered to Tetsu, never losing his sulky look.

"What about his butt? I mean, yeah, he can be a butthead, but don't you think that's kind of rude to say when he can hear you?" Tetsu hissed, wondering why he wasn't the rudest person in the room for once. Both Suzu and Okita seemed bound and determined to outdo him at his own game, which was weird to say the least. Usually the two of them were so suck up it was enough to make you toss your cookies.

"Tetsu, invest in a dictionary, I beg you." Suzu implored before seating himself next to Ayunee. Apparently she was a distant second since his beloved Yoshida had ditched them.

"No way. That's way too geeky!"

"Sit down young man. Dinner is about to begin."

It all went smoothly until…

"Does the pork somehow offend your dainty palate?" Itou asked Okita as the purple-haired boy passed the platter without taking any for himself. "The cook will be distressed if you do not take part of his offering."

Okita mutely shook his head.

"Do you now have you such a bleeding heart that you are now a vegan? Pork is necessary to build a strong fleet of red blood cells to carry your oxygen. Perhaps you should eat more and see if that improves your health."

"He can't eat Saizou's cousins." Tetsu explained, since Okita didn't seem talkative tonight.

"Oh, and who pray tell is Saizou? It sounds like some sort of flashy vibrator." Itou purred.

"His pig." Tetsu answered while Hijikata rumbled, "Souji's pet."

"He's the second smartest animal I've ever seen." Okita smiled playfully while looking at Itou. Tetsu wasn't sure who he thought was the smartest animal. His smile had an edge to it however and the people who knew him best were hesitating about putting a slab of pork on their plates. "You'd almost think he's human."

"Well, perhaps we should… meet sometime."

"Oh no, Saizou bites people I—I mean, he doesn't like. I wouldn't want to expose you to foreign pig germs and saliva."

With a graceful motion, Itou put some pork on the two nearest plates and replied, "Everyone turns into a raging beast in bed, however, pets make poor substitutes for the real thing. I understand, it's all you can get and it makes you pitifully happy because it's all you've ever known. Just be careful: there are laws against such things."

"Then you should also be careful. Predator doesn't just describe a shameless meat-eater. And there are also laws against the kinds of prey the wild dog can stalk. I think you're pretty safe sticking with slow, pregnant deer though!"

"Deer are far from thrilling, especially does. I prefer big game myself."

"Can't we have a normal dinner conversation about stock markets and songs on the radio?" Suzu complained, pushing around his pork and mixing the juice with some mashed potatoes.

"Oh, have you heard that new song? It's called "So Sick" and it's pretty cool." Heisuke suggested at the prompt while shoving a big forkful of pork in his mouth.

"I'd say it suits you perfectly." Suzu replied, shocking Tetsu that he knew what Heisuke was talking about. Hell, he didn't know what Heisuke was talking about. Tatsu wouldn't let him listen to any radio other than oldies.

By then Itou had placed pork on everyone's plate, including Okita's.

"No way does that describes me. I'm better than that. Like I'd get stuck on some loser." Heisuke swore, turning slightly pink.

"Absolutely. I merely said…"

"I know what you said and it's not true!"

"Perhaps you inferred something; however, my statement was intended to be neutral…"

"As long as we're cleared on that. Subject closed."

Meanwhile, Okita had shoved his pork onto Hijikata's plate.

Hijikata absentmindedly shoved it back.

Okita shoved with a little more force, making the meat land in a drippy puddle of gravy.

"Souji…" Hijikata warned, returning the soggy meat, "Eat your dinner. Nicely."

"It's against my religion! I refuse!"

"You are an atheist."

"So?"

"Therefore you cannot use religion as a shield from doing something you do not wish to do. Just behave like an adult for once and stop using excuses."

"How can you all? This was once a living, breathing, beautiful animal full of personality and charm!"

"Yes, and now it is intended for my stomach now that the beautiful life has ended." Hijikata replied, making sure the pork stayed on Okita's plate.

"But he had a horrible life! They tore him away from his family at a very young age and stuck him in a dark, rank pen filled with the smells of the prisoner before him. He was forced to live with two other growing pigs that were also taken from their mothers and siblings. Excrement piled around them and soaked into their fragile skin. Their muscles never developed from the lack of exercise! As he was measured to see how round he got from the excessive feedings of stale bread and leftover pig parts, he stared up at his captors begging for the reason, the reason why he had to live like this… After a year or so he got to see his first beam of sunlight. It was so beautiful that he wanted to stop and stare all day. Instead, he was shocked and hit and screamed at until he and his best friends were herded into a rattling, scalding truck that reeked of the cows that had been in it before. The trip bruised and battered him as he hit the metal floor. Flecks of harsh dust got in his eyes and the sunbeams he was in awe of burned his tender, sensitive skin to a crisp. There was no food or water on the trip. And no clean up. He was so happy when they were let out, that he trotted right into line. After no food or water he was too weak to stand for a long time, so he let them shackle him. He never even saw the hammer coming. I sure hope piggy heaven is much nicer than earth, that was his last thought."

"Are you finished, Souji?"

Tetsu stared at his food, feeling his stomach roll. Suzu looked just as green, as did quite a few other dinner guests. The only ones who remained unmoved were Itou and Hijikata.

"Yes, sire, I'm done."

"Try telling it with more vocabulary next time. Do not show your ignorance and poor story-telling abilities off to the world so freely."

"But that's so sad." Tetsu sniffled.

"Souji," Akesato sighed, "It was cute the first time you told it…"

"But it's the truth!"

"Pig stalker!" Heisuke accused, still chewing.

"What a delightful story. Is that the one you turned in for creative writing class?"

Okita beamed under the praise, "Yup, and my sociology class too. We were discussing the social issues revolving around American obesity."

"Because a pig's life is important to society on the whole." Suzu rolled his eyes and screwed up enough courage to take a tiny bite of the pork.

"I believe that story is a reference to how Soujirou is very unsure about his life and needs some professional counseling to set him off the path of pain and destruction." Itou commented, "He projects himself into the animal in his story because he feels trapped and filthy. I suggest he begins his recovery by eating the meat and therefore eating his pain and uncertainty. Eating meat will also cure any iron deficiencies and prevent anemia, which may set his mind on the clear way to sanity."

Tetsu leaned over to Suzu, "So hamburgers don't have iron? Because he ate like five of those yesterday when we went out! I only ate half of one…"

"Tetsu! Don't make me sound like such a glutton!" Okita protested, with a smile to say he didn't mean it, since he couldn't reach Tetsu from across the table.

"Then do not behave like one and make your little pet into a liar."

"Why don't you apply your advice to yourself? Your little pet spouts interesting things when the mood strikes him. At least I wouldn't get locked up and registered with the neighborhood parents for my pet's behavior."

"Hey! I don't own a white van or anything." Heisuke protested, looking not the least bit guilty about whatever he was supposedly doing.

"Ahem." Akesato snapped, inclining her head to Saya, "Can we keep it appropriate?"

"Only if we removed some people." Suzu sniped.

"Can we eat in silence? That would erase the need for making small talk and drivel." Hijikata suggested darkly, glaring at his plate like he was going to roast the pig a second time, "This is giving me a migraine."

"Oh goodies, I win. I already have one." Suzu sniped, shoving his food back, "However, it terrifies my sanity to check the medicine cabinets in the bathroom for aspirin."

"Sanity is overrated." Okita remarked, suddenly settling down now that Hijikata commanded it.

The rest of the dinner was accomplished in a heavy silence.

"Oh look at the time. We have to go. Now. Saya has school tomorrow." Akesato said, already out of her seat and moving towards the door before Sannan could even finish his last bite.

"So, a spawn you produce can be educated… How unfortunate for her classmates and teachers. I bet they wish their daddys were better hunters."

"Oh, don't give me credit. She gets all her smarts from her father." Akesato by then had gotten her husband to look up but not move. He blinked between them like he didn't understand what they were saying, or maybe, just maybe, he pretended hard enough that he really didn't.

"Saya is in AP classes, so I would say she is doing quiet well in school. She enjoys it very much and is at the top of her class." Sannan corrected and Saya blushed modestly.

"Hey, what's AP?" Tetsu asked Suzu.

"Ass Pain."

"What!"

"A pain in the ass. And one you will never experience."

"Why not?" Tetsu demanded hotly, thinking he was missing out on something exciting.

"Because you are a moron."

"Am not!"

"Are too."

"Not!"

"Too."

"Not, not, not!"

"You are not a moron."

"I am _too_ a moron."

"Yes you are."

"Are you two boys bored with all the talk above your head? Perhaps you should watch some television and rot out what is left of your brains? The remote is on top of the entertainment center; make sure it returns there before you two leave."

"Yes!" Tetsu yelled, "I didn't want to miss American Idol or anything!"

"Make sure you turn it up really loud so we are all deafened and our love of music is thoroughly destroyed."

"…Thank you very much for coming Ren. That was a stunning performance. I'll certainly say you're unique."

Suzu and Tetsu stared at each other with wide eyes…

"…Ren? Like Shinpachi's cousin Ren? On American Idol's auditions?"

Suzu blinked like it was painful to close his eyelids for even that millisecond, "Yes."

"So I'm not dreaming, right, right?"

"Only if I am having a nightmare."

"Too bad we missed him singing. Do you remember him singing along with the cds? He was good, right, right?"

"Like a horse being strangled."

"That was such a unique performance. What's your secret?" One of the judges asked, practically gushing.

"Estrogen pills for one." Okita quipped from the doorway. Apparently he still hated Ren, despite their short break together.

"What can I say? I was born with God-given talent and I'm using it." Ren said, fully decked out as a woman for once. Even during the vacation Tetsu hadn't seen him dressed up with make up and that other junk all together.

"Well, you go and show Hollywood what you've got."

"Yes ma'am, I plan to. I'm just so happy to have all the love and support that I do! I love my cuz and all his crazy friends; my significant other Steph; and of course, my main encouragement, my professor of Human Sexuality, Professor Itou!"

"What!"

"I honestly deserve no credit." Itou interjected smoothly as the show went to a commercial, "I simply suggested that he seek some lessons from a qualified friend of mine. It is obviously that I have a brilliant eye for talent. And Ren is such a good, obedient student, he took my well-meaning advice."

"At we know one side of the family is good." Heisuke muttered, "I hope Shin was watching."

"Oh, so your ex-friend and our lovely Ren are related? How unfortunate. No wonder he won't speak to me of his family. How traumatizing."

"Just what every superstar needs: a traumatic past."

"Don't you mean soap opera characters?" Okita said.

"Those as well." Suzu relied tiredly.

"Ren is so awesome! I know someone that was on American Idol! How freakin' cool is that? I can't wait to tell everyone I know."

"That should not take long since most of us are in this room already." Suzu said waspishly around a yawn.

"Yes, Ren is a model student and upstanding citizen. You could not do better to find a good role model, unless you look up to me." Itou approved as Hijikata and Ayunee peered past him blankly.

"He is so upstanding, just like Okita… when he wants to be."

"He?" Ayunee asked, "Are you talking about the girl on the screen?"

"Ren is a cross dresser, Ayunee. Like Susumu except not nearly so good." Okita explained.

"Oh. I'd say he's pretty good." She commented, still not sure how they knew the person on the TV.

"Young man, I think you are confused. You should not compare apples and orange like you have done with my dear Ren and Master Soujirou. There simply is no comparison at all. Apples, of course, have a core to rot to, while orange looks, taste, and smell very appealing. There should be no shame in realizing that two different people cannot be compared so easily. Master Soujirou is in a class of his own… near the bottom of course."

"I should just die from the unbearable shame of living every day without being an orange!" Okita chirped maliciously. Apparently his self-imposed restraint had evaporated with Hijikata's disapproving glare and the smell of pork. "Fruiticide!"

"We are done for the night. And, no Souji, you may not take an extra slice of pie you wheedled out of the chef." Hijikata growled and Okita pouted, "But it was such tasty pie!"

"Yes, and now you are going to be unmanageable for the next two hours. We will leave while our gracious host and his house are still in one piece."

"While a roast pig with an apple in its mouth is appealing, I fear it is getting rather late. I would hate to hold you from your dreams, especially when you have such busy, eventful days to attend to tomorrow. It makes me slightly envious, as I will have to return to my own college and leave your fine establishment. I promise to return to visit next month, my dear vice-principal. You will need a respite by then, I am quite sure. I will have a… _professional_ do some wonderful massages on your tense body and maybe some sinful desert as a little treat…It will be quite the repast, I promise."

Tetsu had no idea what he just said.

"I pity his campus, I truly do."

Okita bounced, "I don't see you begging him to stay, little Suzu."

"Oh hell no."

"I don't get it."

"Come on. I want to leave. Now. Toudou, hurry and get your stuff. You four will simply have to bear with it, since Yoshida did not show up and take Kitamura."

"Yes sir!" Okita shot off smartly and saluted. "We're all ready to go!" Before Heisuke could protest, Okita was frog-matching him out the door forcefully with a piece of pie clutched firmly in his other hand.

"It will be nice, I promise." Itou purred as Hijikata shouldered past him to the door. "I promise…"

**A/N:** And that came out bizarre as heck OO I hope you guys enjoyed it anyway. Itou's seriously a sociopath and I wouldn't want Hijikata to meet him in a dark alley! So Sick is a song I'm so sick of, thank you Fyyrrose! The next chapter should be out for Valentine's day.


	18. Chapter Twelve

Chapter Eleven: Valentine's Day 

Shinpachi bit his lip as everyone else faced a grim looking Okita. The senior was giving slight, nervous twitches, like he wanted to run away. Tetsu didn't see what the big deal was with all this. It wasn't like they could be anymore freakish than Tatsu.

"Oh lord, please tell me you're kidding Okita. Does that mean your…"

"Heisuke my love!" A very pretty girl, who looked scarily like Okita, latched herself around Heisuke. She squeezed him like they'd been separated a very long time before looking him over, "My, my, you get more handsome every time I see you!"

Tetsu was too shocked to get out of the way when he was swept up in a similar bone-crushing hug, "And you must be Timothy!"

Although he couldn't see, Tetsu was assuming, since there was breasts shoved up in his face, that this was (hopefully) Okita's mom. But who was Timothy?

"What a fine looking young man." Okita's father?

Tetsu untangled himself and backed up like a nervous rabbit. What exactly would Okita's parents look like? Surprisingly, they were normal. His mother was slightly short and stout with curly hair that went just past her ears. It wasn't a shocking purple color; rather it was a steel gray. Her eyes, however, were violet. Except, rather than honest mischief, there was something behind them that made him nervous. Then again, he wasn't very practiced about meeting parents… his boyfriend's parents to be exact. And what was Okita trying to warn him about earlier? He still didn't get it!

"Should we call you Timothy, or do you go by Tim?" She asked, leaning forward.

"Mother!" Okita protested, putting himself in between them, "This is Tetsunosuke. We call him Tetsu for short. Remember?"

She frowned, but Okita's father nodded, "Sorry about that Tom. Just a harmless little mix up."

Okita glanced over at Tetsu apologetically and Shinpachi glared. The short senior's glare, however, was fixed on Heisuke and Okita's sister. Who, while shockingly pretty, as far as Tetsu could tell anyway, looked not nearly as feminine as her younger brother.

"Stephen, you should introduce the rest of your friends. My memory is not what it used to be." Okita's dad chuckled indulgently and brushed back some hair.

Okay, now Tetsu was –really- lost. Who the hell was Stephen? Did he miss something?

Okita looked between them, "Well, like I said, this is TETSU. Mitsu remembers Heisuke quite well…"

Okita's mother smiled knowingly, "Oh yes, she hasn't forgotten dear Hubert. He made such a lasting impression! Such a smart boy, and handsome too as I recall."

"…And that's Shinpachi…"

Apparently the short senior wasn't of interest.

"I think I remember Sean. Oh yes, a pleasure to see you again."

"So Tom, you are a freshman?"

Tetsu twitched. That wasn't his NAME.

Okita gently nudged him and shot him a look.

Reluctantly he nodded, "Yes."

She pursed her lips, "Yes what young man?"

Okita had the grace to look vaguely embarrassed, but he didn't say anything to help Tetsu out.

Tetsu thought about it for a moment. What was Tatsu always telling him… say your hellos, good-byes, and…? Honorifics! Yeah, whatever the hell that meant.

"…ma'am?"

"Goodness me! The boy has some manners after all. I know you teenagers don't think you need them, but manners will get you everywhere in life." She chirped and gently patted his cheek, as if to get his attention and tell him to straighten up.

Before the torture could go on a moment longer there was a commotion.

"My sweetheart, you have no idea how much I have looked forward to this wonderful visit!"

"Ah, Mitsu… Heisuke's looking slightly bluish. Maybe you should loosen your grip?"

"Stephen! That is so rude. How dare you speak to not only a lady, but also your sister, like that?" She glared. Tetsu was beginning to wonder if Okita didn't just come from an old Southern family.

"Eep." Or maybe that was 'eek'? Tetsu wasn't too sure because Heisuke didn't look like he was breathing properly. Of course, he was too much of a gentleman, towards woman anyway, to yank himself away. Shit, Tetsu would have already pinched her and taken off… well, if she wasn't Okita's sister anyway. She could probably trounce his ass.

"What is it my darling? I know you are so pleased to see me."

"Could I…" Heisuke coughed, "Have a bit of space… Mitsu."

She pouted, but let go of his neck, settling for wrapping around his hip, dragging him into her.

Okita's mother looked around, "Where is Mister Hijikata? I was under the impression that he was watching you Stephen. You know we would not have allowed you to board out of state otherwise. Young men have to make their way in the world, but they still need to keep in touch with family."

"He…" Okita clamped a warm hand over his mouth and smiled, "He is currently on a date with his fiancée. It is Valentine's Day after all."

"Oh phooey, I wanted to see sweet old Toshi!" Mitsu chirped, "His hair was always so pretty."

Tetsu choked while Shinpachi looked appalled. Heisuke was too busy trying to wiggle out of her grip to react.

"Well, I think we should have some family time. I am sure you have so much to tell us." Okita's father said before adding, "Maybe your friends could join us for dinner later."

"Yes, we want to hear if you have met any nice young ladies and how your studies are going." Okita's mother seconded, beaming. Tetsu swallowed.

"I…" Heisuke squirmed a little more, "Need to use the restroom. May I please be excused?"

"Are you sure you don't need… assistance?" Mitsu purred while her parents looked on with blank approval. This was just sick. No wonder Okita never mentioned them before and why he thought of the demon as his older brother!

Heisuke's face turned chalky white and his eyes went round. "No… no, I think I can handle it… Mitsu."

"I know my name is lovely, however, could you please say something sweet? Please, for me?"

"…What could it hurt?" Heisuke muttered, "I plan to drown myself anyway."

Mitsu, apparently very selective in hearing or just plain oblivious, cooed, "It is not difficult, honey."

Heisuke forced a not-so-honest grin, "_Lady_, may I be excused to use the restroom?"

She let go with a sigh, "Promise me you will return soon."

"Yes ma'am!" Heisuke said, uncurling her hand and bolting down the hall. He didn't even look back. Shinpachi stalked after him.

Mitsu turned towards Tetsu and he almost ran for his dorm.

"Well, aren't you just cute as pie?"

His mind was screaming, run, run like hell! She'll get you too! Instead of doing the sensible thing, which he really, really wanted to do for the first time in his short life, he took a step forward.

Wincing, he expected to have his cheeks pinched, but was surprised when the hand went past his face and the fingers brushed lightly against his hair, "So pretty, and it looks natural. I wish I had been born with such pretty red hair."

Tetsu found that ironic. He was learning quite a bit this year, and most people would kill for her hair. How many people on earth actually had purple hair? Well, not counting the people who dyed it… like that guy Tetsu saw the other day. Bright blue!

Okita, perhaps sensing Tetsu's discomfort, well the general discomfort that seemed to go with his family, suggested, "We should go to my dorm! I've saved all my test papers just like you asked. Oh, and there's a new bumper sticker for the Blazer."

"We'll see you later Tom." Okita's father promised as the group started walking off, chattering.

"What the hell was that?" Tetsu muttered to himself.

"That is what I intended to ask." Suzu said from a few feet away. He looked sleepy, but annoyed. "And why they were making such a commotion on a Saturday morning."

Tetsu scratched his head, "That's Okita's family."

"And what a bunch of crazies they are too. They make the little shit look sane, don't they?" Susumu remarked, making both freshmen jump at his sudden appearance. Tetsu suspected he did it on purpose, just to piss him off. "And what's the deal with changing everyone's name?"

"What did they call you?"

Susumu narrowed his eyes, "Skylar, because Mitsu thought I would look good in sky blue. What did they tag you as?"

"Tom… well, and Tim. Didn't quite make up their mind there." Tetsu shrugged. "Who's Stephen?"

Susumu grunted, "Okita. Apparently, once they moved to America they changed all their names. You know his first name, right? Well, his family calls him Stephen. Actually, Mitsu's "name" is Misty, but she's not quite the suck-up your little boyfriend is. I just think her parents didn't want to listen to her sickly-sweet arguments. Stay the hell away from her if you can."

"Thank you for that advice. I believe I will simply disappear all together." Suzu snorted grumpily.

"Someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or are we grumpy because you don't have anyone to give you chocolates?" Susumu sneered. Well, it seemed like a sneer, but not a mean one. Okay, weird. Plus, it's not like he could talk!

"Oh dear Lord, is it that wretched holiday again?" Suzu frowned, "Now I am sure to hide."

"Bad experience?"

"No, unless you count being attacked by a teddy bear."

"What?" Tetsu laughed and Suzu gave a ruby glare, "It was a traumatizing incident that bears no repeating. Unless you wish it as a warning?"

"Bears." Tetsu wiped away a tear and leaned against the lockers, "No, no, that's okay. I don't want to know."

Affronted, Suzu stalked off stiff-legged to… well, probably disappear like he said he was going to. This meant he'd lock himself in the gym office with a book and the A.M. radio. Freakin' teacher's pet.

"So, what're you doing since your boyfriend has the relatives over?" Susumu asked. Amazingly he had almost gotten nice… since… well, New Years. It was like he was making an effort to be pleasant. And ever since the kendo match, he'd decided to treat Tetsu like a… well, not a meddlesome pest anyway.

"Heisuke?"

The dark haired senior ignored the voice and tried to wash his hands and arms. Okita should have warned him in advance! He could have… taken off… somewhere. It wasn't like he had anyone to spend Valentine's with, and he certainly didn't want to spend it with Mitsu. The woman needed a tranquilizer.

"Hey, didn't you hear me?" Shinpattsan asked, coming up behind him.

Heisuke shrugged. Sure he heard him. So? What was so special about that?

"Are you okay?" Shinpattsan asked, looking him over. "No bruises? No bite marks?"

Heisuke grabbed a wad of paper towels and started rubbing his arm. There was no way the feeling was going away anytime soon. Stupid, cheap school soap!

"Hey, I'm talking to you! The least you could do is answer."

That earned a raised eyebrow. If he managed to hold out for a whole month, what was stopping him now? He should just go on forever.

"I don't have anything to say to you." Heisuke mentally finished that thought, you cheating bastard.

"Don't start with that again!"

"That's all I have to say." Heisuke shrugged again. That was beginning to become quite the habit. How annoying. What he really needed right now was some 'me and Freud' time. Especially since the book was due in a week and he'd be damned if he had to wait another four months to get it again!

"Heisuke…" Shinpachi trailed off. If Heisuke were in a more forgiving mood, he might label it as shamefaced. Good thing he was pissed, "When will you stop acting like a selfish brat?"

"This brat will be selfish as long as he wants. At least I don't lie or cheat."

"When have I ever lied to you?"

Heisuke let a sad smirk curl around his lips, "When have you ever told me the truth? How would I know anyway?"

"Why don't we start with right now? Since you've decided to come back to the land of society. People don't have ESP. You have to –talk- out your differences." Shinpattsan growled.

"Fine. Be honest, why did you have to go out of your way to cheat on me? And even worse, with the biggest homophobe we know!" Heisuke snapped, not daring to shut his eyes.

Shinpattsan gave him a lost look for a moment before raging, "When has there –ever- been an –us-?" He twitched, "And I didn't –ask- Susumu to kiss me! What, do I have a sign on my forehead? Kiss me, I'm gay. But you never even –asked- what happened! You just stormed right on out, making me worry until we got back home the next day, then you wouldn't even talk to me!"

"I think your actions were fairly obvious, so what's to explain? And you betrayed me. Shinpattsan, I'm not the sort of person to shrug and move on or smile and nod like everything is peachy-keen." Heisuke said with a blank expression. He was weighing which was worse: this confrontation or Mitsu.

The former he'd been avoiding. Heartbreak was never pleasant, but he had to do it. Somehow. The latter he'd like to keep avoiding. Maybe she'd go find someone else to torment.

When Shinpattsan didn't answer, he hissed with hurt, "You ripped my fragile heart right out and stomped away."

"I told you! I didn't start it."

"But you didn't stop it."

"Would I choose a public place where just anyone could walk in to smooch some guy I barely know?" Shinpattsan seethed. His eyes were narrowed and his mouth was set in a concentrated frown. "Should I just have thrown him off? I don't think I've ever thrown –you- off."

"So now I'm just anyone. That's nice. And you don't have to use physical violence to get me off. Maybe you'll figure it out now, when I walk away!" Heisuke retorted with a fake smirk. He had to get through this… alone. "I'm thinking about transferring. Then your life will be all tidy and neat."

"I never said I wanted that!" Shinpattsan yelled. He balled up his fist and slammed it against the wall in frustration. There was a dull cracking from his hand, but he didn't even seem to notice. Heisuke wanted to tell him not to hurt himself… to pay attention. Instead he leaned against the wall a good distance away and stared with distain.

"I'm sorry I wasted your time and my heart, Shinpattsan, I really am."

Now it was Shinpattsan's turn to sigh. It made Heisuke want to do… something. Something comforting. Something a friend would do, but not. He wanted to reach out, despite his own pain and confusion. This was just wrong, but he wasn't going to compromise his feelings anymore. It was clear that after three years Shinpattsan would never see him as more than a friend, and quite honestly, friends didn't do things like that.

"You pretty much made that clear."

"By kissing another guy?" Shinpattsan requested.

"Yes! You don't get it, do you? It's a huge deal to me, no matter how much you pass it off as nothing!"

"Listen," Shinpattsan thumped the wall a little harder this time, "I'm not any good at this, but…"

"But what? But nothing. I think we're done. I should have given you a time limit because I have a date with my book, in my chair, away from –you-."

"…What I'm trying to say is…" Shinpattsan hesitated and Heisuke hoped he would lose his nerve. Why couldn't this be easier? "…Please reconsider transferring. This is your senior year and it's half way over. You already have your friends and your teachers and you living arrangements set. If you move now, I'm sure your grades will plummet with stress, then how are you going to get into college?"

"So this all about me, but not about you? Why do you care anyway? And don't give me that friendship bullshit, because I'm not buying it." Heisuke snorted, "And my apps. are already in. You know as well as I do that your senior year is worthless. They go by your junior. I think my grades were sufficient at that time." … a time when things were right in the world.

Rather than looking trapped and backing down like Heisuke had hoped, Shinpattsan stubbornly barred the door. He really did look like a little, pissed raccoon.

"What do you want from me? If you want me to get down on my knees, I'll do it, just say the word. Do you want me to shelf my pride? I can do that. This is ridiculous! We've been best friends for years. I understand you're upset and in part it's my fault. Still, is this necessary? Appropriate?"

"What are those words? They don't apply here because you broke my heart. How can I ever trust you again? How do I know you won't go off again?"

"I didn't do it on purpose!" Shinpattsan retorted looking worn, "I didn't! I would never do something like that on purpose. If you don't know that, well…"

"I would have walked behind you every step of the way, begging, yes begging, for your attention. You couldn't have found a more faithful companion in life. But now… I just can't. Faithfulness goes both ways." Heisuke said, feeling like he was quoting some silly talk show or starring in some daytime soap opera. Why didn't he just say it was over instead of messing around with stupid, fancy words? 'Get out of my life' should be more than enough. 'Don't mess with me', 'stay away', 'leave me alone'. Simple phrases.

"I'm not asking your forgiveness and certainly not that you forget it happened. I know you can't, and neither can I, despite trying." Shinpattsan rubbed the back of his hand across his eyes. Was he crying? That couldn't be right; Shinpattsan never cried. He was the hard one, the one who was pragmatic with just a touch of irritability and the sweetest grin when he was up to mischief. Heisuke wanted to see that grin. "Just… don't hate me."

Oh how much Heisuke had tried. Late at night, in the dark, alone with his thoughts, he told himself he should hate Shinpattsan. Hate him for his actions, for the consequences, for Heisuke's stupidity in persisting.

Shinpattsan, obviously taking his silence for disapproval, licked his lips nervously. Heisuke watched that for a moment. There was no doubt that the physical element of attraction was still there.

"Could you tell me? Tell me what I need to do."

"You know nothing." Heisuke replied coldly, fiddling with the soap dispenser. It really was shitty quality. The button didn't even push in anymore, making you jiggle it to even get some pink, floral scented soap out. Most of it ended up on the floor anyway.

Yes, think of soap. It's safer. This is dangerous. Heisuke's mind insisted darkly.

"No, I obviously don't!" Shinpattsan snarled, looking like he'd be slapped, "I get the feeling you've tried to tell me, but I'm paying attention now. You have –all- my attention."

If only the shorter boy knew how much Heisuke had always wanted to hear those words. Even when he knew it was wrong to lust after his best friend… he couldn't help it. He wanted affection, physical touch… and most of all approval. He wanted to be needed, to have someone pay attention to him.

Unfortunately, anger was driving now, while his more timid, more fragile emotions hid in the backseat.

"So what? What's that doing?"

"That's what you want, isn't it? I'm guessing here. It's not like I'm asking for the moon; I just want a little beam of light. Feeling around in the dark sucks!"

"Then why don't you tell me what –you- want, since you have me trapped?"

"…What I want?"

Shinpattsan hesitated again. It was so out of character for him to be so meek. But Heisuke wanted his answer.

"I… I want you to pay attention to –me-…" Shinpattsan paused, gathering his thoughts and probably his courage too, "…Like before. But it's more than that. I want to spend time with you. Just you. I want to listen to you, to pay attention to you, and to give you what you need and desire. Even if you don't want the same."

Heisuke shook his head, secretly touched. He strengthened his resolve, "I listen to what you say, or I did when I loved you. Now I know nothing but lies come from that beautiful mouth."

"Can you just "fall out of love?" That suggests that you weren't really "in love" in the first place. If you put it that way, it sounds like a silly little crush. Is that what it is, or are you hurting yourself in the hope of hurting me?"

Heisuke had thought of that too of course. He'd never admit it, but a lot of his free time, and his not-so-free time, tended to be spent thinking. His grades, which he'd never let anyone see, reflected that. As did the reprimands from most of his teachers for not paying attention in class.

"I'm not sure if I was ever –in- love with you."

"But we were friends." Shinpattsan snapped back stubbornly. Why couldn't he just make this easy? Did he have to be such a stubborn fool?

"You're right, we –were- friends because at least you had the decency to stab me in the chest, rather than through the back." Heisuke remarked with a careless wave.

Shinpattsan ignored him, "I know, knew, you wanted more than friendship… and I can't say I'm –in- love with you, however, I can't stand the thought of losing you."

"You think that's your option anymore? I was lost the moment your lips touch his."

Shinpattsan sighed and looked past him, moving out of the way… in defeat?

"I never tried to string you along, but I never backed down or stopped you, did I?"

"No, you didn't. And that gave me some hope…"

"Well, be sure to write I guess. And don't let me met your new somebody… I wouldn't want to be convicted of homicide…"

"Shinpattsan," Heisuke stepped closer, ignoring the warning bells going off in his head. He looked into those downcast eyes and almost bit back his words, "You were the only one I've ever wanted. And you crushed me. How could I ever trust someone enough again? I don't know if I'll ever let myself get there again."

"Heisuke, you've got the biggest heart. I know you'll find someone… to make you very happy." Shinpattsan reassured with a lopsided smile, "You're not like Saito and his imaginary wife. You NEED someone."

Ignoring the pale humor, Heisuke crossed his arms and growled, "I need no one but myself because I will never betray myself."

"So you say." Shinpattsan whispered. He closed the distance making Heisuke uncomfortable. Before he could step back, the shorter senior grabbed his wrist, stopping him. "Can I ask a favor of you? One selfish little request…"

"What."

Shinpattsan moved so fast he didn't even have time to move. Suddenly he found himself pressed against the cold tile. Or at least his back was. His front was very comfortably pressed against a warm, familiar body.

"Shinpattsan…?"

"Just… don't move, okay?" Shinpattsan requested, looking up at him. "Could you… just let me…?"

Heisuke didn't trust his voice. All his resolve had broken, leaving him wide open and vulnerable. Why did people do this to themselves? Let themselves be hurt… over and over. Why was he setting himself back up again? He would most certainly topple again. Patterns were part of life.

The kiss wasn't a high point. It was sloppy and trembling, but there was something there that had been lacking in all the other kisses Heisuke had received. There was what he had always wanted… always waited for. There was an underlying current of need and want.

"Th-thank you." Shinpattsan stuttered, gently touching Heisuke's lips with two of his fingertips, "I just wanted to say a proper good-bye."

He reluctantly pulled away, but he wasn't going to get off that easy. All his effort deserved some sort of reward.

Heisuke pounced.

"Sorry for not knocking but…" There was a not-quite-gasp, and Shinpachi suddenly found himself scruffed. With that he was practically tossed across the room and barely avoided being slammed into a stall. "Are you hurt Hugh-darling?"

"I was fine until you interrupted." Heisuke muttered darkly.

"Ouch, you crazy bitch." Shinpachi snarled under his breath. Now he really remembered why he didn't like Okita's family in the slightest. Anyone who met Okita would probably find him extremely charismatic, but slightly out of control. Anyone who met his family would pity him and remark how he turned out fairly well, all things considered. "Hey, you pushed me!"

"You should know by now they're wicked strong." Heisuke remarked, and Shinpachi wanted to take a whack at him. So much for the mood. "Mitsu's comparable to a bulldozer."

"I do win all my wrestling matches." She proclaimed proudly.

"Wrestling with elephants again." Shinpachi grumbled, rubbing his sore hands. "Could you leave? This is the BOYS restroom. Someone who didn't know you could walk in and be scarred for life."

"I'd watch your tongue boy. Someone who didn't know YOU might just think it'd be better cut out." Mitsu replied sweetly before turning to Heisuke, "You were gone so long; I just couldn't stand it. So I had to come find you."

Shinpachi wanted to march up and slam –her- into a wall.

"He's not your concern."

"Boy, what did I tell you about that tongue? What kind of manners are those? Threatening a lady is crass and base. Besides, I love Hugh-darling, and that is all that matters!" She fluttered. Urgh.

"He's GAY."

"Yes, he seems to be a very happy man, but that's one of his wonderful charms." She purred, clutching Heisuke's arm. "That's why I'm going to make him mine."

"Doesn't he get a say? You act like he's a pillow or a teddy bear." Shinpachi fumed. He didn't want to look like the jealous girlfriend… no… no he didn't. Still, when she was pawing all over Heisuke… it just made him want to march over and punch her straight. "And how he could love anyone so insensitive is beyond me, but since it's Heisuke… still woman, you don't stand a chance! He doesn't like girls!"

Mitsu cocked her head, "Ooo, I believe dear Hugh is beyond the 'girls have cooties' stage of his life." She traced a finger along his cheek. "I don't have cooties, but I have plenty of other assets."

"Uh…" Heisuke muttered, suddenly realizing her dress. "I think your brother would kill me if I took… advantage of you."

"Souji wouldn't mind." She smirked, "He knows I'm a big girl. Besides, I can always beat him silly if he objects. No one hurts my Hugh!"

"Oh Good God." Shinpachi swore, rolling his eyes. "Shoot me now."

"Perhaps you will be shot, since you seem to enjoy taking the Lord's name in vain." Mitsu remarked primly.

"Please don't start on those values. Are you Republican as well as black and white?"

"I back our wonderful President Bush all the way. After all, he's the glorious leader of this fine country, and doing a super job of being our War President!" The girl simpered before letting a hint of steel show through her velvet words, "And I plan to be just like him and fight against what is wrong in the world."

"And what exactly is that…" you psycho bitch, Shinpachi wanted to add. He consciously moved closer to Heisuke, glaring.

"I believe an intelligent human could figure it out by now."

There was a loud banging sound and Sano burst in.

"Hey, Shinpachi, do you know where Webber went? I already checked Sannan's office, cuz, you know, he likes that betta." Sano's eyes went wide then he grinned widely, "There's a girl in here."

"Hello Samuel."

"Oh fuck, your –that- girl." He frowned. "Okita's sister… Misty?"

"That's my American name, yes." This time she was the one to frown, "But please, call me Mitsu. If you're a friend of Hugh-darling, you're a friend of mine."

"Run Sano." Shinpachi mouthed. "She's rabid."

Sano looked blankly at him, then at Heisuke. If it were possible, you could see the light bulb click on in his head.

"Hey! You two are talking again! That's great!" Sano boomed, rushing over to catch the two of them in a bear hug. He ripped Heisuke out of Mitsu's grip in the process, and the senior decided to use him as a shield.

Mitsu, ignoring this sudden outburst, "Samuel, I've heard so much about you from my brother."

"Sano… can't… br--." Shinpachi squeaked.

Sano dropped him and scratched his head. "Good stuff I hope?"

"Of course, as if my brother would say anything bad about his friends." She chirped, "Especially Hugh-darling." He dodged as she tried to latch back on.

Sano scratched his head and shrugged, "Anyway, has anyone seen Webber?"

"Who is that?"

"His pet spider."

"Oh dear, was it black and hairy?"

That didn't sound good…

"I think I may have killed the nasty thing." Mitsu remarked primly.

Sano just looked pole-axed. Sometimes Shinpachi thought his big friend was just a little too out of touch with the world. Not everyone –liked- big, ugly, vicious spiders and kept them as pets. Or big, ugly, vicious fish either for that matter. Normal people had –cats-. Wait, did he just call Suzu normal? The students here really did have to make things complicated.

"You… you squished Webber?"

"Well, I simply couldn't leave such a hazard scuttling around like that, now could I? I was simply doing everyone a favor." Mitsu reasoned, "Besides, spiders are only nice when they're out of sight."

"But… but… he was my friend!" Sano bawled, looking crushed. "And he didn't –do- anything to you!"

Shinpachi gave a glare. You know, he didn't like the spider, but that evil woman just took the liberty of squishing Sano's pet.

"It was actually quite easy. I picked up this heavy text book and..." She made a smashing motion with her hands, "That was that."

Sano's sorrowful brown eyes latched on her and he demanded, "I want his remains!"

"You could look in the trash, but I think most of the guts and the like are on the textbook." She shrugged, "Oh dear, I hope whoever uses that book isn't squeamish."

"Most of us didn't like it alive. I doubt they'd object to the thing being dead." Shinpachi shrugged, putting himself between the crazy woman and Heisuke, since Sano was gone.

Mitsu just ignored him, trying to wind her arms around Heisuke's neck. The dark haired senior stuttered and tried to back up, but her grip was too tight.

"Now, Hugh, where were we before you left?"

"There's no –we- Mitsu…" That sentence ended in a painful gurgle as she tightened her hold. "…And what about chastity…?"

Shinpachi would have choked with laughter if this wasn't so dire. Heisuke saying the 'c-word' was just too absurd!

"Ooo, I thought it was the women who wore the chastity belts! Do men have them too? How quaint!"

"I mean, before marriage. We're not married!" Heisuke hollered.

"Yes, of course I'll marry you!"

"What?" Heisuke's voice cracked, which was something it hadn't done since sophomore year, "Marry?"

Mitsu ignored that easily and squealed in delight, "Oh momma will be so happy!"

"But… but we hardly know each other!"

"I just knew it. We're like soul mates, meant to be together forever and ever!"

"You haven't even met my mother!"

Mitsu didn't even miss a beat as she gushed, "If she's anything like you, I bet she's a darling."

"Don't count on that." Shinpachi muttered, fingering a scar on his knuckles. "She's the psycho bitch from Hell. I think she's an avatar of Kali."

Mitsu ignored that too, "And we'll be together forever and ever!"

"I think we should go and join the others." Heisuke whimpered, trying to wiggle out of her grip.

"Yes! And announce our joyful union!"

"Two for Hijikata please."

The young lady behind the counter tapped her perfect nails down the chart. She frowned and ran them down it again. Pursing her lips, she looked up and announced, "I'm sorry sir, there is no 'Hijikata'. Are you sure you made a reservation?"

He couldn't believe it!

"Yes, check again."

She gave him a look for the tone, but could he really help it? After dealing with a school of juvenile delinquents for a job, having one very troublesome cross dresser who hated him as a relative, and one constant disaster named Souji, he didn't have much patience.

"No, _sir_, I still don't see it."

"Then let me speak to your manager."

Another useful skill: jumping authority.

"One moment."

It wasn't even that before a short, well-dressed young woman came bustling out. She was clad in expensive clothing, decked in make up, and had her hair up in intricate designs. He decided she was trying too hard.

"Yes? How may I assist you?"

"I had reservations, yet your employee is telling me I'm not on the list." He stated coldly, shooting the employee in question one of his milder looks. She blushed and looked down, but he could tell her ears were still perked. Nosey. Annoying. And just like a certain young man he could name. Demure on the outside, devilish on the inside.

"I see. Your name then?"

He returned her clipped tone. "Hijikata."

"And when did you make the reservations? We just opened last week, but there has been a waiting list for almost half a year, since construction was announced." She paused for effect, "Are you certain you did not make it with the restaurant across the way? It is more suited for your… type of clientele."

She got a much nastier glare.

It didn't seem to bother her, which pissed him off to no end. She had more insolence and arrogance to her than Susumu!

"Are you saying my money is not your _preferred _type, or do you just want to offend me so badly that I go out and tell the world?"

She snorted, "Sir, the people you know couldn't afford to eat our garbage, let alone order a glass of wine."

"Toshi…"

"No. We have a reservation, and this has already delayed our lunch considerably." He sneered. If he didn't hurry this up, she'd use –that- tone with him.

The young manager didn't even blink, "Sir, if you do not leave of your own will, I will have you escorted out. If you continue to resist, I will call the police. It is in your best interest to simply take your date elsewhere."

Hijikata didn't like it. He would have to say that Souji was actually the one who remembered and made the reservation. Oh his smarting, wounded pride.

"Try Okita."

Ayumu looked at his questioningly.

"No sir, there is no Okita."

He ground his teeth. He was going to kill Souji for this, he was! Souji knew he despised guessing games, and that he hated making embarrassing public scenes even more.

"Toshi, you didn't forget, did you?"

She wasn't accusing him – and was that a smile smirk? – just questioning with mild curiosity. And he was annoyed that she wasn't surprised. Maybe he'd missed a few too many important dates before… and Souji always seemed to know. Didn't that boy have his own life to run?

"Well, it was a sweet thought, but I don't think Souji would allow this to be too easy." She smiled and blinked, "He does love to torment you so."

"Oh, did you say Souji? As in Stephen?"

And the manager from Hell did an about face.

"You know him?"

And this was above and beyond him, totally. Let the women talk it out.

"Yes, he's quite the friend of Hajime's."

Say what?

"Oh, so you know Saito too?"

She gave a victorious smile, "We're engaged."

And Hijikata was very, very glad he didn't have anything to choke on or kill at the moment. Either one. Because that's how he felt like reacting to that little unexpected bombshell.

Souji was DEAD.

A/N: This is only part one! I figured you guys probably didn't want to reading that 40+ pages planned OO Wow, I went overboard, ha.

Beta's Note: Okay it's done. Read three times over to catch mistakes. You missed whole words… ;) but I did my best to fill them in. Sigh RPing was grand back in the day when we would stay up till 3 am doing nothing but plotting. -.-;; I found the H/S love scene to be … entertaining...although, Mitsu gets +5000 rp for the smash See told you it would be edited! -.-;; need sleep


	19. Chapter Twelve: Part Two

Tetsu was wishing he were somewhere else. From the look on Okita's face, the feeling was mutual.

"… So I said, oh no you don't! Even if we are in friendly competition…"

Drone, drone, drone. Apparently the blah filter didn't work against the stock market. He, however, was sorely tempted to pull out a tape recorder and sell the tape to insomniacs around the world.

"Are you bored Tetsu?" Okita whispered over at him.

"No."

Okita gave an infuriating smile, "Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"You are. I can tell."

"No, no, I'm not bored."

"Hehe, you're such a terrible liar."

"I'm not bored dammit!"

Oops.

"Would you like to share with us Tim? You seem agitated."

"Yes, Tom, what's troubling you?"

Tetsu almost blurted out your son, but controlled himself at the last moment. Instead, he shot Okita a dirty look and sat back down.

"Momma!"

Ack, she was back. Tetsu dove behind Okita and peered out. It was hard to hide when your human shield insisted on doubling over with laughter.

Heisuke was squirming fruitlessly in a strict grip around his waist. He looked extremely red and uncomfortable, like he'd be exercising or something. Probably running away from Okita's sister actually.

"Momma! I have a wonderful announcement to be made."

Okita stopped and cocked his head with a grave expression. Apparently his notion of "wonderful" didn't match his sister's.

"Hugh has proposed to me!"

Several voices piped up after a long second of dead silence.

"Oh, that –is- wonderful darling! I always knew you'd snag a good man for yourself. It's in the genes."

"Way to go honey. Dad's little girl is all grown up."

"Mitsu, that's Heisuke. He's gay!"

"Holy sh—crap! Really Heisuke? Are you going to marry her?"

The babble of voices carried on.

Heisuke bellowed, "No and no. Yes, I'm gay; I like MEN. And NO, I'm not marrying her because I like Shinpattsan. This is all over my dead body!"

Mitsu said sweetly just loud enough that Heisuke, Okita, and Tetsu could hear, "No, just your comatose one."

Thump.

Tetsu's jaw dropped, "Heisuke fainted!"

Suddenly there was a lot of commotion. Mitsu screamed that she hadn't meant it; Okita's parents fluttered and fussed; Shinpachi showed up with Sano and Susumu in tow; and Okita, the only one calm, knelt down.

After putting his hand –all over- Heisuke, Tetsu noted, he looked up with relief shining across his face.

"Don't worry; he's okay. He had a fever and chills, but his pulse is steady and – well, he's coming around now. I suspect he has the flu."

"Joy to me." Heisuke muttered with his eyelids fluttering weakly, "Can't I squish it like Webber?"

At that Sano went out of the room… making a –lot- of noise. Whatever that was about.

"Can you stand Heisuke?" Shinpachi asked, squatting down and ignoring Mitsu.

"Maybe."

"Without leaning on me?"

Heisuke flopped down and rolled on his side.

"I take that as a no. How about Susumu carries you?"

"Oh hell no!"

Susumu snorted, "Like I'd dirty my hands by touching him. I might catch something."

Somehow Tetsu was sure he wasn't talking about the flu.

"Yeah, well, at least I don't have powder all over my hands or beer on my breath. And I understand the words moral and ethics!" Heisuke shouted back, "Go screw a purple emu."

"What?" Susumu yelped, looking at him like he was crazy, "Forget it. I'm out of here."

Okita laughed, "What's an emu?"

"Hope it pecks his pen--."

Shinpachi gave a nervous glance at Okita's parents and pressed a finger to Heisuke's lips, "No Freud. He scares people."

"Dream analyzes."

"None of those either. Besides, you're still awake."

"I am. Then why is there a chimp that looks like George W. beside you?"

Shinpachi glanced at Mitsu and chuckled, "Okay, you need to go to bed."

Okita glanced over apologetically at them, "You should take him to the nurse's office. Ayunee's out, but you can use some aspirin to bring down the fever and there's o.j. in the fridge."

"Aw, always knew he'd go on ice. Bastard murderer who bought his way out." Heisuke mumbled, blinking.

"Mom, Dad, I still haven't showed you my tests. I saved them all. Don't you want to see?" Okita said, dangling the bait. His parents looked over and he put in, "Don't worry. Shinpachi will get Sano to help them down. Those three are best friends. They give Hijikata premature hairs sometimes, but they're like the three musketeers. Anyway, it's just a fever. Or maybe too much excitement. So, come on."

Shinpachi waited until they left before beckoning Tetsu over.

Tetsu glared, "I thought you were going to get Sano."

"Sano has his own sickie to tend to. Mitsu smashed his spider."

"That's what he gets for letting it loose all the time!" Tetsu retorted, grabbing one of Heisuke's arms. With a yank, his hand slipped sending him tumbling back, "Dammit, that hurt!"

"Such a young man should not speak in such a vulgar manner. You should follow Stephen's example. He never speaks so crudely."

If only she knew about the other things he did…

Heisuke said in a slur, "Go chew a papaya. A flying papaya, ha!"

Mitsu burst into tears, "My poor Hugh. He's so sick he's comparing our engagement to fruit!"

How in the world… no, Tetsu didn't want to know. He just didn't. In fact, he would be happy to drag Heisuke's limp, feverish body all over creation if it meant he could escape. Tatsu was looking like the perfect, bestest, most wonderful family in the world at the moment. He'd never complain again… or, you know, for the next few days while Okita's family was still around.

Between Tetsu and Shinpachi, they managed to drag Heisuke upstairs and put him in a bed. The whole time Mitsu trailed them, basically being annoying and useless.

"Now where's the cough medicine?"

"Dunno… hey, fudge."

"Do not touch that. It's for Miss Ayumu, not you. I had to make Souji promise not to touch them. With you, I'll just threaten. You like your tongue don't you?"

"Found it." Shinpachi said, holding up a dark bottle.

"Gwape, no!"

"Yes, grape." Shinpachi retorted ruthlessly, "You don't have a choice Heisuke. Just think, Saito could tell you about all the opiates in here and overdoses. Do you want me to get him in there and make you take it?"

"No." Heisuke whimpered, "I'll take it. Could you put it in my mouth, please?"

"Mouth to mouth?"

"Yes please."

Heisuke opened his eyes just in time.

"Waaaaaaaaaaah! Get 'way craz' woman!" He flailed around, managing to thump on the cold, tiled floor. From there he scrambled behind Tetsu's legs and sat there warily. With a quiet cough, he collapsed pathetically on the floor.

"Don't you have wedding plans to make?" Shinpachi reminded the woman acidically, shoving his way between her and Heisuke. The young woman glared huffily but decided to plot in secret, and come back later with adult reinforcements.

Tetsu stared at her back.

The minute the door slammed, Heisuke jumped up fearfully, "What am I going to do? That crazy chick thinks I'm going to get married to her!"

Tetsu blinked dubiously, "She thinks? I think she's serious. And if she's like her brother…"

Heisuke gave a slightly lecherous smirk, "At least she hasn't gotten me in bed yet." Shinpachi punched him. "Hey! What? That's the whole point of having a boyfriend, isn't it? Or at least a fringe benefit."

Shinpachi scoffed and rolled his eyes, but didn't punch him again. "Remind me why I made up with you?"

"Because you want me in your pants?"

Tetsu watched as Shinpachi's face matched his hair and the shorter boy decked Heisuke.

"Ouch. But come on, help me out," The brown haired senior whined, "She's going to come after me like some kind of rabid sex hound! Complete with leash and collar!"

"Well, at least you will have a handle to hang on for the ride." Shinpachi pointed out pragmatically and Tetsu was very lost. All he understood was that they needed to get rid of Okita's family.

It was Valentine's Day, and he had barely seen Okita all day! It wasn't fair!

Besides, they scared him. He almost wished Hijikata would come back and straighten them out. His faith in the dark powers of the demon was absolute. Unless, of course, Mitsu was skilled in the art of voodoo black magic.

"Oh, I forgot, Professor Itou is going to be in town again." Heisuke purred, looking infinitely happy at the prospect. Shinpachi groaned and Tetsu wondered if Hijikata knew. It was hilarious to see the big, stern man squirm, but not when his stomach also squirmed and he was left wondering what exactly those fingers were doing! And no one would tell him. Tatsu had a heart attack when he asked.

"Pfft, we should introduce him to Mitsu."

Heisuke rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "You know what, that's a great idea! I'll invite him to the little engagement party she's surely planning. He'll set her straight!"

"Are you sure it won't be the other way around?" Susumu growled, popping out of nowhere. He looked at them with begrudged amusement, "After all, he's the bent one."

"Glad you approve." Heisuke beamed, pulling out the cell phone like a man who had just been freed from a lifetime sentence of slavery. A short chat later, his smile was even wider if possible. "He's thrilled."

"Then let's go find… the Okita clan." Shinpachi suggested darkly, no doubt displeased by the thought of both Mitsu and Itou taking up Heisuke's attention. Tetsu was dense, but even HE noticed the way the two of them were practically glued together after a month's cold silence.

By the time they found the Okita family, take out had arrived and was arranged around the only public place large enough: the senior's lounge. Okita and his father were playing an intense game of chess, although the younger man did look up to give Tetsu a brilliant smile.

With so many dangers, Tetsu couldn't decide where to go or who to hide behind. Heisuke was practically a war zone, Sano had declined coming while he mourned for his stupid spider, Shinpachi never was any good protection in the first place, and Okita was in the heart of the enemies. Plus, once Itou showed up, there was no telling where it would go.

It only took about ten minutes of idle talk (Okita's dad had trapped them with his hypnotizing stock talk again) before Hijikata and Itou showed up. Together.

Oh hell.

Itou was bearing an expensive bottle of wine. With a slick smile, he bowed slightly and greeted the Okita clan with some sort of fancy speech about how delighted he was to be invited and he hoped that he wasn't intruding on a family event.

Hijikata, decidedly unhappy and doubly uncomfortable, seemed to have the same dilemma that Tetsu had had. He didn't want to sit down next to Itou but seemed equally loathed to get near Mitsu, who was promising to brush and braid his pretty hair.

"Did Ayunee enjoy lunch?" Okita grinned and smirked, clearly enjoying some mischief he had thought up. "I hope you didn't have any trouble. I couldn't quite remember what name I placed it under. I'm sure Tokio was very accommodating."

"As a dragon at a kill." Hijikata hissed under his breath.

"She's a lovely woman, don't you agree? I'm sure she and Saito will get along very well. They are both so mellow and laid-back."

Hijikata looked unimpressed with that statement.

"So where is Ayunee? I thought she was coming to meet my parents! Mou, I wanted to introduce her to them." Okita pouted and Tetsu almost barfed when he realized Mitsu was making an almost identical face. "Is she sick?"

Hijikata waved the worry off, "She and Tokio made… plans."

"Who's this Tokio?" "No idea." "And what's this about Saito…" "You don't think…" The two whisperers gasped in horror and blurted together, "That Saito really has a wife?"

"Perhaps we can meet the lovely young lady tomorrow." Okita's mother pointed out diplomatically, "Before we have to leave."

Itou was the only one who looked happy Ayunee wasn't there. Tetsu was upset. He had been planning to hide behind her. She was the only one he could count on to be sane!

"Perhaps we should make a toast to new friendships and old family ties?" Itou suggested, eyeing the wine speculatively. His long, elegant fingers wrapped around the dark glass and he made motions to pour.

Okita's parents, Mitsu, and a reluctant Hijikata offered their glasses forward. When Tetsu started to, he remembered his ill-fated adventure with the shots and regretfully lowered his glass. No one would have let him have some anyway. He wasn't a kid dammit!

"A toast, to all things that are going well and according to plan," Itou whispered silkily, glancing over the rim of his glass at Hijikata, who was looking for the nearest plant to dump the fermented grapes in.

Tetsu half-hoped that Itou wouldn't land in Hijikata's lap. The other half was gleefully anticipating it, and just the thought of how fast he would have to run was making him jittery.

"Do you want to go Tetsu?" Okita whispered in his ear. The long hair fell forward, tickling his face. Okita's eyes remained on Itou even as he asked. Even if he wanted to leave, there wasn't anyone to hang out with but the losers. Besides, neither Susumu nor Suzu had seemed to want company in their misery.

"No, I'm okay," He did yawn though.

Okita smiled fondly, "If you're tired, you should go to bed. Nothing too exciting is going to happen. My parents are getting slightly tipsy, so they should be retiring soon."

"I said I'm okay." Tetsu growled, biting back another yawn viciously. He grabbed a can of soda and downed half of it. He wasn't going to sleep any time soon. Not with that much sugar making its way through his system. "I'm not a kid." He added insistently, pretending to ignore the amused looks that retort earned him.

"Dear! That's hardly appropriate here." Okita's mom shrieked in surprise, holding Okita's dad's hand at mid-thigh. He just grinned at her.

Mitsu, who was holding a conversation with Itou, paused and glanced mildly behind her.

Two warm, small hands covered Tetsu's eyes just when it got good.

"Okita!" Tetsu protested, morbidly fascinated at the idea of a human body minus some clothing. It wasn't like there were a lot of girls around that he could look at.

"Mother, Father," Mitsu's voice was cool with disapproval at the wanton display, "You should be heard, not seen. Preferably by the hotel staff. They are paid to ignore that kind of thing."

"She's right, honey, this is hardly appropriate for such a young audience."

Okita's father glanced over, "Sorry about that Tim!"

Tetsu wasn't sure if he was saying sorry for what they were going to do or for what Tetsu didn't get to see.

It was about that time that the two decided to take Mitsu's advice and return to their hotel room. They bid everyone good night, leaving a very unhappy looking Hijikata. Obviously, he wanted to leave, well, still wanted to leave, but he wasn't going to abandon his charges to Itou's poisons. Or maybe he was afraid of what Okita would attempt to do in his absence.

"Perhaps now is a good time to consider retiring ourselves." Itou purred with lidded eyes. He certainly didn't look drunk or even tipsy. Hijikata squirmed harder and Okita glared. "I would be more than happy to escort this lovely young lady to her hotel room, if you would have a warm spot waiting for me."

Hijikata stared back, "I am sure you have your own bed that wishes for your company."

Okita peered brightly at Itou and smiled, "Maybe you should consider just slinking off by yourself. I will escort Mitsu home; it's my duty as her brother after all. I should make sure my sister is safe."

"I fail to see how safe you could keep her if you are mistaken for a girl as well." Itou retorted sharply.

"Stephen, do not be such a boor. This gentleman offered his assistance nicely. I could not possibly turn such a polite offer down." Mitsu chided, looking slightly flushed. She gave Itou a smile and he bowed his head slightly. "Mister Itou, if you would?"

It took only five seconds after they left the room for the speculation to begin.

"Go Professor Itou!"

"Hey, that's my sister, Heisuke!"

"Is it a good idea for them to be together unattended?"

"Not to mention drunk!"

"Now you don't think…" Everyone blurted together and paused, considering their ends to that sentence.

"We should follow them…!"

"That'd be way too obvious."

Somewhere in the middle of the jumble of exclamations, Hijikata had slipped out. Okita was glancing towards the door and cocking his head slightly.

"I have a good idea where they might go. Come on."

Tetsu had to marvel at the sheer ingenuity of it all. They were in a small outlet that was hidden by Saito's closet. The owner of the closet was out for the night, but Okita apparently had a key too everything in the school.

"Let's see here." He fiddled with some cords on the TV and it fuzzed for a moment before defining into several areas of the school. Turning to the computer beside it, he did some quick typing and clicked the mouse a few times. The screen blurred as he searched the halls for their prey. "I was right!"

Tetsu stared in horror. They were in a very, very familiar place. One Tetsu knew almost as well as his own room: Hijikata's office.

"The Demon won't like that." Shinpachi muttered, carefully shying away from Saito's collection of odd stuff. "I mean, I hope they're not…"

"Probably. My sister is a notorious man-catcher." Okita remarked grimly, "She just has no taste."

"Pfft, I think it's the other way around. And Professor Itou can always blame the alcohol tomorrow for how ugly she was—and oh my god." Heisuke paused with his eyes wide as some clothing was bypassed. "Is there sound?"

"This is sophisticated equipment for monitoring the school hierarchal government, of course there is sound." Okita pouted, "What do you think this is? A cheap operation by some poor agency? Or a porn industry?"

Heisuke grinned, "Just because the moans get you hard…"

"Ahem, can we have sound?" Shinpachi asked, cutting the other senior off impatiently.

"… such a lovely young lady. I can see why my student spoke so highly of you."

Heisuke choked slightly.

"Yes, Hugh-darling is so sweet and innocent. I can see how he grew up to be such a good man with you to tutor him."

"Ah, he's a quick learner. Really, I'm blessed. Perhaps I could provide you with a few examples of what he might like? I would be very pleased if you were both happy."

"That was not appropriate." Okita remarked grimly, "Really, my sister is awful."

"Ah-ah, do not be so hasty, young lady. This is something that should not be rushed. It is a delicate thing. Here, let me show you." There was a slight rustle of cloth and a noise from a few members of the room. Tetsu stood mesmerized. Where had those things come from?

"Trust Professor Itou to come prepared." Heisuke smirked proudly, "If only I could be half as good."

"Just don't shove handcuffs down your pants, or I'll kill you."

"Shin-baby, I wouldn't use handcuffs on you. I would be afraid to bruise your pale skin. Leather straps would be much more appropriate." Smack. "Oww, I thought you loved me again."

"…like this? I need to learn how to please a man." Mitsu gasped and whispered, "Maybe this is too fast… a room?"

"Nooo, don't get a room! We like this room; it has a camera in it!" Heisuke yelled at the screen, "Just keep going!"

"Yeah, who could pass up free porn between your finance and your teacher, right? Why don't you go make it a threesome. Should Tetsu be watching this?" Shinpachi stared at the freshman wonderingly, "I think this would invite Tatsu to have another heart attack. The school's not going to pay for his next ER visit you know."

Tetsu puffed up and said, "Like I'd tell! You guys are the ones with the big mouths! I'm not a kid, and I want to see!"

"Puppy's fine. This is just a continuation of sex ed. after all. Unless Okita's been giving him special lessons already? Besides, it's nothing you don't see in music videos on TV nowadays."

Shinpachi's jaw dropped, "I'm wondering if **I **should be watching this! Did he just…?"

Okita's eyes darkened, "He did."

"And she…?"

"She did."

"And oh lord, how is that even possible? Is that even possible?"

"It's possible." Heisuke assured them gleefully, "Very much so."

The boys watched in mute silence for another couple of minutes before Shinpachi shrieked, "Why are we watching this? It's… it's…"

"An invasion of privacy? A brother doesn't have the right to keep an eye on his sister in his parent's absence?"

"I say it's all in the name of education!"

"…It's sick and wrong! I mean, I didn't even know things like that were… were done to other people! And that's Hijikata's desk!"

"Yeah, he might want to get that cleaned tomorrow morning."

"And that's his pen."

"Pens are cheap and replaceable."

Okita's eyes narrowed further, "I gave him that pen."

"Aren't you glad it come in handy and is so useful?"

"No."

"Oh well. You should learn to let things go more." Heisuke advised and Tetsu punched him as he hovered too close to the screen, "It's more fun to cause other people stress than to be stressed by them. Oh, excuse me Puppy, are you too short to see around me? This is fascinating stuff; you should pay attention and learn something from it."

"Yes, please do not molest a woman you only met a few hours previously. Alcohol is not an excuse for such promiscuous and disrespectful behavior. Especially do not do it if you want to play pay back against a certain someone and another certain someone." Okita advised. Tetsu had no idea who those someones were or what Okita was talking about actually, but he nodded anyway, hoping the violet haired senior wouldn't go psycho in such a narrow, confined space. After all, Ayunee was out for the evening and he wasn't interested in bleeding to death or anything. "And definitely do not do it in someone's office while the other someone is watching. That's not a good idea."

"Hey, it's not like he knows we're watching. It's voyeurism after all."

"That's why both of them keep looking straight at the camera, right?"

Saito peered over Tetsu's shoulder, making the freshman jump in fright. He hadn't even heard the dark senior come in. His lidded, black eyes flickered over the scene on the screen without surprise and he remarked, "Replace the tape. It would not due to have the surveillance lapse."

"Mine!" Okita and Heisuke called at the same time.

"No way, you're not getting a tape to slander my beloved Professor Itou!"

"And I'm not going to let you blackmail my sister." Okita retorted coldly.

"Now, now." Shinpachi remarked nervously, "Maybe we can come to a compromise? Saito could keep it safe you know."

"I don't trust him. He's under Hijikata's thumb." Heisuke hissed out of the dark senior's hearing, "Who knows what he does when we're not around?"

Okita gave a vicious smirk, "Sleep, I'd imagine. Schoolwork and studying usually are helpful in getting good grades too."

"Good spies blend in."

"Fine, then we'll give it to Tetsu."

"Oh no, he's your little Puppy. All you would have to do is convince him it's for the best and poof, you've got the tape!"

"Then you want me to give it to Shinpachi? Your new boyfriend."

"What! I never said that! And who's says I'd give the tape to Heisuke. I'm not at his beck and call you know!" Shinpachi yelped and stumbled back unhappily. Saito glanced up from the other room with an annoyed expression. "That's not right, Okita!"

"Then whom can you give it to?" Tetsu asked, puzzled. Then he added, "You two fight an awful lot."

Okita's eyes warmed for a second and he ruffled Tetsu's hair with good humor, "It's natural for the two seniors who rule the school to fight. It's a conflict of interest."

"Maybe it's for the best if we destroy the tape. I mean, it's just disturbing. I didn't even think porn looked that fictional. That goes way too far beyond sexual expression. Hell, it goes beyond any moral code I've ever heard off."

"Creeped out?"

"Yes, this is going to give me nightmares."

"Aw. You want me to sleep with you? Would someone to spoon with chase away the nightmares?"

"Actually, I think that would encourage them. You can stay in your own bed."

There were another few moments of silence.

"It could be locked up in the terrorism vault." Heisuke suggested pensively. "You have to have permission from Kondo to open it. Man, that was a great idea, calling it the student council safe. And he's so trusting, he'd never look in there at all!"

Reluctantly Okita agreed. Tetsu yawned. Despite the images on the screen, he could barely keep his eyes open anymore. Swaying slightly, he hardly noticed when Okita's warm shoulder braced him. His head drooped down.

"I think that will have to do for tonight. Everyone's tired and overexcited from my family's visit. It's probably best if we all just go to sleep."

"It will be placed in the safe." Saito promised gravely, regarding them with flat eyes. Tetsu got the feeling he wanted them to go away. And the eyes watching them from the weird bottles and crap wanted them to go away too. At least Suzu's creepy black cat wasn't hanging around too. "Labeled correctly and stored properly."

"We're counting on you to lock it up tight, okay? You look like you had a lovely evening with Tokio. I'm sorry we spoiled it by invading your room, but it was very important, as you can see. Also, my family leaves tomorrow morning, so things should settle down much better. Hopefully, Mitsu will be too hungover to remember she's supposed to get married."

"God, let's hope." Heisuke muttered, "I will forever owe Itou a debt."

Saito flicked off the TV and escorted them out.

Once outside in the dark hallways, Heisuke muttered, "Don't touch that tape."

"I was going to warn you of the same thing." Okita murmured back.

"Agreed then. No touching the tape."

"The tape is purely for records." Okita agreed, "Not personal agendas."

"Good night." Shinpachi said, rolling his eyes and tugging Heisuke with him as he started trudging off towards their dorm. "We do have class in the morning, in case you guys forgot."

"'Night!" Okita called back and Tetsu stumbled slightly as he waved. Then he turned, "Let's get you to bed. I think you're brain is on overload, Tetsu."

"No, mpph's not, 'kita." He slurred back, trying to stare through blurry eyes and eyelashes. "'m 'kay."

"You will be tomorrow anyway. Right now, do you think you can stay awake until I get you to bed? It probably would create more rumors if I had to carry you back." Okita explained softly, "Not that I mind, but Tatsu might think I was doing something naughty in the middle of the night."

"Hmmph."

Somehow they made it back to his room. With an ungraceful, boneless flop, he hit the mattress and curled up in his clothing. He was in the process of trying to wiggle under the covers when he felt a hand on his pants.

"Tetsu, you can't sleep in your clothes."

"Can."

"No you can't. They'll wrinkle." Okita chided, pulling off his belt slowly. Then those fingers were brushing across his navel, and then his hips, and down the contours of the back of his legs.

Tetsu shivered slightly, giving weak kicks to help get the pants off. He hardly noticed as he was flipped around like a rag doll to get his tie and shirt off too. Then he was in a warm cocoon of blankets and pillows.

The last thing he remembered was a set of warm lips on his own and a soft, "Happy Valentine's Day, Tetsu."


	20. Chapter Thirteen

Tetsu gulped dramatically and bravely stuck his hand into the unknown. His fingers scrabbled frantically, ignoring the fuzzy, dust bunny feeling, and retrieved the pen. He wouldn't be in this mess if Suzu hadn't tossed his last pack of pens in the trash. So what if they were covered in melted Jolly Ranchers and Cheetos Puffs Orange?

Pulling his hand out with lightening speed, he collapsed on the bed, relieved.

"Maybe you should consider a career in biological hazards. You seem to have not only the knack for growing radioactive material, but also, you don't seem to be affected by it." Suzu smirked over his calculus book.

Tetsu realized his hand was coated in some sort of tangerine covered slime.

"Waaah! I'm poisoned!" He yelped, shaking his hand furiously, splattering everything in range.

"That," Suzu wiped off his face with the palm of his hand, "Was truly and utterly disgusting Tetsu. Moron ."

"Hey, Puppy," Heisuke stuck his head in the room then quickly withdrew it. Peering back around, he said, "I guess now's not a good time to ask if you would help with the dorm's spring cleaning."

"Guess not." Suzu retorted dryly, having found an anti-bacterial wipe. "By all means, come in and see if you contract anthrax. I think a chicken was trying to resurrect itself by grounding down feathers from a pillow into its crispy skin. So, perhaps, you should be more concerned about the Avian Influenza."

Tetsu smeared the rest of the goo off his hand and onto a convenient dirty sock, "That's no fair! Some of this is your mess too, you jerk!"

Suzu's amused smirk made Tetsu want to punch him, "Oh? And which part is that…"

Tetsu glanced around and stuttered, "You… that evil zombie cat! It drops black hair everywhere. And… and… that's your pencil on the ground!"

Suzu's ruby eyes glittered in sadistic pleasure, "Oh dear me, I should clean my mess up!" He reached over and picked up the pencil, "All done!" Then the little bastard gave a patronizing smile and said pleasantly, "Now it is your turn. I mean, that it is only fair, right? Am I not correct?"

"Uh…" Tetsu glanced hopelessly at his side of the room. A stack of sticky textbooks leaned in a pathetic imitation of that lopsided tower-thing in… um… that place. Clothing was flung everywhere like a mini-cyclone had a vendetta against dirty socks. Paper trash littered the bed and the desk, candy bar wrappers rubbing elbows with chemistry scribbles. His comforter was contorted and twisted, lying on the ground in a pile of half-empty pop cans.

"Well?"

"No, I'm scared." He whimpered, his natural preservation instinct kicking in. That stuff looked deadly.

"Wow, Puppy actually has a sense of fear! I'm impressed." Heisuke grinned, "You could always borrow gloves from the janitor you know."

Tetsu's eyes grew impossibly wide and he shook his head, "Hell no! That guy scares the crap out of me. His nails… they're like claws. He's a vampire! He'll eat me."

"Or molest you; he seems like the type." The white-haired freshman shuddered slightly at the mention of Maro.

"Oh, come on guys, he's not that bad." Heisuke appealed and the two looked back with utter disbelief, "Okay, so he's kind of… weird… and the make up is over done and not in good taste… but he's nice—well, in a psycho, axe-murderer way… okay, so no asking. Why don't you just sneak in and take them? You have to clean up this room Puppy. I think it violates school health codes."

"Yes, and we all know what Hijikata would have to say about that."

Tetsu cringed.

"Think of it as a mission for the betterment of student kind… you can set a healthy example." Heisuke suggested grandly, "We will definitely help!"

"Who is this 'we'." Suzu huffed.

"Why, you and I, my friend. Do you see anyone else in here?"

"No."

"Why not? Wouldn't you rather live in a spotless room? It behooves you to help us." Heisuke wheedled, "Imagine both halves of the room in perfect harmony with each other."

"They are. Tetsu's side is the yin and mine is the yang."

"Hey, are you calling me a girl?" Tetsu growled.

Suzu groaned and buried his head in the book.

"So it's settled."

"What's settled?"

Tetsu bristled, "None of your business, jerk!" Susumu raised an eyebrow, unimpressed by the freshman's fury. He crouched down by the door and watched them expectantly.

"There, a bored volunteer." Suzu pointed, "Can you not see the look of complete joy to complete such a noble task?"

Susumu's face twisted up, "What? No? I'm here to… forget it. Besides, do you think it is an insult to pigs if I call this a pigsty?"

"It's not my fault that all this crap," Tetsu kicked a pile scattering papers everywhere, "Moves on its own! I swear, the bed gnomes are doing it on purpose so I can't find things and get bad grades."

Suzu sighed, "Do seniors not have anything better to do, other than come in a freshman dorm room?"

Heisuke stepped into the room with his mouth half covered, "I'm only here to make sure he," A thumb is jerked in the general direction of Susumu, "Behaves. After all, he likes short ones."

"That was an explanation I did not need." Suzu grumbled, flopping back on the pillow.

"Asshole." Susumu snapped and Heisuke tsked lightly, "Language. There are impressionable youths in this room. Your mouth insults your sister's parenting skills."

Susumu glared, "And look at all the things your parents didn't teach you."

Heisuke shrugged and baited, "I'll just have to bring it up with Ayunee when I see her next. Not that I expect her to do much with a mentally deficient delinquent like you, but perhaps I can help."

Susumu sneered and sat on the window.

"Can you move this to another place? It is difficult to study when you are bickering like preschoolers."

Tetsu peered under his bed cautiously then cut the glares off by screaming at the top of his lungs and flailing madly. He tripped over a stack of books, hit the floor, and started thrashing around, still screaming about attack bugs with killer jaws and poisonous claws.

"Oh it's killing me! Get it off, get it off, get it off! Save me!" Tetsu shrieked, in a complete panic. He could just feel the little claws digging into his tender skin. Logically, the best way to get it off was to smash it, but that wouldn't work if he had his clothing on. Naturally, the best way to make sure it wasn't hiding in his clothing was to take it off.

"Tetsu, do not dress down in the middle of the floor!" Suzu yelped, scandalized.

"Woo-hoo, strip down!" Heisuke hooted lecherously and ended up being smacked in the back of the head by Okita.

Somehow, even in a haze of panic, Tetsu wasn't surprised that the purple-haired senior had managed to get in the middle of the action. It was a gift, truly, to sniff out and be in the middle of all the action all the time. Preferably as the star attraction.

"Tetsu, quit wiggling!" Tetsu wanted to wiggle even more as he felt fingers on his ribs, "And stop taking off your pants. It's not going to go down your underwear."

"Yeah, even bugs have a survival instinct." Susumu remarked.

"There."

Tetsu stopped thrashing and cracked at eye open, "Agggggggh! Get it away from me!"

Okita laughed and pulled the dangling bug back, "I think it's kind of cute. Ouch."

Tetsu's eyes went wide, "Oh no, Okita, did it bite you? Call 911, he's probably poisoned and going to be like spider man!"

"Oh yeah, Roach Boy, how utterly appropriate." Susumu sniggered.

Heisuke leered, "Tetsu, you should kiss it and make it all better."

Suzu rolled his eyes, "Revolting suggestion."

"Hey, I didn't say suck and lick it!" The senior protested, trying to look innocent.

"Heisuke, what are you doing now? Is everything sexual with you?" Shinpachi griped, coming into the room. His eyebrows went up his forehead at the mess before him and the giant bug being waved around, "Why is Sano's new gross pet in your room?"

"P-pet?" Tetsu sputtered, wondering if he could just kill Sano. The damn spider was dead; there was no need to replace it was something infinitely worse and definitely uncool. "It's a giant cockroach!"

The bug hissed at him, and he jumped back.

"A hissing cockroach." Okita observed, shaking the bug slightly to make it hiss again. The brown bug futilely waved its legs around, begging to escape back under Tetsu's bed.

"Cool. I say we reenact Fear Factor! Hey, Puppy, I'll give you ten bucks if you eat it whole." Heisuke grinned, taking the bug from Okita and making Tetsu jump behind the purple hair senior as protection. "Eat it!"

"Noooo, you can't eat George! George is my new pet!" Sano yelled, shoving Shinpachi out of the way and rescuing his pet from Heisuke's fingers. He cradled it in his big palms and growled, "George doesn't like you, so you should stay away from him."

"Will do." Suzu remarked, "I am surprise there is no Webber Two."

Sano glanced around and walked back out the door, looking slightly paranoid.

Suzu sighed again, "Well, as long as it is not found in my bed."

There was a pause as the chaos subsided and Sano removed his pet, making everyone in the room relax slightly. Shinpachi idly poked a sock, made a face, and retreated back to the doorway, "So, are we going tonight?"

"Going where?" Heisuke asked and Susumu scowled from the window sill unhappily. Shinpachi looked between the two and raised an eyebrow, "To Ayunee's for a party. Sususmu came over here to tell you that, but I guess he didn't get that far."

"Sounds fun." Okita remarked cheerfully, flopping down on Tetsu's bed and eyeing them brightly, "I like parties, but I don't suppose this will be adult-supervised?"

Shinpachi blink and Susumu scowled some more.

"I guess not. I figured, since Hijikata is getting ready for a date." There was a hint of mischief in his voice, although Tetsu couldn't tell if it was in anticipation of the party or the fact that the Demon might come storming in screaming about something Okita had done. The last time Okita had 'kidnapped' his favorite cologne and refused to give it back until his gummy bears were returned. "Well, it's been awhile since I've been over anyway! It'll be nostalgic."

Exasperation was coming off Suzu in waves, probably at the mention of a party he wasn't invited to, "Excuse me. If you are not cleaning, I want you out of this room. Your presence is extremely irritating and distracting."

"Supervisor!" Okita, Shinpachi, and Heisuke called at the same time. Tetsu wasn't sure what that meant; was it like saying 'not it' in tag or something?

"You do not need one supervisor, let alone three." Suzu hissed, his red eyes narrowed, clearly annoyed. His cat hissed too and retreated under the bed. He picked up his book and got up for the door, "I expect it to be clean when I return."

Heisuke barred the door with a super-friendly smile, "Oh, but it's your room too. Besides, don't you want to go to the party tonight? Think of it as a reward for doing such a good job on cleaning up your room!" He leered, "Unless you want something else as a reward…"

Suzu calmly smacked his hand away with a cool glare, "That was inappropriate, as usual. And I do not wish to attend your party, as it will most likely be base and crass, as you are when you are inebriated."

"Burn." Susumu whistled from across the room, "Couldn't have said it better myself."

"Look! My gym socks! I've been looking for those…" Tetsu cried and scooped up some gray fabric. Everyone around him took a step back.

"That was the smell. No wonder opening the windows had no effect." Suzu sniffed.

"Hey, it's not my fault they go missing; the sock monster likes to hide them!" Tetsu tried to defend himself, finding the sock's mate a few feet away, under a KFC wrapper.

"Sock monster?" Heisuke asked, "You know, Freud would have a lot to say about your sock monster issues…"

"They're not issues! It's the sock monster! You know the guy that eats your other sock from the dryer? He follows me back and hides the other sock too!"

Okita, who had apparently found some Redhots he had set down a week earlier and lost, laughed, "That's so cute Tetsu. Of course he'd want your socks."

Tetsu's brows went down and he glared at Suzu, "Tell them that you saw it too!"

The other freshman looked back with the same cool glare he'd giving Heisuke and answered, "There are no sock monsters; there are only careless people."

"You saw it! You said you did!" Tetsu persisted, "So tell them."

"I said that so I could go back to bed. It was very early in the morning and you were being quite annoying."

"Liar!"

"I had an exam that morning."

"So? You passed the stupid thing anyway; you always do." Tetsu pouted. He picked up a few papers and dumped them on his already cluttered desk. The stack tipped precariously, but Tetsu was too busy pointing his finger to notice, "Keener!"

"I merely passed because I do something that has never occurred to you: study."

Tetsu blushed hotly, "But the "good grade" voodoo doll I bought was supposed to help me and I got a D anyway!"

"Well, a D is better than an F, right?" Heisuke snickered, clearly the instigator of the voodoo dolls, or at least it was clear to everyone but Tetsu.

"I cannot believe you were so stupid as to pay money for such an obvious scam."

Okita dangled the object of discussion in front of him and remarked, "Saitou did a pretty good job; they look almost real."

Tetsu ignored him and snapped back at Suzu, "It was worth the forty-five dollars I paid for it! It helped me pass gym."

"Any moron can pass gym, moron."

Susumu threw a bag of something out from under the bed, "Let's just hurry up and get this shit done. You're wasting my time."

"Aww, are we taking away from your private time with your hand? I'm so sorry." Heisuke cooed.

Shinpachi elbowed Heisuke and went to help Susumu, "He's got a point. We can't leave until this room is clean, so we should just get it done." He picked up a paper between two fingers and flung it at the overflowing trash can, "I think we'll need some bigger trash bags too."

"Eww, is that a dead mouse?"

"Do not look at me. Kagami is simply doing her job at keeping the room free of vermin. It is simply too bad that some of the said vermin are too big for her to handle properly."

"I wish Sano would just get a real pet, not stupid little bugs and stuff." Tetsu grumbled, remembering his close encounter with George. If Mitsu only did one good thing during her visit, it was definitely smooching Sano's spider.

"True, but can you imagine Sano with a dog?" Okita remarked flippantly and everyone paused.

"I don't want to die!" "It would stink and drool." "Um, I'm allergic to dogs." "At least then he'd have some thing to sleep with at night."

Shinpachi was the first to recover from his rampant imagination of Sano with a dog, "Mice and fish are just fine."

"No worse than the fag there having a pet human." Susumu smirked, pointing at Okita.

"You can have a pet human? I wanna see! Does the Demon know?" Tetsu blurted out.

Again with the weird looks. Tetsu couldn't understand what he said that was so stupid that they all had to stare at him like he was pinned bug under glass.

"He was referring to you, Puppy."

It took a second, "Asshole!"

"Hey, I call it like I see it." Susumu shrugged.

"It's cute." Okita giggled, "But I think it might be the other way around."

"Oh gag me." Suzu growled.

Heisuke picked up a forgotten gym sock and smirked darkly, "Gladly. It would be my pleasure."

Suzu snarled, "No, I refuse to play your perverse games. I have no interest in you or your addiction to kink."

"Haha, Suzu said kink."

"Who said it would be your pleasure? I said it would be my pleasure; my ears need a rest from all your whining and complaining. Between you and Susumu, it's a wonder they work at all."

"So, we need gloves, disinfectants, and trash bags. Any volunteers to visit Maro's closet and pinch some?" Shinpachi asked, trying to get them back on track.

"Not it!"

Tetsu, Suzu, and Susumu stared at each other in horror.

"Good luck, Puppy, Kitty, Prick." Heisuke waved a dirty shirt around like a hanky and shed a mock tear, "We'll be holding down the fort for you fine soldiers. We'll let the Demon know if you don't come back in a half hour, so don't worry. He won't have enough time to hide your bodies."

"Comforting."

"But I don't want to go!" Tetsu wailed, thinking of all the horrid things that could go wrong on a mission like that. "I could die or worse, get dressed up and have makeup slathered over my face."

"In which we will be ready to comfort and console you. After we take the pictures of course."

"To sell on the internet, no doubt." Suzu put in darkly, "Let us get this over with then."

The three doomed anti-volunteers crept down the halls towards their mission goal. Class was mostly done for the day, and since it was Saint Patrick's Day, almost all the students had gone out for one reason or another. They didn't run into anyone on the way down and it was almost too much to hope that Maro would be out at some bar or circus backstage arena.

"Why am I doing this?" Suzu groaned to himself. Susumu retorted quietly, "Because you and I are dumbasses, and he's just an idiot."

"Am not!" Tetsu stuck his tongue out, no longer scared and rather excited about the whole mission. It was a great way to poke his nose into the mysteries surrounding the janitorial closet. Something no one, not even hormone-driven boys, dared to find out about. It was an adventure into uncharted territory.

"Listen, let's just get the shit and finish this up."

Tetsu peered around the corner and crept forward slowly. Susumu and Suzu fanned out behind and to the side of him, none of them willing to be taken off guard. Opening the handle quietly, he slipped inside the dark, slightly stale room. The smell of bleach and other cleaning chemicals filled his nose, making him sneeze and stumble, accidentally flicking on the light switch.

Temporarily blinded, Tetsu flailed around until Susumu caught his hand.

"Are you shit-dumb? Quit making so much noise already. You wouldn't know sneaky if it bit you in the ass, you little brat."

"Here." Suzu had gone in ahead and emerged holding out a box of latex powdered gloves and a bottle of diluted cleaner tinted the color of pee, "Now let us leave here."

"Wait, we need garbage bags!" Tetsu said, swinging back to grab a wad of black plastic bags. When he turned around, his partners in crime had vanished. Instead, a very amused looking Maro stood in the doorway, tapping his nails on the frame in a gentle rhythm.

"Uhhh…" Tetsu froze in complete, abject terror and tried again, "Er…"

"Yes?"

Tetsu could practically feel the slime coating him with that one word. It was gross. Worse than anything molding under his bed or floating in Saitou's room.

"I…" He paused again, frantically trying to think of a lie, "Needed trash bags." Dammit, that wasn't a lie, and now he looked dumb.

"I see. For what purpose, young man?" The man purred with lidded eyes, "It is not often I have the pleasure of willing, young company."

Tetsu backed up into the wall, "Er, to clean my room?"

"Clean your room you say? What a novel concept that most young men seem to forget! How rare of a young man to want to clean anything at all. What a delightful surprise, a pleasure of the highest order."

And Tetsu had no idea what he had just said, but he edged towards the door anyway.

"Please, stay for a moment while I make some tea. I will lend you any and all supplies you may require in your endeavor. I can imagine the challenges you may face attempting to create a silk purse out of a sow's ear."

Again, no idea what he said, but it just made Tetsu even more eager to escape in one piece. Who knows what killer herbs Maro put in his tea. Besides, tea was nasty and he wasn't good enough at sitting still to enjoy it. Unless he was drugged and murdered and Okita told the Demon too late… but by then he'd be out back in the place where they burned the leaves in the fall.

"Uhh…"

A thin eyebrow arched skeptically, "Are you in such a hurry you must decline? Perhaps you have other plans for this lovely holiday? I understand that young men must explore, test their boundaries, and that inebriation is part of that process." He pursed his lips, "But this shall not take long, my pet."

"Ummm… I have to go… really." Tetsu blurted, starting to panic, "Okita will be looking for me if I don't return."

Apparently a bad thing to say because Maro's face darkened slightly and his mouth pinched unpleasantly.

"I see. You are a friend of that deceptive person. Such a shame that he corrupts the innocents so rampantly." Maro clucked with disapproval, "You should learn manners from a good example."

Tetsu didn't dare ask what he meant.

"Now, follow me for a quick cup of tea. I give you my word that it will be so short that you shall not even notice the time." Maro said, snapping his fingers and forcing Tetsu to follow him in bewilderment if nothing else.

"Now, sit, please. Do you often consort with Okita?"

Tetsu watched as Maro went about making tea. There was a small kitchen at the back of the vast janitorial area. It was armed with a burner, a teapot, teacups, and a few packages of other items to go with the tea.

"Um, yeah." Tetsu was sure that was the wrong answer but it just came out on its own! "Sort of? What's 'consort' mean?"

Maro gave a soft sigh of disappointment, "I fear that was the case." He held out a cup to Tetsu, who eyed it warily before grabbing it with both hands. It looked expensive and Tatsu had always told him not to touch—no, not to even LOOK at—expensive things.

There was a soft knock on the door.

"Another guest?" Maro asked himself, tapping his chin with obscenely long nails, "Come in."

The white headed freshman's red eyes were narrowed with distaste as he entered the room. He gave a slight, respectful bow and muttered, "I am very sorry to intrude on your entertainment…" There was a pause, "…However, Tetsu is needed elsewhere. He has been shirking his duties and is required to report to the school nurse for not completing his task she sent him on."

"There you are!" S/he admonished sternly, sounding eerily like his sister in not only manner but tone as well. It scared Tetsu to the point where he wasn't sure if being with Maro was better. "I've been looking for you, Tetsu!" S/he gave a slight inclination to Maro, "Oh dear me, I'm so sorry. I hope the boy hasn't been causing any trouble for you?"

"None at all, my dear lady, none at all. In fact, it sounds quite the opposite. Well, I would ask you if you would like to stay for tea, however, you seem to be quite pressed for time." Maro said smoothly, "I shall simply ask you visit another day."

"Umm, why that would be wonderful." Susumu choked out in a girly voice, clearly not liking that idea at all, "You're being so kind and generous; thank you."

"No thank you required. I am merely acting as any gentleman would." Maro turned towards Tetsu, "And please, take what you require, and do not forget that you are also welcome back at any time."

Tetsu could only nod.

The three of them, once out of the door, ran like bats out of hell until they were all the way back at Tetsu and Suzu's dorm room. Panting, Susumu glared at Tetsu and snapped something about idiot brats who didn't have the sense god gave horse shit. Suzu merely flopped on his bed, chest heaving, and declared that he was never going near there ever again, not even for Yoshida.

"I thought he was nice." Tetsu gasped out, hands on his knees.

"Yet you ran too. Your instincts are smarter than you fucking brain, retard." Susumu retorted. "I hope you didn't drink any of that fucking shit he shoved under your nose. Even you can't be that fucking stupid."

Tetsu gulped.

"Tetsu… you idiot!" Suzu shouted. He grabbed his forehead as if in severe pain and grimaced, "You are an utter idiot!"

"I heard you the first time, jerk." Tetsu mumbled resentfully. "And for tea it didn't taste too bad."

"You're lucky it wasn't some date rape drug."

Tetsu furrowed his brow, "A what? I don't get it, why would you want to molest a day? And what do drugs have to do with it?"

Both of them groaned and Susumu even pounded a fist into the poor wall.

"Have you been living under a rock man? Or are you really that stupid?"

"Or perhaps both." Suzu put in, finally having caught his breath. He flipped over onto his stomach and cocked his head, "Where is everyone?"

"Bastards, they skipped out so that we'd have to clean the mess by ourselves!" Susumu growled, dropping his cleaning supplies, "Fuck no, I'm not cleaning after pulling that stunt."

Tetsu shrugged and starting shoveling things into his bag. It was filling up rather quickly and he was wondering if the handful of bags was enough. Ten bags should do it, right? After tossing in several more objects and a stack of homework, he was beginning to wonder. Anyway, a half clean room was better than a not clean room any day in his opinion. If Suzu wanted to bicker he could go back and get more bags and drink calendar-assaulting tea.

Tying off the top, Tetsu pulled the bag over to the window and chucked it over the sill. He certainly didn't want to lug the stupid thing down the stairs and to the dumpster outside. This was much faster and easier. He would just go down and…

"Who did that?"

All three teenagers cringed at the furious voice and Tetsu peeped over the sill. A very pissed gym teacher glared back at him with murder in his eyes. A banana peel was draped rakishly over one eye and there was a suspicious looking wet spot on his crotch. The bag lay innocently at his feet.

Suzu whispered from his bed, looking horrified, "What did you do, Tetsu? You just… just…"

"Whacked him off with a garbage bag. Smart one." Susumu finished, shoving Tetsu into view of the enraged man. "Now make nice so he doesn't come up and slaughter us all, or I'll throw you out the window to bow and kiss his fucking feet."

Tetsu cringed as flaming ebony eyes sought him out.

He. Was. Going. To. Die.

"You! Did you do this?"

"Umm… yes, sir. ButIdidn'tmeantohityousirhonest!" Tetsu panicked and wished he had hit someone, anyone, else. Even the Demon would be easier to deal with because Okita would keep him from killing Tetsu. The redhead looked to Suzu and realized there was no helping forthcoming from that corner. The white haired boy looked fascinated at how Yoshida would flail Tetsu alive. "IswearitIdidn'tmeantohitanyoneespeciallynotyou!"

"Boy!" Yoshida snapped darkly, "Do not apologize like a dumb cow from above me. Come down to face me properly."

That would be a big NO.

At least if Yoshida decided to kill Tetsu he would have a head start to go find someone to hide behind. If he went down there, in reach, it could be over in less than ten seconds. And it was little consolation if Yoshida went to jail if Tetsu's spine was snapped in half like a toothpick.

"Get. Down. Here."

The freshman's blood ran cold and he hoped he didn't just pee himself. He was going to die. He half expected Yoshida to pull out some throwing knives and put them through his eyeballs and into his brain.

"Do it, dipshit." Susumu hissed. Suzu nodded in agreement, his eyes shaded in cool consideration, "You would do better to go down there. He will not forgive you if he has to appear here."

Tetsu gulped and he was about to move towards the door—move stupid feet move—when Kondo sauntered by.

He cheerfully greeted Yoshida and asked if he was helping out the gardening club with the compost pile. The frost from that glare would've stopped anyone else, but Kondo just gave an oblivious smile and said it was nice that the teachers at the school were so interested in helping their students. It showed a nice sense of learning and teamwork.

"That _young man_," This was said through ground teeth and Tetsu could just imagine those same teeth grinding his bones like a dog, "Just threw this bag," Poke, "Out with window without any regard for the consequences."

"Oh, Ichimura, you look quite chipper. Is it true you threw that out the window? That's not very safe, you know. I want you to promise you'll never do it again… at least not without giving warning first." Kondo lectured sternly. "If you don't yell it out, someone might get seriously hurt. You're lucky it was only Yoshida."

Yoshida looked shocked then silently fumed.

"Did you say you're sorry and that it will never happen again?" Kondo continued, not even noticing the dagger glares aimed at his head.

Tetsu could only nod weakly.

Kondo pounded Yoshida on the back and announced cheerfully, "Then it's settled! And I'm sure Yoshida won't mind taking this to the dumpster for you. After all, you can't study properly if you're running up and down the stairs, although that might take an edge off your spunkiness."

Tetsu didn't need Saitou's predictions to know what was in his future.

"But sir, I can…" Tetsu stuttered, wondering if he could do anything to change to his fate.

"Nonsense. Yoshida doesn't mind, do you Yoshida?" The dark man glowered, "See? No harm done."

Yoshida slowly picked up the bag like it was a dead body and gave one last, promising look at Tetsu. Kondo just beamed and walked off whistling.

"Oh God." Tetsu whispered, hearing the little Tatsu voice admonishing for using the lord's name in vain, and heaved himself down. His heart was doing a fast-paced jig and his lungs were break dancing. "Oh God."

"When will you ever learn?" Suzu smirked, not remotely sympathetic. Susumu frowned and asked, "So, what kind of flowers do you like?"

"You're going to give me flowers? Eww, no! I don't like you like that… well, I don't like you very much at all but…" Tetsu sputtered and Susumu rolled his eyes, "No, you fucking moron, I meant for your funeral! You're a fucking deadman walking. There's a black mark on you now that claims you for the underworld."

Tetsu was in the processing of stripping and trying to find that black mark when the seniors walked back in.

"Now, boys, please behave." Ayunee said mildly and Hijikata glared at them over her shoulder with a look that said 'I know what you are thinking and don't even try it unless you want to die.'

"We're not children." Susumu rolled his eyes sullenly, "It's not like we're going to burn the house down or break all the fine china."

Ayunee gave him a slight smile, "I know that, but I don't want to come home to a mess. And don't get Tetsu drunk."

Hijikata rumbled at that, apparently thinking no one should get drunk at all.

"Hey, why didn't you say Suzu too? He's the same age as me!" Tetsu protested and Susumu flicked him in the head, "Because he's too pansy to even think about drinking."

"Because I am much more mature than you will ever be and have no interest in such debase activities." Suzu sniffed, "At least I have brain cells to mourn."

"Be good boys." Ayunee offered as she and Hijikata walked towards the door. The two of them were going out for something or other, leaving the boys alone for the night. Obviously, Ayunee wasn't naïve enough not to expect a bit of a party and some chaos. "And remember you have school tomorrow morning. I'm sure Toshi will be happy to check up and make sure you don't skip."

Tetsu was sure he would be plenty happy to do just that.

Heisuke waited until the door clicked shut before happily announcing that he had located some green beer and it was waiting on the back porch. Then he disappeared into the kitchen and reappeared with some weird cups.

Okita sniffed reproachfully, "Ayunee said not to get drunk."

Heisuke smile, "Is my name Puppy? Besides, this isn't enough to get _you_ drunk." He sidled closer, "And you know your sweet tooth is crying right now."

"Absolutely not." Okita sniffed moodily, his eyes following the tray lazily from beneath his lashes, "What kind of good example would I be if I fell for your cajoling?"

Heisuke handed Tetsu a cup, "Here, show him you don't need a good example; they're way overrated and as fun as a game of kick the can."

Tetsu stared into the cup and was surprised to see lime Jell-o staring back at him. Well, not really staring because, well, it wasn't alive and it didn't have eyes. He didn't really see what the problem was with Jell-o. True, lime was a nasty flavor but it was hardly what he would consider dangerous.

He glanced at Okita for some clue and saw the 'don't do it' look on the purple haired boy's face.

"Um… I'll pass… I guess." Tetsu declined.

Heisuke snorted, "You've got a smudge on your nose, big time."

Tetsu's fingers went up to rub the spot off, idly wondering if it was that black mark Susumu had claimed was on him.

"You sure you don't want one?"

"Pretty sure."

"Yup, still there." Heisuke said in mock sympathy and shook his head slightly, "Go have some punch… I don't think Sano's spiked it yet."

Okita watched him go with bird-like curiosity then remarked, "When will he learn that being hammered is only fun for the people blackmailing him?" His hand rubbed Tetsu's head and for some reason the boy felt proud for turning down the concoction, although one thing was bothering him, "Okita, why didn't you have any? I thought you liked Jell-o."

"I don't need alcohol to have a fun time." Okita smirked mischievously, "Besides, being sober has its rewards."

"Not all of us are naturally high all the time, fag." Susumu brooded, a cup of green punch in one hand and a chocolate chip cookie in the other. It looked weird to see him with normal junk food and in fairly normal clothing, "This is Saint Patrick's Day, not Halloween."

The shorter boy just shrugged and hummed in a low, dark voice, "I'll be nice to not be blamed for once."

By then Tetsu realized he was bored silly. And thirsty. But mostly he was bored and he had one really good cure for that affliction.

"Suzu!"

No answer.

"Get out here! It's a party, so you shouldn't be hiding!" Tetsu continued, wandering through the small house.

He stumbled into the living room and glanced around. It was causally furnished with nice, expensive looking furniture. Two large, dark leather chairs framed the room and glass figurines danced on the heavy wooden mantle above a useable fireplace. Rugs with deep patterns of gold, red, and black adorned the floors. An old grandfather clock ticked loudly on the far wall.

It made Tetsu want to back out slowly for fear of breathing on something and having it break.

He was almost out when some white caught his eye. A pair of ruby eyes stared at him balefully from beneath a cream-colored afghan.

"Get away from me." Suzu hissed.

Tetsu ignored him and flopped down companionably on the leather couch that matched Suzu's leather chair, "Why are you even here if you don't want to be with everyone? I don't get how you're such a loner. Even Saitou participates when he's around."

"Because you are a nitwit." Suzu snapped, "And loud idiots give me headaches."

Tetsu stuck his tongue out, "That's so boring."

Raucous laughter reached their ears and suddenly Irish drinking songs filled the speakers and vibrated through the wall. Worse yet, Sano decided that it was actually karaoke night and started belting out the lyrics. Or some form of the lyrics anyway.

"Fuck you I'm drunk… Fuck you I'm drunk… dump my punch in the tub and I'll take a good scrub… Fuck you I'm drunk… And I'm going to be drunk 'til the next time I'm drunk."

Suzu clapped his hands over his ears, "Please pass out. Please pass out."

Each chorus seemed to get slightly more slurred and much louder.

Tetsu grabbed his arm and tugged, "C'mon, just be social for once! You can't be an anti-social prick forever."

"Yes, I can. Leave me alone to wallow in my misery."

Tetsu gave an extra hard tug then started dragging the other freshman across the floor, clawing and struggling the whole way. Tetsu was nailed in the shin twice before Sano picked up the younger boy and slung him around like nothing.

"Let's play some games." Okita suggested with a bright look in his eyes. It was a look Tetsu had never seen before and he suspected that the Jell-o had gotten the best of Okita's sweet tooth.

"Just stay the fuck out of my bedroom. This isn't a love hotel and I don't want necking or fucking in my bed."

"Sorry, I'd have to be plastered out of my mind, body, and soul to even consider looking at you naked for five seconds. Hell, even with the lights off it'd be a stretch." Heisuke said with a shit-eating-grin.

"Play nice; he's our host." Shinpachi warned, his cheeks very pink.

"If he's my hostess, then he should be catering to my needs."

Susumu snarled, "Fuck you."

"And you wonder why people don't play with you very often. You've just got such a nasty attitude. No, I think it might be a personality defect." Heisuke clucked, taking a sip from his cup.

"Games, let's play." Okita insisted with a calculating look and an innocent smile, "It's not a party without games."

"Fine." Heisuke waved a hand negligently. "What games do you want to play?"

"No Twister." Shinpachi said sourly, "I think my hand is still crushed from last time. Besides, Sano wasn't drunk then and now I think he'd flatten someone."

"Truth or Dare." Suzu suggested mildly, looking slightly interested. "With punishment rounds."

"Ooo, vicious."

Suzu gave a wry smile, "Intentionally so. I would like to see you suffer."

"Let's scare each other!" Sano boomed, "Boo!"

Heisuke raised an eyebrow, "That might have some merit. At least it wouldn't be the same-old."

Okita bounced up gleefully, "We can split into teams and see who chickens out first! It'll be fun."

"Too bad Saitou isn't here." Shinpachi smirked, "He'd be perfect."

"I'm with Tetsu!" Okita shrieked, much louder than usual. Instead of slowing him down, the alcohol only seemed to jack him up into a dangerous high of hyperactivity. Tetsu just hoped no one would push his buttons when he was like this; he was libel to kill someone. "Who else wants to be on our team?"

"Fag," Susumu snorted.

"Okita, you, Tetsu, and Suzu can be a team and Susumu can be the judge." Shinpachi said sensibly, "Is that alright Susumu? If you want, I can be the judge and you can be on my team…"

"No, it's fine." Susumu said with a smile, "I'll judge. It's not like I'd want to be on his team anyway."

"You have a half hour to get ready. Go!"

"No rules?"

"Rules are for losers and wimps."

"Okay, come on Tetsu!"

"Hey—ah, don't pull me like that!"

"Get your hands off my person, Tetsu!"

Tetsu was caught up in a flurry of activity as Okita blazed through the house, looking for something useful. He gathered several items and Tetsu had a sneaking suspicious he had been here before, since he seemed to know where everything was already.

At the half hour mark they met back up in the living room. Only Shinpachi was waiting for them from the other team. He waited with a cat-like smile; a cat who had just gotten a saucer of cream.

"We'll go first." Shinpachi announced grandly, "Because we've got something unbeatable. Here, put these on." He handed out three white strips of cloth and gestured for them to be used as blindfolds.

Obediently, Tetsu put his on.

They were led up a short flight up stairs and into a room.

Shinpachi whipped off the blindfolds and Tetsu screamed until he thought his lungs would pop out.

"Teehee, ready for your make-over?" Heisuke asked in a high falsetto voice, batting his hideously saturated eyelashes and flashing lipstick-stained teeth, "Our stylist is simply the best. You couldn't find better if you were a Fox news anchor."

"No!" Tetsu wailed as he was dragged over and tied to a chair with a strip of rope. Thrashing wildly, he tried to avoid the brushes of death. "No, no, no!"

"Hold still!" Sano said, grabbing his head in a meaty fist and liberally applying bright red harlot lipstick to Tetsu's face. It smeared all over his lips, chin, and dabbed on the tip of his nose. Next was the blush. Tetsu thought he looked like someone had slapped him around, it was so red. The eyeliner was a horrible shade of neon green and the mascara practically glued his eyeballs shut. Even the clowns would shun him.

Okita stifled a giggle, "That's pretty scary."

"I don't know; he looks pretty cute. Aww, the little Puppy is all dressed up." Heisuke cooed, rubbing a bit of blush off on Tetsu's shirt as he brushed his face against his shoulder lovingly.

Tetsu tried to bite him.

"Next, Suzu."

The white haired freshman was doing his best to raise utter hell.

He was screaming and thrashing. All that cool composure he usually held around him like a shield was gone, melted. It left a livid, terrified, and irate teenager trying to knee his captures in the face. At one point he had almost escaped but Okita deftly blocked the door with an 'oops, I tripped' and it was all over.

Tetsu couldn't decide if he wanted to laugh or cry at the result of Sano's non-artistic talents. Sano had gotten bored with conventional places to put makeup, so he decided to doodle fuzzy, black lines in twirling patterns with the eyeliner. A stick pony danced across the freshman's pale cheek, playing in the eye shadow surf that rolled across the cheekbone. The other boy's eyebrows were slathered in lipstick, turning them cotton candy pink and mascara marks made interesting looking tattoos across his forehead and hairline.

Okita popped down into the chair next, saying that this was way scarier than what they had come up with and that he surrendered.

"Heh, commando-style." Sano chuckled, putting what he envisioned as war paint on the other senior's face.

"You know, I don't get that. If you're not going to bother to wear underwear, why not just go completely naked? I find the wind is rather invigorating for my mmph…" Heisuke was cut off by a quick, tongue-filled kiss by Shinpachi who merely said, "Shut up."

"Are you planning to reward my good behavior?" Heisuke grinned lecherously, "Because my mouth likes to be busy."

"Oh spare me. You win for being the most disgusting. And the thought that you were ever born into this world is the scariest thing I've ever seen, so I guess you win that too." Susumu butted in.

"I am scarred!" Suzu howled in utter misery, gagging as he tasted lipstick on his tongue, "Had I been drunk, I might have forgotten this, but now, all the alcohol in the world will not erase my memories! I hate you all!"

Then the doorbell rang.

The room was stock-still.

The door rang again.

"Maybe it's a salesman or something?"

"Just leave it; they'll go away." Susumu remarked impatiently, "If it was someone I wanted to know, they would have a key."

The bell rang a third time and then there was knocking.

"So go answer it."

"You."

"No, you."

"I'll go answer it." Okita smiled through black lipstick, "I'm sure I'm not too off-putting for your neighbors."

Susumu took one look, "Fuck no, you aren't answering the door."

Susumu padded off towards the foyer and then everyone heard a loud, "Fuck! It's that freak."

Tetsu could think of lots of people Susumu would call a freak, but few of them merited such conviction. Maybe because of the timing, but Tetsu immediately thought of Maro. Which was just silly because how would he even know where Susumu lived or anything?

"Shit," Susumu flew into the room, "Someone, go out there and stall him. Buy me some time."

"Who?"

"What?"

"I'll go."

"Fuck no! Not you. Someone else."

Okita pouted, "But no one else wants to go. I'm volunteering."

"No way. Then the Demon will definitely know you've been drinking and we'll all be reamed!" Susumu shouted, "Tetsu, get out there and entertain your friend."

"Me?" Tetsu considered who Susumu might call his 'friend', "I don't know what you're talking about and I don't want to."

"Give him some damn tea!"

Tetsu's eyes widened and he swore feverently, "Oh hell no! I'm not going out there!"

"You liked the Micheal Jackson wannabe well enough earlier. And just distract him long enough for me to change. Do you want to be busted?"

"Yes!" Okita shouted wildly, "Hijikata will be sooooooooo pleased that Maro came over to see Ayunee. He might just kill us all."

Everyone paused.

"Puppy, get out there!" "Tetsu, move it." "Do it, moron, or I shall never forgive you."

Suddenly Tetsu found himself being flung out into the hall.

The bell rang another time.

Cautiously, he turned the knob and peered out the crack. Maro looked at him with a pleasant smile plastered on his thin lips.

"My dear boy, I simply had no idea that you were to be over here as well. It is nice to see that you consort with your teachers outside of class. They do so want you to succeed. It is always good to get on a more…" Maro paused with a wicked smile, "Personal level. That is what I believe in any case."

"Umm, sure." Tetsu opened the door a little more, "Do you want to come in? I mean, if you sit down, I can go get Ayunee. You want to talk to her, right?"

"I would so appreciate it, young man." He drawled out the last two words, brushing a long, perfect nail across Tetsu's chubby cheek, "Such odd pastimes you seem to have. I could show you a much more tasteful way of applying color. After all, you have no desire to look like a corpse, do you? Corpses are unexciting, uninteresting."

Tetsu tried to pull back.

"I prefer my company to be… how shall we say, fiery? I enjoy seeing spirit… owning spirit… mastering spirit."

Tetsu shuddered.

"You are quite spirited. I think that is what I enjoy most about your delightful company." Maro purred, allowing himself to be led into the living room and seated in a leather chair. "Come, entertain me for the moment."

Tetsu decided he didn't know what Maro meant by 'entertain him' but he could try juggling. Okita had been trying to teach him for the last couple of weeks and it was slow going. He just didn't have the knack. Still, everyone else seemed to find his attempts vastly amusing, so he could try it.

Tentatively, he picked up three wax oranges from a display. They were about the right size, if a bit off in weight.

It was all going well, or at least Tetsu thought it was, until one of the wax balls flew off on an unerring course towards Maro's head. The janitor caught it without batting an eyelash at the missile and tossed it back with a gentle underhand throw.

"Again." He clicked his nails. "This amuses me."

Somehow, Tetsu felt like he had turned into a court jester entertaining a king or something. It was unnerving, since he didn't know when the order of execution would come.

"Sorry…" Susumu huffed slightly out of breath at the scramble, "For the long wait. I hope young Tetsu kept you in good company?"

Tetsu, personally, was amazed and impressed not only at how the make up application was steady (obviously not Sano's work) but also how fast Susumu managed to change and clean himself up. Now only if he didn't reek of beer.

"He was marvelously entertaining." Maro assured, truly looking entertained. There was a slight smirk tugging on his colored lips and his nails tapped the couch arm in a slow, soothing pattern. "And I should be the one to apologize, coming over without any announcement. However, I assumed that you would want this as soon as possible."

This? What this? What would Ayunee every want from a freak like that? Tetsu's mind was split between panic mode and blank. For his sanity, he chose the white side. It was easier to just be ignorant.

Apparently Susumu, despite being impaired, was thinking the same way because he recoiled back and hit the leather chair. Steadying himself, with Maro looking on, he gave a feeble smile.

"Why… I don't know what to say." Susumu stuttered slightly.

Maro merely gave a reassuring smile and inclined his head, "Oh no, it is merely a _professional_ courtesy. After all, I may need your _services_ in the immediate future. No, such a selfish person such as I, I wish for the security this will give me. Plus, it is always a pleasure to speak to another adult, not a young being."

Tetsu felt his jaw drop. He knew what 'services' meant… after all, Heisuke let him watch that show on the internet that one time. That was something he so didn't want to see.

"Perhaps we can take it further next time? I would love to take you out for some coffee." There was a wicked glitter in his eyes, "Young Susumu."

Busted.

Okita poked his head around the corner, not remotely cleaned up from Sano's art fest, and called out helpfully, "I don't think that was a request."

"Thanks." Susumu growled at Okita then turned back to Maro, "How'd you know?"

Maro gave him a slight smile, "I commend your attempts, and you might have even fooled a blind idiot, however, your hair part is incorrect."

"That's it?" Susumu snarled, red faced, "That's how you knew?"

"Indeed." Maro said quietly, "Pouting about it like a child will do you no good in any case. Where would you like to go for coffee? Or would you prefer tea… in my office."

"Fuck no! I don't want anything to do with you at all. You sick old man." Susumu snarled, trying to jump away and only managing to trip over the chair again. "Get out! Get out before I call the cops."

"I am sure that the police are well aware of your address already, assuming they are not already on speed dial of your neighbors. However, whom shall they believe when they appear? A drunk, under-aged youth with a reputation or a law-abiding citizen doing his coworker a favor and returning her medical journal." A thick, importantly looking book appeared in his long fingers.

Tetsu had to admire how neatly trapped Susumu was. And he thought Itou was smooth!

Maro gave another gentle smile, "Or, perhaps, I shall wait until your sister and her date get home and speak to them about irresponsible youths? True, there is not much to be done about," The man gave an inclination of his head toward Okita, "Child, but that is Hijikata's problem in any case. At the very least, there will be consequences for your friends."

Then it hit Tetsu: he was in some deep trouble. Again. And he didn't even do anything this time! Not that it mattered much to Tatsu. His brother would gladly take the opportunity to flip the hell out again and maybe he'd make them move out of the city! Then Tetsu could never see his friends again or Susumu. He would be alone again.

"Just do it!" Tetsu hissed at Susumu, "It's your fault anyway!"

Heisuke encouraged, "Yeah, be a man for once!" Then he dropped his voice, "And I win another $20. Maro is definitely into little boys."

"You're blackmailing me." Susumu scowled, his face like a thundercloud of fury. He had his fists balled but made no move to sock the older man in the face.

"Yes, I believe that would be the word. You have an impressive vocabulary. It makes me wonder why you know such a word in the first place, since you seem so disgusted by it. I will give you a few moments to decide the lesser evil, which I assure you, after working with Hijikata for awhile, is not me." Maro yawned politely behind his hand and glanced at Tetsu, "You know how to make tea, correct? If I could bother you for a cup, I would vastly appreciate it. All this talking is making me parched."

Tetsu nodded and scrambled off to the kitchen to make some tea. He even got there before he realized he didn't know where anything but the water was kept. Banging through the cabinets, he jumped about five feet when he felt someone slip up behind him.

"Shh, calm down Tetsu." Okita caught the cup he had dropped before it shattered on the counter. At some point he cleaned up so that he wasn't running around with blue and pink camouflage on his face. He also looked a little more subdued, which surprised Tetsu. He thought the senior might be gleeful at the trouble Susumu was in. "Here, take this. I'll get the tea; it's in the cupboard up here."

Between the two of them, the tea was made and Tetsu steeled himself to take it out. He paused at the kitchen door, "What will happen if Susumu doesn't do it?"

Okita gave a bright smile at his gloomy face and ruffled his hair, "Don't worry about that, okay? We won't let anyone take our precious Puppy away, Tetsu. Even Hijikata would miss yelling at you too much."

Tetsu frowned, "But you'll get in trouble too… for drinking."

Okita briefly looked guilty, probably because Tetsu caught him and not because he had been drinking, "True, but it won't be for anything I haven't done." He added proudly, "Tetsu, you haven't touched anything all night. So there's no way you can get in trouble for it. Now, go give Maro his tea. I'd go with you, but he doesn't like me for some reason and it might upset him to see me hanging around you."

Tetsu was beginning to notice for every person that love and indulged Okita, there was another person who despised and hated him.

He carefully carried the tea out, thankful, for once, of being Hijikata's student aid.

"Here."

Maro tilted his head, looking perfectly comfortable in a stranger's house and blackmailing the owner, "Thank you, young Tetsu. I truly appreciate your willingness to be a polite host in place of your friend."

Tetsu wanted to point out that Susumu wasn't his friend, but then he thought Maro might be talking about Okita and clamped his mouth shut. If it wasn't open, his foot couldn't fit in it, right?

Susumu, who had been pacing, abruptly stopped. His eyes narrowed thoughtfully and he said in a measured voice, "One date…"

"…Per person." Maro bargained.

"Shit, then that's only one date because I don't care about all those losers. Well, I mean, most of them. Maybe one or two are okay." He scuffled his foot then kicked the wall in a temper, "Besides, who's making the deal here, them or me?"

"Go on then."

"One date where ever you want, but I go dressed as a woman." Susumu continued, "And no photographs," His eyes shot to where everyone knew the trio was listening on the other side of the wall, like the cowards they were, "In exchange, you leave right now without calling the police or telling my sister."

Maro took a delicate sip of the tea then handed Tetsu the teacup before rising gracefully, "A fair deal, I suppose. I accept. However, if you do not hold up your end of the deal, I will not tell your sister, I will tell Hijikata. Not only on you, but on every member here, including Suzu Kitamura and Tetsu Ichimura. So keep that little incentive in mind if you get butterflies in your stomach from the thought of a real, civilized outing."

With that, he swept himself out the door, leaving dead silence.

Susumu sunk down to his knees, the drinks and the deal finally getting to him, and moaned, "I'm so fucked."

"Hey, it could be worse." Shinpachi tried to sooth sympathetically and Heisuke chuckled wickedly, "Yeah, you could be having "tea" over his office desk."

Tetsu knew Susumu was really down because he didn't even snap back.

"Who wants more beer?" Sano boomed, naturally very loud after being quiet for so long. He held out the beer like it was an elixir of life towards everyone.

Okita shook his head, not remotely looking tipsy, "I think we've had enough for the night, Sano. Remember, Hijikata is going to check to make sure you are in class tomorrow. Not everyone has your tolerance and I fear there are going to be some painful hangovers tomorrow."

"Yeah, won't that just suck?" Susumu mumbled, "I'd rather be fucking permanently hung over than going out with that freak. Hell, I'd rather be in a fucking coma and on life support than that!"

"Let's watch a movie or something." Shinpachi suggested, looking like he needed to sit down. "At least until Hijikata gets back. I don't think anyone wants Sano or Tetsu to drive us home."

"Hey! I'm not drunk."

Shinpachi leveled him a look, "Exactly. I know how you drive when you're sober, and it's worse than any of us drunk."

"Say that again, raccoon-killer." Tetsu mumbled and got a smack in the head. Heisuke walked by and ordered, "Go make some coffee, freshman, we need to sober up."

Tetsu grumbled about it, but it wasn't so bad when Okita joined him. And all he could think is that they wouldn't let him go. Okita wouldn't let him go. And despite the looming of Hijikata's return, which would definitely go to hell, he was pretty happy about the night. After all, he wasn't Maro's new little pet anymore.

Beta's comment: You know, Maro def, gets some serious rp. This was not something to read when the entire house is sleeping. I know you will consider my "comments/remarks" for future use. )) poor black day. Why can't we have that here? I'd order pizza…well not that I need a reason to order one, it's just another reason to! I can't wait to read the next chapter


	21. Chapter Fourteen

**Warning: OC s running rampant alert! **

Spring Break

Somehow, another break had rolled around and Tetsu found himself wedged in the backseat of Sano's van again. Susumu was on one side of him, zoned out with his iPod on full blast and Shinpachi was snoring lightly on the other side. Heisuke was "navigating," for whatever that was worth. Especially considering that they'd been driving around in circles for almost two hours now. Tetsu's butt was getting tingly.

"Tada! And we're here."

Shinpachi grunted and cracked an eye lazily, "That's the fifteenth time you've said that, Heisuke. Are we really here this time?"

"Shinpattsan, I'm wounded to the core! You have so little faith in me."

"So that means no." The eyelid slid back down, "Wake me up when we're actually in the parking lot."

Tetsu nodded in silent agreement and mashed buttons on his DS. He really didn't see the point of this stupid game. Who wanted to do math problems anyway? Sure, he told Tatsu that it was "educational" and some shit, but he didn't think that his big brother would actually get him the lamest game ever invented. Anything that had Brain in the title, that wasn't proceeded with gun or blow up, had to be just plain out stupid.

"Blue! GoddammitIsaid BLUE!"

"Turtles!" Sano piped up cheerfully from the front.

Tetsu's jaw dropped, "Bastard! Turtles isn't a color! Turtles! Hey, it's not working!"

"You're too smart for it, shithead." Susumu muttered, "It knows you know turtles isn't a color. It's fucking with you."

"But Sano…"

"I rest my case." The teenager rumbled disagreeably, "Hey, when are we stopping this bucket of rust and getting some food?"

"When we get to where we're going!" Heisuke remarked cheerfully, "Take a left, Sano."

The car lurched right then swung left.

"Real men ask for directions. Hey, Susumu, get out and go ask for directions in that gas station." Heisuke smirked and almost got served a bloody nose. He ducked back and tsked, "Don't complain if you're not going to do anything about it."

"Quit calling me a chick!"

"I called you a chick? I think that might be an insult to all women; after all, we're not sure exactly what you are."

Shinpachi opened the door and slid out of the van. His orange hair was waving from the scrunched up nap in the back seat and he rubbed a little sleep out of his eyes, "I'll be right back. Don't kill anybody while I'm gone."

"Aww, he's so cute like that!" Heisuke gushed and Susumu made gagging noises. Tetsu just stabbed the screen with his stylus and muttered, "That was so an eight, stupid game. Eight! It's an eight, not a zero!"

"Oh no." Heisuke growled, "Of all the bad luck." He looked slightly nervous, although Tetsu couldn't figure out why.

Tetsu glanced out of the window, "At least Okita's not with us."

Sano nodded sagely, "Yes, that's good. Ren and Okita aren't very nice. Kinda like a rat and a snake."

"Which begs the question who's who." Susumu muttered, "Can't say that creepy cross dresser is my favorite person in the whole fucking wide world either."

"But aren't you a creepy cross dresser too?" Tetsu blinked as a finger got shoved in his face. "Hey, it's true!"

Shinpachi stuck his head in the rolled down window, "I found Ren in there. He says we can follow his car to the mall or we'll never get there. Something about Heisuke has the sense of direction of an apple. The only place his mind ever goes is down? Anyway, Sano, follow that…"

"Wait… he said that?" Heisuke demanded and Shinpachi shrugged lightly, "Something to that effect."

Heisuke muttered, "I knew it; he's still mad at me for winter break." Shinpachi shrugged and got in the back, not refuting his claim.

The van was silent as they followed Ren's beat up Honda Civic to the Great Mall of America. It wasn't until they got into the parking lot and unloaded that Tetsu turned off his DS and stashed it under the seat. Maybe he could get a better game if he begged someone with money…

"Okay everyone, you all know Ren," Shinpachi said, gesturing to his cousin who smirked back in greeting, "This is his girlfriend Steph. She lives in the area."

Tetsu wasn't sure there was a person under all the metal and ink, let alone if it was female or not.

"Yo." She nodded, "Pleased to meet y'all. Ren's said some pretty wild things about 'ya. Hope you don't mind if we don't hang out too much. We're meeting some friends inside, so we ain't babysitting much. Unless you want to meet the crew too?"

Shinpachi rolled his eyes, "Nice way to treat family."

She pinched his check sharply, "I never said you couldn't come, just that we're busy people, Shin."

Shinpachi swatted her hand away and she cocked her head at Heisuke, "So this is the beau, huh? Well, you could definitely do worse. Hmm, definitely could do better though. Hey you, if you ever hurt Shin, I'll kick your ass little boy."

"Little boy?" "Haha, do it and more power to you." "She's scary."

"C'mon Ren, Jen and Evie are probably waiting." Steph twisted to look over her shoulder, "Guess the kiddies should come; we wouldn't want them getting lost or anything."

Ren gave an apologetic smile and trailed after his girlfriend. Shinpachi rolled his eyes, "Crazy. He's crazy about her and I don't get it. Should we go with them? Their friends are probably freaks."

Heisuke smirked, "Sano's been looking for a new girlfriend, and he doesn't mind freaks. Oh, and I'd say Susumu too, but he seems to be getting pretty cozy with Maro."

"To save YOUR ass, jerk. I saved you and you so owe me!" Susumu hissed, "You ungrateful piece of shit."

"You say it was to save us but you know you enjoyed it. That's why you've gone out at least two more times." Heisuke smirked knowingly, "Looks like you've found a soul mate."

Tetsu wasn't so sure it was a good idea, but the Tatsu voice was saying to mind his manners and he decided to listen to it this time. He wasn't interested in any trouble and he wanted some stories to take back to Suzu and Okita.

* * *

Tetsu was definitely going to have some stories to tell.

Ren and Steph's two friends were sharing a table in the food court. They seemed normal enough at first glance. Both were in their twenties wearing normal clothing and normal hair and just plain normal stuff. If they were guys or something then they looked pretty normal.

"Evie," Steph pointed to the tall, slender girl with the short hair then to the shorter, well-kept girl, "Jennifer, this is my "coz" Shin and his friends from school." Steph gave a short wave of her hand, "They're tagging along today, if that's okay."

"Sure," Evie gave a polite smile and glanced over her glasses, "That's not a problem. It's not like we own the mall or anything. So this is Shin? Nice to finally meet you and have a face to go with the name."

Shinpachi blushed.

"Man-stealing home wrecker." Heisuke hissed and Shinpachi stepped on his foot, growling, "Heisuke!"

Evie gave a mild look, "Excessive jealousy isn't good for your relationship. I was simply being polite."

This time Heisuke turned red, although it was probably from anger rather than embarrassment.

"Sano?"

Sano whirled as only a giant bear of a guy could and his mouth fell open. He darted behind Ren and tried to hide, "Gloria?"

"It's Sano!" The woman chirped gladly, ignoring the fact that he was trying to hide and glomping him before he could get away, "How have you been? You never call! I miss you soooooo much!" Sano was struggling to get away from the woman and it sounded like he was saying "bubbles?" What the heck did that mean?

"This is too fucking creepy." Susumu hissed and Tetsu nodded. Shinpachi leaned over and whispered, "That's Sano's ex-girlfriend Gloria. That's why he has issues with the Power Puff Girls."

Tetsu thought back to the last time they watched Cartoon Network and realized Shinpachi was right. Sano had freaked when the power puff girl commercial had come on, screaming something about evil. Actually, looking at Gloria, he was shocked to realize she had blond hair pulled up into two ponytails and that her chubby body resembled the cartoon drawings.

"I don't even want to fucking know." Susumu growled, shaking his head, "Not one little fucking bit."

"I do!"

"Shh!" Shinpachi whispered, glancing over, "I'm not sure about the whole story, but apparently she tried to dress his fish up, which killed them, and then she decorated the apartment with every piece of Bubbles merchandise ever manufactured. Sano just snapped, although I think it was the fish, not the room. She even tracked him down at school to make sure he was wearing the Bubbles underwear she bought him. That's when they broke up."

"Gee, can't imagine why." Susumu snorted sarcastically.

Tetsu looked over warily. They seemed to be getting along now that Ren had convinced Sano to let go of his death-hold. Evie was adding a few words to the conversation and suddenly the three of them were acting like best friends forever or some crap like that. He did back up when he started hearing weird words about things that should be fillets. Next they'd be talking about Sano's monster spider and giving him worse ideas!

Tetsu had a sinking feeling that it was going to be an eventful day, and that he wasn't going to get a new game either.

* * *

So it was agreed, they'd split up and meet up again at 3:00 pm. That gave everyone ample time to hit all the shops.

Somehow Tetsu ended up with a group comprised of Shinpachi, Heisuke, and Steph. The cross-dresser was idly whisking into shops ahead of them, then coming back out before they could even make it there. She didn't seem remotely interested in sticking around, or maybe it was because she kept buying strange things and didn't want them to see?

After browsing and buying a few things, Tetsu decided that maybe he should have gone with Sano, Gloria, and Evie after all. Even if Sano's ex did scare him.

"…Did you see that? They're holding hands." Tetsu heard and turned to look at the whisperer. A group of teenage girls noticed his look and scowled.

"It's so wrong!"

Suddenly Steph appeared again, walked up to the nearest one, and belted her across the face with a shopping bag.

"Backstabbing suits trash like you." She said with a glare. "Go on, if you have something to say, say it loud and proud! What? Nothing? You sure had plenty to say before."

"You…" The assaulted girl sputtered, holding her dishonored face, "You're a girl!"

"Whatever gave you the idea I wasn't?" Steph dared with a malicious look, her piercings glittering.

"Kendra, don't touch them!" One of the leader's minions called out fearfully, "They're probably carrying all sorts of disgusting things like AIDs."

"And you've got mind-rot." Steph snapped back, "Why don't you retreat to your classy, snotty hang outs. This is a mall. You wouldn't want to catch something from the trash, you rich bitches."

Shinpachi started to step forward to stop her, but Heisuke tugged him back, looking amused.

"Heisuke, let go. If I don't stop her we'll get kicked out." He insisted.

"Is that so?" The other senior grinned wickedly, "Then why don't we actually do something that merits being kicked out?"

Before Shinpachi could react Heisuke had pinned him against a map sign and proceeded to show the whole world that holding hands was nothing.

There were some audible gasps from the crowd and a loud thump from someone fainting. Tetsu looked around and noticed there were some not-so-friendly looks from the on-lookers.

He balled up his fists. He promised Tatsu he wouldn't do anything that would get him arrested. He was pretty sure getting in a fistfight in the mall qualified.

The extremely red, not to mention furious, carrot top jerked back and grabbed a fistful of Heisuke shirt. He hissed, "What were you thinking?"

"At the moment I'm thinking you shouldn't have had that pretzel. You taste salty."

Shinpachi ignored his reply and continued, "You just shoved your tongue down my throat."

"So?"

"In public!" Shinpachi spat, his voice steadily getting louder, and made Heisuke look around, "Just where do you think we are?"

"Umm." Heisuke said, blinking.

Shinpachi's voice rose to a scream, drawing even more of a crowd than the kiss did, "Look at the scene you caused!"

Steph, who had backed off the group of girls, grinned, "Atta boy."

"So are you trying to outdo me? I think your crowd is larger." Heisuke said lightly, grimacing in pain as his collar was tightened, "You know, those looks from the old ladies are quite dangerous. They should be banned as illegal weapons."

"You bastard. Do you realize where in the mall we are?"

Heisuke glanced around and his eyes landed on a big black and white classic sign, "The Gap?"

"Yes." Shinpachi said levelly, ignoring the people around him, "So consider the people who shop and work here."

"People who couldn't think themselves out of a wet bag." Steph snorted, running her fingers through her short hair.

"Preppy pricks?" Heisuke said finally.

Shinpachi didn't agree or disagree with the words used, "So what do you think they thought of our little display of public affection?"

Heisuke grinned cheekily, "Wasn't paying attention! Maybe I should do it again, just to see."

Shinpachi turned to the crowd, favoring them with a death glare, before dragging his boyfriend in the direction of the bathroom.

"Going to finish it there then?" The chick named Kendra catcalled, failing to see Steph flick her wrist. A compact smacked off her forehead, silencing the teenager.

Tetsu followed the two, hearing Shinpachi saying, "This isn't Wal-Mart!"

"You're right, no one even pulled out a camera to take pictures."

They finally went around the corner, where there was a sign for the men's room.

Shinpachi reached to push the door in when a little kid came out from the other side. He paused to look at them then growled, "You're those nasty people Mommy was talking about!"

"Yeah, so what?"

The kid lunged forward and kicked him in the shin.

Heisuke winced and said evenly, "You shouldn't run up to people and kick them. They might do something like this!" He drew his foot back and nailed the kid on the foot.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMY!" The child screamed in a mix of pain and outrage, "Mooommmmmmmmmmy! The disgusting man touched me."

Shinpachi threw his head back and groaned, "Heisuke! You can't go around hitting little kids. Now the cops are definitely going to show up! Did you hear that kid? He said you touched him!"

"So? I did. I kicked him." Heisuke smirked, "Kids these days are so ill-mannered."

"Never mind. We need to get out of here for a while. You've got to understand, you can't do things like that in public."

"Why not? It's not like I care what they think." Tetsu was in agreement there.

"Because," Shinpachi sighed, scratching his head, "Because you don't make the rules here. I know you don't like rules that limit your fun, but they're around for a reason. Even if it's some stupid, society-based one."

"Are you mad at me?" Heisuke frowned.

Shinpachi favored him with a toothy grin, "When aren't I? You just love to push my buttons!"

"You just have too many off them! I could push other buttons." Heisuke offered slyly, "Ones that are much more pleasurable than anger."

And Tetsu decided that was his cue to leave… fast.

He nodded to Steph, who was guarding the door, and wandered off. Surely it couldn't be too hard to find someone else. Right? Really, the mall was only made up of a giant theme park and over five hundred shops.

Totally lost and very bored, he started randomly entering shops and browsing. That was proving to not be a very good tactic however. He realized that half way into Victoria Secret. Being a teenage boy surrounded by sexy, revealing, frilly things that were provocative even without the bodies to fill them… well, he'd never run so fast in his life.

It might have worked better to walk out because he slammed into someone, got tangled in a rack full of slinky black lingerie, and screamed bloody murder. Struggling free, he caught sight of the person he bashed into. Staggering up, he tried to apologize, only to find himself talking to pink panties.

And suddenly it was there. The dreaded Tatsu-voice. The voice that he had tried to mute out this whole trip. And he'd succeeded… until now.

"Ummm… hey lady! Miss!" Tetsu called out and the figure seemed to panic. It darted between some sort of… oh god, what WERE those? –They looked like torture devices for woman – And out the door.

Tetsu was quite happy to also make his escape.

He was wondering where to go next, being careful to look at the shop signs this time, when he noticed that the person he'd bumped into was heading into The Body Shop. Not sure what that was, but still under the influence of the nag, Tetsu followed.

The first thing he saw was Jennifer talking to the clerk.

"Suzy, are you sure that the scrub has the same potency as the extract? I mean, I don't like the smell, but it does wonders for the skin."

"Yup, I looked into it myself. The Green tea I ordered for you is imported from China." The clerk nodded confidently.

Jennifer nodded, "Good, I'd hate for my skin to be tainted with all that perfumed crap, and overrated dye."

Suzy smiled, "You should come and work with me; we are looking for people and you'd be great here."

"Don't insult my intelligence." Jennifer laughed just as Susumu came around the corner with a product in each hand. He stopped dead in his tracks, eyes wide.

"I… I was… just shopping for my sister." He sputtered, trying to juggle the two bottles into one hand and behind his back.

Before he could back away Jennifer had darted over and snatched the bottle out of his hands. She scrutinized the labels before handing them back saying, "Your sister isn't a rosehip or peppermint type of person. I see her more as a chamomile or rosemary."

He backed up slightly and did a good imitation of Bob.

"How… I mean, you don't know her!" He accused. Come to think of it, Ayunee did wear rosemary. Or at least that's what Tetsu thought it was.

"You know you should try the apricot scrub; it works well for those pesky black heads and the red splotches on your neck." Jennifer smirked, clearly pleased about something.

Susumu's dark eyes narrowed, "You're a real bitch. Just back off."

"You also might want to use the freshmint lotion; it doesn't smell as flowery as the ones you have there." Jennifer continued, as if she hadn't heard him at all. "So no one can confuse your smell with a woman."

Susumu suddenly went pale.

"Unless you like smelling like a women."

"Uh…" Tetsu said, thinking this might be a good time to see where someone else was… yeah, right now. Just back out silently…

Not fast enough.

Jennifer seemed to have Saito beat in popping up next to people. Except you knew she was coming and couldn't do a damn thing about it.

She looked him over critically, obviously still in that sort of mood and commented, "You have such a cute baby face. You'll need a mango scrub so when you hit puberty so you won't look like this thing here." She pointed to Susumu, who was giving his best glare, "You could even use the rosehip blush to bring out those cheek bones that's plastered somewhere under that baby fat. But then of course it could be a pre-puberty thing too."

"Uh."

"I suggest you use the SPF 45 lip balm, since you have some nasty cracks." Jennifer continued, giving him a wink.

"Umm."

"It's not like he's getting anything from his freak boyfriend." Susumu chipped in.

"You do want to kiss someone," Jennifer didn't even hesitate at Susumu's correction, "Oh boyfriend, then better take the one with 7 moisturizers! It works faster."

Tetsu nodded dumbly.

Jennifer turned to the older teen and said, "You're just jealous he doesn't need as much work as you do…" She paused slightly, maliciously, then added, "Or is it that he's getting something and you're not?"

Tetsu finally regained his wits enough to pay for the balm and asked, "You don't mind me having a boyfriend?"

Jennifer paused to look at him with a perfect raised eyebrow, "Why would I kid? It's your choice to be happy."

Tetsu's mind flashed back to what had happened just a bit earlier with Heisuke and Shinpachi. He bit his lip, "Most people do."

"Not many people are happy in this life, so why make even more people miserable? Look at him," She nodded at Susumu calmly, "He'll be alone and bitter all his life because he can't accept the fact that other people are not like him, or are like him. I haven't figured that one out yet."

"Hey, I'm still here you fanatic." Susumu growled.

"Aww poor baby is jealous that he's no longer the center of attention." Jennifer cooed in amusement before her look turned dark, "Grow up, and come back when you mature a LOT."

Tetsu smirked, pleased. It wasn't often that someone would actually face Susumu down, let alone berate him. Usually he would get in a brief spat with Heisuke or a debate with Okita, but they ended too soon for a winner to be declared.

"See what I mean about being bitter and alone?" Jennifer said with a smile.

Susumu threw the stuff down and stalked out. Jennifer shrugged and followed. Tetsu, not quite sure he actually wanted to be with either of them, followed also. Right into the middle of another potential arrest-scene…

"You stupid piece of shit! Get out of my fucking way. Bastard." Susumu fumed, looking ready to knock the shorter person out.

"Hey, you bumped into me." The short one spat back, sounding oddly familiar.

"The hell I did, you asshole. Do you have shit-for-brains or is that just your coordination?" Susumu snapped back.

"You fiend! That is no way to address a lady in public!" Jennifer suddenly jumped in, "I'm ashamed that your mother didn't teach you manners, and you make your sister look like white trailer park trash with that mouth."

Susumu fell back in surprised and the shorter one sniggered, "You spoilt it. Man, and I thought I was going to have a good story to tell Ren later. Oh well. It's almost time to meet up at the food court anyway. How about some last minute shopping? Without the guys. Hey Puppy, Heisuke and Shin still haven't come out of the bathroom. I'm guessing that's why you were so fired up to get out of there? Ren said you were a smart boy."

"Thanks for the information." Susumu snipped, nursing his injured pride, "I'll see you guys at the food court."

"Uh-huh." The two girls said already walking off.

And he was alone again. Not that he particularly minded this time. His friends were usually more than enough insanity, but suddenly adding Ren's girlfriend, two random chicks, and Sano's ex-girlfriend it was suddenly feeling a little too… girly. Well, then there was Susumu too. Whatever his deal was.

"Ichimura."

Tetsu whirled in surprise.

"You know that child?" A female voice asked. He looked up to see a rather beautiful, or at least in his limited scope, young woman.

"Yes. He is a freshman at the school I attend. However, it surprises me greatly to see him here." Saito replied monotone, not looking remotely surprised.

Tetsu stared.

He had never seen Saito look so… classy.

Of course, the man was still in black, that was a given. However, it was a nice pair of black slacks complimented by a knit black turtleneck sweater and his customary beads. His hair was pulled back neatly, a contrast to the usual style. All in all he looked… presentable.

"Not much for manners, is he?" The woman sniffed lightly.

"Perhaps he is shy." Saito suggested, then he added in the same unhurried way, "The school boasts an all-male population. He may be nervous around females."

She looked unimpressed by his logic.

"Ah… er… I was just surprised to see Saito here." Tetsu tried to explain. He wasn't nervous around women! Even though he was starting to get the feeling that he should be.

"Well?" The woman snapped at him expectantly. "Your name boy, your name!"

"Tet…Tetsu…nosuke."

"Hmm, Saito how could you? He cannot even introduce himself properly!"

"Tetsu is a good boy." Saito replied monotonously. He didn't seem intimidated in the slightest by the woman's bossy demeanor. Tetsu wished he could say the same.

She tapped her lip with an immaculately done fingernail. It was bright red with some kind of pink petals across it and white stripes? Anyway, it looked expensive.

"Well, Tetsunosuke," she paused, "My name is Tokio Tanagi."

It took a few moments for Tetsu to dreg up information from Christmas time, but when he did, his mouth dropped in shock.

"You're… you're Saito's… I mean… you're his wife!"

Saito nodded slightly.

"Oh, have you been gossiping about me to random students?" Tokio said sweetly at Saito.

"I have not." Saito said without blinking, "I merely made a statement when required. Tetsu has a very good memory. That was over Christmas holiday."

"Ooo, you mean when you were trapped in a cabin with all those nasty boys?" Tetsu wasn't going to tell her that most of those "nasty boys" were here in the mall, wandering at large.

"I was in a cabin, yes."

Out of all the woman he'd met today, Tokio seemed the scariest.

"Well, I do hope we do not have the misfortune of running into them in the future." She grimaced, flipping her long, black hair back over her shoulder. "However, you friend Souji was quite lovely. Why can't you have more friends like him?"

Tetsu wondered when in the world Tokio had met Okita and why the purple haired senior hadn't come to Saito's defense when he was being teased. Then again, Saito probably wouldn't have liked being defended or backed up. He seemed to enjoying being alone and doing things alone.

"Hey, Puppy!" Sano boomed, waving. Evie and Gloria were trailing behind looking engrossed in some sort of video game. "Where's Shinpachi and Heisuke?"

"In the bathroom last I saw." Tetsu muttered, but didn't shout it out loud. He glanced out of the corner of his eye at Saito's wife. Her lips were pinched at the edges, but she didn't look too putout… yet. He'd give it about five minutes around Sano. She seemed like the type who didn't care for noise or good-natured rough housing. Both of which Sano had in the bizillions.

"Oh." Even Sano knew what that meant, "Hey, so where's everyone else?" He paused, "Why's Saito here?"

"Another friend?" Tokio asked with an arched brow, "How… unexpected."

Saito nodded, "Harada is another student at the school."

Tokio's manicured fingers twitched slightly as Sano gave her a hearty greeting then turned back to the video game, yelling something about kill it. They twitched even more as the two girls completely ignored her.

"Umm… Shinpachi and Heisuke are here too… but Okita didn't come this time… why are you two here?" Tetsu babbled, trying to fill the tense silence.

Tokio sighed and dug in her purse with perfect fingers. She pulled out a crisp five dollar bill and pressed it into Tetsu's sweaty palm, "Here, go buy yourself an ice cream, Tetsunosuke."

Tetsu gave her an uncertain look and managed, "No thank you; I already ate…"

Tokio leaned over and whispered sharply in his ear, "A twenty will buy your silence then?" She put another bill in Tetsu's pocket and pretended to pat him on the head, "Of course you have enough room for ice cream, do you not?" He nodded and pretended to go get some ice cream. Instead, he hid around the corner to see if she bribed off everyone else too. He just needed ten more for that game!

"Kill! Kill 'em kill! No, go that way!" Sano bellowed, having gotten ahold of the game and started swinging in the direction he wanted the character to go. He jerked to the left and Tokio neatly sidestepped to avoid being elbowed in the chest. She gave a small twitch, "Do you not have any well-bred friends, Saito?"

Saito just gave a slight shrug as if he wouldn't know.

Suddenly, something clicked in Tetsu's mind. It was something that had been nagging him incessantly since he met the scary woman.

"Dragon." He whispered loudly. This was the lady that the Demon had been complaining about. Saito's wife! Haha, she beat him down too. Tetsu wasn't sure if he should be in awe or pee his pants in fear. He decided a healthy mix of terror and respect should do the trick. And it was less embarrassing than a wet spot.

Sano jerked again, this time much faster. He could move pretty fast for a big guy. And this time Tokio didn't have time to react. The large senior easily barreled into her and knocked her off her feet.

Saito, in all his dark glory, managed to somehow catch her like a perfect gentlemen and steadily put her back on her huge heels. She pursed her lips and brushed his hand off her waist. Straightening, she announced, "Apologize."

Tetsu almost choked with laughter. Like Sano even know what that was! He was like a giant puppy who didn't know his own strength. And he was just as likely to lick her face in sorry as a whipped dog was.

Sano looked unimpressed and completely unapologetic, "You should watch where you're walking." He explained pragmatically with a nod, "Plus, if you ate more then you wouldn't be so tiny. I have trouble seeing tiny people when they get under my feet."

Saito placed his hand back on Tokio's shoulder. She allowed him with a sniff and remarked, "I was not going to strike him; crude violence is beneath me." Then she dropped her voice and murmured vindictively, "Which does not exclude my thoughts of castrating him like an unmannered dog."

Tetsu was glad he was hidden.

"Hey," Shinpachi and Heisuke wandered up. Shinpachi looked curiously at Saito, "Who's the beautiful lady?"

Tokio eyed them.

Heisuke snorted, "So not my type."

Tokio seemed undaunted, and somewhat resigned, to the appearance of more people.

Saito seemed to be slightly uncomfortable, or as much as he ever seemed to be, but none-the-less, he gave introductions in a mild voice, "This is Tokio Tangai, my wife. Tokio, this is Shinpachi Nagakura and Heisuke Toudou."

Tokio's dubious look turned darker as she noticed Ren, Steph, and Jennifer coming from the opposite direction. For a few moments Tetsu thought that it was pretty cool that they we're all showing up at the same time in the same place… until he realized that they must have set a meeting place when he wasn't paying attention.

"Are those also students?"

Saito gave the newcomers a level look, "No, I do not know the two women, however, that is Ren, Shinpachi's cousin. He was also at the cabin."

Ren gave a short bow, "I'm sorry; are we ruining your outing Saito?"

"No, it is not ruined, merely diverted."

"To put it mildly." Tokio added.

Steph gave her an equally scornful look, "Well then, get along. Wouldn't want to catch something from us curs, now would you?"

Susumu appeared to add his usual cheer, "God, it's like a fucking freak show here." He sighed and leaned against the wall, clearly not wanting to be affiliated with the said 'freak show' in any way.

"I believe you mean to say that these people belong in a slightly lower class area." Tokio corrected and Susumu snorted with laughter, "Yeah, an insane asylum. Their parents should have been stopped from procreating."

"…That'd be Okita's parents…" Heisuke muttered darkly.

Tokio gave him a cutting look and her voice dripped with scorn, "So you're that one. I informed Mitsu that playing with trash like you was a filthy habit. She really should take good advice when it is given."

"As long as that psycho bitch stays the hell away from me, the world is a good place." Heisuke stated bluntly, staring at her, daring her to contradict him. She merely gave an amused smirk, "Then she grew tired of her broken toy?"

"Heh, broken." Heisuke grinned, "You know you want to see, don't you? Too bad for you I'm not remotely interested in what you have."

"How crude. And I have far more than you could ever dream of: money, breeding, looks, and refinement."

"Inbreeding."

"In any case, I do not have mall security searching for me. How uncouth."

"Enough," Shinpachi hissed grabbing Heisuke by the arm, "She's a lady; how can you be picking a fight with her? And she's Saito's wife!"

"I think he thinks he finally found someone he can win against." Susumu smirked evilly, "After all, he repeatedly gets bottom on every other argument." Shinpachi turned bright red and Heisuke glared, "I always win, and I always get what I want." Heisuke gave Shinpachi a kiss on the forehead and gave a look of triumph at the pissed Susumu.

"Gloating as well as displays of public affection. Revolting." Tokio cradled her forehead in her palm and muttered, "I need a latte… before their behavior makes me cross." She glanced at Susumu, "Come. I will buy you one as well. You seem to also need to escape the idiocy around you."

Susumu blinked and looked around like she meant someone else and Heisuke sniggered, "Buying friends, how base." Shinpachi just sighed, giving up. Heisuke added under his breath in mock sympathy, "The poor boy's a molester magnet or something. Oh well, our gain, less whine."

Tetsu crept out once he was sure Tokio and Susumu had gone to the Starbucks across the food court.

"What were you thinking, messing with her like that?"

Heisuke shrugged, "But no one ever fights with me like that. It was mostly in good fun."

"It's all fun and games until she brings Mitsu to visit, just to spite you. And then we'll all suffer."

Heisuke's mouth dropped, "She wouldn't!"

"I think she would." Tetsu opined.

"Try her. Does she look like she cares about your pathetic little feelings?"

Suddenly Sano made a big boom and the three of them jumped.

"Wow, he beat the game already." Evie commented, glancing around Sano, looking impressed.

"Sure, that takes some real talent. At least he doesn't know there's a petstore around here…"

"What? Where." Sano tossed the game to Gloria.

"I thought you were playing your game!"

"I was, until I heard you say the p-word."

"As if we don't have enough animals running around as it is." Heisuke commented.

Tetsu really missed Okita, even if he could be scarier than all the girls mushed into one big monster. At least he wouldn't make Tetsu want to curl up in a little ball and cry. Or at least not cry from the crushing, hopeless feeling the girls inspired. Pain he had learned to deal with but this was something else entirely, and he just wanted to buy his video game and play his spring break away. Was that too much to ask?

* * *

Tetsu frantically pushed buttons, cursing every videogame maker he could think of. It was a rather short list, so he just repeated it. A lot. And with much venom.

"So, that's it? Sounds like fun." Okita was bouncing lightly on Tetsu's bed, rocking the smaller freshman back and forth, "I wish I had come. Too bad you guys came home early, huh. And you should've said hi to Tokio for me!"

"I'll just be happy if I never see her again." Heisuke replied, "She consorts with that thing you call a sister. By choice!"

Shinpachi added, "Besides, we had to leave. We got kicked out of the restaurant. We ended up going to Home Town Buffet because no one could decide on what to eat. That was fine until Susumu and Tetsu started a food fight with the soft serve."

"Don't blame it on me. If the little brat hadn't made that comment…" Susumu swore.

"Not only that but, Ren and Steph had to drive home; they have class tomorrow too. The party broke up at the mall and it wound down from there."

"And no one got smashed." Heisuke replied mournfully, "What kind of spring break is that?"

"You had more than enough entertainment sober." Suzu snapped, giving a look over the top of his book. What kind of loser studied all spring break? "Just do not give invitations to those people to visit. There is enough chaos around here as it is."

"Too late…" Shinpachi groaned, "At least on one account. Sano and Gloria got back together… well, sort of. I'm not sure exactly how that worked out, but you'll probably get to meet her eventually."

"Nice!" Okita chirped.

Tetsu, personally, didn't care. He got his game and he had no comments. Unless Tokio came back… but that could be fun if she argued with the Demon. Demon vs. Dragon! Live action fight scene. Rock on.

Tetsu's fingers paused.

Oh. Shit. Er, Crap.

"I forgot my chemistry paper!" He howled, startling the rest of the room. Taking a calming breath, he continued, "Oh well, spring break's not over for two more hours."

A/N: I don't really like how this chapter turned out, but hopefully someone will get a kick out of it; after all, it does have a few good parts.

Beta's comments: LOL You remembered all of Jennifer's little lines **impressed** I was looking through FF and going can't I read something that's fucking good… then I remembered that I had to edit this. This is what I needed/wanted to read. Good job.


	22. Chapter Fifteen

April 11th- Midnight 

Suzu sat on the couch in the lounge. It wasn't his normal choice place, but considering that his roomie had decided to snore so loudly he couldn't concentrate, he had to come out. The black cat was curled comfortably on his chest and a pillow was propped behind him.

And the Death Stone had just darkened meaning the protagonist would die within an hour…

"Boom baby!"

"No, we're not watching that stupid llama movie again!"

"But it's not like there's anything better! I dare you, find something better."

"Fine. Give me a sec. Someone around here has to have some taste!"

"Excuse me." Suzu hissed and the cat looked up with narrowed eyes at the intruders.

Heisuke looked up briefly and then grinned, "Hey Kitty-cats, what's up? Shouldn't you be in bed?"

"I could ask you the same thing. What in the name of all things holy are you people doing at this hour?" Suzu growled, marking his page. His cat hissed and bolted for the door. He rubbed his clawed chest gingerly and decided to get Heisuke back for that. And he was so comfortable too! Did they have to ruin everything good in his life?

"Ah, let's see what's on here!" Shinpachi said, and there was a hollow thump as he conked his head on the low cabinet shelf, "Dammit."

Suzu, started to roll off the couch, snoring couldn't possibly be worse than this, but stopped when he noticed their attire…

"What are you wearing?"

Of course, this was directed at Heisuke, but Shinpachi flushed and scratched his nose uncomfortably.

"I didn't pick them out or anything… and my other stuff is dirty. It's not like I had much of a choice and they were a Christmas gift." Suzu raised an eyebrow at the positively dirty look given in Heisuke's general direction. Suzu had heard… stories… about Christmas. He wasn't going to ask.

"But you look so cute! And I had to go to like ten different stores to find them." Heisuke pouted. Oh dear Lord, Suzu hoped they weren't going to snuggle… or whatever. Knowing Heisuke it could be worse.

Shinpachi didn't look convinced. He peered down at his baggy blue PJs and made a face. Suzu wisely decided not to comment on how disturbing it was to see a bunch of raccoon twirling around in pink tutus. Some things just weren't worth it.

"I was actually referring to you outfit." Suzu said, point to Heisuke. If his eyes hadn't suffered enough already, this was surely an acid wash.

"What outfit?" Shinpachi said, glancing over at his nearly-nude companion. "He doesn't wear "jammies." Says it doesn't get enough air or something like that."

"Hmm?"

"Nothing. Suzu's worried about your lack of clothing."

"Oh." Heisuke said, blinking, "I forgot."

Suzu waved a hand, feeling slightly confused and very annoyed. It wasn't as if he hadn't seen a naked man before. So why…?

"Steroids." Shinpachi shrugged, "Don't worry; you get used to it. Or, Sano and I did."

"W-what!" Suzu sputtered his shock and fell of the couch onto the hard floor. He hissed in pain and shock. "I did not--."

"You didn't have to. We both know what you were thinking about." The demon-raccoon sniggered and Suzu flamed up. The Trio was so dead. And he was including Sano just because he knew the big oaf would run in and mess something, anything up. Given enough time that is.

"I assure you…"

"Now, now, you don't need to fight over me." Suzu backed up until he hit the couch. That smirk was just so unnerving. "I'm big enough to share."

"Heisuke, quit being a pervert and put in the tape." Shinpachi ordered, tossing the VHS in the other boy's direction. Heisuke made a lunge and ended up eating carpet.

"Shinpaaaaaaaaaaattsaaaaaaaaaaaaan! You did that on purpose." Heisuke whined, rubbing his now carpet burned skin.

Shinpachi rolled his eyes and helped his friend up, "Serves you right."

Suzu, realizing that there was no escape from this, decided to reclaim his couch. Maybe once they put in the tape they would shut up and he could read. Besides, he had an interesting feeling that this would be blackmail material before the night was done.

Heisuke and Shinpachi settled across the way on another, larger couch, in a familiar tangle of limbs and body parts. Shinpachi had the remote and didn't look like he planned to relinquish control any time soon.

"…That music is god-awful." Heisuke said, trying to get more comfortable. Suzu kept a wary eye on him. Even if he wasn't the current object of molestation, he didn't particularly want to SEE it either. "What is that Shinpattsan?"

"Umm," The red hair replied, trying to spit Heisuke's hair out of his mouth, "Retro."

"You mean the 80s!" Heisuke yelped in disgust and Suzu had to agree with him. There was nothing good about the 80s. Bush Sr., oil shortages, disco… or the end of disco, and not a decade too soon. Still, the setting was oddly familiar and it didn't seem right for the context of flashing disco balls and the other… things. Suzu decided he didn't care. "Where's the disco—wow, those are some big balls. Kind of makes you jealous…"

"Would you stop looking there." The short senior yelped, covering his hormone-driven boyfriend's eyes, "Those are some tight leather pants."

"And an eyesore." Suzu added with hooded eyes. After that dose of acid, they'd surely give out. Perhaps he'd better make an eye appointment while his health insurance would still cover it. "No one wears black leather bell bottoms."

"Apparently he does." Shinpachi replied with morbid fascination and disgust. Heisuke pulled his hands off and oogled.

"Turn around for me!" Heisuke wolf whistled, "I bet he's got a delicious ass!"

"And no fashion sense." Shinpachi commented dryly. "Can you call that a shirt?"

"Do you want to call it a shirt. I call it finely-toned muscle. Mmm, and a tan!"

"What's up with the hair though?"

"Sexy." Heisuke uttered, drawn to the screen, "This is better than porn."

"He's doing a disco dance!" Shinpachi yelled, "What's a big turn-on with that? Those people should have died of drug over dosage and saved us all the crackbabies."

"You seem flustered." Suzu observed, starting to consider going to Saito's room to sleep. At least then he knew it would quiet. It was always quiet around the dark senior.

"No! I'm not." Shinpachi retorted and shook his head for emphasis. "He's just being an ass." Pinch.

"Hey, I recognize that song! Isn't it "Stayin' Alive?" I think it is. Oh man, how low can you go? I can't decide whether to be nauseous or embarrassed for the poor sap in the platforms."

"Who cares? He's hot… hey, who's the chick! Hey, get out of the way you! I can't see past you."

Suzu was starting to get this nagging feeling he knew the male dancer from somewhere…

"You know, that guy kind of looks like Yoshida. Well, except younger. A lot younger." Shinpachi said kicking Heisuke off the couch because he wouldn't stop ranting at the dancer's female partner.

"He is not that old." Suzu defended starchy. Certainly not as old as Hijikata or Kondou anyway.

"Stupid woman, move!" Heisuke was now up in the tv's "face" and screaming at the top of his lungs. He turned pleading toward Shinpachi, "Why's she taking up the screen? Is she hot? Do you think she's hot?"

"Heisuke," Shinpachi growled, "Settle down."

"You do! You think she's hot!" Heisuke accused, pulling himself into a spiteful little ball. How utterly childish and pitiful. If Suzu actually thought he could feel pity.

Shinpachi rolled off the couch with a lazy, uncaring thump and crawled over to punch the brunette in the shoulder. "Okay, yes, she's correctly proportioned. Happy."

"How could you! And with me right here!" Heisuke lashed out. "All you guys think about is a nice rack and ass."

"All the straight guys think about the "rack", as you termed it. Gay men think about the "ass." Shinpachi probably considers both." Suzu clarified and earned two dirty looks. What? Was this the thanks he got for explaining it. So what if the guy was bi?

"Hey, what are you guys doing."

Oh wonderful. They would have to be loud enough to wake the resident busybody now wouldn't they?

Shinpachi looked up from where he'd pinned Heisuke on the floor and jerked his head towards the screen that was now cranking out "The Electric Slide."

Suzu watched in amusement as Okita's smile crumpled instantly then jerked back up out of protective reflex.

"Ah! How horrible. Why are you watching that?" Okita chirped, barely entering the room. He looked ready for a quick escape.

Heisuke shoved the tutu covered boy off and grinned, "She finally moved! Now let's see some ass."

Okita's mouth dropped open, snapped shut, and pinched into a straight line of horror. Suzu tried to pay closer attention. These were warning signs.

"Umm, he is rather nice looking, isn't he?" Okita ventured cautiously.

"Oh hell yeah."

"Reminds you of someone you know, huh?"

"Something like that. So does the chick, but who cares?" Heisuke replied inching closer to the screen. "I know this will be over waaaaaaaaaaay too soon. Way better than Disney!"

Something clicked in Suzu's brain. It clicked and he dove for cover out of sight. He had to get out of the room.

"Okay, I was just up for a midnight snack!" Okita offered, "See you boys later, right?"

"Popcorn!" Sano shouted, completely blocking the only exit to the student lounge, "It's buttery too… oh shit! What's that! He looks like a retard."

There was silence as they all proceeded Sano's usual crass, thoughtless remark.

In that brief silence all that could be heard was this curious, dull echoing sound.

Okita's sincere, violet eyes widened and he tried to shove past Sano.

Too late.

"Soooooooooooooouuujiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"

In a completely uncharacteristic move Okita shouted 'I didn't do it!' and slid between Sano's legs. He bolted out of sight in less than half a second.

"What was all of that about?" Shinpachi wondered out loud and Suzu shoved himself deeper in the shadow.

"Dunno, damned if I know. That guy's a little weird anyway. Got a few screws knocked around somewhere." Sano offered, throwing himself down on a chair. The piece of furniture groaned at the abuse, but Sano ignored it and threw in a handful of yellow popcorn into that hole he called a mouth. "Hey, should he be doing that?"

"Who? Heisuke with his face pressed up against the glass or our dashing male dancer?" Shinpachi snapped sarcastically.

"Umm, I was thinking that dude in those cool pants."

"The pothead."

"He's not!" Heisuke defended, but since his cheek was pressed against the glass it came out slightly muffled. "Now if only he'd ditch the blonde bimbo."

There was some loud metal clanging out in the hall and some rather potent swearing. The trio paid no attention.

"I wonder what Okita did this time." Shinpachi remarked scratching the side of his nose thoughtfully and turning up the volume, "It's awfully late. He usually doesn't pull pranks after dinner."

"Who cares?" Sano shrugged, spilling popcorn all over. He sprawled out some more and yawned, "S'not our problemo."

"Nope."

Suzu begged to differ.

"…Get a load of the bozo now."

Yes, there was going to be some serious problems for the trio in 3… 2… 1…

"What are you three doing out of your dorms?" A malicious voice snarled from the doorway. Sano jumped and popcorn showered the room. Heisuke jerked back from the screen in absolute horror and scrambled back towards his friends, seeking something. Hopefully not safety.

"Uh, er, Dem- Hijikata!" Heisuke yelped, grabbing a pillow to lend some cover. "We couldn't sleep!"

"Yeah, not a wink." Shinpachi seconded with wide eyes. "We were just watching a late night movie. No harm done, right? So we'll just turn everything off and go back to bed if that's okay with—."

"Wahoo! Did you see that?" Sano bellowed, still half watching the screen, "That was fuckin' awesome!"

Hijikata spastically twitched and his eyes started glowing. If he wasn't angry before…

"Shut up Sano!" Shinpachi screamed and punched the bigger boy in the arm with his fist.

"You three…" Hijikata shook with rage, "Are going to die!"

"Moommy!"

"Shit, move you guys!" Heisuke encouraged, shoving his two companions who were clinging to each other piteously, and diving to the side just in time to miss a fantastic chop that would have done some serious bodily harm.

There was a heavy crack as the unfortunate couch took the brunt of the blow. It creaked ominously, but by the time it fell in two pieces the three boys had already bolted out the door.

Suzu waited until the screams of terror faded down the hall. He could still heard Hijikata's heavy footfalls, but they were so faint now. Yes, it was safe to come out. And for once he was grateful for Okita's nosiness. Imagine if he hadn't popped in… Suzu shuttered. He would be joining those poor fools, running for his life.

There was a soft noise and Suzu jerked his head up. Relaxing slightly, he picked up the small, rather annoyed, black cat and petted her on the head. She continued to stare out the door and her ears rotated around. Suzu could only assume she was tracking the hunt with her ears. There should be a death scream and a victorious hunter soon. Suzu had never SEEN Hijikata, or any adult for that, move so fast. The trio didn't stand a chance.

"Oh, so you're still here." Okita said cheerfully as he slipped into the room. If Suzu had found Shinpachi's pjs disturbing, Okita's were out in orbit. Okita followed his line of sight and laughed, "I couldn't resist! They were just so… tempting."

"I expected ice cream sundaes, not sexual positions." Suzu said without blinking. These people just kept getting more and more psychotic the longer he knew them.

"I told you! They begged me to buy them!" Okita laughed.

Suzu gave him a flat look. That was far too much information. "Has Tetsu seen them?"

"Hehe, no. He usually gets an entirely different view."

Again, that was far too much information! Did everyone have to flaunt their crooked sexuality?

"Whatever." He shrugged and added, "It was your money and he's your boyfriend. Just remember statuary rape laws."

"Umm-hmm." Okita agreed while bent over and retrieving the trice-damned tape from the old VCR. He held it up with a pleasant smile, hiding the glee sparkling in his eyes. "I forgot I hid this in all the other tapes a couple months ago. Of course, if you people weren't shouting so loud, neither of us would have even come over here."

"I was reading my book quietly." Suzu retorted indignantly, holding up the abused book as evidence.

"Of all the nights for Hijikata to be acting as the adult-supervision. But I guess even live-ins get sick." Okita shrugged, "Oops! Sounds like someone's coming back."

The two hid to see Heisuke reenter the room. He urgently pushed the eject button then jabbed it a few times more.

"Shit." He cursed quietly, "There goes any damage control. I bet that no-good Kitty stole it. Him and Okita knew what we were watching and they didn't say a damn thing! I mean, look how fast they cut out on us." There was a long pause. "And I said Hijikata had a nice ass! Sick! That'll haunt me for the rest of my life."

Suzu sure hoped it did. He knew it would haunt him.

"Oh well. I hope Sano got away." Heisuke yawned. Somewhere he had managed to find a long tee shirt that went just past his hips. At least he hadn't been streaking down the school hallways at midnight. The student populace was under enough pressure as it was right before exams. Then again, the disappointed fanclub could always get that eyeful they had wet dreams about.

"Ooo, you're thinking something spiteful." Okita said, crawling out from where he had crouched behind the now useless couch.

Suzu lifted an eyebrow and dusted himself off.

"You get this look on your face."

Suzu really didn't care if he got a look on his face. It was this wretched place that had twisted and warped him in the first place. If he didn't have Yoshida around he probably would have snapped and started writing cute (or maybe cult) poems on the wall of the bathroom by now.

"So?"

"Just an observation." The purple haired boy shrugged good-naturedly.

"You sure make a lot of those."

The senior gave him a deliberately ambiguous smirk, "You're making a lot out of nothing."

"And you're a warped human." Suzu replied crankily. He picked up his book and settled back down on the couch. He very much doubted that the trio would be back there anytime that night.

"Good night!" Okita chirped, clutching the forbidden tape to his chest. Suzu could only hope the mischievous senior decided to do something appropriate for once and burn it. No one should ever be subject to that.

"I suggest you destroy that tape." Suzu said stiffly, not bothering to look up from his book. Kagami jumped up from nowhere and settled primly on his chest with her green eyes half-closed. "One last question."

"What?"

"That tape…?"

"Oh," Okita giggled, "That was Hijikata's senior prom. Their theme was disco. He and Akesato were King and Queen actually. That was a fun night! Of course, I had to sneak in to see it, and no one particularly wanted to lend me their video recorder. They were a bit more pricey back then. Anyway, if you guys had watched it a bit longer you would have seen something very interesting!"

Slightly curious, Suzu raised an eyebrow in askance.

Okita shrugged, turned the TV back on, and popped in the tape. He fast-forwarded until there was a blur from the corner of the screen. With a decisive punch to the play button, Okita rocked back on his heels to watch the screen.

Suzu leaned forward carefully and stared.

"Is that…"

"Yes."

"And he just…"

"Yes."

"Hijikata should press charges."

"Hmm, he opted to maintain his dignity and Akesato bitch-slapped Itou instead." Okita clarified, "I didn't get that on tape though. Plus, I think she might have killed me if I did. She was a bit of a wild-child and I think that's why Hijikata liked her."

"Or he was trying to dispel the rumor he was gay."

"How'd you ever guess?"

Suzu stared, "If you had some perverted stalker who stuck his hand down your tight, tight bellbottoms in front of the whole senior and junior school population I believe you would use every girl possible to maintain a reputation."

"I like my stalker." Okita replied, "And is being a two-timing bastard lady killer better?"

"In this society it is." Suzu replied, "I hope you never find out first hand how nasty people can be to those who are different from the social standard."

"You sound as if you know."

"I do."

"But…"

"Yoshida took me out of that situation. I appreciate it if you did not pry." The white haired teen said stiffly, ruffling the paperback's pages in agitation.

"Only if you promise to go to bed like a good little boy. Imagine what Tetsu would do if he woke up alone in his room in the middle of the night."

Actually feeling kind of tired and worn, Suzu yawned and nodded wryly. It didn't help that they were on the downhill slide for the year. He was pleased with his 5.0 average even though honor courses were tearing him down and expected the exams to be extremely hard. A bit of sleep wouldn't hurt.

"I am quite sure you could find a pleasant remedy for that."

Okita laughed as he started walking out the door, "Hopefully one that has nothing to do with my night clothing?"

Suzu shuddered. Every time he thought he was getting through to one of them they had to say something to ruin it.

"Come on Kagami, let us go to bed. Who knows what terrors they will cook up tomorrow. If I were the type to pray, I would."

"Mew."

A/N: Due to some conflicts, I've had to shuffle the chapter order; however, you can expect two more chapter in April, two more in May, and then an epilogue. Hope y'all enjoy this chapter, because what kind of PMK fic would be complete without a reference to the infamous poetry theft -


	23. Chapter Fifteen: Part Two

April 11th Day

"Hey Suzu."

"What?"

"Where were you last night?"

"Having an orgy with the trio." The teen replied, never even looking up from his book.

Tetsu walked over and snatched it from his hands. He shoved his face so that in was just a few inches from. His gullible eyes were wide with shock, "Really?"

"Of course not. You were snoring too loudly so I relocated."

Tetsu backed off to consider that, taking the book with him.

"Give me back my book."

"Please give it back to me Tetsu?" The other freshman teased, dangling the paper back between two fingers. He squinted at the text and made a face. "Why are you reading about Death?"

"You will be meeting Him if you do not return my book."

"Touchy. Hey, you know that today's Shinpachi's b-day? I wonder what Heisuke has planned."

Suzu almost beamed himself on the headboard of his bed. After all the commotion just a few hours prior, he had completely forgotten. This wasn't going to be good.

"I am sure we will be either dragged into his scheme or left to watch on the sidelines." Suzu remarked, pretending disinterest. He hoped that it would be the latter. Maybe he should invest in a video camera. Liberating one from the school shouldn't present too much of a problem with Yoshida to back him up.

"I wonder what kind of present Heisuke got him because when you're the boyfriend you have to give something extra special." Tetsu rambled.

"I believe that Shinpachi would appreciate the simpler things in life. Like not being groped in public for once or a lack of crude sexual references in Heisuke's speech."

Tetsu made a face, "Boring!"

"I imagine that being a sexual object everyday, every week, every month would be extremely tiresome."

"I have no idea what you just said. C'mon, let's go find him and ask!" Tetsu grinned latching onto Suzu and dragging him out the door enthusiastically.

Suzu started to argue, but when the heavy Calculus book smashed his toes on the way out he couldn't help but give the hapless instrument of torture a heartfelt kick. He did need a break from studying. Of course, that was why he was quietly minding his own business and reading a novel, but with Tetsu that wasn't an option.

Really, did he have to be moving every second? Unfortunately, it wasn't drugs. The boy didn't even seem to know what those were, which meant it was entirely natural. Disgusting.

They found the trio hanging out on the basketball court. Sano did a long shot and whooped as it bounced off the rim. He was also disgustingly energetic. You were only supposed to be happy when you made it in. Or in Suzu's case, satisfied to have a job done properly. He didn't see much point in sports.

"Oh, more volunteers!" Heisuke grinned and Suzu distrusted it. He disliked the word volunteer in general. Volunteer meant two things: no pay and a job no one wanted.

He drew Tetsu in close, "Today is the day we strike for the freedom of school citizens everywhere!"

"But I thought today was Shinpachi's bi—mmpph!"

"Of course you'll get a big part Puppy." Heisuke reassured without removing his hand from the freshman's big mouth. "Okita has taken Hijikata out for the day, and I'm going to distract Sannan for a few hours. But you'll have to help Shinpattsan and Sano raid their offices while we're gone. Kitty will help of course, won't you Kitty? And Saito volunteered to guard!"

"Fantastic. You forgot something."

"Mmm, did I Kitty?" Heisuke said, holding Kagami in his hand by the scruff. The black cat was hanging limply, looking supremely pissed. And that's what she'd probably do in the trio's room, probably Heisuke's bed or clothing, when she got loose. "Nope. You'll help us because you're attached to this beastly thing." Only then did Suzu notice the angry, red scratching that criss-crossed the senior's skin on his arms.

"Fine. What do you wish me to do?" Suzu said, allowing himself to be dragged in. He'd regret it later, and he needed that video camera now. "Put her down. You should never hold adult animals by their scruff. It makes it extremely difficult for them to breath and puts pressure on their lower back."

Heisuke released his grip, sending the poor cat crashing to the ground. She landed gracefully, took a swipe at the boy's legs, and bolted towards the nearest open window. She probably wouldn't return to his dorm any time soon, fearing that she would be snatched up again.

Suzu sighed. That meant she would stay with the pig… and come back smelling like the hoofed mammal. There were better smelling things. He didn't know how Okita stood for it. Cats were so much cleaner and quieter.

"Oww, shit!" Heisuke cursed and landed on his rump to inspect the beads of blood on his ankles. "I better not need shots."

"Not for what you are referring to at least." Suzu replied. He leaned against a sturdy sapling, waiting.

As Heisuke sketched out the plan, Suzu had to admit that it was sound and would probably work. Amazing. What he didn't understand was Shinpachi's role. Kondou didn't need to be distracted. That man was the role model for oblivious.

Heisuke waiting until Shinpachi was out of hearing before winking at the rest of them.

"You bastard! Don't you know it's Shinpachi's birthday! What kind of shithead boyfriend are you?" Tetsu exploded.

"Calm down." Heisuke pleaded. He shot a look at Shinpachi's back as it disappeared around the corner, "It's hard enough to surprise the little 'coon without you tipping him off!"

Tetsu paused mid-rant. "What?"

"Stupid." Suzu hissed, "This is a diversion."

"A deviation?"

"A distraction Puppy." Heisuke clarified, "And a damn good one. I hope it works."

"You are convincingly nonchalant about missing a very important date." Suzu remarked helpfully.

"Gee, thanks! What a compliment."

"I think it denotes practice."

"Shut up Kitty!"

Suzu smirked. Apparently Heisuke was too distracted to play today. That just made for easy pickings. Especially since they had one last tutoring session together before the final.

"Sano, did you get them?"

"Yup, right here."

"Thanks buddy! Having a friend over 21 is great! You get to have all the fun. Drinking, smoking, gambling."

Heisuke gathered up the handful of scratch cards and shuffled them around like a deck of oversized cards.

"I wish Saito would hurry up."

"Feeling slightly nervous about being discovered?" Suzu remarked, now very curious why there was such an intricate ruse.

"Hell yeah. Shinpattsan HATES surprises. Do you remember last year Sano? He almost broke my jaw!"

"You probably jumped him."

Heisuke rubbed the left side of his jaw in sympathetic memory and defended, "You're supposed to jump out and shout surprise."

"Indeed. I believe that would be part of the tradition." Saito agreed in a mellow tone, scaring the daylights out of everyone present. Suzu really, really resented that.

"Wow, you showed! Okay, here's the cards, now do your thing."

"Toudou, please do not make me out to be a mere wealth detector." Saito replied carefully tracing each scratch point. His long fingers paused here and there before he picked up one of the last ones in the line. "This one seems to be positive in energy."

"Thanks a ton!" Heisuke said with a winning smile. When he went to hug the dark senior a hand went up between them, "Please respect my space Toudou. It was a pleasure to aid you in your endeavor."

"Let me treat you to some soba!"

"No need, but thank you. Consider it my present."

Heisuke gleefully pranced off to implement whatever was going on next in his twisted little plan while Sano sidled up to Saito.

"Why don't you tell me the next luckiest?"

"No."

"C'mon, you did it for Heisuke."

"His inquiry was for a noble purpose."

"And mine's not?" Sano protested, looking shocked and offended.

Suzu snorted, "Filling your empty wallet is incredibly noble."

Sano grunted and cracked his knuckles dangerously.

"Hey, Saito, while you are predicting things, tell me the winning lottery numbers. I could use a few million." Suzu said, dropping his voice and doing a fair imitation of Sano.

Sano ignored him, "I'll buy you lots of soba with the money I win!"

"I see death in your future." Saito remarked calmly and Sano paled.

"You know what… I think I'll see if Heisuke needs help. Yeah… I'll do that! You keep that in mind though! Lots of soba!" Sano shouted over his shoulder as he lumbered off.

"Do you truly see death?"

"Do I have cause to lie?"

"No, not really."

"Yes, every being dies."

"I take it that his is not for a long time."

"Unfortunately not."

"Damn."

"Agreed."

Tetsu stared between them as the two broke into small smiles. Both understood there were annoyances to be put up with in life.

"I must go to my post as sentry." Saito said excusing himself.

"And we have to raid someone's office. Good luck."

"Karma." Saito corrected.

Suzu snorted without any mirth, "I think this will be adharma. What is another seed of sin on my soul after all?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Tetsu whined. Suzu gave a smirk, "Neither do I. Come on, we are needed to continue this shenanigan."

The plan to break in was surprisingly simple. They all decided without words that no one was actually going to risk their life going into Hijikata's office. With any luck he would have extremely painful booby traps and an alarm system. Sannan on the other hand was notoriously known for never locking his door during daylight hours and leaving all sorts of things around. Not papers per se, but the means to get a hold of the papers.

"Okay, all clear." Shinpachi said, slipping up with a cat grin. Apparently Kondou had been even easier to distract than had been estimated, "But we need to make this fast." He jingled a small key chain, "Here are the copies to the keys to the file cabinet."

"Clever of Heisuke."

"He can be when he gets his mind in order." Shinpachi snorted, "We have a half hour."

Suzu nodded, "You mean out of the gutter. I suppose it makes perfect sense, considering his excellent grades."

"What? That dumbass has good grades?" Tetsu grumbled enviously.

"Much better than yours." Suzu assured him.

Shinpachi waved a hand, "Intelligence and common sense don't always go hand in hand unfortunately."

Suzu didn't like the direction this was going. It was bad enough he had to listen to Tetsu blather on and on about Okita, he didn't need to know MORE about Heisuke's personal life than was already aired about.

"Apparently not, seeing as we are both relatively intelligent beings, yet we are sneaking into someone's office to steal exams."

"They're weapons of mass destruction!" Tetsu screamed and Shinpachi clapped a hand over his mouth. The short senior was very good about it too. He must have way too much practice keeping Sano in line.

Shinpachi smirked, "I never said anything about sanity. Besides, if we die in battle it'll be a noble deed and, what did Saito call it? Good karma."

"Is it? I think you are getting your religions confused."

"Whatever."

"Where's Sano?" Tetsu asked looking around.

"He's conveniently out of the way for now." Shinpachi said, "Besides, we need him to cover our escape if Plan A goes wrong. Hijikata's too suspicious around exam time anyway. I doubt Okita can keep his attention for too too long. Not to mention he's got some kind of internal the-students-are-trespassing radar."

"I think that it is simply foresight after dealing with you people for four years."

Shinpachi smirked again, evidently confident in their mission, "Naw, he'll miss us so much! Who will run around naked in the halls at midnight or drive through subdivision and wreck the school car over a raccoon?"

Suzu wisely shut up.

He imaged that Hijikata would get up and dust off that disco if it would get the senior class out sooner. What would be really interesting would be some 80s dances, specifically The Worm.

A wry chuckle escaped his lips at that thought.

"Okay, now Tetsu, try not to trash anything, okay? This is Sannan's office and we're not here to bust things up. He's virtually a nice guy; he's just in the way. And we can't cover our tracks if you start randomly ripping things up… that means, no, you aren't allowed near the paper shredder."

"No words of warning for me?"

"Do you need some?"

"No."

"Then none for you!"

They methodically raided the office in virtual silence. Every once in awhile they're trade a comment about something they found or toss something around to look at. Then why did Suzu have this uneasy feeling that something was wrong? That they were being watched?

Saito was the most reliable person to have on watch. He would never betray them or allow them to be caught unaware. So what was that feeling?

"Hey Suzu, do you feel… I don't know. Watched?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Oh, okay."

They managed to continue in silence. Suzu had found many interesting things. It seemed Sannan liked clipping out newspaper articles. There was no real pattern, and they all seemed to be rather random, but they were all fascinating.

To be honest, Suzu didn't think much of the mild-mannered man. He was too meek and quiet to make an impression. That didn't mean he was harmless. Suzu remembered quite well how he got roped into being Heisuke's tutor. Still, he thought of the man as rather bland and nondescript. These random articles proved otherwise.

He was in the middle of reading about an Amber Alert in Topeka, Kansas involving a disappearing five-year-old, a murdered mother, and the father who shouldn't be allowed near the child when Tetsu tugged on his sleeve urgently.

"What!" Suzu hissed, reluctantly putting the clipping down. He hadn't meant to get so sidetracked.

"Save me!"

Suzu followed the shaking, pointing finger.

"What? From the fish?"

Shinpachi looked over his shoulder and hissed several potent words before screaming, "SANOSUKE HARADA, get your ass in here RIGHT NOW!"

Silence.

"Uh, that cannot be good."

"No shit." Shinpachi muttered, giving the desk a wide berth. "I think we should retreat. We've looked through almost everything and I don't think anyone is comfortable in here anymore."

"No-o-oo." Tetsu stuttered in agreement.

Suzu sighed. So much for the courageous soldiers fighting for student freedom.

"I agree. Sano's absence, while not suspicious in itself, makes me nervous."

They started towards the door, careful to skirt the eight legged escapee.

"Oh fuck!" Tetsu screamed and backpedaled into Suzu. The two fell into a pile while Shinpachi stared in horror.

"You three believed you could get away with this?"

"Meep." Tetsu squeaked in terror.

"Apparently not." Suzu managed.

Okita looked guiltily from behind Hijikata and waved sheepishly.

"You betrayed us!" Shinpachi accused and Suzu had to nod.

"He tortured me." Okita whimpered, making a pitiful face, "And he didn't play fair at all!"

"Torture has no rules Souji." Hijikata admonished, "And you got your sundae. You know I can't eat more than a bite of that stuff before getting sick."

Okita pouted, "But I didn't take it!"

"Your loss."

"Did you actually think that I would leave something so vital in Yamanami's office? Especially with Heisuke, the devious little bastard, so close to Yamanami? No, the exam keys are locked safely in my office, every single one of them. You miscalculated." The whole time this speech was being delivered Hijikata was advancing on them with a sadistic smirk. He was the cat and they the mice. Every move he made towards them was filled with menace. It was clear he was enjoying catching at least one of the trio red-handed.

"You'll never take us alive!" Tetsu managed, even though he was scared spitless. What an idiot. That was what he said last fall when Saito had aimed the paintball gun at them. At least in that situation they stood a snowball's chance in Hell.

"Oh, but I want you alive." Hijikata rumbled with devilish glee, "It would be no fun otherwise."

Apparently Hijikata was not only extremely strict, but he also hid a perverse side to him. There had to be an escape.

Suzu glanced around. He didn't think the poor flashy fish would enjoy being lobbed through the air and that could be messy if the glass shattered… there was that paper weight. It was very cute and Suzu could only imagine that it had been given to him by a little girl. No throwing precious objects. That would go on his conscious.

The ruby eyes flickered over the spider, which had hunkered down at all the noise. It stood motionless, waiting for them to leave.

He nudged Shinpachi, feeling that if nothing else the senior had to escape. If he were caught… well, that was the equivalent of a general or commander being captured. Moral would suffer and why was he thinking about strategy! He was going to hear more than enough from Yoshida for even allowing himself to become involved.

"Run."

"Why?"

"You'll see. Just charge him and escape."

"You better know what you're doing."

"I do not."

"Reassuring."

Suzu took a step back and Hijikata's toothy grin looked even more menacing. He apparently thought his prey was weakening. Well, let him think that. Suzu was most certainly not giving up. Out of some twisted and wrong sense, he felt like he owed the redheaded senior a get out of jail free card.

Being a bastard didn't require attention 24/7.

"I'm going to enjoy giving all of you detention. And maybe some more community service. You'd like that, wouldn't you Nagakura? I'm sure your old lady friend would love some extra company." Hijikata continued in a silky tone. My, my, he was really a warped demon underneath. "As for you," He pointed to Tetsu and the freshmen made a noise, "I can see you doing quite a bit of laundry. All the graduation robes for the whole senior class, plus your regular load, plus the kendo garments. Yes, I can see you quite busy."

"Hijikata!" Okita whined from the doorway.

"You'll get your punishment Souji. You should be more patient." Hijikata replied, never taking his eyes off the three, trapped students.

"You're a meanie." Okita protested, "You could at least let Shinpachi go."

"I think not. You see, in the years that he's been here, I've never caught him in the act. This is simply too good to waste. It's a pity that Toudou wasn't here as well." Hijikata purred.

"You would love that." Shinpachi said, stalling. He scratched his nose nervously and gave a pseudo-grin. "Too bad for you."

"Oh, but I'm sure I can hook him into this. I already have Harada and you four." The older man reasoned. "Logic dictates he was in on this."

Shinpachi seemed to gain a bit of courage from that statement and gave a shark-grin, "But you have no proof."

"Not yet. But I wouldn't worry about that. You, I have."

Suzu felt his leg bump up against the corner of his desk. In his perperial vision he could see the betta swimming wildly back and forth in confusion. The spider cowered behind his fish friend's bowl. Perfect.

With one swift movement Suzu had scooped the small animal up and lobbed it at Hijikata's handsome face.

Whamp!

Amazing. It sounded just like it was spelled in those horrible comic books Tetsu borrowed from Sano.

He expected Hijikata to swat calmly at the spider maybe, or leap around in surprise. What he didn't expect was for the man to grab the poor thing off his face and throw it back at them.

Neither did Shinpachi.

Tetsu, in a true to form display of naïve heroism, threw himself as a human shield in front of Shinpachi, taking a spider to the face. He even managed to not scream too loudly. Or that might have been the furry arachnid stuffed halfway in his mouth.

"You don't think a little bug is going to stop me, do you?" Hijikata sneered, looking unruffled.

"He's right." Shinpachi said with a sigh as Suzu retrieved Webber from Tetsu's face. He wouldn't have minded leaving it on the boy longer, but there was only so much Sano's poor pet could take before it gave up and died. Rightly so.

"We surrender." Once again Suzu found himself in the position of leader. Why did that always happen? Especially when they were getting caught. His ruby eyes narrowed and glowered. Cowards.

"Wise decision. I believe I could understand why Yoshida likes you."

"How could you?" Tetsu hissed, forgetting the furry creature nestled in Suzu's hand. The other freshman shoved his hand under the redhead's nose without looking.

"Aggh!"

"So what shall it be? Detention, cleaning the bathroom, running errands for freshman?" Shinpachi bluffed.

Suzu was liking that grin even less now.

"You will see."

The occupants of the room paused as they heard a pair of voices from down the hall. Okita poked his head in again, and this really made Suzu wonder why the little imp hadn't taken off already, and warned, "They're back."

Heisuke and Sannan came around the corner. The former looking slightly outraged and totally innocent; the latter looking mildly shock and rather confused.

"Why are you all in my office?"

Hijikata gave a meaningful smirk in Heisuke's direction, "I caught these three snooping around, looking for the exam keys."

"Outrageous!" Heisuke said, properly scandalized. "Breaking into an administrator's office!"

Sannan chucked in embarrassment, "Perhaps I should not have left the door unlocked." He rubbed the back of his neck.

Hijikata gave him a glare and countered, "If we had trustworthy students there would be no need for you to lock your door."

"I should not have allowed an opportunity for temptation."

"Those brats should have stayed out. They're old enough to know right from wrong. We're not dealing with toddlers, despite their antics."

"They're young." Sannan protested. "Let them get in some trouble."

Well, he was slated to lose. You couldn't win Hijikata over by appealing to his compassionate and trusting side… that was doomed to failure before it even began. No, you needed to appeal to his logic.

"And I caught them being stupid. Stupidity deserves punishment."

"You were foolish too."

"I couldn't possibly have been that stupid."

Okita's eyes peered around the doorframe and he tittered.

Maybe blackmail would work…

"There is a tape that says otherwise." Suzu stated and gulped. Why did he say that? He must be as stupid as Hijikata said!

"What did you say?"

Oh that was suicidal. Where did his brain go on that one?

Both Shinpachi and Heisuke blanched and Okita abruptly stopped laughing and choked instead.

"Um, I volunteer to pull weeds from the school garden and clean the gutters?" Suzu tried.

Heisuke's eyes darted around, "I did it! I admit it!"

That drew all attention off Suzu and onto him. He quailed at the look on Hijikata's face but continued, "Honest."

"Did what Heisuke?" Sannan asked quietly.

"I'm not saying more than that without a plea bargain!"

The homicidal glowing eyes winked out and Hijikata nodded his dark head. He pointed to a seat and the smooth senior plopped down obediently. He folded his hands primly and looked up with canny brown eyes.

"Promise me."

"I want the information first." The vice snorted.

"Fine, but I ask for Shinpachi's pardon, and Sano too."

"No."

"Heisuke, what are you doing!" Shinpachi yelled and he was cut off by a look from Sannan. The usually mild man was looking hard at the so-called guilty party.

"Then I say nothing." Heisuke said, leaning back and closing his eyes. "You know you want me."

There was a dangerous pause.

"One."

"You're making me choose? How cruel! I expect nothing less from a closet sadist like you!"

"Decide."

"Fine, Shinpattsan. Sano'll just have to understand. After all, he's only minor." Heisuke smirked. "I'll buy him some dinner to make it up to him."

"Go on. I don't want to hear about your imperiled friendship."

"Where to start? Umm, go back about two and a half years or so. I transferred into this purgatory and decided I would get even for all the wrong committed against me. So I gathered myself some allies and started integrating myself into the local population. It didn't take long to have the student body either in awe of me or insanely jealous of me."

"…Or wanting to screw your brains out?" Shinpachi said sarcastically.

"That too." Heisuke nodded matter-of-factly. "Anyway, it's all been building up to this year. The senior year. Two weeks before graduation. And I planned it so well too! Oh well."

"Don't make it sound like some Greek Tragedy." Hijikata ordered in exasperation. "Are you taking responsibility for this fiasco?"

Heisuke blinked, "That's what I just said wasn't it?"

Suzu had to shrug. He doubted very much of Heisuke's story was remotely true. He doubted the pervert's attention span could last over even a year. Plus, as many flaws as he had, being petty didn't seem to be one of them.

"Why don't I believe you?"

"Damn, I overdid it, didn't I? Anyway, yes, I did it. I planned it and dragged everyone in. I'll take whatever you give me as long as you honor the deal."

This was apparently more than satisfactory for the harassed vice principal because he chuckled. It was a deep, humorless sound.

"I hope you like paperwork."

"Absolutely loath it."

"Wonderful. I'll see you in my office at 7 am tomorrow. It's best to start bright and early I've found. And you can bring me my coffee while you're at it. I like it black."

"No problem."

"And I don't accept that freeze-dried substitution they pass off on poor slobs with no taste buds. I only drink coffee from Starbucks." Hijikata continued.

Heisuke's jaw dropped, "But that's like three miles away round trip!"

"That's not very far." Tetsu pointed out and Suzu snorted, "It is if you don't have a car. And especially if you want your coffee to stay hot on the way back."

"…I expect nothing but the best. Lukewarm is NOT acceptable."

"Impossible." Heisuke said with a hunted look, "There's no way I can do that. I mean, are they even open that early?"

"Of course they are. I expect you exactly on time. Tardiness is punishable by extra time on your sentence. You will serve every morning until the day of graduation."

Having said what he wanted to, the man stalked out the door. Suzu almost sighed in relief until he paused and looked over his shoulder, "You two will report to my office for YOUR punishments by the end of the day."

Gulp.

Somehow Suzu got the feeling his punishment was going to be nothing next to Yoshida's ire at his misbehavior. If there was one thing Yoshida hated more than teenagers in his gym, it was dealing with Hijikata.

Heisuke grimaced and looked at Sannan, "You should probably punish us too. We did plot to sneak in here and steal the exam keys."

Sannan frowned. "I believe, although it is not my place to say this, that he was far too harsh. However," And the bespeckled man smiled, "I wouldn't mind a iced venti chai latte! Since you're already going to be there anyway."

"I wonder what the demon's going to do to you." Tetsu remarked, glancing at the other freshman. The idea of laundry was a daunting prospect, but it wasn't remarkable. Suzu, on the other hand, never got in trouble. He was such an ass kissing keener!

"Hand me over to Yoshida." The other boy muttered glumly. He still held the spider in his hand, so Tetsu didn't go over and punch his shoulder like he wanted to. Well, at least Shinpachi had escaped punishment. No one deserved to face Hijikata on their birthday. Especially not on their eighteenth birthday because that was special. You could vote and get drafted and smoke (legally).

Tetsu hoped that Heisuke explained it to Shinpachi later.

"He likes you."

"He does not appreciate misbehavior that reflects badly on him."

"Pfft, I don't see what that has to do with you. It's not like he was the one sneaking around or anything." Tetsu snorted. Why were people so obsessed with acting properly?

"We are so different." Suzu mused out loud, making Tetsu bristle, "What's that supposed to mean? Are you saying you're better than me?"

Suzu smirked, "Of course. I am an excellent student who dedicates himself to challenging, higher learning. I am also obedient and dutiful to the man I serve, unlike a certain other assistant whom will remain un-named. I am better at kendo, have a cat, and possess common sense. Does that not make me superior?"

"You bastard!"

"And I do not resort to vulgar, unimaginative language." Suzu continued with a straight face. Tetsu didn't know whether he wanted to punch him or… well, sock the shit out of him. Repeatedly. Where'd the bastard get off on his ego trip here? So what if he was a butt-kissing suck up?

Tetsu had one word for that: "Assimilation!"

"What?"

"Stupid borg!" Tetsu insisted, pointing at the other freshman, "You're so assimilated!"

"What on Earth are you babbling about Tetsu?"

"Oh… nothing."

Instead of commenting, Suzu just glanced over mildly.

"Can you believe this year's almost over though?" Okay, that glance was creepy. Time for small talk subject of the week: graduation. "It seems like we just got here."

"If you say so. To me, this has been an eternity."

"Really? But it was fun!"

"Torment. This is a loathsome form of purgatory that all students must endure. High school is nothing but a waste of four years of your life. All you social activities, all your friends, all your sports activities, they all equal nothing. You know why? Because once you get to college, you shed them. No one cares that you went to such-and-such high school or that you hung out with such-and-such crowd. Your teachers do not care if you show up for class; you are paying them. You actually get to choose courses that interest you, rather than being forced into a limited mold, and you have options. Now, tell me, how is high school more than an empty punishment for your teenage years?"

"But you have memories! You can remember the great time you had egging your principal's, er, oops. Bad example! You can remember the concerts and rallies and raves and bonfires that you went to with your friends! Plus, that's usually," Pause, "When you get a boyfriend or girlfriend for the first time. Your classes are there to give you basic skills and prepare you for college. High school is essential!"

"Hmm, so basically it is one big social event?"

"That's not what I said!"

"That is how I interpreted it."

"I said learning too!"

"Utterly useless skills. They would do better to simply use those brain cells burned learning some specific formula to calculate the length of the hypotenuse to learn how to fix the fryer at Burger King."

"What are you saying?" Tetsu asked, glaring. Sometimes Suzu was such an elitist snob that it made Tetsu's head hurt. Why'd he have to be such a high and mighty bastard? Did he think he was better than everyone just because he was so damn smart and prissy? Not everyone was so lucky as to go to private school. Some kids had to work jobs and go to school and take care of their families. What did Suzu know about that shit? He was responsible for only himself!

Of course, Tetsu was just basing this on the struggle he had seen Tatsu go through, and the other kids at school. Well, and even Susumu and Ayumu. Not everyone was born gifted with smarts like that white haired freak or with charisma like Okita or with a strong sense of curiosity like Heisuke. They didn't automatically have a good sense of humor like Shinpachi or spiritual powers like Saito.

Some people had to force what little they had together and shape it with grit, determination, and fire.

"I am saying that high school is not the end-all. You have to consider what is beyond it and prepare to stop playing games." Suzu clarified quietly, looking thoughtful all of a sudden, "Life is not all fun and games, especially in the real world and out of the street. You should thank Tatsu for doing such a good job of sheltering you. I think it is something my brother would have done as well, if he could."

"What?"

"Nothing. You have exams to study for, correct?" Suzu asked pausing at the trio's room and staring at the poor, quivering spider. He sighed and continued walking back towards their dorms taking the spider with him, "I guess I can help you study. After all, it would reflect badly on the school if you did not pass your freshman year; even Sano managed to do that much."

"You bastard!"

Suzu raised an eyebrow with a smirk, "Are you angry because it is the truth?"

"Jerk, I don't need your stupid help." Tetsu growled, "I can get Cs all on my own!"

Suzu wanted to smack his forehead, "Now I feel obligated to help you out of pity. You simply cannot consider a C good."

"Haha, but I'm not the stupid one who's going to get his butt kicked by his master!" Tetsu jeered and Suzu winced, having momentarily forgotten how much trouble they were in.

"True, but at least I will not reek of sweaty underwear and laundry detergent. Nor will I have chapped hands from cold water. I pray that you at least know where your math book is in that mess because we have much work to do before our punishments."

"Ha, beat you there, jerk!" Tetsu gave him a smack to the back of the head and took off running. Which might have worked better if he were watching where he was going and didn't crash into an open door.

"Loser."

"Shut up!" Tetsu screamed after the other freshman, scrambling up on his feet and wondering what possessed Suzu to be so nice. Maybe he was just happy to play with his stupid numbers and show how bloody smart he was on those stupid exams.

Still, aside from the looming punishment and their failure to recover the WMD exams, today had been a pretty good day.


	24. Interlude: Work Study

"Fieldtrip

"Fieldtrip!"

Suzu didn't like the sound of that. He winced and covered his ears as Tetsu bellowed away to the world his excitement.

"It is not a school approved activity." Suzu reminded him primly, uncovering his ears. "Besides, all we are doing is going to a nasty, smelly store with nasty, smelly animals."

"You have a nasty zombie cat!" Tetsu pointed out, still enamored with the idea of getting off school grounds. They could be going to the town's landfill and he'd have the same amount of glee.

"My cat is very clean."

"Yeah, tell that to the litterbox." Tetsu snorted, "And my gym socks! They're always covered in black hair."

"You could not even find your gym socks under all that radioactive slime." Suzu retorted.

"Everyone excited?" Heisuke asked, strolling up with a yawn. He blinked around in the morning sun, not used to being awake before noon. Shinpachi didn't look awake at all with his eyes half closed and a dead expression. "We get to see what crappy school brainwashing—er, work study programs are like."

"And why do I have to go?" Suzu asked in a deadpan voice. He'd much rather be curled up with a book outside on a nice Saturday morning, not being dragged along with some crazy maniacs.

"Because Kitty, it's obviously just another tactic by the teachers to cow students into submission! You must know how the teacherism works in order to fight it… And the Demon said he'd give us money for ice cream if we'd get off the campus for at least a day and leave him in peace."

Suzu leaned against a tree, wishing the other members would hurry up so they could leave and get this over with.

"You seem displeased."

Suzu jumped and whacked his head on a low branch. He hissed and turned to stare at Saitoh would was leaning against the other side of the trunk. The dark senior was peering at him with the same disinterest one might give a little bug crawling across a windowsill.

"Thanks for noticing." Suzu muttered, rubbing his sore head and edging away. He was truly wishing that someone, anyone, would come and save him.

"Good morning!" Okita came tearing around the corner looking like he had already downed a Cosco-sized case of pixie stix. "Are we all ready?"

"Hijikata forget to lock up your gummy bears again?" Heisuke inquired over another yawn.

"Ha, I hid another stash in the ceiling of the art room."

"Careful Susumu doesn't find one of your stashes and poison it. Up in the dark, small pipes is exactly where he'd like going." Heisuke muttered darkly then brightened, "Off we go!"

Luckily, Sano's work was within walking distance. Suzu didn't trust any of the members present to drive the car properly. He shuttered when he remembered driver's ed and the raccoon. He seriously thought he was going to die.

The first thing that caught his eye was the giant sign in highlighter yellow with black letters that proclaimed, "Live rattlesnakes, scorpions, piranhas, and other dangerous exotics within! Beware!"

"Hey guys!" The big senior greeted them with his usual bellow. He waved heartily, making the large snake on his shoulders squirm to gain a hold. He didn't actually stop until the snake decided to use his neck as an anchor. He squeaked and Suzu thought it was a lovely shade of purple.

Heisuke smirked, unable to keep his mouth closed, "Need a _snake_ charmer?"

Shinpachi elbowed him sharply, "He doesn't need your help for any kind of snake. And you're not charming."

"Aren't I?" Heisuke responded, looking hurt and giving huge puppy dog eyes. Shinpachi sighed, "No."

"Gah, hold this." Sano requested, shoving the liberated snake at Heisuke. Before the slick senior could protest, he had his hands full of large, angry boa. With a high-pitched girly shriek he pitched it straight at Shinpachi, who happened to be standing too close.

Suzu prudently had stayed back and was glad he was out of range.

The red head automatically threw his hands up and barely managed to catch hold of the flailing animal. Once he had a hold of it, he looked around in a panic. Seeing a tank a few feet away, he ran over and threw the snake down. It bounced on the aspen chips and curled into a pitiful ball.

"Noooo!" Sano yelled, tearing towards the tank, "That's the furry piranha tank! Frank will be eaten alive!"

Suzu watched closely as the bedding shuddered and moved towards the terrified snake. It backed away from the tunneling hunters. Hitting the glass, the snake frantically tried to climb the slick sides as the vicious killers closed in from underground. The trails of bedding flew as the monsters picked up speed, sure of their prey. Suzu and everyone else jumped as a bloody-murder scream tore from the tank and furry blurs launched from the wood chips.

Sano jerked the lid off and grabbed Frank just as the little bullets with teeth reached him. Instead they pinged against the glass and hit the ground, dazed.

"Those are killers?" Tetsu laughed, clearly thinking that they really were piranhas that were magically able to grow fur and live out of water. "Those are just mice."

"The sign states that they are Russian hamsters." Saito corrected, pausing from the tank he had been staring into.

"There, there, Frank." Sano crooned to the snake. "They won't get you. See, the monsters are locked up."

"Aww, they're cute." Okita grinned, boldly sticking his hands into the tank. Little grey, white, brown, and black beasts crowded around his sacrifice, chattering and jumping like miniature tribal cannibals. A particularly brave albino leapt off the back of his fellow and latched on to Okita's finger, just under the nail.

Suzu just barely ducked as the furball with teeth flew his direction. Okita looked sheepish, "Sorry, it was reflex."

"Sure." Suzu muttered as he straightened up. His ruby eyes followed the path of the airborne hamster and winced. The tiny creature's splash was hardly loud enough to alert a cat but apparently the vibrations in the water was more than enough to catch the tanks owners' attention.

Several dark fish with big mouths swarmed to the surface, sure of an easy meal. The hamster screamed then gurgled and tried to get out. It willingly grabbed the outstretched hand and climbed, shivering, onto Okita's palm.

"Aww, poor thing." Okita hardly noticed that his dripping bloody finger was making the fish froth into a frenzy. He putting his face up to the creature to get a better look and was promptly bitten on the nose, "Or not." He moved to toss the ungrateful cretin back into the tank.

"Okita, no!" Tetsu howled, "It's too cute."

"Yes, but it is an enemy." Okita replied, "Look what it did to me."

Suzu rolled his eyes. For the love of… it was a dumb little animal. A vicious, dumb little animal, but it certainly hadn't been plotting Okita's injuries. Then again, it was about time something had the guts to bite him.

"Just kidding!" Okita grinned, plopping the bedraggled monster into Tetsu's palm, "I think we should call her Sugar!"

The newly christened "Sugar" bit Tetsu.

"It is very sweet." Suzu remarked sarcastically. "If it were a rat you would not be so forgiving."

"But it's a hamster. Hamsters are so cute and cuddly. I'm sure she's just having a bad day. Right Sugar?" Chomp. "Oww! Hehe, love nibbles… OUCH, bastard."

"Frank is safe." Sano announced like everyone had been holding their breath. He grinned again and said, "Who wants a tour?"

"Ooo, me, me." Tetsu started then yelped as the hamster bit him again.

Shinpachi tugged on Heisuke's arm, "C'mon, you're not that traumatized. Let's go on the tour."

Heisuke uncurled slightly from where he had wedged himself in the corner. He glared, "I am too traumatized. It was trying to eat me! It could have chewed off my super handsome face and then what would I do?"

"Sell yourself to a circus?" Suzu remarked icily. He shoved the hamster, which Tetsu was holding in his face, to the side and followed after Sano. He assumed that if there were any more incidents, Sano would be most likely to wrangle whatever loose animal was rampaging.

"Hey, hey, look!" Tetsu insisted and Suzu paused to give him a glare. Tetsu beamed, "I just noticed this; you guys are like twins!"

Before Suzu turned he gave Tetsu the move scathing 'I-am-not-impressed' look.

"No, really! You're both white with red eyes. Twins. Isn't that sweet, Sugar, you have a buddy." Tetsu cooed to the hamster, "Ouch, okay, yeah, that was kinda an insult, wasn't it? Sorry, you're way cuter than Suzu."

Somehow Shinpachi managed to coax Heisuke out the corner and slung an arm around his side. It might have been interpreted as a friendly gesture if Shinpachi didn't have a death-grip on Heisuke's shirt. The fabric bunched mercilessly under his white-knuckled gripe and he was muttering threats under his breath.

"And these are the fish." Sano announced, waving his arm towards the long wall of bubbling tanks. "We have many different kinds of fish."

He dragged them past several tanks and pointed out one on the top. "These are my favorite. Watch!" He grabbed a scoopful of little minnows and threw them in the tank. The long, silver, snake-like fish darted forward, demolishing the poor victims. If fish could scream, they would be screaming. Head-first the minnows went down the throat and into the stomach where they sat heavily as lumps.

"Cool, huh?" Sano beamed.

Suzu didn't understand the fascination was animals that ate other animals alive. He really preferred he never see the face of his meal and that it be thoroughly dead before it reached his plate. He wondered if taking such pleasure in such a brutal act was a sign of mental insanity.

Then again, yelling when you hear the word "Bubbles" and dive to the floor with your hands over your head didn't qualify as sane.

Sano showed off a few more tanks of cannibalistic fish before concluding his tour of the fish.

He was about to move on when another employee shot past shrieking, "Code Black!"

"Uh, Sano…" Shinpachi started. Heisuke was looking around with an edge of paranoia. Code anything didn't sound good, especially if it involved a fleeing employee.

Sano looked mildly perturbed but offered, "Don't worry; it just means that all the scorpions and spiders are loose. Again."

"A-again…? What kind of place is this hellhole?" Heisuke paled. Suzu imagined he was reliving Webber's nightly escape to his pillow. The whole floor had heard him scream like a little girl for nearly a minute from waking up to a spider on his face.

"At least it's not a Code Green." Sano reassured confidently, "It's really hard to get the 'gators back in when they break loose. They get really ticked about being wrestled."

"When did went land on The Crocodile Hunter?" Shinpachi rolled his eyes trying not to look too troubled.

"Are you kidding? This is like Survivor and Fear Factor all rolled into one. Awesome!" Tetsu whooped. "Got any sharks Sano?"

"Sure!"

And Code Black was promptly forgotten by the two members of the party that raced off to the nine foot shark tank that dominated the middle of the small store.

"I'm scared." Heisuke whimpered, and for once Suzu wasn't completely sure that he was faking to get his hands all over Shinpachi without rebuke, "I really hate spiders now."

"There is one." Suzu pointed to something scuttling over the floor. Heisuke screamed and clutched Shinpachi around the neck. Suzu looked closer and calmly corrected, "Never mind, it is just a roach."

"False alarm." The same employee as before came over and told them. The guy eyed Shinpachi and Heisuke for a moment before informing them that he got the code colors wrong all the time. He meant to say that it was a code orange. That sounded a lot more dangerous that black.

"And what does orange mean?"

"Oh, just that Fluffy is having his walk around the store."

"What is Fluffy?" Heisuke asked hopefully, probably imagining a super-soft puppy or something.

"He's our seventeen foot Burmese python. I'm just supposed to let everyone know because one time he ate someone's dog. We managed to save the toddler though."

Suzu couldn't tell if the guy was serious or not.

"Just don't make too much noise. It makes him cranky." The employee warned, "And no fast movements."

"O-okay."

"I am leaving." Suzu announced with a frown. It was slightly disturbing to see Heisuke a gibbering school girl. And he didn't like snakes, spiders, hamsters, pigs, dogs, sharks, fish, birds, or the idiots that surrounded him.

"Party pooper." Tetsu accused, coming back from the shark tank. Sano wailed, "No, I haven't finished the tour!"

"I think Kitty has a good idea." Heisuke replied firmly. He peered around, "Where's Okita and Saitou?"

Suzu stared across the store at Okita. He had a fish net and was waving it around like a sword at a giant bird. The bird kept lunging and was trying to hit his face with its sharp, pointy beak. It gave a strangled scream at Okita poked it in the throat with the edge of the net, laughing. The bird gave him an evil glare and retaliated by pecking him in the forehead.

"I believe he is busy."

A man with a multitude of colorful tattoos and stretched earlobes wandered up. He looked them up and down, "Hey, can one of you dudes get me some feeders? I need two and a half dozen. But only the orange and white ones. Hehe, my electric eels don't like the other kind."

"Can you get that?" Sano called over from where he and Tetsu were dangling their fingers into the shark tank.

"N-no way." Heisuke disagreed, "That's so not the way to the door."

Shinpachi rolled his eyes and went over to the tank filled with millions of baby goldfish. He tentatively picked up a net and fished out a scoop. The fish flopped everywhere, splashing his face. He sputtered and tried to count them as they fell into the cup. After a few seconds an employee came up, snatching the net.

Suzu watched as the woman deftly sorted out several orange and white ones and bagged them up. She handed them to the customer and then turned towards them, "You must be Sano's friends."

"His abandoned friends." Heisuke qualified with a jealous glare as she shook Shinpachi's hand.

"Well, at least I know where he is." The woman sighed after they introduced themselves. "Sometimes he takes on little "tasks" and I have no idea where he is."

"This store is quite small." Suzu observed, skeptical that big and loud Sano could actually disappear for any period of time.

"Exactly. It should be impossible." The woman agreed, "But this whole store is psycho. You hear that Bob, I said its psycho. Again. You going to fire me so I can collect my unemployment yet?" She was focused on a small camera on the ceiling. For good measures, after finishing her speech, she flipped the camera off with a scowl. She turned back to them, "It's Big Brother in here, big time."

Heisuke looked impressed and Suzu hoped he wasn't getting any bright ideas on how to handle authority.

"Hey, I need two dozen truffles."

The woman's eye twitched, "Tuffies?"

"Sure, whatever." The man shrugged, shuffling off to peer at the sharks.

With the ease of practice, she bagged them up and handed them over.

"Are you sure that's two dozen."

"Nope." The woman snatched the bag back out of his hand and proceeded to fish each one out. "One… two… three…" She said each number deliberately as the fish plunked into a second bag, "Fifteen… wait, where was I? I need to start over."

As she fished out the last victim, she said, "Twenty five. Oops, you were right, it wasn't twenty four. Sorry about that." And she put the extra fish back in the tank. "Anything else?"

"Bitch."

"Sorry, we don't carry dogs or your taste in women." The woman replied sweetly and Suzu decided it really was time to leave.

But now Heisuke looked interested, despite his terror of anything creepy-crawlie and the giant snake loose somewhere in the store. Apparently the Big Brother comment triggered something in his paranoid, cultist mind.

"Oh no, Sugar's loose on the floor!" Tetsu screamed as a small, white bullet sped past.

Suzu watched passively as the little monster whizzed past his feet fearlessly. It was obviously delighted at the freedom.

It skittered around the corner just as Tetsu screamed about the snake.

Suzu watched as Okita did a full-body tackle on a two inch hamster.

"Safe!" Sano yelled, "Fluffy, you're OUT!"

"Umm, Sano, wrong sport. You don't tackle people in baseball."

"Sure you do. You want to hit them with the ball." Sano blinked, looking genuinely bewildered. Shinpachi muttered trying to push a quivering Heisuke off him, "Remind me to never play baseball with him. I don't think I would survive."

"O-okay, I think we've had enough." Heisuke stuttered, eyeing the large snake. Suzu was in complete agreement. The snake looked like it really could swallow a small child with a head that was bigger than Sano's fist.

"That's a big snake." Shinpachi remarked, backing up a step and tripping over Heisuke.

"It almost ate Sugar!" Tetsu wailed, clutching the satan spawn to his chest. Okita, standing beside him, looked like he would have been okay with that. Instead of saying anything, he grimly tried to stop the blood from his bitten fingers.

"I believe that I have had enough." Suzu said brusquely, realizing there wasn't really any way to save this outing. Enough was enough. And someone had to say it.

"M-me too." Heisuke stuttered as Sano hefted the big snake's neck. Sano tried to turn the snake and pleaded with it. Fluffy was having none of that and his tongue flicked in and out, seeking its lost meal.

As they all headed hastily out the door, the sadistic female employee waved mockingly, "Y'all come back now."

"I am never going in there again!" Heisuke proclaimed, "Now, who wants some ice cream?"

"I do!" Tetsu shouted, "Ouch, dammit."

"Why did you bring that… thing… with you." Suzu asked, knowing his cat would probably catch the blame when the thing disappeared. Whether or not she ate it.

"The lady gave Sugar to me. She said she could see that I would give her a loving home, and if I didn't take the evil hamster, it was Fluffy chow." Tetsu explained, "How could I not take her home?"

Suzu sighed.

"And where are you going to put it?"

"Sano has a cage."

Of course he did. It probably already had an occupant though.

"Hey, Saitou, what's in the box?" Heisuke asked, clearly recovered enough to be noisy.

Saitou merely raised as eyebrow, "I must decline ice cream. There are experiments I need to set up for."

The remaining party members stared at each other. Finally, Shinpachi ventured, "I'm not even going to ask. That guy is way too weird."

The unspoken agreement was that it was better that he experiment on whatever was in the box rather than freshman.

Author's note: I realize I'm posting this almost a year late :\ I actually had most of the remaining chapters planned out, but my HD ate them, including Itou's epic graduation speech (for which Hijikata is grateful). This chapter was not in the original storyline but I needed a quick one to get me back on track.

Luckily, the most recent Gintama episode reminded me of this little chapter. Their "Mitsu" is a bit different than mine, LOL.


End file.
